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“He’s not wort
h remembering,” Hayden growled,
bitterness creeping into his voice. “He left, remember? You’d be better off without those memories.”
Sean shrugged, but didn’t say anything else on the matter. It always made Hayden angry to talk about their father. He leant back into his pillows and relaxed, sighing. “Are you okay?” Hayden asked.

“Yes, I’m fine,” Sean replied, even though he’d used that phrase to lie to himself so many times now it no longer held any meaning. “Everything’s fine.
”

He was alive again. Ali and Hayden both knew the truth and
had
accepted it. He could go back to being ordinary. Who knew, he mused, maybe one day he would stop
feeling so hollow and everything really would be fine.

Chapter 17

:
Why does it always seem to rain on us?

Sean was eleven
years old
again, and it was raining. They were standing on a street curb, the joint be
tween the pavement
and the road. T
he olde
r boy beside him
was running a hand through his damp ha
ir and frowning but his eyes, a unique shade of brown that bordered on
burgundy, were thoughtful. “So
wha
t do you want to do?” he
asked.

“I don’t know, something interesting,” Sean snapped.

“Y
eah, that narrows it down a lot.” T
he older boy sighed, then muttered to himself: “I’m so not cut out for this sort of thing. Hell, I can’t even keep a goldfish alive for a day let alone a mood swing prone child.”

“What was that you just said?” Sean had heard the whole thing, of course, but wisely chose not to comment on it.
It wouldn’t do to scare away yet another ‘babysitter’. And he actually quite liked this one. Drew. That was his name. Sean didn’t know how he knew this, had he even introduced himself yet?

“Err, nothing. So do you want to like, eat or something?”

“No.”

“Right, I’ll get you some c
offee then?”

“I’m not
a dog that you can just feed
and leave to its own devices, you know.”

Th
ey ended up in Starbucks either way
– Sean’s choice. Drew didn’t seem happy about the inflated prices but grudgingly bought two coffees and secured a table near the window. “They’ll probably kick us out eventually for get
ting their seats wet,” Sean
muttered
.
Neither of them said anything else for a while, simply drank their coffees and watched the world outside dissolve into a hundred raindrops splattered across meticulously-cleaned glass.

“So, erm, what sort of weather do you like?” Drew asked.

“Are you serious?”

“I just thought we could get to know each other a little better, you know, and bond or something.”

“You want to bond? Over the weather?”

“This conversation sounded a whole lot le
ss stupid in my head
.”

“You’re creepy.”

Unfortunately Drew seemed adamant to continue the extremely awkward conversation. “So, are you a cat person or a dog person?”

“Neither. I hate animals.”

“Right, that’s cheerful.
How about football? M
ost kids seem to love that game.
”

“I’m not a kid, don’t patronise me.”

“Yes you are-
” Slurp. Sean poured the remainder of his coffee into Drew’s unruly hair. The other boy squawked in surprise, attracting the attention of the majority of the room, and the two were promptly kicked out back into the rain where they started from.

Drew wasn’t really angry, something Sean couldn’t understand. He was a little pissed, yes, but so would anyone if they had just had coffee poured over them. Sean was disappointed by the lack of an angry outburst, but Drew remained optimistic despite the weather and led him to the local park. His reasoning was that they were already soaking, so staying out in the rain wouldn’t matter. And, as if just to
spite Sean, they went to a children’s playground. On second thoughts, Sean was pretty sure it was deliberately just to spite him. He’d been planning on th
rowing a tantrum, ranting loudly
and storming off on his own, but Drew stopped him with a roll of his eyes.

“Just shut up and enjoy it, okay?” he said. “Maybe you don’t like being a kid, but I would swap places with you any day.”

He went and sat down on one of the swin
gs and pushed off, flicking his
legs up and aiming higher each time. Sean watched for a little while, and then hesitantly joined him on the swing beside his, doing the same. Soon the two fell into a rhythm and the pounding clatter of the rain on the tarmac dimmed a little. Drew bravely flung himself off the seat at the swing’s highest point and parachuted through the air with a gleeful yell, landing crouched. Sean quickly followed and couldn’t help but grin at the feeling. He felt free. The park was empt
y; it was just him and Drew and there was
no one else to watch
with careful eyes or
complain that they were being childish.

They both lay down on the tarmac, breathing heavily and staring up at the morose grey sky silently for a long time. “I like t
he rain,” Sean finally said quietly
. “You asked me what sort of weather I like, so there’s the answer. I like the rain the best.”

Drew
turned to give him a wry smile
. “Me too.”

Sean smiled, shaking his head at the
strange memory.
“The rain, huh?” he muttered to himself, knowing no one would hear.  “Well, you always were a bit depressing. Not that I can talk.” His
shook his head ruefully
at the irony of it all.  Two weeks ago they had been discussing
how Drew was going to give him
a proper funeral after he faded out, and now here he was, standing at Drew’
s grave and reminiscing in that same damn rain that seemed to follow the two of them everywhere.

He had been released that day from the hospital, on the condition that he ‘took it easy’ and ‘rested as much as possible’. Heh. Stupid doctors should have known better.
They’d told him that something had triggered the return of his memories as well, and that they would come back slowly one at time. The worst part was that
his mother had put him on ‘
suicide watch
’, but it wasn’t like she
could really stop him from going anywhere he wanted. He’d learnt well how to sneak out without attracting attention. Hayden had actually been the one who suggested that he come here, telling him which bus to get and where in the graveyard he would find Drew’s grave. He’d offered to come as well, but Sean refused. He didn’t trust himself not to break.

The gravestone was made out of marble. Most people didn’t get buried, they were just cremated, but Drew’
s parents must have
requested it. He’d died a hero. He deserved it.
Sean briefly remembered him saying that people who wer
e cremated didn’t become I
mprints, followed by some explanation he’d never understand.
It didn’t matter anymore. T
he stupid inscription on the gravestone was probably carved there by some ignorant fool who had never even known Drew. It had the dates, the name, and then the typical pleasantries that people wrote to rememb
er the dead – ‘dearly missed son’ etc. The words
seemed to be mo
cking him. They were dead words;
they didn’t describe Drew at all.
Drew was fiery, cynical, sarcast
ic, aggravating, temperamental,
selfish and at the same time so selfless that it was painful.

Someone had left flowers on the grave. They were pink and yellow, too cheerful to fit in with the dismal scenery. They were also fresh, and Sean wondered if Ali had left them there. He briefly wondered if he should have brought flowers as well, but the thought was quickly squashed. He knew Drew wouldn’t have appreciated it. “Why would I want flowers? They’re pathetic things that die even quicker tha
n humans,
” he’d probably say. Death had made him such a cynic.
Still, Sean had brought something else instead for the grave. He pulled out a small package from his pocket containing a pair of blue contact lenses – they were really the only evidence left of Drew now. Sean would keep the spare pair as a souvenir of sorts, and he would give this pair back. He placed them next to the flowers.

There was something else in his pocket he’d almost forgotten about though. He pulled out the envelope and ran his fingers around the edges, apprehensive. It was his very last link to Drew, and he felt like once he had finished reading it he’d have nothing left of him. That’s why he had been saving it, for when he really needed it. He could just imagine Drew staying up late one night before he came back and penning the letter carefully with a smirk on his face, all the while knowing he only had a few days left. He ripped the envelope open, unfolded the letter, and began to read the surprisingly neat handwriting.

Dear Sean,

It’s 11.23 pm right now, and I’m hoping you’ll come back late tonight so I’ll have more time to write this letter. If you’re reading this, then everything I planned from the very beginning must have worked out. You must be back in your body, and I’m probably already gone. I hope I had the chance to explain the majority of it to you in person, but I had to write this letter because, well, you know I’m not the most sensitive person and some things are just easier to write down than say to your face. See? I’m a coward really.

I’ll start with the easier things first; that I’m sorry I never told you the truth in the beginning, I’m sorry I’
ve probably made your life miserable these past months, I’m sorry I always make you angry. It’s true you’re a s
poilt brat, but
on the inside you’re not as big of an idiot as I originally thought.
That’s as close to a compliment as you’re going to get.

I don’t really know how you’re handling the whole I-died-saving-your-life thing, but I hope you’re not feeling too guilty. You’d better not go suicidal or anything, or else I’m sure Ali will hurt you in my place. I could probably say it a thousand times more and it wouldn’t make a difference, but I want you to know that I don’t blame you and nor do I regret anything. We all die at some point no matter what we do, and think of it as a good thing that I got to die as a hero instead of some miserable old man in a smelly hospital bed.

Right, I’m running out of waffle to write about now, so I guess I should just get on with it and tell you the real reason I wrote this letter. You see, there is one more thing that I kept secret from you. I never actually planned all of this on my own. Sure, most of it was my idea, but I wasn’t knowledgeable enough to perform the soul swap
without Brian’s help. Well, his name’s not really Brian. That was just a cover up so you wouldn’
t figure out his
identity, but I’ll make it easier for you. His real name is Jacob Lane; your father.

Penny isn’t
related
to him by blood
. You’re probably angry that he didn’t tell you
and I don’t blame you if you are, but I know he’s a good person.
He helped me cope after I died, and he’s proba
bly one of the reasons why I managed to stay mostly sane
. He agreed with my plan to swap places with you, and I think he wanted to use the chance to get to know you as well. It was probably hard for him, watching you all that time and knowing that you didn’
t even remember
who he was. I tried to convince him to tell you the truth
while he had the chance
, but he refused. M
aybe he thought you’d be happier not knowing. Maybe he was just scared of getting too close knowing that he only had a short time with you. I don’t know his reasons, but he asked me not to tell you either. I have anyway because I think you
have a right to know
.

I don’t know why he left your family, so I’m sorry I can’t fill in all the blanks. I tried talking to
him about it but he never would explain
.
Maybe you already know more than I do about that.
H
e
does love
you, though, and
he
cares a lot about you. I k
now you can’t remember him, but he’s always been there, watching over you.
Unfortunately he, and Penny, will probably be gone by the time you read this. The only reason the three of us stayed as long as we did was to put you on the right track
so that you could live the life that we couldn’t
.
Now that everything’s done, we’ll just move on I guess. I don’t know where to, or if there even is anything after the afterlife, but
I like to think that we don’t live and die for nothing.

Your time will come too, one day.
I guess you know now that death isn’t something to fear though, and it’s really not all it’s cracked up to be. I know it’s hard but try your best to be happy while you can.
Keep moving forwards.
That’s all we can do really, isn’t it?
Don’t you dare let my death be in vain.
Who knows, maybe it will all pay off in the end.
I think that’s about all I have to
say, and you’re going to come
back soon so I should end this letter.