In a Latitude of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 5) (8 page)

“Very well. I shall put the greater importance of the mission, before the instant gratification of honour’s vengeance.”

“Ha, ha! It seems we shall enjoy your company after all. Ha, ha! Let us be on our way, my friends!”

“Hey, y’all, check out that steamer taxi over there. I betcha it would be real interestin’ to ride on that...”

“NO!”

“Shauhtuhp, you little fool! There are eight in our party and we are picking up two more distinguished guests. We shall hire these two coaches right here! Heh,heh, sssssince you insist on accompanying us, then you must join us on a second errand. This has nothing to do with the mission on which you have been summoned and we did not want you to be witness to this location, but under the circumstances that you have forced on us, we have no choice.”

“Oh, Mr. Cogito, would ye’ mind riding with our bloodthaersty hosts in the front wagon?”

~whir, buzz, clink~
“Of course not, Mr. Steele, it will be my pleasure! I have so many questions, for the two Counts!”

“I consider you one of the bloodthaersty fiendies as well, Wrenney. You ride up front, and we’ll follow along.”

“Henh.”

“Golly, there sure is a lot of construction going on around here, y’all.”

“Oh, aye, Icksi mae boy. Bonnie Aires is shaping up tae bae a fine city! Efforts are baeing made at canaling her many creeks tae dries her a wee bit. A whole redo upon the ol’ Spanish gel is planned.”

“Quite so. I see where the surveyors of this modern Buenos Aires have ambitiously laid a tremendous gridwork of boulevards and avenues. I note the striking characteristic of occasional diagonal streets in the Parisian style. This is allowing for a rapid transverse of this city, eh hem?”

“Si, so too, the architecture is of a style that is reminiscent of Paris, but the Spanish language on sign and streets denote our true locale.”

“Gee whiz, these are some mighty fine mansions in this residential neighborhood we have come upon. Each big house has its own vast estate.”

“Aye, Icksi. This estate we pass before now has an especially high, long, and faereboding wall tae it.”

“I say, we are turning in! A double door has been opened to allow our two carriages to rush inside. This must be the place of the mysterious errand we are on.”

“It’s too bad we are visiting here at night, Miss Plumtartt. I suspect that we are missing out on a bunch of botanical delights as we trot down this long driveway.”

“Quite so, Mr. Temperance, and here we are coming to a stop.”

“Please allow me to help you down from the carriage, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am.”

“Thank you, Mr. Temperance. I say, what a magnificent mansion this is!”

“Si, this is a magnificent building you have brought us to, Senor WrenneFeyldde. Three stories high and capped by two metal cupolas on both of the front corners, she is a beautiful example of the art nouveau, as it is called. Her many balconies that surround the varying levels are most pleasing to my sophisticated aesthetic. I think I am especially fond of the ornate iron balustrade that lines the widow’s walk atop the central flat roof.”

“This matter does not concern you, Senor Diego Ignatio Ricardio MontelKahn, nor the rest of you. You will be safer if you all wait here in the carriages. We just need to check on something. This errand will not take long and we will be right back.”

“My word, your concern for our well-being is overwhelming, Count Onyx’Ula, however, I think I speak on behalf of my friends that we prefer to join you. Yes, my word, I say, hear, hear.”

“Ha, ha! Very well, Fraulein Plumtartt! Ha, ha! I count one, two three, four, five, six, seven! Ahhhhh, hahahahaha! My favourite lucky number! Seven is the number of my companions that enter into this sinister dwelling! Ha, ha! But how many will I count when we exit? Maybe not as many? Ha, ha!”

“Aye, is a fauncae treat on mae senses, faer as we walk in we see the loubby roof soaring away tae the deestant ceiling, so far, far aways. A woouden bahnnister sourrounds each floor. Baehold mae friendsies, oourre hostesy is speaking tae the receptionist.”

“Heh,heh, h-hell-o-o-o, Meesus, heh,heh, HuhWheegins, heh, heh, is the Dean, eeen?”

Little lady oblivion dinnae seem tae interested in our  WrenneWrenne. Nae, the lassie is far more interested in her gaudily painted finger nails and the rude smackin’s o’ her roubber tree bae-prouduct. Eventually she deigns tae looks up.

*
s
mack, smack*
“Hunh?”

“Heh,heh, eez, the Dean,
eeen
?”

*smack*
“One moment sir, mmmwoile Oi pwace dat cwall.”
*smack*

The woman stands from baehind ’er desk. With greatte difficulty, both from the uncertainty of baeing ahlooft upon her high heels, and baeing severely counstricted bae the tightness o’ her skaert, the gel makes a complicated procedure o’ turning away frae us. Quite a lot of unusual movements accompany her short step tae a bank of communication tubes. Brass pipes crawl up the wall tae spread throughout the large building. Soomehow we are aulle traunsfeexed, and cannae taern frae the roundly contoured, reaer view o’ this receeptionist as shae bends tae leeft the couver froum one of these tubesies. The platinum blond puckers her kissers and blows, attempting to whistle intae the pipe. After several more unsuccessful tries, shae then remouves the goum from her gate and tries again, bhaughtte after several more unsuccessful lip rounded fourceful aexhaeles, she gives up, saying:

“Mmm,”
*smack*
“Yew gots visitehrs, Dean.”
*smack*

A distant door is heard to slam, way off to the interior of the building, and very quickly we are rewarded with the appearance o’ a very fine looking gentleman. He bae aulle smiles and Mr. Kiss-ups te’ our Wrennekenstein.

“Mr. WrenneFeyldde! What a pleasant surprise. We are always so thrilled to receive one of your unexpected visits. To what do we owe the honor of your presence this time? Why, Mrs. HuhWhiggins, why didn’t you tell me we had such important guests?”

“Heh,heh,h-hyou can stop with the small talk, Dean Vermer. Vee are getting bad reports, again. Henh.”

“Bad reports? Bad reports, you say? Mrs. HuhWhiggins, do you know anything about some sort of bad report?”

*smack*
“No, Dean Vermer.”
*smack*

“Heh,heh,h-hthis school was founded with the purpose of properly educating the mind, strengthening the vill, und developing zee moral fibres of its students, not to vallow in zee muck of degeneracy. Henh.”

“I’m sure I do not know to what you might refer, Mr. WrenneFeyldde.”

“H-h-h-oh, but I think you do, Dean Vermer. Meesus HuhWheeggins, please to select three students at random and have them come to zee lobby immediately!”

*smack*
“Yes, Mr. WrenneFeyldde.”
*smack*

Innae short times, three pathetic late teens sulk in.

“H-h-h-give me your names. H-h-hyou, the tall male in the soft footwear, stovepipe pants, studded belt and slack expression...”

“Hm. Benton Morosely. Hm.”

“H-h-h-the short male, with the same unfortunate taste in clothing, henh, except your pants are worn in a far more distressful saggy manner that I think you will regret some day. Henh.”

“Unh. Bobby Poseur. Unh.”

“Undt you, the young Fraulein vith zee stringy blond hair, chicken bone frail frame, and blackness encircled eyes?”

“Enh. Annie Rexxia. Enh.”

“Ha, ha! I count, one, two, three! Three awful specimens from our expensive new academy! Ha, ha!”

“Heh,heh, h-you cheeldren are of noble stock. You know full vell that you are not to fraternize outside of your lofty stratum of pedigree. Confess to your illicit cavorting! Henh!”

“Hm. You’re not the boss of me. Hm.”

“Unh. You’re not my parents. Unh.”

“Enh. Can I go, yet? I want to smoke a cigarette. Enh.”

Count Onyx’Ula sweeps forward innae menacing swirl of cape and tuxedo. The flash of the cape’s blood red lining is like the burst of anger in his fierce expression. The surly students fall back in a cringing little wad from the sophisticated menace.

“Enough of your insolence! I am in no mood to banter words with immature younglings. This Transylvanian Academie Nocturno de la Buenos Aires Satelito was not founded that you could cavort with a species lesser than ourselves. This building has a large, high walled courtyard, but the wall was, I suspect, not built high enough! Get outside to the inner courts, you cowering cublets!”

“Hm. Okay, gawh! Hm.”

“Ha, ha, I count many steps as we move past the desk and down this long hallvay.”

~whirr, buzz, clink~
“This courtyard is quite spacious. My sensors denote many species of tree and shrubbery. My aural hear-a-phones detect a rustle of dry leaves on this windy night.”

“Ain’t it strange to be experiencing the late Fall season and the oncoming winter chill in early May, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am?”

“Indeed, Mr. Temperance, such is the cycle of life here below the equator. I say, I mourn that we come to Buenos Aires in her late Autumn and are unable to enjoy the local fauna in her flowering prime.”

“Yes, Ma’am. I reckon this Academy is a purdy sight in the Spring. I like the big fountain in the middle of the court, but watch out, Miss Plumtartt, some of these statues ain’t wearing no clothes!”

“Tee, hee! Me thinks our dark and dapper host, Count Onyx’Ula, has nae caeres fae boutanical aye-preciations, the brute searches faer hideys.”

“Si, the remarkably handsome monster inhales deeply, but not I think to enjoy the aromatic fragrances.”

“I say, the expression of disgust he wears indicates that he has made olfactory contact with that to which he is repellently drawn, eh hem?”

“I can smell and sense the degenerate and lowly presence of unauthorized intruders! Call your furry friends forthwith.”

“Hm. You’re not gonna tell my dad about this, are you?”

“One more second’s delay will cost you your life!”

“Okay, okay, gawh. Hm. Hey, you guys, you gotta come out, now. Hm.”

“Unh, this is like, so unfair. Unh.”

“Enh. This is why I hate grown-ups. Enh.”

“Why, lookey there, Miss Plumtart, Count Onyx’Ula was right! There are pairs of young people popping up all around us!”

“Indeed, Mr. Temperance, their slink from shadows’ protection reveals a guilty demeanor.”

“Many o’ these teens are reminiscent o’ our first offering of students; pale, unhealthy, and tragically out o’ condition faer such youthful lads and lassies.”

“Si, Senor Steele, however, their counterparts are of an entirely different physical description. The males are more developed in musculature and display their physiques openly, with chests bared, while the females possess a shocking and raw sexuality!”

“I say, you girls do have a rather unkempt and unbridled passion to you, as characterized by the tousled manes of hair that cascade about your bare shoulders, eh hem?”

“Tee, hee! And ye’re short, short, skirtsies! Aye! I bae seeins ye’re whoule baere legs! Tee, hee!”

“Ha, ha! So many misbehaving cheeldren of the night for me to count! What a multitude of disappointment you are. Ha, ha!”

“Heh,heh, the reports were correct! Vhat do you cheeldrens have to say for yourselves? You all know theese sort of fraternization eest absolutely forbeeden und verboten! Speak up, you astoundingly developed leetle tramp!”

The supple and sensual gel baein’ addressed ignores the wretched little WrenneFeyldde and proudly rejoins the angry Count Onyx’Ula instead.

“We are in love! True love conquers all barriers! We are the next generation and will not be bound by the restrictions of your up-tight rules, old man.”

A shirtless lad steps forward to give an impassioned addition to the buxom gel’s address.

“Yeah, what she said.”

The gel accurately designated as ‘astoundingly developed’ continues.

“You old fogies can’t stop destiny! Plus, he is
so
hot!”

“Be silent!” roars Count Onyx’Ula in a ter-r-r-r-rible wrath. The young adults are strouck doumb at the strong presence of the powerful Count. The skyes respond innae frightening, roiling mass o’ lightning flashes and tur-r-r-rbulent cloudsie convulsions. Count Onyx’Ula’s eyes suddenly burn with a fierce white light! Their beams are as arc-lamps frae his terrifying features. Wae all fall away frae his awful form. With supreme effort, he turns his palms upward. He then slowly raises his great hands toward the storm above his head. When his hands gets abouts shoulder high, I thinks, aye, they halt their ascent. A distortion innae the aeyrre abouot him resounds up annae his frame. A blast o’ energies builds and then finds focus in his great mitts. A column o’ thickened aetmouspheric waves project up frae the sophisticated brute’s hands to a submissive cloud-cover on high, fae she baegins parting her stormy meteoroulogical display tae clear skye over head.

“Eeek!”

“Yikes!”

“Oh, no!”

“You crazy old man! What have you done! Enh!”