Illicit Canvas: political romance and stand alone romance (6 page)

I stop talking in mid-sentence when I realise that Arwen is standing next to my son, Colin. She looks beautiful. My mind wanders off to last night in the park, our perfect moment together. This must be some kind of mistake. Either way, I don't want to believe that this is really happening.

“Are you all right, Dad?” Colin asks. I hear him, but for a brief second I’m still not registering what’s going on. My pulse speeds up and the sweat gathers on my forehead, making me feel uncomfortable in my own skin.

Blood drains from Arwen's face. She keeps staring at me like I’m not really here, looking numb with shock and disbelief. I have been preparing for this evening all day, cooking and thinking about her. It's only been one perfect date, one hot kiss. Fate can’t crush this for me right now.

I reach out for Colin and hug him, not taking my eyes off Arwen. She can't be the girl that he has been emailing me about all this time. She is probably a friend, someone that he decided to bring over because his girlfriend couldn't come. Her pale face tells me that she wasn’t expecting this at all.

Arwen opens her mouth slightly, staring at me in desperation, and my own body locks with fear. I'm a positive guy, nothing ever brings me down, and even in this moment I'm hoping that she isn't here because of him.

Colin glances over to her and she quickly forces a smile, trying to pull herself together.

"Dad, I would like you to meet Arwen, my girlfriend."

I have to swallow then, because I think for the first time in my life I'm going to lose my mind and start screaming. Arwen pales even further and for a split second I think that she might faint. My own pulse is racing so fast that I think I'm about to have a stroke. I'm forty-three with a lot of experience, but this ... this feels like someone has ripped away that last inch of hope that kept me going.

I don't know how, or maybe it's for my son's sake, but I manage to keep a straight face and reach out to shake her hand.

"Hello, Arwen, it's nice to finally meet you," I say, sounding weak, not like my usual self. She can't be his girlfriend. In the gallery and even when we were having dinner she didn’t mention any boyfriend. She never said that she was seeing a boy close to her age. All this time I thought that she didn’t have anyone in her life.

She looks at me horrified, but nods, obviously aware that we both have to pretend. There is no way that I'm telling my son that I went out for a date with the girl that he is seriously interested in. When our hands touch there is the same pull that I experienced when I touched her for the first time. This has never happened to me before, not until that day in the gallery.

I want to close my eyes and erase that wonderful evening with her from my memory. How could she not tell me that she wasn't single? It's all my fault. I should have asked. I should have known that there was that possibility. For Christ's sake, she is half my age. What have I been thinking?

"Hi, Mr. Rivera," she says a bit too nervously, continuing with my game. I try to breathe, but every time I inhale I feel like my throat is burning with the realisation that I can't have Arwen, because she belongs to someone else, to my only son.

"Please call me Ethan," I add with a smile. This is hard and this evening is going to be torture, but I have no choice. I have to pretend. We can't hurt Colin; he is too important to me.

Colin looks really relaxed and happy. He hasn’t said much about her, but enough to spike my interest. I have been in Luxembourg in the past two weeks and only came back to Brussels last Thursday. He had mentioned that she is an art student, and that she is British, but never mentioned her name. “Please, let’s go inside.”

Arwen drops her eyes and I turn around, walking through my corridor. My energy that kept me going throughout today has just been drained out of me. Last night I finally thought that this young girl would lift me up, that I finally found someone that I could love since my divorce.

"Dad works for the European Parliament and he’s a big fan of art like you..."

Colin is telling Arwen everything that she already knows, showing her my collection of paintings that hangs on the wall in the living room. There are a few pieces that she will love. I have lived in this home for over ten years. After my divorce, art has kept me sane. I love visiting friends and purchasing rare pieces. Colin keeps talking, now telling her about Bethany, about our life in London. Arwen looks stunning in that polka dot dress; even now I can't help but notice her long legs. All of a sudden I feel like I missed my chance all these years ago. She is young and she has her whole life in front of her. I can’t desire her now. We both need to forget about that date from yesterday.

“So, Arwen … that’s an unusual name,” I say, not able to stop myself. I want to curse God that he crossed her and Colin’s paths. Everything about her is perfect, but for me, not him.

She goes red, staring at me with those stunning blue eyes and apologising, but it's all too late. Colin has met her first. I know my son well. Until this point, he has never been serious about any other girl. As soon as I had an email from him and he mentioned a girl, I thought that maybe he finally had stopped messing around.

"Yes, it’s from the book, you know, The Lord of the Rings,” she replies, tensing. She doesn't know how to lie and I wonder if I should just tell Colin the truth. It's a struggle to be aware that he likes her more than she likes him. There is no way there could be anything between us now. I have to step back to make my son happy. In the past ten years we’ve been seeing each other mainly during holidays. Bethany would come down whenever she could, but it was never easy.
 

“Yes, of course, the elf princess,” I mutter and Colin laughs. “Anyway, would you both like a drink?”

"Beer for me, Dad, and wine for Arwen, right, sugar?" Colin asks and Arwen nods. I can tell that she doesn't like being called sugar. Arwen is a beautiful name and I don’t understand why my son wouldn’t simply use it.

I nod, assuring them that I’ll be right back. From the kitchen I can hear Colin’s laugh and my stomach churns. Once I’m alone I can catch my breath. For the past ten years my life has been monotonous. Thoughts about a new life and career have been drifting in my head. I feel burnt out—politics has lost its appeal, my day-to-day life is filled with meetings and dull discussions. Art is my passion; it has always interested me. Over the years I have built a network, with contacts around Europe. Even after the crisis in my marriage I continued to purchase and sell collections. When I met Arwen, something finally snapped. She gave me new ideas and energy.

Now I have to start over. She is just not meant to be mine.

I pick up a clean glass from the cupboard and open a very good and expensive bottle of wine. It's all for her. Arwen will appreciate this. I can't be angry that she hasn't said anything. After all, I avoided the question. I didn’t think that she was seeing anyone.

I wasn't faithful to my first wife and now I'm being punished for hurting her. She has forgiven me, but maybe I don’t deserve to find my own gratitude and love. When I come back to the living room, my son has his palm on Arwen’s thigh. Immediately I have this rage inside me. I start to
 
wonder if he has slept with her. We aren’t that close, but I want to know.

"Here you go, Arwen.” I hand her a glass of red, and our fingers brush. Her blue eyes find mine again and my pulse speeds up.

"Dad, you gave her red? She loves red. How did you know?" Colin asks. I tense, probably because I sense that Arwen is afraid to reveal anything to him.

"Lucky guess," I say quickly, clearing my throat. "I'm curious to know more about you, Arwen. Colin mentioned that you lived in Saint-Malo?"

She stiffens and takes a generous sip of her wine. Colin is watching her like she is his possession. Since the divorce he has distanced himself from me. With my relocation to Brussels and his mother’s new marriage, I haven't seen a great deal of him. Bethany and I try to talk at least twice a week and I have visited London as much as I could, but it was never enough to keep up that bond. My son lived his own life and I lived my own.

"It's a small town with an old fort. A lot of tourists visit there in the summer," she says, drinking more wine.

I already know that she doesn't want to talk to me, so I switch the subject to football. Colin picks up the hint and starts talking about his favourite team. Arwen is looking at me like someone is drowning her, but I keep the conversation going with my son and then excuse myself to the kitchen to check on the food.

I struggle to keep a straight face. It’s what I detest about my job most. The pretence, the overly formal manners, and so many lies. The relationships with politicians and business contacts that I have to maintain—even if they don’t seem valuable to either party. It’s all so false. I was ready to do something extreme a week ago after my return from Luxembourg, but then I met Arwen and she changed everything. But tonight I feel like I'm back to square one.

 
When we sit at the table and try my new Thai curry, I feel claustrophobic because Arwen is sitting opposite me and our feet touch. I can smell her perfume; it's vanilla mixed with the faint smell of paint. She was probably painting sometime throughout the day. Even that triggers my senses and excites me. My body stiffens and I am getting aroused, thinking about that kiss and the way I felt having her in my arms.

"Dad, this food is awesome," Colin says. "Dad is big fan of Asian food. He’s done a lot of
 
travelling around the world.”

Arwen smiles weakly, chewing the food. She barely touched it and I don't know if this has something to do with me or the fact that she doesn't like it. My stomach is tight and the tension in the air worries me. It was just one date, so it's all right. We can both move on. We don't have to make this difficult for anyone.

"That's great. I would love to travel too, but my Mum thinks that I am too young," she says staring at me with an intensity that speeds up my heartbeat again.

"Maybe we should, Arwen; you know, during summer break. It's a long way off, but then you wouldn't have to go alone," Colin suggests and I want to scream again. It’s so difficult hearing this, when he makes plans with her.

Arwen goes red and drops her eyes.

"Maybe," she manages to say.

I have to keep asking her questions, just to make this whole thing believable. She responds mechanically.
 
I tend not to get emotional. I cried when Colin was born, but when his mother caught me with my apprentice and screamed that I was a waste of space, her words didn’t faze me. Now I'm torn between what's right and wrong. My heart hasn't beaten so fast in years and now it's dying again.

"I'm just going to pop into the bathroom and then we’ll be going, all right, sugar?" Colin says, sending me a wink and I’m alerted again.

Chapter Eight

Arwen’s eyes follow him until he leaves the room and then we both hear the door. I exhale loudly and hide my face in my hands, hearing her speaking quietly.

"Ethan ... I'm so sorry. I had no idea that you were his father and I'm sorry that I didn't tell you I was seeing someone. With Colin ... oh God ... it wasn't serious and I meant to tell him–”

"Stop it, Arwen; you don't need to explain anything. I should have asked and now it's too late. We have to forget about that date. Pretend that it never happened," I say, trying to avoid looking at her. She is young and she probably liked the attention from an older guy like me. I don’t understand why I didn’t ask her if she was seeing someone.

Then her hand is on mine and I feel it again, the connection and her shallow breath. Her skin is soft, sending pools of warmth down my arms.

"No ... listen to me ... please come to see me later and I will explain everything. Colin won't be with me. Ethan, please."

I look at her beautiful eyes, wondering if I ever will taste her lips again or just hold her. More conversation will only make it hard for both of us.

"Arwen, it's all right, you don’t–"

"Tonight at eight o’clock, downstairs. Please, Ethan, just half an hour," she pleads, making me
 
want to hold her again. She doesn't even realise what kind of effect she has on me. Graphic images have been turning in my head since the moment we kissed.

"All right, fine. I will be there," I say and take my hand away just in time before Colin comes back to the room. The rest of the evening drags, and every time I meet Arwen's eyes, there is guilt in them. Nothing is going to change. Even if she breaks up with him, we can't start dating each other. This would kill Colin and probably my career. I know that the painting is still important to her and I want to help her, but my own desires have to be put aside.

Arwen is quiet for the rest of the evening and Colin keeps talking about his university course, his mother, and the places where he would like to take Arwen. I’m so relieved when they leave, trying to digest this evening and my own feelings. I’m pissed off, angry with myself. How could I think that a girl like her would be interested in me?

I haven't had sex for over a year and my last relationship was a total failure. Nadia was great, we had fun together, but it didn’t last. When I told her about my idea of quitting my job, she said that I was crazy, that it was a mistake. She didn't get that I was unhappy.

I clean the plates and put them into the dishwasher. Colin seems so happy and I know that he will be devastated when she ends whatever it is between them. I'm probably making a big mistake meeting her later, but we both have to clear the air, behave like two adults.

I sort the kitchen and then jump into a cold shower, trying to deal with the mounting feelings
 
that are splitting my head in two.

At seven I’m sitting on my bed wondering if I'm doing the right thing. Exhaustion hits me all of a sudden and I know that tomorrow will be a new day, but will I be ready to face it? In the end I change into some casual clothes and drive to her place. Colin can be persistent and I need to be very careful. I park a distance away and sit there wondering how old I am. This feels like I'm back in high school, sneaking from my mother’s balcony to a party.

Colin hasn't got a car. He could still be upstairs. Arwen is confused, but after a successful evening like that, Colin would probably want to stay over. I can't get my head around the fact that my son is making love to a woman that I desire.

When eight o'clock passes, I see Arwen outside. She is alone, looking out for my car. I stare at her for several minutes. She can't see me and I don't want to make this any harder than it already is.

She looks so lost and worried. After some time, I can't take it anymore and I switch on the engine and drive towards her. Her face brightens when she sees me. I unlock the door and when she gets in I feel like I can't breathe again. Her scent invigorates me, excites me.

I kill the engine and for about five minutes neither of us says anything. Arwen is not even looking at me. My own mind is going through other scenarios.

"Ethan, I'm sorry that I didn't tell you. I had no idea that we were going to have dinner with you. Colin surprised me.”

I then do something that I shouldn’t. My hand reaches out for hers and the touch is automatically comforting.

"Don't apologise. I'm partly to blame. I should have asked. After all, you're twenty years younger than me."

"I don't have any feelings for him and we have only been dating for a month. When he approached me all those weeks ago, I thought that he just wanted to be friends."

Obviously he was persistent.

"But you aren't just friends, Arwen. He introduced you as his girlfriend," I point out and automatically want to take it back. She squeezes my hand.

"Yeah, one thing led to another and we started going out, but it was never serious. I haven't slept with him or anything. Then I met you and I was planning to end it with him. Believe me."

"I believe you, but that doesn't change anything. Colin is my son and he cares for you. We can still stay in touch, but only as friends, Arwen. That’s all there can ever be between us.”

"I understand that now there can't be anything between us. But I'm still going to talk to Colin tomorrow and tell him that I just want to be friends," she insists, moving too close to me. Her scent is overwhelming, and my heart is racing away. What is it with this girl that she gets me all worked up? I’m not thinking straight.

"I see the way he looks at you, Arwen. He hasn't been serious about any other girl before. You’re the first," I say with a heavy heart.

"It doesn't matter. He will understand. I can't be with him knowing that he's your son. I get why you want to be friends and I respect that, but I still need your help with finding that painting, although I will understand if you say no."

I turn around then to face her and I know that this is going to be the hardest thing I have to do, but her angelic face is like a dream and I want to be close to her even if we can only be friends.

"I'll help you; there is no doubt about that, but Colin mustn’t know about any of it. I have an important job and if the press finds out that I'm dating my son's girlfriend, the careers of many people could be put into jeopardy. I can’t risk it, despite how we both are feeling about this.”

There are tears in her eyes and I hate seeing her hurt. My chance for happiness is right there in front of me, but it’s slipping away. Arwen might be young, but we understand each other and our connection is stronger than it has ever been with anyone else.

"Oh, Ethan, I wish that I had never met Colin. I wish this didn’t have to be so difficult," she says and then I have to bring her to me, to feel her skin against mine.

"I promise that I will help you find that painting, but maybe you should think about your decision. Colin won't understand and he cares too much for you."

"More than you do?"

I exhale sharply, trying to cool down. I have to stop thinking about her like someone that I desire. She is just my son’s friend, a girl that has to find her father.

"It doesn't matter what I feel, Arwen. It's done. From now on we will see each other purely on friendly terms."

"All right. I'm sorry. I know that it's only been a few days, but I don't want to lose you, Ethan."

"Don't worry, Arwen, you won't."

And then she smiles, nods, and leaves the car. She doesn't look back when she is walks up to her building. I tighten my grip on the steering wheel and wonder if I’m ever going to get over her. It's not love, I can't fool myself, but I have never felt anything like this towards anyone.

When I finally drive away I know that I have to concentrate on my career. I will sort my affairs in the office and then hand in my notice.

Arwen planted an idea in my head. I know enough about art to open a gallery or a studio and once again take pleasure in my own work. I have savings, so that should tide me over until I start making a decent income. Colin will never find out that I'm helping her. From now on my life is going to be all about my new project and finding Arwen's father. My own feelings and desires can go to hell.