Imani All Mine (11 page)

People was talking back to the preacher. I can see some of they hands. Not like real hands. But shadow hands. Raised up like you raise your hand in school. People telling him to preach it. Voices talking back from faces I can't see. Faces that's part of the dark. Hid from me under the yellow light of the moon hanging from the ceiling on a chain. They say the preacher is telling the truth on Jesus. It seem the music saying it too. Seem like it's creeping into me, the way it roll. The way it come up the aisle shaking me all inside. Shaking at my heart. But I ain't believe no Jesus walked on no water.

The preacher say, Now you ain't got to believe me. His own friends ain't believe him, and they seen him with they own eyes. They was up in that ship like a ship of fools. Screaming and hollering because they thought they was seeing a ghost. Now ain't that something when you own friends doubt you? It's got to make you think, What kind of friends I got? But Jesus ain't say that. He ain't think that. He say,
Be of good cheer. It is I. Be not afraid
. Now there was this one man in that ship. Peter. Doubting like the rest. But he had some courage, and let me tell you this, the brother had some nerve. Because he say to Jesus, If you really Jesus, tell me to step on out there with you. Call
me
on out. If you so bad, Jesus. If you so real, Jesus. If you so powerful, Jesus, let me walk on out on the water with you. And you know Jesus was cool. All he say. All my Lord say was,
Come!

Now, I tell you I wouldn't have wanted to have been nowhere near Peter. Because you know the brother had to be sweating. You know the brother had to be stinking. Wasn't no deodorant back then, people. And I can tell you Peter had to be funky with the sweat of doubt. You know he must have been. Stepping out in the water. Out in the dark. Out in the night with doubt in his heart. Now tell me people. If you really ain't know, would you have stepped out? Walked out to Jesus?

Yes. Yes, Lord. Say the voices. Yes, Lord, say the dark. Yes, Lord, say the music. Say the music in my heart.

Now, people, don't you lie. Would you have stepped out in the dark? In the water. In the water. In the water. In the water. Would you have stepped out on your faith? On your faith in your heart? On your faith in Jesus. On your faith. On your faith. In Jesus. In Jezzz. In Jes-us. In Jezzz. In Jes-us. In Jezzz.

Yes; Lord. Yes, Lord. Yes, Lord. Yes, Lord. Say the dark. Say the voices. Yes, Lord in my heart.

And then they hands turn into voices clapping in the dark. Clapping and clapping and clapping. Until I look down and see my baby hands turn into a voice. She clapping with them. Her bottle hanging in her mouth.

Faith! the preacher scream, and Imani sit up. Peter stepped out on faith. That's all he had. And you know what, church? Peter walked on the water, the preacher say. Walking across the front of the church, the wide sleeves of his robes flapping. Peter strode on top the water, he say. Walking back the other way. I tell you, people. It was getting good to Peter. You know how it be when something get good to you, he say, wiping his face with his handkerchief. You know how it be when you got the feeling and you don't want to come up off it. You don't want it to stop. That's how Peter was feeling. Feeling so good, he could have skipped across the water, he say. And the preacher skip across the front of the church like kids be skipping on the playground. His robe flying all up. His robe dancing up around his legs. I bust out with a laugh. The preacher keep right on skipping. I think the boy next to me looked at me. I feel a whole flash of heat hit me like I done opened a door to a oven. I fan even harder, and the preacher step back behind his stand.

Now you know that feeling ain't last, say the preacher, breathing hard. Wiping at sweat that's coming down his face like water. Just because something good to you don't mean it's going to last. And it didn't take much to shake Peter's faith. All it took was some wind, he say. The wind come up around Peter. It blew all in his face. Whipped all at his clothes, and he fell. He fell down. In the water. In the dark. In the deep. And he say,
Lord, save me
. Save me. Lord, save me. Save me. Save me. And Jesus, you know our Lord. You know Jes-us. You know Jezzz. He picked him up. He picked up Peter. Jes-us. Picked him up, and then he say, You know what's wrong with you, Peter. You have little faith! Our Lord said it. To a man. That stepped out on faith. Jes-us then asked Peter. He asked,
Why
did you doubt me? He asked, Why did
you
doubt me? He asked, Why did you doubt
me? And
. what did Pet-er Pet-er Pet-er have to say? How did Peter answer Jesus? Who had just saved his life? Who had picked him up from the deep?

Nothing, say the voices calling from the dark.

Nothing, say the preacher standing in the light. Because the Lord spoke the truth. Faith. You need faith. In your life. In your heart.

When you doubt. As soon as the wind. As soon as the storms that fill this life. Blow your way. You going to fall. Like Peter. Like Pet-er. Like Peter.

You need faith. In this life. Because we're like the children of Israel. Living in wilderness. But our wilderness is in the streets.

The preacher say this and pointed at the yellow window. We lost in a wilderness that ain't been lost in us. It's in our hearts. And done turned us into beasts. Using drugs. Selling drugs. Selling our bodies. It's turned us against each other. Turned us into idolaters, adulterers, liars, thieves, murderers. Left us scared like children in the night.

Yes, Lord. Yes, Lord.

Left us doubting just like Peter. Wondering who can we trust? And you know the answer. Just like Peter. Jes-us. Jes-us. Jes-us. No matter how far down you fall, Jesus can pick you up, he say. Then he sung them same words. No—matter—how—far—down—you—fall—Jesus—can—pick—you—up. The choir start singing too, like it was practiced that way for a show.

Everybody in the choir stands up at the same time. Somebody starts beating on a tambourine and the choir starts stepping side to side. Rocking side to side. They feet stomping out music. They hands clapping out music. Singing that song about Jesus that ain't mean nothing to me. Singing with words I ain't know. Words that mean something to them.

And in the dark, I see people standing up. One at a time. Two. Three. They popping up like they been under water for a long time and was coming up for air. Like they can't stand to be under no longer. All around me they getting up. Coming up until I can't see nothing. Until all I can see is the dark. All I can feel is the heat, and I can't hardly breathe because it seem like all the air's over my head. The only way I going to get some is to stand up. So I do.

I put Imani down next to me in the aisle. She clapping, still holding her bottle with her teeth. Slinging it back and forth across her chin. My baby bouncing the way she do when she be dancing to music on the radio. Even though this isn't no music on the radio we listening to. This music is about Jesus. Somebody Imani ain't even know nothing about. But she act like I brung her to the New Light of the Covenant Church every Sunday. Like she one of these people I can't hardly even see.

About all I can see clear up front is the heads of the choir. Rocking back and forth. The floor shaking under my feet. It's moving with a beat and I can hear that music of the organ getting louder and louder. It's all up next to my heart. Pushing past it. Into my arms. Running down my legs. It's scaring me, how it can do that. Leaving me even hotter inside so that I'm steady fanning. Trying to cool down. Trying to find some more air.

Some woman up front. Some voice starts hollering about Jesus. Over and over. Saying, Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Jesus. And the choir start singing his name over and over. Jes-us. Jezzz. Jes-us. Jezzz. While the preacher ask, Don't you want to come to Jesus this morning? Don't you want to give your life to him? He gave his life for you.

I see the preacher face then real clear in the light. Glowing. While that woman steady screaming. He say, Come on up here. It's only a short walk. Step out on faith this morning. Come on out across the water.

I'm looking to see who's going to go up there to the preacher when I see my baby crawling up the aisle! Imani headed up front. Like he was talking to her. Calling to her. I take off and grab her up in my arms before she get all the way there. Imani don't like it. She start kicking to get down when I think she seen what I seen and stopped. That woman hollering up front is Miss Lovey.

She right off to the side of the preacher, standing up with her body jerking like there's something in it. Something trying to get out. The woman dressed like a nurse is there with her, and another two women dressed the same way. Fanning her. Miss Lovey say, Thank you, Jesus. Oh, thank you, Jesus. Oh, thank you, Lord. With her hands throwed up in the air. With her face of tears turned up to the ceiling.

The preacher humming and fanning at hisself with that handkerchief real hard. So hard it come from out his hand. Now I know I ain't crazy. I guess it's the light or something. But for a second it look like a bird up in the air. Some white bird that had come right through the ceiling. Down from the trees. Out from the wilderness and floated down to the floor.

The preacher say, Won't you come this morning?

Looking right straight at me. I can feel his eyes on me, and my feet stand still while the music roll hard up against me. Holding me up. Holding me there. Touching me like I want to be touched. In a place I need to be touched. Like when I used to be kissing on Peanut. That music in my heart. In my arms. That music in my legs making me think it is all right to take a step. Even if I don't believe what it's saying. I don't think it's lying to me. Like some boy lying to me. Like
him
lying to me that night. Out in the trees. Out in that wilderness. Like Peanut lying to me about liking me thick. Like Miss Odetta lying to me about the preacher. Like Mama lying to me about God. I think that music have truth in it, and I ain't hot no more. I don't have the fan with me. But I feel a cool starting inside of me. Pouring down on me like water. Coming down on me. I stand there looking at that preacher and he say right to me, Jes-sus. Jezzz. Jesus is in the wilderness. He's in the forest. He's in the trees.

I want to step to him. To follow his voice. Miss Lovey already there by the preacher in the light, and it seem like it might be safe to go out farther. To take a giant step like when I was little and playing Mother May I at recess. Mother may I take a giant step? Mother may I take a scissor leap? Some baby steps? Mother may I come to you? But I know Mama ain't going to like that. She ain't going to want to hear nothing about God and Jesus and the wilderness and how I feel just now. I'm thinking I could walk on water. That music could carry me right on up to the preacher. Where I could fall and he would pick me up. But I know if I go up there to him, I won't be able to lie with my face right when I get home. So instead of going forward, I back right up the aisle. A baby step. A baby step. A baby step back to my seat. Back into the dark where the moonlight is hanging over me and I see in it what looked like a man.

 

All during the christening I was cool and shivering like I had just stepped out the tub from a bath. The choir was quiet and the music was quiet and the voices was quiet. They had all slipped into the dark, and the only voice there was the preacher's blessing Asia and Aisha. The twins was all dressed in long white dresses and they was laid back sleep. Missing everything. Eboni was holding one and Miss Lovey the other one. They daddy was supposed to be there. But he ain't even get out of jail. Eboni say he got in a fight or something stupid like that. I couldn't tell which baby was which. But the preacher knew, because he went to each one with something look like a silver pie plate. He dipped water from it and sprinkled water over they heads. Saying, I bless you Asia Joelle Carter and Aisha Noelle Carter, in the name of the Father and the Son and Holy Ghost. Them babies ain't even wake up. If that had been Imani, ain't no way she would have slept through nobody pouring water on her head. My baby would've been all awake and paying attention. Seem like that blessing was wasted on them.

I ain't even say that to Eboni, though, when it was over. I told her everything was real nice. Which it was. Her babies got to be blessed like that and have God looking out over them special. The Holy Ghost and Jesus too! And I was thinking, Who my baby got? Just me? I made it up in my mind right then that I was going to bless her. Because a baby need a blessing. There ain't nothing in them books Mrs. Poole be making us read about a blessing. It ain't nothing Mama never talked to me about. But I left the New Light of the Covenant Church knowing I was going to bless Imani, because when I took her out that door, we was heading out into the wilderness.

Mama was sitting right on the couch when I got home. Miss Odetta, too. Drinking and smoking and her feet up making work for me before I even walked in the door. Ain't neither one of them open they mouths about the church. But the question was all on they face. Making they mouths curl up on the ends with smiles because they knew they was right. Imani was sleep by then. All wore out with the cold and wind.

I sat right down next to Mama and I say, just as big and bold as day, That church wasn't about nothing. I say it with a flat face. My baby's eyes popped right open and she stared right straight at me like she know I was lying. Miss Odetta actually sat up straight like her back wasn't broke.

Mama say, I could have told you that. Money. That's all church is about.

Miss Odetta ask, How the preacher look? Bad? Imani was still looking at me like she was understanding, so I shook my head and say I had to go put Imani down so she could get a good nap in. I was thinking of blessing her then. But I wanted to wait until we was all alone, like we was tonight.

After I blessed her, Imani got the shivers before I could get her out the tub. I ain't even let the water out. I just got her out and dried her real good and dressed her before I even dried and dressed myself. Then I put her down in her crib with a bottle and went to let the water out the tub. Before the last of it went down the drain, I was thinking that I didn't know if the blessing took. I hoped it did. That she got more than me. And then I took a few drops of water up in my hands and blessed myself.