Impulse Control (19 page)

“It was either that or give him a swirly, Susie. Are you complaining?”

Silently, she shook her head and handed Billy the buttered bread. “Did the cameraman follow you?” A vision of his beautiful tattooed back filled her mind’s eye. She would love to watch a half-naked Russ change a diaper.

“Of course.” His smile disappeared. “I wouldn’t miss a chance to help your ratings.”

Her heart snapped tight again, and she stifled a gasp with a piece of bread. She chewed slowly. Ratings? Yes, she cared about her ratings, but she’d also come to care about the man sitting across the table from her. The question was: did he care about her? Or was his recent behavior just another example of the Wild Man rising to the challenge? There was only one way to find out.

She signaled their waitress. “Could you please ask a valet to run out to the car and grab my diaper bag? Silly me. I don’t know what I was thinking, leaving it in the car. I’ve got all kinds of things in there to keep Billy occupied. Russ, do you have the ticket?”

He worked the claim ticket out of his pocket. “Changing the game, Susie?”

She winked. “Try to keep up, Wild Man.”

Chapter Fifteen

Russ put the car in park and looked over at Susannah, snoring lightly in the seat beside him. In the backseat, nestled in his car seat, Billy was also sound asleep. Dinner had been amazing, and Billy had been so well behaved—after Susannah had produced her bag of tricks—they’d ordered an extra course. It was well after midnight, and they’d both slept the whole way home.

He brushed a lock of hair out of her face. “Wake up, sleepyhead.”

Her eyes blinked open, and her gaze focused on him. A sweet smile curved her mouth, and he couldn’t resist; he leaned to kiss her. Her lips were warm, her breath scented with wine. The thought of crawling into bed with her, wrapping an arm around her hips and cradling her softness all night held so much appeal, he groaned. He’d have to leave before dawn to make his flight, but he wanted to stay. Could he take a later flight, maybe let her sleep in while he got up with Billy again? His heart swelled at the thought even as he rejected it. He’d already be cutting his meetings close if he stayed. “One more night, Susannah?”

“Yes, please.” She unfastened her seat belt. Under her sleepy yet watchful eyes, he unbuckled Billy, carried him through the front door, and upstairs to the nursery. He eased the boy into the crib. When she handed him a small fuzzy blanket, and he carefully settled it over him, an unfamiliar emotion flooded his chest. He didn’t know what it was, but it made his neck prickle. He ignored it. There was no threat here. Just a small child and a beautiful woman.

Susannah took his hand and led him from the room. When they reached her bedroom, she closed the door behind them, flicked on the baby monitor, and melted into his arms. “I had a wonderful time tonight,” she murmured against his lips.

He fit their bodies together. “Me, too, despite the cameras.” It still rankled a little that she’d ambushed him for ratings.

He expected an
all’s fair in love and television
response from her, but she surprised him by frowning. “I’m sorry—I shouldn’t have done that. I thought you’d run for the hills if Billy misbehaved, but I should have known better. You’re a natural with kids. Some people don’t need experience, they just know what to do, and you’re one of them.”

He lifted his head. “You wanted me to run for the hills?”

“Not anymore.”

The prickle on the back of his neck intensified. “Why did you send for the diaper bag? I assumed you’d keep throwing me baby-related curveballs to keep your viewers entertained, but you had everything except a nanny in that bag. Dinner was a cakewalk after that.”

She stroked his cheek. “After you changed his diaper, I realized I didn’t care about my ratings anymore. I just wanted to enjoy your company. Are you coming back to New York soon?” Her dark eyes glowed. “I’ve missed eating in restaurants, and it’s a lot easier with two people.”

She wanted to see him again? Longing crushed the air out of his lungs. He wanted to tell her he’d be back on Wednesday morning. That he was free all weekend. For anything. Everything. But he couldn’t—it just wasn’t possible. After this trip to DC, he wasn’t tied down to the family charity anymore. He might not be home for weeks—or months—and it wasn’t fair to lead her on any more than he already had. “Susannah—I’m not sure I’m coming back to New York anytime soon.”

Her gasp sounded loud in the quiet house. He felt like an ass for putting that wounded expression on her face, and he hated even more that she covered it so quickly, reminding him he wasn’t the first person to hurt her. Better to hurt her now than let this go any further. It was worse for the people left behind. “I’m out of the country more often than I’m in it. I thought you understood this was for
At Home in the Wild
.”

She pushed out of his embrace. “Bullshit—there weren’t any cameras on us this morning…or this afternoon. And you didn’t know I called in a camera crew in for our ‘date’ tonight.” Her piercing gaze stripped him to the bone. “You know it won’t change anything, right? Your heart will still be broken. You can’t bring him back, Russ. Nothing you do is going to bring your brother back.”

A nest of scorpions landed on his neck and began to sting. “I’m not trying to bring him back. I’m keeping my promise. I told Lance I’d keep—”

“Living for him?” she broke in. “Because it seems to me like you’re trying to die for him. Living would mean enjoying the things life has to offer—like family, friends…and” —she swallowed hard— “and love—instead of running from anything and everything that might make you happy.”

“I’m not running.” But it was goddamn hard not to back toward the door.

Her mocking gaze told him she knew exactly how badly he wanted to retreat. As he looked into her eyes, he was forced to acknowledge an equally strong desire. For the first time since Lance died, he wanted all of those things.
Family. Friends. Love.

And that scared the hell out of him.

He had to get out of here before he gave in to the urge to hold her one more time. If he touched her again, he wasn’t sure how he’d find the strength to leave.

The doorbell rang.

A wave of cold shame swept through him because he’d been so close to reaching for her.
Saved by the bell.
“Are you expecting a midnight visitor?”

She slipped past him. “I think I know who it is. I’ll be right back.”

“You’re not answering the door alone.” Hopefully, it was someone innocuous, like a neighbor needing a cup of sugar for a midnight baking binge, and he could make his escape. He followed her, reaching the bottom of the stairs as she glanced out the window and then opened the front door.

A huge tank of a man with buzzed blond hair walked in like he owned the place. Susannah’s deep breath was audible. “Russ, this is my ex-husband, Ethan Stone. Ethan, this is—”

“I know who he is.”

Russ stood, conscious of his loosened tie and the late hour, hoping he was going to have a fight on his hands. He wasn’t going anywhere. Not yet. He’d love to take a crack at the bastard who’d given Susannah a complex in bed, cheated on her, and then had the nerve to harass her in the middle of the night. Russ shifted his stance, edging in front of Susannah.
Bring it on
, he beckoned the guy with his eyes, but Ethan ignored him.

“Can we talk, Susannah? Please? I’m dropping the custody appeal. I’m sorry for being a jerk. I’d appreciate a chance to explain.”

An uppercut to the jaw would send him right back out the door. No explanation necessary. Russ’s hands clenched.

“This isn’t a good time, Ethan.” Susannah took Russ’s hand, working her fingers into his tight fist. Finally, the guy looked at him, a split-second inventory that made Russ feel like he’d been weighed, measured, and dismissed. Russ tensed, tempted to let go of Susannah’s hand and throw that punch, but she gave him a beseeching look.

Instantly, he understood what she wanted from him, but this was the perfect opportunity to prove he wasn’t the man to give it to her. He never should have tried.

Every move he’d made since they’d climbed down off Mount Marion had been a mistake. Rising to the domestic challenges Susannah set before him only made her think he might stick around and be her nine-to-five banker guy and, as much as it pissed him off, Susannah’s ex-husband was right to dismiss him. Although it felt right to stand beside her, to have her reach for him when she needed support, he couldn’t be that guy for her. Guilt spread ice through his veins. He shouldn’t even
want
to be that guy. He’d made a promise to Lance.

He pulled his hand out of her grip. “Actually, you two go right ahead. I’ve got an early flight. I should go.” He searched for his keys in his pocket. “The timing is right for Everest, so…”

“On to the next mountain, huh?” Her voice was colder than the peak of Denali.

It killed him to look away from the challenge in her gaze. “Yeah—that’s right. You know me.” Razor wire tightened around his heart, but he forced the words out. “Good-bye, Susannah. Tell Bergman I’ll be in touch.”

“Bergman? You’re going to keep in touch with Bergman? You had a lot of nerve accusing
me
of focusing on ratings.” She opened the door. “Tell him yourself.”

He felt like he was fighting quicksand as he put one foot in front of the other, but he didn’t allow himself look back until he was buckled in his Jeep. The front door was shut. A light was on in the living room. Ten minutes ago, he’d been the one in that house, and not in the living room, either. Was her ex-husband looking for another chance? Of course he was… Susannah was amazing.

Russ felt circuits blowing, his control slipping. It went against his nature to back down from a challenge, but she deserved a man who would stand by her. If her ex-husband had changed enough to be that man—so be it. A sharp pain in his hand alerted him to the fact he’d gripped his keys so tightly two fingers were bleeding.

Everest.
He didn’t know what had made him mention the mountain to Susannah, but as he started the car, he realized the idea had been in the back of his mind for weeks. The first expedition since the icefall was leaving in April.

The timing couldn’t be better, since they’d finished filming this season’s
Wild Man
shows when he was in Bhutan. His team didn’t need him for editing, and soon, his family wouldn’t need him to raise money for Lance’s charity, either.

It was time to go.

…

Susannah shut the door with deliberate care, hoping if she moved slowly her reeling emotions would settle down, too. She turned on a light in the living room. What had just happened? Too much, too fast? Too soon? Too late? The truth hit so hard, she sank onto the couch.
I did it again.

“Susannah?”

She held up a hand. “Hang on a second. I just realized something, and I need a minute to process.” The past few months cycled through her mind. Once again, she’d turned herself inside out trying to become the perfect woman for a man who didn’t want her. She hadn’t learned a damn thing from her failed marriage. From the minute she’d seen Russ in the elevator she’d wanted him. She’d read his book hoping to impress him, driven herself into exhaustion trying to keep up with him, whipped up a too-fancy campfire dinner thinking he’d be dazzled. She’d played his online games while he was gone, and then made him look good on film when he returned. She’d done a similar thing with Ethan, cooking, cleaning, and decorating their house, trying to make the perfect home for him—a home he’d avoided by working all the time and then eventually leaving altogether.

It wasn’t enough. It was never enough. What on earth did it take to make a relationship work? She stood, walked into the kitchen, and started a pot of coffee. Caffeine would help. She watched it brew, feeling Ethan’s gaze on her back.

She turned to look at him. “Why did our marriage fail? No, seriously. I mean, I know you started sleeping with other women—but why?” His cheeks reddened. She watched his mouth pinch and his gaze harden. She held up her hand. “I don’t want to fight, so if you’re about to raise your voice, don’t do it—Billy is sleeping. Our marriage is over. There’s nothing to be gained by hurting each other any more. You’re here, so you have something you want to say. I’ll listen. You don’t have to yell.”

He blinked and sat down in a chair at the kitchen table. “You’re different.”

She nodded.

“You’ll listen?”

“Did I not listen before?”

He took a deep breath and let it out as a sigh. “I never knew if you were listening or not, but I did know you wouldn’t talk to me.”

She poured coffee for them both and set a mug in front of him, pausing for several beats, waiting for him to acknowledge it. “You didn’t say thank you,” she said after a long minute.

He met her gaze. “You didn’t ask if I wanted coffee.” His voice was even.

“Who doesn’t want coffee?” It had kept her going for years.

Ethan shrugged. “Who doesn’t want a three-course dinner? Or a mixed drink? Or a new couch?”
Or a baby?

He didn’t say it, but it was right there in the way he’d always kept his distance from Billy. “Some people don’t want those things, Susannah. I needed a wife who saw me as a man. I never wanted a damn thing but your attention, which you gave to everything and everyone else—the house, Billy, and that damn job which took up every free moment. Do you know why I tried to make you quit? Why I hated everything you did? I was jealous. It was as simple as that, and when you worked harder and did more—”

“Trying to please you,” she broke in.

“So you said. I know you like to cook and clean, but I don’t buy it. Media Life is calling you the next Martha Stewart, and that woman runs an empire. Be honest—you want an empire, too.”

“We’ve been through this.” And gotten exactly nowhere.

He grinned, disarming her. “But we’ve established you weren’t listening.”

She stared at him. “You’re different, too.”

“Counseling will do that for a guy. You wouldn’t talk to me, and I was ashamed of what I did.”

He said it like it was no big deal, but the idea of her stubborn, my-way-or-the-highway ex-husband in therapy blew her mind. “Wow.”

He crossed his arms. “Yeah—wow. And maybe I want to yell and wake Billy up. I’d like to see him. I miss him.” Ethan’s voice tightened just short of cracking. “People can change, right?”

Her breath caught as understanding crashed through her with the force of a sledgehammer. “But they can’t change each other.”

“No, they can’t,” Ethan agreed. “I’m sorry, Susannah, truly, deeply sorry for breaking your trust. I’m even sorrier for not being the man you needed, but I’d like to be a part of your life. I’m not your husband, but I’ll always be Billy’s father, and I don’t want to be the guy you hate.”

“I don’t hate you.” It was true. She didn’t. Not anymore.

A sudden curiosity made her ask, “What are you doing here so late, by the way? How did you know I was up? Or even home?”

He didn’t meet her gaze.

Her curiosity turned into suspicion, but she let it go. “You know what? Never mind. Water under the bridge.” She’d always suspected he had something going on with the neighbor, but it wasn’t her business anymore. It was time for both of them to move on.