Ignite (Explosive) (35 page)

“So fucking beautiful,” he whispers, breaking the silence.

I blush and look down at my feet. He grabs my arm and pulls me into him. I bring my eyes to meet his, and he bends down to give me a slow kiss as his hands encircle my waist. My hands run up the length of his chest before they wrap around his neck. We’re locked in this embrace, our mouths moving at a leisurely pace as we simply enjoy the taste of each other.

Without his mouth leaving mine, he guides us towards the back bedroom. Entering his room, he momentarily moves away from me in order to turn on a small lamp on the nightstand by his bed. He turns back to me and his eyes roam all over me.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were coming? I would’ve cooked you dinner—or cleaned, at least,” he asks, his arms sweeping to emphasize the mess in his room.

I giggle, not caring about any of that. “I told you, I wanted it to be a surprise. You’re not the only one who gets to do that, you know,” I inform him, shooting him a wink that has him crossing the room so he can gather me in his arms.

“Looking like this, you can surprise me every single day for all I care,” he whispers in my ear in a low growl.

As I stand in the middle of his bedroom, he circles me, taking in every single inch of my barely clad body. When he stops in front of me, I let out a breathy sigh as his eyes darken with a lustful desire. I can’t stop the shiver that runs down my spine when he runs a lone index finger across the skin at my collar bone. My breath catches as I inhale, and his eyes take in the way my breasts rise at the movement. His finger moves down to the hem of the nightie I’m wearing, teasing the upper curve of my breast. He dips it inside the cup as he circles my nipple. Closing my eyes, I lean into him, desperate for him to take more of me in his hand. He bends down, his lips moving across my neck, licking and kissing along the way. He continues the trail down to my breast, which he pulls free from the fabric. His tongue grazes my nipple before he gently bites down on the hardened tip. He slowly makes his way to my other breast, and I let out a moan when I feel his contact.

I can feel him smile against my skin, obviously proud of the level at which he’s turning me on. He pulls away from me and resituates the lingerie so that I’m covered again. He grins at me wickedly.

“Turned on, Alexa?” he asks with hooded eyes.

The blush creeps back onto my face as I nod, somehow unable to speak. He chuckles at my silence and leans down to plant a sweet kiss on my forehead.

“I think I may need to find out for myself, since apparently you’ve been rendered speechless.”

He backs me up against a wall before he kneels in front of me. He gets on his knees, his hands sliding down my bare legs. They slowly work their way back up, and he pauses before he gets to my inner thigh. With both hands on me, he massages the insides of my thighs, getting closer and closer to my core. He hooks his thumbs around the white thong I’m wearing and slowly slides it down my legs. I step out of it, and his hands return to the spot between my legs. Closing my eyes, I lean back into the wall as a lone finger makes a small swipe, and he groans when he feels how wet he’s made me.

“So fucking wet,” he murmurs as he slips one finger inside of me.

I spread my thighs involuntarily as he pumps his finger in and out of me. He slowly adds another finger, and I let out a shaky breath, knowing that I’m straddling the edge. I place my hands on his shoulders, gripping down as he speeds up his movements. After a few minutes, he leans in and his wet, hot tongue grazes my clit. The contact causes my thighs to clench as he begins to lick around his fingers, drinking in every sweet drop of me. The mixture of pleasure created by both his fingers and his tongue causes my hips to jerk as I try to grind into his face, desperate for my release.

Much to my dismay, Jace slows his movements before he completely moves away from me. I whimper at the loss and open my eyes to find him. He’s hurriedly taking off his clothes, and my eyes feast on the sight of his mouth-watering, naked body. I bite my lip as my gaze lowers to see the huge erection I’m dying to have inside of me.

Pressing his hand on the wall behind me, he lowers and roughly presses his mouth to mine, consuming me with wild passion. His hands move down to roam my ass before he pulls me into him, lifting me up on his hips. I immediately circle his waist with my heeled feet. As he presses my back against the wall, I can feel his cock graze against me, causing the heat to pool between my legs.

“I can’t wait another minute, Jace,” I inform him, wanting him inside me more than anything.

Not able to wait any longer, I reach down and guide him to my entrance. Looking me in the eyes, he pushes up into me the same moment that I slide down on him. His eyes close at the connection as he savors the feeling. A moment passes before he slowly begins to rock his hips, moving in and out of me in a rhythmic fashion. Countless minutes pass by as he lazily fucks me against the wall. I try to match his motions, but he begins to speed up, causing my heels to dig into the skin on his lower back.

All too soon I can feel my climax coming on, so I latch onto his hair as he drives up into me. I lean my head back against the wall as shockwaves ignite throughout my body and I feel myself clench around him. He bites down on the skin in the crook of my neck as he thrusts into me one last time before I can feel him releasing inside of me.

We stay in this position as we catch our breath, me against the wall, head tilted back, and him inside of me, his face buried in my neck. I look to the left and spot us in the mirror above his dresser—it’s an erotic sight. The lingerie has shifted slightly, but I’m still fully covered, whereas every line and muscle on Jace is in plain, glorious view. He lifts his head up and shifts focus to where I’m looking. A slow, sexy smile spreads across his face.

“That’s fucking hot. We should probably take some pictures for when we’re apart,” he teases, tracing my jawline with light kisses.

I shake my head at him. “No way. No way am I doing anything that could end up on the internet one day.”

He gives me a pout and gazes at me with pleading eyes, but there’s no way I’m agreeing to that. I shake my head again, and his shoulders slump before he pulls me away from the wall. He’s looks into my eyes and a cocky grin appears.

“I guess I’ll just have to take my time convincing you,” he threatens as he carries me into the bathroom so we can clean up.

A couple of hours later, after showering and catching up, we fall into bed, both exhausted from the long day. I feel bad that Jace has to get up for work, so I don’t initiate the usual pillow talk that occurs whenever we’re in the same bed. I’ll be here all weekend, so there will be plenty of time for that. I roll onto my side and he settles in behind me. His arms wraps around my waist as he draws me closer to him.

“I’m so glad you’re here, babe. Best surprise ever,” he whispers, burying his face in my hair.

I turn my head to place a soft kiss on his lips before settling back in with him behind me.

“I’m glad, too. There’s nowhere else I’d rather be than right here,” I admit.

He sits up and rolls me onto my back before he comes down to hover over me. As he uses his hand to brace himself on the bed, his dog tags dangle in front of my face, and I can’t stop myself from entwining my fingers in them, pulling him down for a kiss. I want heat, passion, but his kiss is slow and gentle, and I can feel a hint of longing in it. He pulls away as his free hand cups my face. His eyes search mine, as if looking for the answer to some unspoken question.

“I love you,” he whispers softly, his eyes not leaving mine.

My heart is pounding at a relentless rate as his words sink in. Three words I haven’t heard in so long. Words I thought I’d never hear again. Words that were replaced by five other ones.
I fucking hate you sometimes.

Shaking my head, I push the thought out of my mind, not wanting this moment to be overshadowed or tarnished by a bad memory that has no place in my relationship with Jace.

He sees my reaction and misunderstands it. He strokes my cheek with a tenderness that warms my heart. I’m trying to think of what to say, but he beats me to the punch.

“I know you’re not ready. And that’s okay. But I love you, Alexa, so damn much, and I couldn’t let another day go by without telling you,” he confesses.

“Jace, I…” I start to stammer out some sort of response before he brings his fingers to my lips.

“You don’t have to say anything, babe. I told you months ago that I’d be patient, and I meant it. I can wait,” he reassures me as a smile lights up his eyes, telling me that he really does mean it.

I simply nod and he gives me a kiss before he’s back to spooning me. Within a few minutes, I hear his breathing level out, letting me know that he’s fallen asleep. His admission plays over and over in my mind, and I find myself staring at the wall until the early dawn light creeps through the window.

Jace McAllister loves me. Loves. Me. My heart’s soaring and I want to bury my face in my pillow and scream with happiness. I also want to pack my bags and run for the hills. I turn to watch him in his sleep, this beautiful man with an amazing heart. He really loves me. And for one split second, the thought forms in my mind. I love him, too. I know I do. There’s just something holding me back. It’s not Ty. I know that I’ve finally found peace with his death, and that may be the problem. Jace is leaving in two months. The closer we get to his deployment, the more terrified I get about something happening to him. If I admit that I love him, what will it do to me if he never comes back? I’ve already been through that once. And the love I feel for Jace? If I lose it, I know I’ll never recover.

Two months
have passed since I professed my love for Alexa. She went pale, and after I saw a rush of emotions run through her eyes, I quickly gave her an out. I’m a pretty patient guy, and at the time, I knew she loved me. She showed me with every touch, every embrace, every kiss. She was just too scared to admit it to me—and to herself.

Since then, I’ve continued to tell her that I love her. I don’t force the issue, but whenever we’re drifting off to sleep or about to hang up the phone, I can’t help but tell her. Because I do. The reunion was incredible. I never imagined that I’d go there and rekindle the connection we once had. And then the events afterwards? I couldn’t have predicted a better outcome. Slowly but surely, she’s opened up her heart to me more and more, even if she’s still trying to protect it.

Don’t get me wrong, she doesn’t turn all ice queen on me. Her face softens and her eyes light up every time she hears the words, so I know it’s affecting her. She just can’t bring herself to admit it. I don’t know if it’s Ty that makes her hesitant or if it’s my job. She never talks about him, so I don’t think that’s it. But every so often she mentions her fears of me leaving.

I get it. I really do, but she has to understand that that’s life. You live. You die. You never know when you’re going to be called home. She’s worried about my job because it’s dangerous. Doesn’t she know how many of us come home versus those who don’t? What she doesn’t understand is that more people are killed in car accidents in the U.S. per day than soldiers who lose their lives overseas. My job may be more dangerous, but that doesn’t increase my chances of dying. I just don’t know how to get that through her head.

I’m pulling into her driveway, both anticipating and dreading the weekend ahead of us. We have three days until I leave again, and I’m terrified that she’s going to withdraw from me even further.

Jogging up her steps, I smack three hard knocks on her door, hoping to catch her at home.

After a few moments, the front door finally opens. She’s standing there, holding the door knob with a cut-off t-shirt that’s splattered in random paint colors. She looks beautiful in her oversized sweatpants and messy bun.

Smiling up at me, she swings the door open wider for me to come in.

“You’re early. I wasn’t expecting you until tonight,” she says as I greet her with a quick kiss.

“I finished all my paperwork and was able to head out early,” I tell her, taking her into my arms.

It’s been three weeks since we’ve been able to spend any time together, so I’ve missed the feel of her small body wrapped around mine. Kissing the top of her forehead, my eyes finally wander around the room. Plastic sheeting is laid down in the hallway, and painting supplies rest on top of it. All of the pictures on the wall are missing, and half of the wall has already been painted.

“Redecorating?” I ask her, wondering what brought on the sudden change.

She twists her hands in the hem of her t-shirt before she answers me. Her eyes turn shy, and she looks away from me.

“Umm, I’m painting the whole house and then I’m going to get new carpet. I’ve decided to put the house on the market. It’s too big for just me. I just think it’s time for a change,” she informs me in a soft voice.

Leaning back from her, I lift her chin so she’s looking at me, a move I seem to be doing with her a lot lately.

“Are you sure, babe? I know how much you love this place. All the memories you have here. There’s no need to move.”

Her eyes soften as she gives me a small smile. “I just think it’s time, Jace. And I figured that I’d want something to keep me busy when you’re gone, so I’m going to try and finish all the renovations if you come home.”

I bristle at her choice in words as her hand flies to her mouth.

“I’m sorry, Jace, I meant when. Not if. When. I’m sorry. I’ve… I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. And the closer it gets…” She trails off before plastering a fake smile on her face. “Let’s not worry about that right now. We’ve got time.”

We’re going to have to talk about it sooner or later, and right now later is sounding much better, so I let her change the subject. She sets me to work and we finish up the painting job in no time.

The next two days pass by way too quickly as we set about getting her house ready to sell.

It’s my last night here and I know I can’t leave without knowing where Alexa’s head is at. I need to know what she wants for the future, if she even wants one at all. I’ve spent months giving her time, but I don’t think I can get on an airplane without finding out where this is going. We’ve skated past the issue all weekend, and as much as I don’t want to get to the heavy stuff tonight, I can’t put it off any longer.

“Want to eat in tonight?” Alexa asks, getting ready in the bathroom where we’ve just finished showering.

“That’s fine with me. I’d rather have the privacy,” I tell her as my arms circle her waist.

Her head leans into my chest, and looking at our reflections in the mirror, I can see her eyes are closed. I’m thinking that this is perfect moment, so I’m about to open up with her but she beats me to the punch as she turns around and gets up on her toes to give me a kiss.

“I’m going to go get dinner started. It’s about time I actually cook for you for once,” she smiles, giving me a wink before leaving me alone in the bathroom with nothing but my thoughts.

An hour later, we’re seated at the oak dining table, just finishing up eating the lasagna she made from scratch. It was her mom’s recipe, and she surprisingly made it even better.

“That was incredible, babe. You’ve been holding out on me. I had no idea you could cook like this,” I say, causing her eyes to light up at me as she takes a sip of the Chianti that was paired perfectly with the meal.

“Mom forced me to come over for cooking lessons as soon as she found out I was engaged. She actually taught me quite a bit,” she tells me.

“Well, it was great. I’m definitely making you spend more time in the kitchen in the future,” I tease.

Throwing her napkin at me, she sends a fake glare in my direction.

“This was nice. I don’t know why we’ve never eaten in the dining room before. I like having you at my table.”

Now I know she’s just given me the perfect opening. Drumming my fingers on the wooden table, I clear my throat before taking a healthy swig of wine.

“I like being here, babe. I love it. And I love you. You know that,” I say, taking her hand in mine. “I’ve been patient. I’ve been willing to let you set the pace in this relationship. And I’ve been okay with it. But I’m walking out that door tomorrow and I need to know that in six months I’m going to be able to walk right back in.”

Her eyes race from her wine glass to my face. They soften slightly as she responds. “Of course, Jace. You’ll always have a place here.”

“Always?” I ask.

She nods in confirmation before looking away from me.

“And after I’m back? Where will we be then?”

Toying with the stem of her glass, she keeps her eyes down. “I don’t know, Jace. Let’s just get through this separation first. Then we figure out where to go from there.”

“What if I don’t want to wait another six months before we figure it out? I know what I want. I know where I want this to go, but I have no clue what’s going on in your mind. When you think about the future, what do you see, Alexa?”

She lets out a sigh, draining her glass and refilling it before she answers me. “I don’t know. I honestly don’t. I stopped thinking about my future a long time ago.”

Rising from my seat, I pace back and forth through the room a couple of times as I try to figure out how to keep my cool. I stop directly across from her, place my hands on the table, and lean into her.

“Do you want to know what I see? I see you. You’re wearing my ring, having my kids. I see us not just playing house but actually living it. That’s what I’ve always seen. Because I love you and I want to be with you for the rest of my life. If you can’t see those same things, then why are we even doing this?”

I’m frozen
in my seat as Jace’s question rolls over me.
Say something, you idiot,
I think as his eyes bore down on me. My mind is muddled as I rack my brain trying to figure out what to say. It’s not that I don’t see those things—I haven’t allowed myself to. I’m not sure how to make him understand this in a way that won’t hurt him.

“Two years ago, I lost all hope of ever starting a family. Thoughts about the future consumed me day and night. You don’t know what it’s like to lie in bed alone night after night, having lost the person you love. The person you were going to spend the rest of your life with.”

“Yeah, babe, actually, I do,” he whispers as he cuts me off.

“You know what I mean, Jace. Sure, he and I had our issues, but I lost so much more than Ty that day. I lost myself. I lost my future. I lost all my hopes and dreams. I lost damn near everything. My heart shattered in a way that I thought made it irreparable. So I pushed all thoughts of any future where I could be happy out of my mind, because at the time, I didn’t think it was possible. It took a long time and a lot of love from my family and Brady, but I finally found myself again. And then you walked back into my life, and as much as I wanted to fight it, happiness found me when you did.”

Tears threaten to spill onto my face, so I close my eyes firmly as I continue.

“The things you want, I want them, too. I promise you that I do. But can’t you see how terrified I am? I already buried one person I loved. But you—burying you, Jace, would kill me. I don’t think I could survive it.”

He rounds the table and pulls me out of my chair so that I’m standing in front of him. As he gently cups my face, his thumbs swipe the tears that are now falling. He takes me in his arms, letting my tears soak the front of his shirt, and he gently kisses the top of my head.

“Babe, I can’t stand here and give you platitudes about how you’re not going to lose me, because I won’t make you a promise that I don’t know I can keep. I’ll rehash what I told you last time. I’ll do everything in my power to make it back to you. I’ll never intentionally put myself in harm’s way. Here’s the thing I don’t get, Alexa. You say you couldn’t handle losing me if you finally give your heart to me completely, but what about now? Would you holding the most precious part of yourself back from me really make it any easier to deal with?”

I shake my head against his chest, knowing he’s right. I’ve already given him my heart even if I haven’t voiced the words. That’s why I want to kick myself and just say them. But I can’t now. He’ll think I’m only doing it because he wants me to. I need to do it on my terms, and I need to come to a place where I can fully accept my fears.

“That’s what I thought. I love you, and I know I could lose you at any moment. That’s life, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have the same fears as you. But that’s the thing about love. It’s a risk, a gamble, and life could deal you any hand that could instantly turn your world upside down. I could go the next ten years like I spent the past ones, casual relationship to casual relationship, never getting serious with anyone because I was afraid of getting my heart broken. After the reunion, I didn’t want that anymore. What I’m saying is that you’re worth the risk. Even if I knew our relationship would be short-lived, I’d spend every single second of that time loving you. Every day that passes with us in this limbo, that’s another set of memories we’re missing out on.”

My heart both fills at his words and breaks at my cowardice. Every single thing he’s saying makes perfect sense. If only my heart and my head would come to an agreement. My heart is screaming at me to throw myself in him arms and declare my love, but my head keeps picturing his tattoo, a symbol that he could leave and never come back.

Wiping my tears, I pull back from him. “Jace, I...”

He stops me when he bends down, placing a soft kiss on my lips. “Please don’t say anything. Not tonight. I know your feelings run deep, but you still have to sort them out on your own.”

With that, he picks me up in his arms and carries me to the bedroom, effectively ending the conversation. He lays me on the bed before he gently removes my clothes as he proceeds to make love to me. He’s slow and sweet, taking his time to worship my body, but I can see the underlying desperation in his eyes. It’s like he’s trying to shower me with his love with every kiss, every stroke, and every word he whispers in my ear. I’m drowning in his tenderness, and his slow, methodical movements become too much.