I'll Be There (31 page)

And even though she realized what they were telling her was just a way to scare her into doing what they wanted her to do, knew that they were manipulating her by using the terror most performers have of waking up one day and finding themselves out in the cold, still she bought into it. Because it had been so hard-won, because she never quite believed it was really happening for her. And because as much

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as she hated even to say the words to herself, as hard as she tried to keep it from showing, the truth was she was starting to feel it was harder to keep running on the kind of energy she once had, because she was getting older. Aging. Shit.

In her own bathroom she pulled her sweater over her head, then slid her jeans down to the floor, unhooked her bra, which had left the mark of the too-tight elastic around her, and, dressed only in her black lace panties, looked at herself in the full-length mirror on the door. After just seeing Nina’s body, every lump and bump on her own looked even worse than she remembered. Her middle was a little too round, but the legs were still great for her age. And the tits, well the size was perfect, but gravity was definitely having its way with them.

She laughed to herself, remembering Marion Brando’s line in The Last Tango in Paris, where he told the young girl that someday she’d be playing soccer with her own tits. Now she cupped a hand around each of hers, lifted them a little higher to where they used to be, and for a fleeting instant entertained the thought of calling a plastic surgeon and getting a tit job. A bra tuck they called it, pull them up a little just like this. “Get serious, Bloom,” she said, as the thought passed. Why would anyone in her right mind let someone touch her with a knife unless it was to remove something that might kill her? Then she moved her hands to the sides of her breasts, squeezed them together so the nipples pointed straight at the mirror, and said, “Reach for the sky,” to her reflection. The tits were still okay.

“Besides, there ain’t nobody beating my door down to look at them anyway,” she said, shrugging, and ran the water into the bathtub where she sat for an hour replaying that moment of Nina’s rage, wondering how and when and if they would ever get back to laughing together, reading together, gabbing away like buddies. Missing her as much as if she’d gone far away, because the Nina she knew had done just that.

The next morning Nina made herself a fast breakfast and her eyes avoided Cee Cee’s as she moved to the front door with relief when she heard the honking car horn of one of her friends who had come to take her to school. Today was Valentine’s Day, Cee Cee noticed by the date in the newspaper, which she lingered over, reading everything she might ordinarily skip like “Dear Abby” and “Peanuts” while

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she sipped some lukewarm coffee. Then she read the “Astrologica Forecast,” feeling foolish every morning when she checked the Viev section of the L.A. Times for it, hating the fact that even though sh, really believed it was bullshit, she was irresistibly attracted to it.

“Refuse to be intimidated by family member’s anger.” Hah! Everybod who read this asshole thing must have a teenager at home. The res of the mcssagc said, “Phone call brhtgs long-awaitedgrat’cation.” “Sure sure,” she said, not letting herself think about what that could possibly mean, as she poured more hot coffee and headed upstairs, carryint the cup with her. Maybe she would stop and shop for some Valentin, goodies on her way in to the office this morning, and later she couk leave them on Nina’s bed. Then at least for a minute or two whih Nina’s eyes lit up at the sight of yet another stuffed animal to add t the huge collection she already had, there would be a truce, and maybe the two of them would share even a brief moment of warmth. A moment Cee Cee craved so powerfully she didn’t even care if it took bribery to get it.

She pulled some fresh towels out of the linen closet, and just as

she passed through her bedroom the phone rang and she picked it up. “H’lo.”

“Hey there! Cee Cee Bloom.” It was Larry Gold. There was an excited edge in his voice, which always meant he had some good news. “Hold on to your hat, lady.” Cee Cee’s insides were shaking because she knew what it was he could be about to tell her. Something she had tried hard not to hope for, to think about, or to need, superstitious that the hope would make it go away. “Best actress nomination for the Oscar! How about that for the kid from the Bronx, ladies and gentlemen? Is that a good way to start your day?”

Cee Cee sat on the bed so suddenly that the hot coffee from the newly filled cup she was holding splashed on her robe, but she didn’t care. “It sure is, Larry. It sure as hell is.”

“The official letter will be coming in a day or two with the date of the ceremony, I think it’s the twenty-sixth of March, and all the info will be in that. Meantime, congratulations, kiddo. We made it.”

When she put the phone down she lay back among the pillows on her unmade bed, enjoying the quiet feeling of elation combined with disbelief. Feeling what it meant finally to be where she had been heading every day of her life. Well, almost there. To really be there would

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be to stand on that stage hanging on to that gorgeous gold statue, looking out at America and spouting one of the many speeches she’d rehearsed every night of her life since she could remember, I’d like to thank my director…

With a sensation of lightness she hadn’t felt in years, maybe since John Perry proposed to her when she was nineteen, she showered, dressed, and gathered up the papers she needed to take into her office for her ten o’clock meeting. When she got into the car and reached her foot out toward the gas pedal, she realized the front seat had been pushed back, as if someone taller had driven it. But nobody else ever drove her car. Antonia had her own little Plymouth Fury and Nina was too young to drive. She pulled the lever under the seat and moved the seat closer to the dashboard, turned the key in the ignition and the radio came blasting on, but not to her station, 105.1 KKGO. This was some jarring heavy metal station. So she pushed the button until she found KKGO and pulled out of the driveway to go to the studio.

When Nina called her at the office from the Santa Monica Mall to ask if she could buy herself a new pair of stretch Levi’s, it was as if nothing bad had happened between them at all. Hormones, Cee Cee thought, knowing that her own could sometimes make her feel as if she needed an exorcist. Fair was fair and Nina was entitled to her bad times too. “Yes, you can buy the Levi’s,” Cee Cee told her. “Oh, and Neen… I got the nomination.”

“Cee Cee!” Nina squealed. “That is so cool. That is awesome.” It was genuine excitement. And when she added, “You deserve it,” she sounded just like Bertie used to, and Cee Cee felt a pang of nostalgia. Then Nina rattled on about how she hoped Ibm Cruise, her new favorite heartthrob, was nominated so they could sit near him at the ceremony, and while they talked Cee Cee looked over at the shelf across from her desk at the huge white stuffed rabbit she had just bought Nina for Valentine Day. The rabbit held a red heart which read SOME BUNNY THINKS YOU’RE GREAT. There were other little goodies for her: a heart-shaped bud vase and some heart shaped soap, and a charm bracelet with tiny heart charms dangling from it, and she’d even found some of those old-fashioned heart shaped candies that had YOU’RE CUTE and BE MINE printed on them. All the way home from work that night she thought about the best

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way for them to celebrate the nomination. Maybe the excitement would carry them along and after Nina opened all of the Valentine’s Day gifts they would go to a movie in Westwood or order dinner in from the Chinese restaurant or pack a picnic and take it out on the sand and watch the sunset.

When she walked in the door of the Malibu house, which usually had a slight mildew scent, this time she was engulfed by the sweet thick smell of flowers, and she was astonished by the number of baskets and vases that filled the living room. Roses in bright yellows and deep reds, rich purple irises, and pink peonies with open lettucey faces by the dozens everywhere. One by one she collected and read each card, one from her business manager, Wayne, one from Larry Gold and another from the entire William Morris office, a massive basket from Hal, another from the studio executives, another from the producer of the film. And every card held some variation of the message that an Oscar nomination for Cee Cee had been a long time in coming. High with joy, she picked up one of the baskets and carried it upstairs to her bedroom, where she put it on her dresser, then took all of the goodies she had bought for Nina and went into Nina’s room to leave them for her.

The room was neat. Cee had to give the girl that. Nina was like Bertie in that way. Not a slob like Cee Cee, who always had everything so out of place she never knew where to find it. Sometimes she could waste an hour trying to find some sweater she wanted to wear and thought she’d mislaid, then remember she’d sent it to the cleaners. But not Nina; even when there was no cleaning lady around, her room was perfect. And despite her protests of womanhood, the room still looked very much like the room of a little girl, with stuffed animals all over the bed and on every sl’,elf.

Stuffed dogs and lions and elephants on the bookshelves, the windowsills, the desk, and the bed. Winnie-the-Pooh and Tigger and Eeyore, and a giant Minnie Mouse in the corner. Some of the animals Cee Cee could remember buying for her, but most of them had been gifts from or traded for with her friends. Alone in the girl’s silent room, Cee Cee put the new Valentine’s Day bunny in the middle of the bed, placed the other gifts on the night table, reached across the bed and stroked a furry white toy cat gently, then picked up the mama kangaroo, sat on the bed, and held it on her lap.

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Nina, she thought, we will get through this. As soon as I finish the next picture we’ll go away somewhere and have time to talk. Guiltily she remembered how she’d said that before, planned other trips with Nina that had fallen through. Since that painful trip to Hawaii, quite a few of their vacation plans had gone awry. The first because of an urgent business problem, and a few months ago because Nina had come down with a violent stomach flu, and by the time she was well enough to reschedule, Cee Cee was too caught up in some project she couldn’t interrupt. Well, this time they would do it. Of course it would have to be after the Oscars because between now and then she had to concentrate on getting into shape, work out with her trainer every day for hours, and decide what dress she was wearing to the ceremony and get fitted for it.

The mama kangaroo had big eyes and a funny round nose, and Cee Cee could see that the baby stuffed kangaroo, which should have been sitting in the mama’s pouch, was sitting on Nina’s dresser instead. As she stood to leave the room, she picked up the baby and was going to slide it into the mama’s pouch, but it wouldn’t fit, couldn’t slide in. As she tried to force it, it felt as if something was at the bottom of the pouch taking up the space. Absently she slid two fingers into the soft belly of the kangaroo to feel what it was, and when she pulled her fingers out, between them was a small plastic Ziploc bag filled with an unmistakable powdery white substance Cee Cee recognized immediately as cocaine. Dear God, no. With a snap in her chest everything fell into place. The moods, the skinniness, the seat in the car being pushed so far back. Probably even the mysterious stomach troubles a few months ago. No, please don’t let this be happening. Not to this kid who’s had so much to fight through already. Nausea overwhelmed her and she sat back down on the pristine bed to pull herself together and decide what to do.

There was a certain detached expression Bertie used to get on her face when she couldn’t or didn’t want to handle something. Cee Cee still remembered very clearly how that expression became more and more closed in direct proportion to how emotional the situation was. Like the time Cee Cee screamed bloody murder at her in the lobby of that hotel in Miami Beach, and Bertie just stood there, not even blinking. And then there was that year in Malibu right after Bertie found out

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Michael Barron was on a business trip in Los Angeles at the same time she apd Nina were visiting Cee Cee in Malibu, and Bertie rushed out the door to find him and beg him to see his daughter. Naturally the lowlife cocksucker had refused, and Cee Cee would never forget the way Bertie had come back to the house wearing that stoic nothing can-get-me expression, which was how Cee Cee knew the minute she saw her what Michael answer had been.

Now Nina had that expression on her face, while she looked at Cee Cce who was waving the Ziploc bag of drugs in the air, and Cee Cee knew as she heard herself say every out-of-control word that came into her head that she was doing every wrong thing imaginable in this situation, if in fact there was a situation, which she prayed that there wasn’t. Even as she shrieked in anger, she held on to the hope there would be a reason, an excuse, an explanation for drugs being in the room of this child.

“Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to?” she railed at Nina. “I know what this is and I want to know why you have it and where you got it, and I want to know right now, goddammit, or you’re never walking out that door again, except to go to school. Do you hear me? And don’t give me any bullshit either because I’ve been around the block more times than the ice cream man and I’m not some naive housewife you can con.”

“Cee Cee,” Nina said, without a trace of emotion, “I already told you, I don’t have any idea where that came from. I don’t even know if the kangaroo used to belong to Jody or Lindsay or Beth or Allison. It’s been sitting in my room for at least a year. Why are you doing this?”

Please, Cee Cee thought, please let that be true, and that I’m getting crazy for no reason at all here. “‘ina, tell me you don’t do drugs and that you never have.”