Imperfectly Bad (22 page)

It had been a few weeks since my last run-in with Jenny, and there had been no word from her. The one time I needed to talk to her and it seemed that she had fallen off the face of the planet. She avoided my calls and despite numerous visits to the coffee shop, I couldn’t track her down. I just wanted to figure shit out, close the door on her and be done, but she couldn’t even give me that much.

In the past I had believed the things that she’d said to me, but with my newfound clarity my brain wouldn’t accept her diluted version of the truth. Although it ate at me daily, I pushed the guilt of what I’d done deep down and went back to Layla, putting my heart and soul into our relationship.

It didn’t take long for me to figure out that shit was bad. I was in love with two people, something I never thought possible, and even though the idea seemed preposterous, it was the honest to God truth.

Jenny.

Layla.

Layla.

Jenny.

Things in my life began to slip because my mind was in a constant fog. Day and night, work or home, I never knew whether I was coming or going. Yet somehow, I managed to put on the best show possible. Despite my confusion, and the never-ending game of tug of war that fate and the universe insisted on playing with my heart, I acted like nothing was wrong, fooling everyone around me into thinking that I’d made my mind up and moved on from the succubus that was Jenny.

Everything seemed fine, until it wasn’t. I stared out the window, watching the rain pelt against the pane, until I wasn’t really looking anymore. I was watching, and listening to the patterns in the sounds.

It was still early when the apartment buzzer started going off. Coffee splashed to the floor when I turned quickly to glance at the clock. It was seven a.m. and I wasn’t expecting anyone. In fact, since Tyler and Elizabeth had left early to take Emily to the zoo, I had been looking forward to a day alone.

The buzzer went off again and I carefully set my cup down on the table, walking over to hit the button to let whoever it was, into the building. Within seconds there was a knock on the door. I flung it open only to find Jenny standing there, looking like shit.

“You didn’t even ask who it was,” she said, slightly breathless. “Do you always just let ‘buzzers’ in?”

“It’s like roulette,” I joked. “I do it for the thrill.”

“I could have been a serial killer.”

“But you weren’t… unless you have something to tell me.

The smile left her face, and she diverted her eyes towards the ground. In the weeks we had spent apart she had apparently taken to studying wood grains.

“Can I come in?” she asked quietly, her eyes never leaving the floor.

“Of course.” I stepped aside to let her in. “Can I get you some coffee?”

“No, thanks.” She plopped down at the table just as I closed the door and I followed her lead, taking a seat across from her.

We sat for a few moments, surrounded by uncomfortable silence. Her lip quivered when her eyes made contact with mine.

“You’re scaring me, Jenny.”

It was the truth. The way her eyes kept darting around the room, and the fact that she was twisting her fingers so hard that the tips were turning white, was giving me all sorts of mixed signals. It was bad enough I hadn’t heard from her in weeks, but looking at her now I knew something terrible was about to go down.

“You should be,” she said, and from across the table her voice was barely audible. Looking at her more closely, I noticed that her eyes were full of tears, so much so that they pooled along her bottom lid.

“What’s going on, Jenny?”

“I’m pregnant,” she blurted.

It seemed stupid, but all I could manage was to say, “What?”

“I’m pregnant, Rob, and I—”

She threw her head into her hands as a strangled sound escaped from her mouth, and I watched in horror as her shoulders started to heave.

Moving my chair closer to hers, I reached out to put my hand on her back and started rubbing small circles in an attempt to comfort her. On the outside I was able to keep a calm exterior, but inside I was freaking out. Truth was, I needed someone to comfort
me
.

A fuckin’ kid?

No way in hell was I ready for that!

“I’m sorry, Rob,” she finally managed to say, “but I don’t know who the father is.” Another sob escaped from between her lips and my heart jumped to my throat. I felt sick.

“What do you mean, you don’t know?” The two times we’d slept together she’d acted like she was starving and I was her only chance at another meal. We’d always had chemistry but I had obviously been delusional to assume that she wasn’t getting it at home.

“He’s my fiancé, Rob. He takes care of me. I’m still marrying him but I thought you should at least know.”

“What the fuck, Jenny?”

“Please, don’t be mad at me—”

“Don’t be mad? You’ve got to be fuckin’ kidding me! You’re knocked up, possibly with my kid, and you’re still getting married to the prick! So forgive me if I’m slightly upset by all of this!”

Tears started to roll freely down her cheeks. Watching her break down, it struck me that this was the first time I’d ever seen her cry. Everything around her was crumbling. Jenny was losing her inner strength—the one that gave her that tough exterior. I couldn’t bear to see her reduced to that so I diverted my attention to the window, feigning fascination at the patterns the raindrops made as they pelted against the glass.

“What are you gonna do?” I finally asked, the tone of my voice harsher than it should have been with my need to just rip the Band Aid off.

“I don’t know, but that’s not the only thing I came here to tell you.”

My fists were clenched so hard that I felt my nails dig into the skin of my palms and I was sure I would start dripping blood at any minute. I took a deep breath, stopped steaming, and glared at her, knowing full well that the hits were going to keep on coming. Shit had come to a head, and all hell was about to break loose.

But before my life as I knew it came crashing down around me, I needed alcohol. The silence in the room magnified the sound of my chair scraping backwards and without another thought, I made my way to the liquor cabinet. I had to dig a bit, pushing aside the cheap tequila, but finally I found it. This situation called for the good stuff and I had snagged the bottle of Glenfiddich from my Dad’s den when I’d moved out all those years ago. It was the symbol of all I wanted my life to be. It was the thirty-year-old scotch that I had been saving for the perfect moment. I had hoped for it to be a happy occasion, but fuck it.

“No time like the present,” I muttered to myself before opening it and taking a long haul from the bottle. Not bothering with a glass, I carried it back to the kitchen with me, slamming it on the table. Too lost in her own thoughts, Jenny jumped at the noise.

“All right,” I seethed, “I think I’m ready now.”

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “This isn’t the first time I’ve been pregnant.”

My heart ceased to function. I literally felt it stop, deep in my chest. My throat tightened, and bile rose up my throat. Tears pricked my eyes as I choked back the sadness. Once my heart started beating again, I had the presence of mind to know what had happened. It didn’t take a genius to figure out where she was going with this. Jenny had had a baby, that much I was sure of. She’d mentioned one time that she was against abortion, and no matter how unfortunate a situation could be, it would never be bad enough to take a life.

“You had a baby? Our baby? My baby?”

She nodded, looking at the ground as she hung her head in shame. “I’m sorry, Rob.”

“Where is it? What, I mean who—” I paused unable to find the right words. After a few moments of silence I settled on, “Tell me.”

“I found out I was pregnant when they released me from jail. I was already a few months along, but as soon as I knew I did right by the baby. I quit drinking, smoking, and just plain old being dumb.” She stopped to wipe the tears from her face. “I can’t do this.”

“You can, and you will,” I demanded. “I have a right to know.”

“My parents were already sending me to live with my aunt, so it worked out well for them in that respect. They didn’t have to deal with another of my ‘mistakes.’ I thought about calling you, but I could never get the strength to go through with it. I wouldn’t have known where to begin. But you need to know that not a day went by where I didn’t think of you during those six months. As my belly grew, so did my love for that baby—our baby.” She sniffed back some tears before continuing. “My aunt helped me get everything ready for the baby’s arrival, and I want you to know that it was never my intent to resort to adoption, but neither of us could have prepared for what happened.”

“I was so nervous when my water broke, but luckily I had my aunt there for support. She held my hand and encouraged me through every push and scream. He came out crying, healthy, and making all sorts of noise. I was overjoyed. The doctors placed him on my chest while they took care of me and it only took me one look to know.”

Without a doubt, I knew what she was going to say next. Why else would she have a sudden change of heart about having a baby? “Down Syndrome,” I muttered. It made sense, while we were dating we’d talked about the possibility of this if we had kids together someday, but neither of us had dreamed that it would actually happen.

She nodded. “I didn’t know what to do, Rob. I’m sorry. I freaked out.”

“You gave him up, didn’t you?”

Hanging her head in shame, she continued. “I should have found you. You wouldn’t have been scared. You would have known what to do.”

It was true. I would have. I had been there through it all with my sister—helping my parents with her therapies, taking part in her joys and her struggles. I wouldn’t have been scared. I would have known what to do.

“Where is he?” I asked.

“I don’t know. The adoption wasn’t open.”

I put my head in my hands and mourned the loss of my son. The son I’d never get to meet, or play “catch” with. A part of me, ripped away from me without so much as a chance. And I felt like there was a distinct possibility it was happening all over again.

“I’m scared, Rob.”

I popped my head up, determined to make things right. So I reached across the table and took her hands into mine. “Then don’t make the same mistakes again. Let me be there for you this time.”

“But what about—”

“No buts this time, Jenny. We’ll figure it out. Make it work for us however we have to. But please, I’m begging you, don’t shut me out again.”

After everything we’d been through together, there was no doubt we had baggage, and lots of it, but deep down I knew that we needed each other. Somehow or another, Jenny needed me and I needed her. Mostly I couldn’t miss out on the second chance that was right in front of me. It was an opportunity to make things right, and I wasn’t about to let that slip through my fingers.

“That’s not all,” she sighed. As hit after hit kept coming, making me feel like I didn’t know which way was up, I felt my determination melting away. Jenny Jenkins never made anything easy. That was the thing that had attracted me to her in the first place.

“The wedding is tonight.”

The air left my lungs as though I had been punched in the gut. Rage coursed through my veins, and all rational thoughts left my brain. Unable to see past her idiocy, I saw red.

“Why are you even here!?” I screamed as I jumped from my chair, knocking it to the ground with a loud bang. Jenny flinched and cowered away from me. I pointed towards the door. “Go on. Go get married to the scumbag! I bet you don’t make it through the first year without him fuckin’ the maid!”

Jenny started sobbing again and I immediately feel guilty. It was one thing to be angry, but to make a pregnant woman cry? Perhaps I wasn’t so different from Bradley after all. After all, I’d strung Layla along while playing out my feelings for Jenny. When you looked at it that way, I was just as much a dirtbag as he was.

“I wanted you to know. For things to be different this time. I want you in my life—
our
lives.”

As much as it pained me to be that person, I couldn’t take any more. Everything Jenny had ever done was for herself. There was no point in trying to convince me otherwise. Experience taught a hard lesson. She was stringing me along again, attempting to prove that she was still the alpha after all these years. That she could still control me. But I refused to lie down without a fight this time.

“Don’t try to make it sound like you were doing me a favor. No. You want to have it all but you can’t, Jenny. I won’t let you. Now get the fuck out of my apartment!”

She stood from her chair and solemnly made her way to the door. When her hand reached the knob she stopped and looked over her shoulder at me. “I’m sorry things got so bad between us.”

I didn’t respond, choosing instead to watch her slink away, her shoulders slumped in defeat. Once she closed the door behind her I let out the words I had been holding back.

“Me too.”

After she left I sat at that fucking table for what seemed like hours. Completely frozen like a statue, just sitting, wasting away. Eventually I snapped out of my trance and extreme anger washed through my core.