I'm Judging You (27 page)

The Brand:
This person takes the idea of themself as a “brand” to heart, and I don't know if they talked to a wack social-media strategist, but they think being “on brand” means
always
doing the thing they're known for, no matter in what context or how ridiculous they come off. If they have a “thing” online, they will make sure to do it in real life, too. There's on brand, and then there's being a walking cartoon. Are you wearing the same thing all day every day because it's what you're known for online? Are you Bart Simpson? Doug Funny? I just described myself, I know. I do love me some blazers and red pumps. But some folks are so bad about this that you think they're under contract to wear that yellow flower in their hair every day, or white pants all year long. Do they get fined for being seen in something different? Why are they so dedicated to their look? Do they think people won't know who they are without it? Why are you wearing your famous fur beanie
to a beach
? You look sweaty as hell. Take that off!

The Quasi-famous:
There comes a time when you earn your “I'm a digital influencer” badge by someone recognizing you on the street. They might come up to you excitedly and ask to take a selfie with you. Hopefully, you at least ask what their name is. The first time it happens, you walk away either freaked out or really excited because someone you've never met in real life was super-happy to see you. Well, some of our eCelebs will take this first time to heart. They got recognized for their video or blog once, and now they're all “I live in fear of being recognized everywhere.” Girl, bye. ONE person seeing you does not make you Princess Diana. This person is really insufferable if you go somewhere with them, because they're looking around for people who might recognize them, so they make that lingering eye contact that creeps folks out. One day, you're standing on the street with them when someone interrupts your convo. Quasi-famous jumps to conclusions and goes, “Yes, we can totally take a selfie,” and the person is all, “Oh, I was just wondering if you knew where Main Street is.” At that moment, if you listen real close, you can hear a small ripping noise, because their ego just got torn in two.

What is also hilarious is when they assume that because their video/blog/Snap got some high number of views means
everyone
they come across has seen it. There is nothing funnier than when someone tells someone else, “You've probably seen my video,” and the other person responds with a blank stare and says, “No, I haven't. Can you tell me about it? How do I find it?” I relish those times, and I'm sitting there looking back and forth like I'm at a petty tennis match. They say things like, “You've probably read my post on…” Actually, I have not. Don't assume anything. Even if I have, I might still tell you I haven't just because I want to humble you.

The Powerful Threatener:
Online influence does not always translate to people giving a damb in real life. But the Powerful Threatener doesn't understand this. They go to dinner, board a plane, or drop off their clothes at the dry cleaner expecting perfect service. When they don't receive it, they will pull out their “I'm famous on the Internet” chip quickly, saying things like, “I am so going to put you on blast on Twitter and Facebook and my blog.” It's too bad no one curr. Sit down. It's especially funny when the person they're threatening has no Internet knowledge. “You're going to bust me on Facetweet?” They could not give any less of a damb. Join the mere mortals down here, and talk to a manager if the service sucks. Stop threatening people with your abstract fame.

The Mismatched:
They are known for being direct, brash, and loud online. They tell it like it is, and they do it when they want. Then you meet them in a social setting and they're wallflowers who look uncomfortable being where they are. Also, they spend the entire time on their phone, and then you log on to Twitter and see that they're posting up a storm like they're the middle of the party. Is the persona not real? Are you tired that day? The flip side is the person who is real thoughtful and quiet online, but an asshole in real life—the online feminist dude who calls women bitches casually when he's out, or the Christian values–preaching video blogger whose marriage is only monogamous when his wife is looking.

The Revolutionary:
This eCeleb is notorious for their social justice–driven platform. They are brilliant as hell, their work is dope, and they take themselves very seriously. As they should, of course. Except you cannot have a conversation at brunch with them without the words “respectability,” “rendered invisible,” and “paradigm” being used. Their burdens got burdens, and you wonder if they'll need a back brace, since they seem to shoulder every single problem in the world all by themselves. I know you were on
The Melissa Harris-Perry Show
twice, but can I just eat my breakfast trio in peace? Also, can you take your Gloria Steinem book off the table? We need that space for more orange juice, which you are more pressed than. The funny thing is that you knew them back when they would call people all types of names but “child of God.” Now, you cannot tell them anything, because they ended up on one too many lists of “45 About That Life Activists You Should Know.” Their best work is preaching to the choir using insider language all day on Twitter.

The Pioneer:
This person believes that all great ideas on the Internet originated in their mind. They've threatened to quit social media because they think everyone is biting their brilliance, and they put a
TM
next to everything they tweet, even though it's a regular-ass phrase that people have been using for years. The thing about the Pioneer is that you can't tell them shit. You cannot tell them that their wit is just them regurgitating other people's words that they forgot they heard before. They spend most of their time pursuing people who have “stolen” from them, yet they have no real leg to stand on. You wonder whether if they spent more of their time actually doing work they wouldn't think someone else using a phrase from 1972 was worth losing hours of their day to. Also, they are prone to quote themselves from time to time, or create memes of their own “deep words.”

*   *   *

I've actually described myself in a couple of these profiles. Now I'm ashamed and judging myself for being an asshole. It is all fickle, and those follower numbers do not feed most people, do not guarantee sustained notoriety, and surely do not mean everyone is cheering for you. Internet fame is flimsy, because it can be erased with the press of a button in some tech guy's office. Those of us who think we've earned our own fame have to realize that we've more than likely done it in a walled garden that is out of our control. People have had their Facebook pages with 500,000 fans deleted for violating some terms they cannot comprehend. People have been suspended from Twitter accounts with 200,000 followers. We need to keep in mind how ephemeral all of this is.

We should check ourselves a bit and understand that being a big deal on the Internet is not necessarily permanent, and being a “new age” celebrity can be fleeting. You are only as good as your last piece of work.

 

22. On Sex Tapes

We are human beings, and we are supposed to have sex because it keeps us going, literally. We are programmed for sex, and God made it feel good so we'd want to do it. Praise Him everlasting. But we are terrible about talking about sex, we are shy about admitting we watch other people have sex, and we live in ways contradictory to our natural inclinations. We're hypersexual prudes, which makes no sense. When we see others having sex on tape, we automatically label them as deviant. But we watch those same tapes over and over again, not admitting that we're actually studying and learning from them. So when nude pictures leak, and sex tapes drop, and porn flourishes, we frown, as if they do not exist because we like to consume them.

The existence of homemade sex tapes is neither new nor extraordinary. Maybe folks just want to see what their own “OMG, I'm coming” face looks like. I don't even like hearing my own voice on the radio, but no judgment, okay? Do what you gotta do. Most people keep these tapes for their personal collection, to be studied and reminisced about and to get your cookies off on a night when you're bored at home. Some people will make the decision to release these tapes for public consumption to make money and to try to get famous from it. I think that's fine, as long as they know what will come of that and they are realistic about their end game.

In the past, sex tapes were often leaked by vengeful, butthurt-ass exes who wanted to publicly humiliate their partners. Those people deserve a special ride on the express train to hell for willingly violating the agreement of partnership and broadcasting such intimate moments for vengeance. I need Satan to add extra gasoline to their fireplaces every night when they get to their apartments in Hades. I am not judging the folks who had to suffer through that. I am side-eyeing the people who have started using sex tapes as part of their blueprint to becoming notorious.

When does it make sense to release a sex tape on your way to fame? If you want to be famous for doing porn. Or if you want to be a worldwide teacher of sex workshops. As long as your goal is to be known for sex, then yes, drop a tape on the people and flourish. But many of those who have willingly let their sex game become public property are not trying to become the next non-political Deep Throat or Supahead. They just want their names to be known by any means necessary, and I'm judging anyone who uses that strategy for lacking self-awareness and a realistic outlook on our society.

The game was changed when Kim Kardashian's sex tape dropped and overnight, she went from being Paris Hilton's closet cleaner to a known quantity. Kim is the godmother of Sex Tape Success, but those who want to follow her map aren't taking into account that she is an exception, far from the rule. She broke the mold, and no one has been able to replicate her feat. Many have come before and after her, but few have sustained their relevance as she has. Her current position and relevance in our popular culture has given false hope to folks, and I want us to close that Pandora's box. Leave hope right in there, because this ain't the way.

Less than a decade ago, Kim was a sidekick to someone else who had no real talent but was famous anyway (Paris Hilton). Now, she's one of the most famous people on earth (with the most followers on Instagram to prove it), and she's married to one of the biggest rock stars on the planet (Kanye West). Her come up is so real that it gives me vertigo. It is impressive how much the woman has kept her name in these streets, having done nothing extraordinary professionally or artistically.

She started by selling sex, and she continues that in a way by letting her body do the talking for her. She is still selling sex, but she is no longer doing it quite so literally. She just posts pics of her ample backside on her social media to remind us. For your sex tape to lead to success, you have to use your ass as your brand perpetually. Can people attempt to change the conversation about themselves? Sure, they can. But Kim rolled with the tide and rode the sex wave all the way to the bank.

You will need to place pictures of yourself wearing onesies and nothing else on Instagram, with your ass to the camera. You will need to attempt to break the Internet by being on the cover of a magazine slathered in oil with your ass crack as the focus of the shot. You have to be self-aware and know that you are offering nothing else of value besides a beat face and a bangin' ass, and you have to serve that on a platter constantly. And because you've based all your public worth on your looks, you'll be pressured into keeping it perfect, so you'll need to chop and screw it with plastic surgery to make sure no parts are ever out of place. If they are, you might be cast out of the circle of fame quick, fast, and in a hurry.

Kim has done it by playing right into these facts, not attempting to offer much else of value besides that beat face and bangin' ass. Of course, you keep using your body as your
only
tool of value and people might continue to see you as a simpleton who's dragging two watermelons behind you, with an echoing space between your ears. In all things, be clear what your messaging is. Any woman who wants to try to be like Kim can choose to do so. Choose your choice, and all that jazz. However, our society has not gotten its shit together enough to allow such a choice to lead to prosperity most of the time.

Building your career on a sex tape is fine if you understand that it will define you. People love to categorize things. It is natural, and once you've done a sex tape, folks' brains place you in the porn-star category with quickness. Thereafter, people seeing you as anything but that sexual object will not compute. It's unfair, unjust, and seemingly unchanging, unfortunately. So no, you can't drop a sex tape today and expect that it means you'll get new clients all of a sudden for your finance-consulting company. That is not how that will work. Getting famous from a sex tape means you will live in that shadow for a long time. You might cure cancer, but the asterisk next to your name will mention the sex tape you did in 1952.

Almost a decade later, Kim can break the mold because she has an entire machine behind her committed to ensuring that she remains in the limelight. Her mother, who is the chief strategist of turning shady shit into shining glory, has created and executed the plan smoothly, because many years after that tape, Kim is still commanding our attention. She is being forced down our throats at every turn, and her every blink is news. She is making millions on video games, she's been on the cover of
Vogue
, and she steps on red carpets and shuts them down.

Paris Hilton's sex tape was leaked and it damaged her name and her brand. It ostracized her from her very famous family name, and it ruined her journey to the top. Her former assistant is making millions on a video game and ending up on the cover of major magazines, while Paris is appearing on red carpets and being elbowed out the way for Miley Cyrus. I think it comes down to Kim's commitment to stay in the limelight, a mom who isn't afraid to pimp her assets out, and an entire family that is equally as pressed for notoriety. She went from a sex tape to a reality TV show that was spurred on by her love of getting married and her aversion to having moments of privacy. That show then spawned a variety of other business enterprises for her. Seriously impressive.