I'll Be There (32 page)

“I don’t do drugs and I never have,” she said without a flicker of

any emotion on her face. “You swear?” “I swear.”

“I don’t believe you.”

Nina shrugged, but it wasn’t a hostile shrug, it was an indifferent one.

I’LL BE THERE

“If I walked into your room with a knife and cut open every stuffed animal, would I find more dope?”

“Not that I know of,” Nina said. Her coolness was remarkable. Even if she wasn’t guilty, it would be impossible for a kid to be so undaunted by the red-faced out-of-control carrying-on Cee Cee was doing, about which she was beginning to feel really foolish. Dumb. A kid this cool had to be innocent, didn’t she?

They were standing in the kitchen, and Cee Cce walked to the sink and, without taking her eyes from Nina’s, emptied the bag of white powder into the garbage disposal, ran the water, and then ran the disposal for a long noisy time. Nina watched, with the same stoic expression she’d had on her face since the confrontation began when

she walked in. Outside a car horn honked. “Who’s out there?” Cee Cee asked. “Melissa.”

“What does she want?”

“We’re going over to Allison’s. May I go now?” “We’re not finished here.” “Okay, then she’ll wait.”

“Nina, where did the drugs come from?”

“I don’t know.”

The car horn honked again.

Maybe she didn’t know. Maybe she was telling the absolute truth. And if she wasn’t, she was the one who ought to be nominated for a frigging Oscar for this performance here, because there wasn’t a blush, an extra blink, even a trace of defiance in her expression that would give her away. Cocaine. Imfuckingpossible. But which one of those other girls would have had it?

“May I please go?” Nina asked, again without impatience. “Yeah,” Cee Cee said, “sure, go on.”

When she got to the door Nina turned back again.

“Thanks for the Valentine’s Day presents,” she said, and Cee Cee watched her leave. The house was quiet, but in her head she could still hear the echoes of her own hysterical accusations as she walked back upstairs, picturing what the whole scene would have looked like to an outsider. Nina was taller than she was, and there Cee Cee had stood, looking up at her, screaming like some irrational idiot. Like

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Mammy Yokum wagging her bossy little finger at Li’l Abner. For a while she sat on her bed leafing through copies of Rolling Stone and Ms., but she couldn’t shake the way she felt, when she’d looked at that little bag of cocaine.

It had to be a mistake. Maybe she should call each of those girls and confront them, or better still call their parents and try to get an answer out of them. Obviously the drugs had been left in the kangaroo pouch by someone else. Had to be. There was no way Nina could afford to buy drugs. Her allowance was so limited and so carefully doled out to her, it would take her forever to be able to afford even what was in that one little bag. In spite of the fact that Cee Cee bought her nice clothes and they lived in a big fancy house, the girl’s personal cash situation was practically nil. Anytime she wanted to buy something, she had to call Cee Cee and get her permission. ()kay, so maybe Cee Cee gave the permission a little too often, but there was never any cash involved. There wasn’t a way in the world she could have paid for drugs like that.

“Nina, Cee Cee brought you here because she’s afraid you might be using drugs and that maybe we could talk about it.”

“Well, there’s nothing to talk about, because I’m not,” Nina said in a small voice. “So there’s no more to say.” The girl was neatly dressed as always and the light makeup she wore was carefully and tastefully applied. She looked more like a photograph in a teen magazine than someone who had been coerced into the room by an adult suspecting her of drug use.

“If I were you I wouldn’t want to talk either. Cee Cee drops you here into the office of some adult you don’t even know and expects you to trust me. Why should you? You don’t even know me, but

maybe you could tell me why Cee Cee was so panicked on the phone.” “I don’t know.”

“Is she always that way?”

Nina didn’t react.

“What’s it like for you when she gets that way?”

Nina looked over at the door to the waiting room.

“She can’t hear us out there, these walls are soundproof, and I told her she could come in to our private session only when you felt com

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fortable about it. So even though she’s waiting out there, we don’t have to let her in at all if we need the time for ourselves.”

Nina shrugged. “It doesn’t matter to me.” Again there was silence. “When Cee Cee acts that way at home, how do you deal with it?” “I don’t.”

“Do you hide?”

“Well, I wouldn’t call it hiding, but 1 try to stay away from her.”

“And what do you do the other times? The times when you can’t stay away?”

“The other times… I guess I tell her what I know she wants to hear.”

“Good heavens!” Florrie Kagan, the family therapist Cee Cee had tracked down after frantic phone calls all over town, sat back in her chair, and Nina saw a pleased-with-herself expression on the woman’s face that meant she thought she’d found an inroad. “You must have to play a role all the time. What role do you play with her?”

Nina took a long look at her. The woman was about Cee Cee’s age, but much prettier with pouffy blond hair and giant piercing blue eyes. She wore a sweater that came down past her narrow hips over a long skirt and boots. “Is it the role of the people-pleaser, or the role of the good daughter? Tell me who you play.” Nina wasn’t sure where this was going or even what she was going to answer, until she heard it

come out of herself as she said it. “I play my mother.” “What does that mean?”

“It means I guess I act like I’m her friend who thinks she’s great. Her loyal, perfect friend.”

“And that’s who you think your mother was to Cee Cee?” “I know that’s who she was.” “What happened to your mother?” Nina looked down at her lap.

“You know what, Nina? I just saw a wall come down. This must

be so hard for you. How did your morn die?”

Nina didn’t look up.

“Nina. I know this must be tough. Can you tell me what happened to your mom?”

“She died of cancer.”

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“How old were you?”

“Eight.”

“How long was the process of dying?” “She was sick off and on for two years.” “Did you realize what was happening?”

Nina spoke but didn’t look up. “At the end.., she had this plan? To go off to Carmel? So I wouldn’t have to see her the way she wasl when she was real bad at the end. But Cee Cee went to Carmel to be with her and Cee Cee told her she had to send for me. So she did and

I got to be with her for the last few months.”

“And how was that for you?”

“Well, you can trust me, it wasn’t the prom,” she said, and as her answer rang through the office she thought how much she sounded like Cee Cee.

“Did you have a chance to say goodbye?”

“At the time I didn’t even know what that meant. I guess I always

thought she was going to come back.”

“And now?”

Nina’s eyes looked up, but far away and not at the doctor. “Now I know she’s not.”

“Nina, these are tough times for kids your age in terms of the availability of drugs and the peer pressure to use. Cee Cee called me because she found cocaine in your room, which you said you didn’t know was there. Do you know of any of your friends who are using?”

“Do you know any kids at your school who are?”

“I’m sure it’s around,” she said, “but …” She shrugged as an end to the sentence.

“You and Cee Cee have been through quite a few painful experiences together. Your mother’s death, your father’s abandonment, Cee Cee’s personal problems and career problems. All very heavy for a girl your age. Can you talk about any of that?”

Cee Cee sat in the waiting room staring at the same page in Better Homes and Gardens she’d been staring at for the last fifteen minutes, her insides throbbing with fear, knowing this could be a turning point from which she and Nina might never come back. A break between them that could never be repaired. She remembered the way it hap

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pened with Leona. How one day in 1956 or ‘57 she had looked at her mother and said to herself, I’ll tolerate my life with her until I can get the fuck out, but that’s it. I’ll never tell her one more thing about me. Never let myself care about her, never. Never confide in her or let her know who 1 am. And now she had the agonizing certainty that Nina was not only having those feelings about her, but was taking drugs to dull the pain.

When after nearly an hour had passed and the door from the inner office opened, Cee Cee jumped to her feet, and after Florrie gestured gently for her to come in, she walked slowly toward the inner office wondering what had transpired while she’d been sitting out there imagining the worst.

“Cee Cee, Nina says she thinks you’re overreacting. She says she doesn’t use drugs and has even agreed to be tested to prove it. What do you think of that?”

I think she’s lying through her perfectly straight teeth, Cee Cee thought, then thought, Thank you, God, then wasn’t sure what she thought. “What do you think of that?” she asked the lady shrink.

“Well, I suggested that even though there may not be drugs involved, the two of you might want to continue to come in here together a few times just to work on your relationship, and she agreed to that.”

“She did?” Cec Cee’s heart jumped with hope. Nina’s face was expressionless.

“How about if we set a time in a week or so for the two of you to come back?” Florrie asked.

Nina nodded. Florrie opened a calendar book and mentioned some possible appointment times. None of them were good for Cee Cee, who was scheduled up to her ears at work, but she didn’t say that. “Whichever one is good for Nina is good for me.” Nina picked a Friday appointment in a week at three thirty.

That week was crazy busy for Cee Cee. The Oscar nomination had created a flurry of events in her career, offers to field, magazine layouts to do, phone calls from Barbara Walters wanting her to tape a show in a few days which would run on Oscar night. Thankfully, and unusually, everything at home was so calm and almost back to pleasant, she didn’t even mention the idea of drug testing for fear of stirring up an argument.

“How old were you?”

“Eight.”

“How long was the process of dying?” “She was sick off and on for two years.” “Did you realize what was happening?”

Nina spoke but didn’t look up. “At the end.., she had this plan? To go off to Carmel? So I wouldn’t have to see her the way she was when she was real bad at the end. But Cee Cee went to Carmel to be with her and Cee Cee told her she had to send for me. So she did and

I got to be with her for the last few months.”

“And how was that for you?”

“Well, you can trust me, it wasn’t the prom,” she said, and as her answer rang through the office she thought how much she sounded like Cee Cee.

“Did you have a chance to say goodbye?”

“At the time I didn’t even know what that meant. I guess I always

thought she was going to come back.”

“And now?”

Nina’s eyes looked up, but far away and not at the doctor. “Now I know she’s not.”

“Nina, these are tough times for kids your age in terms of the availability of drugs and the peer pressure to use. Cee Cee called me because she found cocaine in your room, which you said you didn’t know was there. Do you know of any of your friends who are using?”

“No.”

“Do you know any kids at your school who are?”

“I’m sure it’s around,” she said, “but…” She shrugged as an end to the sentence.

“You and Cee Cee have been through quite a few painful experiences together. Your mother’s death, your father’s abandonment, Cee Cee’s personal problems and career problems. All very heavy for a girl your age. Can you talk about any of that?”

“No.”

Cee Cee sat in the waiting room staring at the same page in Better Homes and Gardens she’d been staring at for the last fifteen minutes, her insides throbbing with fear, knowing this could be a turning point from which she and Nina might never come back. A break between them that could never be repaired. She remembered the way it hap

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pened with Leona. How one day in 1956 or ‘57 she had looked at her mother and said to herself, I’ll tolerate my life with her until I can get the fuck out, but that’s it. I’ll never tell her one more thing about me. Never let myself care about her, never. Never confide in her or let her know who I am. And now she had the agonizing certainty that Nina was not only having those feelings about her, but was taking drugs to dull the pain.

When after nearly an hour had passed and the door from the inner office opened, Cee Cee jumped to her feet, and after Florric gestured gently for her to come in, she walked slowly toward the inner office wondering what had transpired while she’d been sitting out there imagining the worst.

“Cee Cee, Nina says she thinks you’re overreacting. She says she doesn’t use drugs and has even agreed to be tested to prove it. What do you think of that?”

I think she’s lying through her perfectly straight teeth, Cee Cee thought, then thought, Thank you, God, then wasn’t sure what she thought. “What do you think of that?” she as[ed the lady shrink.

“Well, I suggested that even though there may not be drugs involved, the two of you might want to continue to come in here together a few times just to work on your relationship, and she agreed to that.”

“She did?” Cee Cee’s heart jumped with hope. Nina’s face was expressionless.

“How about if we set a time in a week or so for the two of you to come back?” Florrie asked.

Nina nodded. Florrie opened a calendar book and mentioned some possible appointment times. None of them were good for Cee Cee, who was scheduled up to her ears at work, but she didn’t say that. “Whichever one is good for Nina is good for me.” Nina picked a Friday appointment in a week at three thirty.