If You Still Want Me (5 page)

Shifting into park, his knuckles relax against
the steering wheel. "His name's Alex. He's an architecture student
like me, but he's doing more the interior design angle instead of
engineering. He's..." He pauses to sigh with a tiny smile. "He's
great, Tori. Really great."

Seeing that look on my brother's face fills me
with joy. "Like... picking out curtains together, great?"

"Like, I'm thinking of moving with him to
Minnesota, great."

"Minnesota?!" That's too far. My baby-boo is
flying away!

"Yeah. He's got an uncle up there who says the
economy is good for our industry right now. We figure I could do
the building plans and Alex can do the interior. Plus... We'd be
legal."

"And cold." I'm pouting like a proper
thirty-year-old. "You've never even seen snow!"

His eyes roll at me, like I deserve, and I know
I'm being silly. "It's not a sure thing yet. Alex and I are just
discussing it."

"When were you going to tell me about Alex?"
That's another thing I'm upset about. I thought we shared
everything.

"I'm telling you right now. He and I have been
friends since second year, but two months ago, he asked me out.
It's kinda snowballed from there. Two months isn't long, I know,
but-"

"No, I get it. I know how fast love can drop on
your head. So, when are you gonna tell Daddy that you've met
someone and are moving up to the North Pole to design igloos
together?"

"Tori," he groans at me, then
a flash of worry crosses his expression. "It's going to be a lot
for the old man to take in. What if I give him a heart
attack?
Hey Pops, this is Alex. He's white, he's a dude
and I'm in love with him."

"You know Daddy's never had a
problem with white folk or interracial relationships," I toss that
unfounded worry away first. My real dad
hated
Saul and Brandon simply based on some fucked-up
misconceptions. Elijah just accepted Saul and the other boys as my
friends because they were good kids.

"As for gay folk," I shrug lightly, but my
thoughts suddenly turn homeward to Dallas. "Well, it's not
something I've ever heard him discuss one way or the other."

"Tabitha-"

"Can kiss your ass," I butt in. "She didn't pick
up none of that 'gays are a sin' shit from any of Daddy's sermons.
Who knows where she got that idea from."

He thinks on that for a
moment, then laughs. "How did this conversation end up being about
me and Alex? Thought we were discussing you and Saul, and how it's
time Pops knew that boy asked you to marry him but
you
said no. Then maybe, he'd stop
bringing men around and driving the rest of us nuts with talk about
you still being unwed."

Something deep in my heart tightens, coiled with
fear, and I know I need to find out if my crazy idea has any chance
of ever being accepted - of my Dallas family ever being part of my
New Orleans family. "What if... What if it were a bit more
complicated than just me and Saul?"

He shuts off the engine,
sitting there for a moment. "Complicated,
how
?"

"You know my lifestyle," I start and he nods.
He's the only one in the family who knows I like leather and my men
submissive in the bedroom. When he had the courage to come out of
his closet to me, I owed it to him to do the same.

"Well," I sigh. Best just come on out with it.
"Sometimes, three works better than two."

Joseph looks a bit hurt by that, and I think
he's worried about Saul. They used to spend hours playing games
together. "You've fallen in love with another man?"

"Not like how you're thinking.
I love Austin, but I'm not
in love
with him. Austin's in love with Saul, though, but Saul's too
hung-up on me to see it. They're best friends, and I've seen lust
mixed in with the love in Saul's eyes when he looks at Austin. I
think, if it weren't for me, Saul and Austin would have a really
good thing."

"So, Saul's what? Bisexual?"

"He is, and I just think that maybe... God, I
don't know, Joey. Maybe I'm crazy."

"Tori, you've been crazy since day one," he
jokes and I crack a smile. "You'd really be okay sharing Saul with
another man?"

"I would. I know Saul loves me, but I know part
of his heart loves Austin, too. Austin and I love each other, it's
just not physical. Does that make any kinda sense?"

"If I thought Alex wanted another man, I'd lose
it. I don't think I could share him like that, but I guess it's
different strokes for different folks. You've gotta do what makes
you happy, sweetie."

My smile widens, because that's exactly what I
said to him the day we ended up in this same Dairy Queen parking
lot, eating ice cream while he told me he was gay. "I love you,
baby-boo."

His long fingers curl around mine and squeeze.
"Love you too, Tori, and you know I've got your back when you're
ready to talk to Pops."

"Ditto. Now, go move your ass and grab us some
vanilla cones."

"Yes, ma'am," he winks as I chase him out the
car with a swat to his arm.

In the silence that settles within the car as he
trots across the parking lot, my mind drifts back to Dallas. I
think I'm doing the right thing by forcing Austin and Saul to talk
to each other, but the controlling Mistress in me wishes I was
there, helping my boys figure out what they want. Austin needs to
own this, though, or he'll never get past his demons. Saul needs
grow up a bit and realize I can't be his entire world for the rest
of my life. It's too much for me to bear alone.

As if my thoughts reach out and touch my boys
across the miles, my phone buzzes with unread messages as soon as I
click it off airplane mode. Reading Saul's pride-filled message
about how he 'figured out' Austin's problem gives me a new
headache. Guess I need to push a little harder on both of them.
Sending Saul a reply back, I offer a suggestion and hope to God it
works.

I've managed to avoid Saul since our barn
meeting yesterday morning, which is good, because the itch I'm
feeling is becoming nearly impossible to endure. I feel like I'm
just gonna burst the next time I see him - break down and tell him
everything. I know that's what Victoria thinks I should do, but I
can't.

I'm a damn coward, and I know
it. That's why I'm freezing my
cojones
off in the barn instead of hanging decorations inside where
it's warm - where Saul is.

I can't come out of my closet and confess my
love to Saul, because I love him too damn much. The vision of him
shooting me down rips me wide open. He loves Victoria with all his
heart. I don't see how there could be any room for me - not like
how I want.

I know Saul's bisexual, and
I've caught him eying me with a tinge of lust in his eyes. I know
he's offered to have fun with me and another girl with Victoria. I
know he'd be open to fooling around at the club.

I know all that - but I also know it aint what I
want.

I don't want to have sex with
Saul any more than I want to have sex with Victoria. I want
to
make love
to that man. Anything
less would be hollow for me and something I'd regret. I'd rather
love him from a distance and have him love me as his best friend
than have us getting physical for the wrong reasons.

If it's one thing I've learned working at
Brandon's club, it's that sex is sex and love is love, and you
can't mix-up the two without it being a problem. You can only have
platonic sex with someone you're actually in love with for so long
before it becomes toxic to both of you. You can't force someone to
fall in love with you by having sex with them. In the heat of the
moment, you also can't hide how you really feel.

I'm so in love with that boy, I know the moment
we'd fall into bed together, he'd see it. I'd feel the lie; the
bitter ache from the understanding it could never be what I really
want it to be. Even if Victoria was there to share our love for
Saul. Even if I closed my eyes. Even if Saul said he loved me,
too.

He does love me, and I didn't argue Victoria
about that. I think she's wrong about other things, though. I don't
think Saul can love anyone but her in that way, and I don't think I
could ever be more than a best friend to his heart.

I've seen threesomes at the club, and I got no
problem with them. When it works, it's beautiful - three people
with love in their eyes.

When it doesn't work, it's the most horrific
falling out I've ever witnessed. Three lives torn apart in an
instant - all three left changed, alone, uncertain and afraid.

Usually, it's a jealousy issue where one feels
less loved than the other two. Like a 'third wheel' syndrome or
something. I don't want to be the third wheel to the relationship
they've spent a whole life building. I don't want to be the wheel
that topples the whole cart, sending it careening over the side of
a cliff into a fiery crash with limbs and hearts blown apart
everywhere.

Alright, so maybe that's a bit much, but it's
how I feel. It's what scares me to death when I look at them. It's
what keeps me up at night. It's what has me running across the
state to go hide in El Paso.

I don't particularly like El Paso.

Not exactly fond of that cousin who lives out
there, either.

Shit. I've done dug myself in deep again. You'd
think after having manure piled high up to my throat so many times
I'd learn to stay out of it.

Maybe I could find a place around here, or move
in with my sister for a bit and continue working with Brandon's
horses. If I'm not around on Fridays, chances of me running into
Saul are slim. Unless, of course, Sarah doesn't let him back in,
then he might be staying with Brandon on a more permanent
basis.

It's kinda funny, and pretty damn sad, how alike
Saul and I are. We're both dependent on others for a place to hang
our hats. We're both failing miserably at the whole concept of
growing up and becoming self-sufficient adults. We're both
floundering.

"There you are!" Saul bounces into the barn with
a broad smile on his lips and his platinum blonde hair lit by the
sun.

Floundering doesn't even begin to describe what
the sight of that boy does to my insides. I'm happy to see him
smiling again, though it makes me a little nervous. His gorgeous
green eyes have that mischievous spark in them that has my heart
flipping while all my blood plummets southward.

It leaves me light-headed and struggling for a
steady response. "Hey, man, what's up?"

"Was wonderin' if yer gonna be stickin' 'round
for the party tonight, is all. Since Vickie aint here, I figure we
could maybe hang out, or somethin'? I can't leave, 'case Brandon
needs me, but..."

He stops and I open my mouth, but he stops me
with a raised hand. I don't think I've ever seen him looking so set
on something before, so I let him finish.

"I know yer leavin'. I think it's stupid, but
yer my best friend, an' I just wanna spend some time with you,
alright? I wont bring up none 'a what happened last week or you
leavin', I swear."

Hay-scented air floods my lungs as I take moment
to consider. He appears hopeful but a touch worried I'll say no.
More than anything, it seems like he misses me. How can I possibly
say no to that look in his eyes?

"A'ight. We can hang out tonight."

His smile returns in a bright
flash, and fuck me, I almost stumble over backwards into the damn
water trough. "Great! I'll, uh, set up a game console in my room
upstairs, then once the party gets going, we can
hang
out while everyone else
makes
out."

I smirk at that and tip my hat
then let out a slow whistle once he's gone. He took the little rays
of sunshine with him, emphasizing how cold and lonely it is in the
barn. I might have just made a big mistake by agreeing to spend
time alone with him, but I figure I'll regret it if I don't at
least try to be the friend he deserves before I abandon him, like
the yellow-bellied
mandria
I
am.

I finish my work with the horses, settling them
down for the night as darkness descends over the estate. The cars
start showing up early. It won't be a huge crowd, since club
members have real lives, families and businesses that'll be
throwing their own New Year's Eve bashes, but for the past two
years I've been here for the party, the same core members tended to
show.

Many, I've come to know and think of as friends,
even though I only know most of them by nickname. They're good
people; good people who just happen to enjoy a bit, or a lot, of
kink in the bedroom. Or outside the bedroom. With witnesses.

I'm grinning like a fool at that thought as I
head to my bedroom to wash up. My grin is met with smiles and
'happy New Year' from members as I pass. Looks like Rabbit showed
up, which is good, because I spent the morning making four dozen
deviled eggs. She says 'happy New Year' to me in Spanish with a
peck on the cheek before darting towards the eggs with a
glee-filled giggle.

I catch Brandon talking to Bull at the bar with
some other guy I've never seen before. It's not an actually bondage
club night, so most are dressed up in fancy or fun costumes, but
Bull's in his harness and leathers, with the other guy matching.
The other guy is younger, with sharp features set against a
handsome smile. The leashed collar around his neck and Bull's hand
on his ass quickly has my eyes looking elsewhere.

Damn, who am I tryin' to kid? How could I
possibly leave? I love this place - this club Brandon's built and
the people he's filled it with. The openness. The acceptance.