Impostor (15 page)

“What do you want?” As soon as I heard his tone I realized how stupid I’d been. Of course, it wasn’t his real mom. It was Summers, his pretend mom for the mission. “Jesus, Summers, you sound like a nanny.” I couldn’t hear her response, but it must have been something equally insulting because Alec grinned. I wanted to reach out and grab him, just to make sure I wasn’t dreaming, but I wasn’t sure if our kiss gave me the right to keep touching him.

His face tightened at something she said. “Okay. Tell him I’ll be home soon.” He ended the call.

“I never thought Summers was the motherly type,” I said.

“She isn’t, believe me. She’s not happy without someone to boss around and she’s worried I’ll bust our cover if I’m not home like a good schoolboy. And Major showed up a few minutes ago. Apparently, he wants to talk to me.” He looked anxious at the prospect.

I touched his cheek, the stubble prickling my fingertips. “It’ll be okay.” Without thinking I leaned over and kissed him on the lips. For one heart-stopping moment I thought he’d pull away, but then his arms came around me.

“We need to get you back home,” Alec said after a moment. “Can you shift?”

I tried to relax against the seat and closed my eyes, acutely aware of Alec’s gaze on me. I reached for my Variation, tried to coax it.

Nothing.

“You can do it.” Alec’s voice was calm and full of confidence, and suddenly I felt it too. Calm and confident. It was like his words had crept into me and washed away all the doubt and worry.

The rippling started in my toes and snaked up my body and after a few seconds it was over.

“And?” I asked.

He smiled. “You did it.”

I couldn’t resist. I leaned over and kissed him again. I never wanted to stop.

CHAPTER 16

T
he next morning, Devon remained silent during our ride to school. I was exhausted. I hadn’t dared to fall asleep all night, scared I’d change back into my own body again. He looked like he hadn’t slept much either, like something was bothering him.

“Is anything wrong?” I asked. My voice was suddenly loud in the silence of the car and Devon cringed in surprise as if he’d forgotten I was beside him.

“Why do you ask?”

“You look tense,” I said, watching his face for a reaction.

“I didn’t sleep much.” Then, as if a switch had been turned, he gave me the grin that seemed to lighten everything around. “Don’t worry, Maddy.”

We eased into the parking lot, where Ana stood waiting for me. Devon scuttled out of the car before I could ask him anything else. His behavior didn’t really help to stifle my curiosity. Something was definitely wrong. Ana approached us as I climbed out of the car, but Devon was immediately on his way toward the school building. It looked like the devil snapped at his heels.

“What happened? You look suspiciously happy,” Ana said.

My stomach exploded with butterflies as I thought about seeing Alec again.

I shrugged. “I’m just happy, I guess.”

“You guess? Did you have another date with Alec? You didn’t even tell me anything about the last one. What’s going on with you guys? I’m your best friend. I deserve to know!”

“I’ll tell you soon. I promise. I’m kind of distracted at the moment, freaking out over a test later.” That was a lie of course. But maybe I could at least tell her about the kiss. If Alec and I got together, everyone at school would find out anyway. I wondered if he’d already broken up with Kate. Would he tell her about us?

My eyes were drawn toward the teacher parking lot, where Yates was rummaging around in the trunk of his car. “Just a sec,” I said to Ana as I craned my neck to get a better view. There were a few items strewn around the trunk—sneakers, a tennis racket, some books—but my eyes came to rest on a huge bottle of disinfectant. Did he need it to cover up evidence?

I turned around and hurried away. I’d have to talk to Alec about it. Ana fell into step beside me as we made our way into the building and toward our first class. Alec wasn’t in his spot yet but we still had a few minutes until the class started. Mrs. Coleman swept into the room. Her dress, with its giant collar and garish floral pattern, was probably deemed a crime in some countries.

“She’s got some sense of style,” Ana whispered. I let out a laugh that I turned into a cough when Mrs. Coleman’s angry eyes settled on me. My thoughts returned to Yates. The evidence against him felt overwhelming. He’d had an affair with Madison, he’d been at the lake near the time of the attack, and he seemingly had the most to gain from her disappearance. It was almost too easy. I had to figure out why he’d kill the others.

The bell rang just as Alec entered the classroom. I sat up straighter, trying to catch his eyes. He took his seat without a single glance in my direction.

I looked over my shoulder at him, while Mrs. Coleman began scribbling on the blackboard. He busied himself shuffling his schoolbooks and notepad but eventually he had no choice but to meet my eyes.

Whatever had been between us yesterday was over and forgotten. His face was as unmoving as a statue, his eyes hard and emotionless. My lower lip started to quiver. The look on his face softened. It looked filled with regret, mixed with something like guilt and sympathy. I wanted to be on the receiving end of none of them.

I listened to Mrs. Coleman, feigned interest, nodded when it was appropriate, laughed when it was expected, and took notes. But inside, I felt hollow. The moment class ended, I sprang out of my seat, swung my backpack over my shoulder, and hurried out of the room. Maybe I should have waited for Ana, but I couldn’t risk meeting Alec when I knew his words would crush me.

A rippling started in my toes and panic washed over me. Not here. Not now.

I dropped my backpack—it hit the ground with a thud, but I couldn’t be bothered to care. I began sprinting, my feet barely touching the ground as I pumped my legs. The corridors grew crowded as people streamed out of their classrooms. Some of them stopped to stare. I bumped into them, pushed them out of the way, ignoring their curses.

The undulating reached my calves. I heard someone call my name.

I burst through the front door of the school. Finally outside, I picked up speed until my sides burned and my lungs constricted. Rippling snaked its way into my thighs, through my upper body.

Soon I’d be back in my own body. In the middle of the school courtyard. Within plain view of anyone who cared to look outside.

The rippling turned into a quivering that nearly sent me flying to the ground. In the last moment I caught my fall against a tree. Leaning my forehead against the rough bark, I took deep breaths, trying to regain control of my body. My fingers clutched at the tree. Its rough edges bit into my skin, cutting, burning. The rippling stopped somewhere around my chest and slowly ebbed away. My breathing calmed. I loosened my hold on the tree and stood up straight.

Steps crunched on the rough asphalt. Not Ana’s heels. Long, certain strides. He was close. I could feel his presence right behind me like a shadow.

I braced myself for the words that would inevitably come.

“We need to talk,” Alec said, in a quiet voice. “I don’t know what came over me yesterday. I’m sorry.”

He knew better than to touch me but he was so close I could smell his aftershave.

“You’re sorry?” I whispered. The words came out shaky. Not because I was going to cry. For once, I was past that point. This time I was shaking from anger. Anger at him for toying with me, for ignoring months of tension, then kissing me and acting like it meant nothing. Anger at Major for forcing us to work together, though he knew something was brewing between us. But most of all, I was angry at myself for being so stupid and so weak.

I whirled around to face him. “So what, you just change your mind from one day to the next and I’m supposed to accept it just like that?” I snapped my fingers. How could he do this to me? He’d said he’d wanted to kiss me for so long. He’d said nobody understood him like I did. Had he been lying?

“I—” He shook his head. “I lost control and that can’t happen again. I talked to Major—”

“You told Major?!” I’d thought what happened was something sacred between him and me, something special.

“No, he already knew. It wasn’t that hard to guess with me gone in the middle of the night and all. Anyway, it doesn’t matter.” He took a deep breath. “You have to forget what happened yesterday. It’ll only endanger the mission.” His tone was so controlled, so completely unemotional that I wondered if this didn’t mean anything at all to him. How could he switch his emotions on and off like that when I felt like I’d lost control altogether? “It shouldn’t have happened. It was a mistake.”

You’re a mistake
. That’s what he meant. After everything we’d been through, I’d thought that he of all people wouldn’t hurt me like this.

“Yes,” I said harshly. “You’re right. It was a mistake.” Refusing to look at him, I breezed past him, but he reached out and touched my shoulder. I jerked back. “Don’t touch me ever again.” I wanted to hate him, but even now the look in his eyes stirred something inside me.

He lowered his arm. “I’m very sorry.” Before I was out of earshot I heard words I was sure weren’t meant for me to hear. “For more than you’ll ever know.”

Inside, the corridors had cleared. The next class was about to begin and I was still shaking with emotions. I had no clue where to find my backpack. It wasn’t where I’d dropped it.

I walked to my locker, trying to stop my throat from constricting. I was
not
going to cry. Not here, not now, and certainly not because of
him
. He didn’t deserve my tears.

I opened my locker and leaned my head against the door.

“I picked up your stuff.”

The voice was familiar. I jerked my head up, not caring how upset I looked. Phil Faulkner stood in front of me, holding my backpack. Had he been following me? Had he been watching Alec and me? I took it from him with a curt “thanks.” I knew I should have said more but making small talk was the last thing I was in the mood for.

“What happened?” His eyes—that creepy watery blue—were too inquiring, his expression too sympathetic. Something wasn’t right with him. He was always watching me, always hovering nearby. His hand twitched toward my own but then he let his arm drop to his side. I tried to take a step back but bumped against the wall. I brushed past him, careful not to touch him. “I really need to get to class, but thanks again.”

CHAPTER 17

T
hat night, I busied myself with online research, though I didn’t expect to find anything. Other, more experienced agents had perused the case files ad nauseam and surely would have noticed if something was off, but I needed to distract myself from the hollow sensation in my belly.

The FEA database contained some seriously disgusting and creepy photos from the crime scenes, shots so disturbing it was clear why I hadn’t been given them before.

One was a headshot of the janitor, Mr. Chen, who’d been killed in the backyard of his house. The photo was blurry, but it looked as though blood trickled from his ears and nose, and his eyes were wide and bulgy. His expression—pained and tired—made me think that he’d struggled a long time before death. The killer hadn’t used a wire to strangle him and the FEA hadn’t yet figured out how exactly he’d done it.

The ping of an incoming e-mail interrupted my search. I clicked on the little envelope from Holly, which was likely a response to the rambling e-mail I’d sent her about Alec.

Hi sweetie,

I’m so, so sorry. I can’t BELIEVE that happened. I want to wring his neck.

Why the hell can’t Alec pull his head out of his ass and finally realize that you’re perfect for each other? Though now he doesn’t deserve you after all the shit he’s put you through. I just don’t get it. He’s never been an insensitive asshole before. Maybe Kate brainwashed him during their mission a few months ago. That would explain why he endures her bitchiness. I wish I was there to distract you.

Hugs,

Holly

P.S. I dyed my hair fury-red in your honor.

I closed the e-mail and blew my nose before I returned to the crime database. Two of the victims—Madison and Kristen—had been found close to the lake. There were pictures of the
A
’s the killer had cut into the skin of his victims. They all looked exactly like the one on Madison’s rib cage. I touched the spot under my bra.

There
had
to be something else here, some detail the killer forgot to cover. I searched Google for more mentions of the murders and found a few articles on the website of a local rag.

The first was about Mr. Chen.

“Mr. Mendoza was on his nightly jog when dense fog forced him to take a shortcut past the victim’s backyard . . .”

Dense fog? There had been fog the first night I’d seen the stranger watching my window and then again when I’d followed him into the forest. And fog had kept Alec from catching the guy. And hadn’t Yates said it had been a hazy day when Madison was attacked?

I clicked on an article about Kristen Cynch and glanced through it until I found what I was looking for.

“The retrieval of the body of high school senior Kristen Cynch (17) was complicated by mist that blanketed parts of the northern shore.”

My hand shook when I opened the next report about Dr. Hansen.

“The neighbors didn’t find the body until early the next morning, after the fog had lifted.”

The articles about Madison also mentioned fog. Livingston was notoriously rainy, but it couldn’t be a coincidence that every murder was accompanied by a curiously thick mist.

Fog.
That had to be the hint we’d been searching for. What if the killer was a Variant who could control the weather in some way? I jumped up from my desk chair and turned out the lights before I slipped out the window, almost breaking my neck when I lost my grip on the ledge. I was already running late for the meeting. Summers wouldn’t excuse tardiness—not even a broken bone would change that.

My ballet flats were noiseless on the wet asphalt as I weaved my way through Livingston. I turned a corner and stopped dead when fog spread before me. Milky, intangible fingers of haze dusted against me, making me shiver. Mist coiled around my legs and arms, snatching at my skin and hair. It felt like a living, breathing thing. Like something more than nature.

I shied away. A chill wound its way around my ankle like tentacles, cold and slithery.
It
didn’t want me to go. I whimpered but the fog swallowed the noise. Nobody would hear me if I screamed. I steeled myself and kicked out. My feet went right through the veil of mist but the grip around my ankles disappeared. I sprinted into the haze, not breathing, not pausing, not once glancing over my shoulder to see if someone—or something—was following me. Icy wetness slithered across every inch of exposed skin, seeping into my pores. It took hold of me, made me feel cold inside and out.

Shaking, I stepped onto the porch of Summers and Alec’s home, and as I turned to look back in the direction I’d come, the streets were clear.
It
was gone.

I unlocked the front door with trembling hands. I was a few minutes late for our meeting but I couldn’t bring myself to care. Not after what had just happened. Voices were coming from the living room. I slipped out of my shoes—something Summers was very adamant about—before I followed the sound. Major, Summers, and Alec were seated around the dining room table. So Major was back in town. They stopped talking when they spotted me.

Alec leaped from his chair and rushed toward me, his face alarmed. “What happened?” His hands rested on my shoulders and I didn’t have it in me to shake them off. My body felt numb. I couldn’t even feel my legs anymore. The walls tipped around me and suddenly I was in Alec’s arms.

“You’re freezing,” he said. My head fell forward, my cheek pressed against his chest, and I looked up at him. Though I wanted to speak, no sound left my lips. Another head appeared beside Alec’s. Summers rested her calloused hand on my forehead and I leaned into the touch. They were all so warm.

“Run a hot bath,” Summers ordered and Major obeyed without hesitation. Alec carried me into the bathroom. When he began to lower me onto the edge of the bathtub, I clutched at him, a choked sound of protest shuddering from my mouth.

“Don’t leave.”

Alec met my gaze. He looked like someone had stabbed him and was twisting the blade. My fingers curled around his collar. “I need you,” I whispered, the words as wispy as mist.

Summers pried me away from him. I’d nearly forgotten she was there. She panted with the effort of supporting my body. Alec had carried me as though I weighed nothing.

“Alec.” Major’s voice thrummed in my head. Turning his eyes away, Alec slowly left the bathroom, shutting the door after him.

Summers set me down on the toilet seat. Like a puppet without its master, I slumped down into a heap. Summers didn’t speak as she held me upright and removed my clothes. Slowly, she lowered me into the tub, where the running water scorched my skin. She sat down on the edge. I sank farther down into the water, trying to cross my arms over my chest. It took me three attempts before I succeeded.

Summers crossed her legs, the leather of her pants squeaking as it rubbed together. Her face was tense. “This meeting was intended to get you and Alec back on track, to stop your personal problems with each other from getting in the way of this mission.” I ignored her words, instead watching the way my skin turned lobster-red from the scalding hot water. I didn’t think she expected me to talk and I wasn’t sure if I could.

“We knew this mission would be difficult for you in many ways. We knew making you part of a family was going to be uncomfortable, but it was a risk we had to take.” I wasn’t exactly sure where this was going. My thoughts were still fuzzy and I needed to tell them about my discovery. “I need you to listen to me. Later, when we join Major and Alec, you can tell us what happened. But I want to say this now. I probably won’t get another chance to talk to you alone any time soon.”

The feeling slowly returned to my legs and they began to prickle.

“I’ve seen the way you look at Alec.”

I closed my eyes as if that could stop her from saying more.

“It’s not good to want something or someone you can’t have. It’s self-destructive, and believe me, I know what I’m talking about.” I saw hurt beneath the hard lines of her square jaw. If she really knew how I felt, then she also knew that I couldn’t switch my emotions off. Summers sighed. “You know, you’re still in Madison’s body, have you even noticed?”

I hadn’t. The rippling started in my toes and traveled up my body. It took a full minute to shape-shift back to my own body. I was still weak.

I slumped against the tub. The rippling sensation washed over me again—this time without my volition. Twisting, warping, stretching. Water sloshed over the edge and Summers let out a startled gasp. I didn’t have to look into the mirror to know I’d changed back to Madison.

What the hell was happening? First I couldn’t change into Madison and now I couldn’t return to my own body. But the worst thing was the way I didn’t even mind. Madison had allowed me to live a life I had only dreamed about: a life with a family who loved her.

Summers handed me a towel, her expression blank. “You’re losing yourself in Madison. You have to accept that her life can never be yours. It’s important that you don’t forget that. Everyone wants to be someone else sometimes, but it’s crucial to be able to move on.”

A few minutes later, we returned to the living room. I was still in Madison’s body, dressed in clothes Summers had given me. Major and Alec stopped talking when we entered.

“You look better,” Major said. “Now tell us what happened.”

I told them about the mist, about the newspaper articles, about my suspicion. The words spewed out of my mouth without pause.

“I need a drink,” Summers said as she got up and went into the kitchen. She returned with something that looked and smelled like tequila, along with a hot chocolate for me. Maybe Summers had more maternal instinct hidden behind her hard shell than I’d given her credit for.

Major and Alec talked quietly about the possible Variations of the killer, how to find him, and how to better protect me. I sipped at the hot chocolate. Apparently, my input wasn’t expected. Summers disappeared into the kitchen again, probably for more tequila.

Eventually, Major turned to me. “Alec will try to keep a closer eye on you. But remember, even if the evidence points toward Yates as the killer, Devon is still very high on our suspect list. You should avoid being alone in the house with him.”

That wasn’t as easy as it sounded, but I didn’t try to argue with them. It would have been futile to try. I just wanted to get into my bed and forget that today had ever happened. I wanted to see Devon’s dimples, to hear Linda’s laughter, to listen to Ronald’s stories. Sometimes it felt like I wanted their company more than anything else.

“Alec reported that there’s a party the day after tomorrow,” Major said. I nodded. Ana had mentioned Francesca’s party in passing but I’d had so much to deal with that I hadn’t paid much attention. “I want you and Alec to keep an eye on things. You should attend as a couple. That way you can easily talk and leave together without drawing attention.”

Wasn’t that a little hypocritical?

“That’s it for today. Keep us updated on any further developments. You’re doing a fine job,” Major said. That was the most praise I’d ever heard from him.

“I’ll take you home.” Alec rose from his chair.

“No,” I immediately protested.

Summers took her car keys from a side table. “I’ll take her.”

Without another glance at Alec, I followed Summers out the door and to the car. She didn’t try to talk to me during the ride and dropped me off a few houses down from home. I snuck back into the house without a hitch.

• • •

The next day, Summers’s words still ghosted around in my head. Even if they weren’t at the forefront of my thoughts, they crouched at the edges of my consciousness, waiting to catch me by surprise.

You’re losing yourself in Madison.

But why not? Madison was dead. She would never come back. Maybe I could spare Linda and Ronald the heartbreak of finding out about her death. I could stop being Tessa and just be Madison. Her body already felt like home, her family like the one I’d always wanted.

Could I live the lie for years and decades?

But one troubling thought haunted me. It wasn’t me they loved, it was Madison.

It’s important that you don’t forget.

There were so many things I wanted to forget, to wipe from my memory once and for all. Like the day my mother’s third husband came home drunk and locked me in the closet, forcing me to listen to him beating the crap out of my mother. Or the day my mother said she wished I’d never been born.

I picked up the small hand mirror from its place on the nightstand. Madison’s face stared back at me. It wasn’t the face I was born with, and yet it felt so familiar, almost like my own. My skin rippled, my features warping, twisting, shifting, breaking until it was my own face in the mirror, my own turquoise eyes, always slightly south of normal. I should have felt relief at being myself for a moment, should have felt a sense of coming home, but I didn’t. I felt nothing.

The rippling started again. My face transformed into Madison’s and back to my own—then back to Madison’s and back to my own. A blur of blond and brown, of freckles and scars, of blue and turquoise. I was starting to feel dizzy but I couldn’t stop.

If being someone else on the outside came easily to me, why couldn’t it work the same way with who I was on the inside? Why couldn’t I simply decide to
feel
like someone else?

The two faces swam before my eyes until I saw a strange combination of the two in the mirror. Despair squeezed the air from my lungs, made me lightheaded. My grip on the handle tightened, grew painful. With a cry, I flung the mirror away. It collided with the dresser and clattered to the floor, the shards littering the ground.

I crossed the room, and as I stood over the remains of the mirror, my face—Tessa’s face—was splintered into dozens of pieces. For once, a mirror reflected how I felt inside, how I
looked
inside. Fragmented, broken, torn.

Shaking, I sank to the ground and started picking up the pieces of glass. I wasn’t careful enough, and one of the shards cut into the skin on my right palm, creating a tiny crimson river of blood. Someone knocked at the door. I stood, my legs still shaky, and let the rippling bring Madison’s body back. Just as I’d completed the shift, the door opened and Devon poked his head in. His eyebrows pulled down in a frown but when he saw my hands, now bloody from the glass, concern took over. He crossed the room and stood before me, cradling my hands in his.