In His Eyes (12 page)

Ellene’s confession had startled him, but he knew it shouldn’t have. She was a beautiful woman, and he could only guess how many men found her desirable. He wondered if her chastity had ended their relationship. In today’s world, he’d learned that few women held their virginity sacred.

Ellene surprised him at every turn, especially her deep feelings for Caitlin. He’d watched them together, a kind of intimacy he didn’t understand. He was the breadwinner, the father who protected and supported his child, but he didn’t know how to be a confidant and a playmate. His mind worked differently than Caitlin’s. Her needs were different.

Caitlin’s need broke his heart. His little daughter wanted to be like so many others, with a mother and father. How could a man provide all the needs of a daughter?

But with Ellene, they’d melded together like peanut butter and jelly, a perfect combination. He’d watched them giggling together. Caitlin mimicked
Ellene’s every move, and what would she do tomorrow when Ellene drove away?

Last night, Ellene had kissed him with the fervor he remembered from their youth, but tomorrow would those kisses remain a memory? When the daylight brightened the sky, would the outcome darken his world again?

He wondered if Ellene were awake, thinking of what he’d told her about not being a good husband. She’d changed too since she’d arrived. Her business persona had finally thawed into something warmer and more caring until she remembered. Then the business tone returned, but the past few days, since their truce, she’d become the real woman he’d loved, yet with greater wisdom and a new depth.

He squeezed his eyes shut, concentrating on sleep. His thoughts drifted to the Lord and what He wanted from Connor’s life. Could it be, Lord? Do You have some purpose in mind for me? For Ellene? Take compassion on Caitlin, Father. Don’t let her heart be broken with Ellene’s leaving. A chill skittered up his back, and he tucked the blanket around himself. “And my heart, too, Lord. Don’t let it be broken, either.”

Somewhere in the night Connor knew he had drifted to sleep because a noise from the great room roused him. He sat up and looked at the clock. It was after seven. He bolted from bed, slipped on his pants and shirt, then opened his door.

Ellene stood near the table, dressed and holding a coffee mug. “Good morning,” She said, when he came through the archway.

“Are you going already?”

“I thought so.”

“How about breakfast?”

“Coffee’s fine.” She set the cup on the table. “I didn’t want to leave without saying goodbye and thanking you for your hospitality.”

Hospitality?
She made it sound as if she were an ordinary guest who’d stopped by for the evening. “It’s been our pleasure. You know that.”

“It’s had its moments.” A faint smile curved her lips.

Her lips.
His memory soared back to the past evening in front of the fire. How could he shake hands and say goodbye?

“The ferry’s running. I called awhile ago. I’ll be in touch as soon as I get an architect to draw up the plans, and I’ll send you an estimate in a couple of days.”

Bewildered, his arms plopped to his sides. “What about last night?”

She fiddled in her handbag for something and didn’t look up.

“Ellene, what about last night?”

She inched her head upward. “I need to think, Connor. This place is bewitching. I’m confused. It’s like a vacation when everything seems perfect. It’s not real when you put it into everyday life.”

“It shouldn’t confuse you. Don’t try to make sense
out of it. Emotions aren’t always logical. They’re in here.” He patted his hand against his chest.

“I know,” she said, shaking her head and pressing her palm against her chest. “I feel it in there, but it could be as fleeting as a comet—awesome, but the fire is out in a moment.”

He saw no point in trying to convince her. Ellene could be stubborn as a cat. She would have her own way. “You’re not going to leave without saying goodbye to Caitlin.”

She picked up an envelope from the table. “I wrote her a note.”

“A note?” He stared at her, disbelieving. “She’s six. A note isn’t what she needs.”

“I’m not sure I have what she needs. I’ll see her again. I made a promise, and I’ll keep it.”

She lifted the laptop from the chair seat and headed for the door, then turned back. “Connor, last night I lay awake most of the night amazed at what had happened. I need to make sense out of it all.”

“Are you stuck in the past again, Ellene?”

“Last night I asked myself what would happen if things blossomed, and we decided to try again. We can’t just be friends, Connor. No way. We have too much past, but I’m not sure we have a future. We need to think about this carefully. I don’t want to hurt anyone else again, and I definitely don’t want to suffer again if we make a mistake.”

“Did you ever think walking away now could be the mistake? Did you consider that?”

She lowered her head a moment. “Yes. I’ve made too many bad decisions in my short lifetime, and I don’t want to make another. Trust me on this.”

“How can I? I trusted you once, and you threw the trust back in my face.”

She put her hand on the doorknob. “I’m sorry.” She pulled opened the door and turned back. “Say goodbye to your aunt, too. Tell her I learned a lot from her.”

“I’m not sure you did,” he said.

She gave him a piercing look, pushed open the storm door and stepped outside.

The cold morning whisked past him, less icy than the look in Ellene’s eyes.

C
onnor caved onto the sofa and stared at the envelope. It stung that Ellene had written Caitlin a note to say goodbye.

He stared into space, trying to make sense out of it all. What had happened? Why had she changed so radically from the night before?

He didn’t know how long he’d sat there. The next sounds he heard were his aunt and Caitlin’s footsteps on the stairs. He swallowed the emotion that rose in his throat, picturing his daughter’s reaction.

“Daddy,” she said, skipping away from the stairs, her arms open to greet him.

He drew her in, holding her close and wanting to protect her.

“Where’s Ellene?” his aunt asked.

He shifted his gaze from Caitlin to his aunt, then back to Caitlin. “She left early.”

“She left,” Caitlin said, her smile fading to distress. “But she didn’t say goodbye.”

His aunt wandered to the kitchen counter for a mug of coffee. “She made coffee.”

“Ellene left you a note,” he said, handing the envelope to Caitlin.

Caitlin stared at it for a moment with a look that tore at his heart. Finally she took it from him and turned it over in her hands as if not knowing what to do with it.

“Open the flap,” he said.

She tucked her finger beneath it and pulled up. The paper tore, and she struggled to release the note. She gazed at it a moment, then handed it to him. “I can’t read it.”

“It’s in cursive,” he said, knowing that even if Ellene had printed it, Caitlin could probably only sound out some of the words.

“Read it to me, Daddy.”

Tears brimmed her lashes, and her sad eyes squeezed his heart, and he lowered his gaze to the paper.

“Today’s Sunday. She doesn’t work on Sunday.”

“I know,” he said, “but she probably has things to do to get ready for work.”

She lowered her eyes and seemed to ponder what he said, then raised her head. “What else does it say?”

He looked at the letter again.

“But I don’t want plans,” Caitlin whimpered. “I want to play Old Maid and go outside for walks when the snow melts. I want to go to the store and buy more tops so we can be twins.”

“Shush,” Connor said, trying to control the emotion charging through him. He wanted to remind her once again that people didn’t always get what they wanted, but he’d fallen into the same trap. He wanted Ellene, too, and he’d really thought that maybe this time…

“Read the rest, Daddy.”

Connor knelt down to show Caitlin the circles. “Those are hugs.”

“They are?” Caitlin asked.

“And Xs are kisses.” He forced himself to smile. “I’ll put Xs on your cheeks.” He leaned toward her and kissed each moist cheek.

Caitlin brushed the teary kisses from her face, and ducked away, then grabbed her letter from his hand. “She should have given me the hugs for real.”

Aunt Phyllis mumbled her agreement under her breath, but Connor overheard her.

Caitlin sat at the table, the letter beside her cereal bowl. She drank some milk and ate only a few spoons of cereal. Her eyes looked distant, and she didn’t speak.

Connor couldn’t eat, and the longer he thought about it, the more disappointed he became. Ellene had given him the brush-off once before, and this time she’d left not only him but Caitlin. He would never let her hurt him or Caitlin again.

Ellene sat in her car, feeling the bumpy ferry ride across the channel. Her car jolted, letting her know they’d reached land. She turned her head and looked through the rear window, seeing the island sitting with sprawling fingers on Lake St. Clair.

She ached. Her sleepless night weighed against her spirit; she wished she had slept and awakened feeling uplifted, but she hadn’t. She’d awakened more confused than ever.

She’d succumbed to Connor. She’d heard his story, and though she understood, she felt cheated that she hadn’t been the one to experience the sacred giving of her body and her heart. That was to have happened on their wedding night.

Connor still believed she’d remained chaste. His assuredness touched her and then angered her. Had he presumed she had no emotion? Had he thought it had been easy for her to walk away from his kisses, longing for more, yet knowing being chaste was what God expected?

His faith had begun to grow. How could she tell him now that she’d failed as a Christian? She feared disillusioning him and turning him against her and the Lord. She couldn’t allow that to happen.

She’d bungled things again. Tears filled her eyes, and as she watched the cars move in front of her, she started her car and rolled down the ramp with her eyes blurring.

She turned on the radio and adjusted the dial until she heard a hymn she loved. Sunday. Last Sunday she’d listened to Aunt Phyllis’s sermon about forgiveness and family. Today she’d forgotten every word and let her deep-seated fears uproot the lesson the scripture had planted.

She thought of Christine Powers. She punched in her number, figuring she’d be home on a Sunday morning. When Ellene heard her friend’s voice, she felt tears rim her eyes. “I blew it.”

“Ellene?”

“I really messed things up badly.”

“What did you do?”

“It’s too complicated to talk over the phone. Are you home for a while?”

“Yes. No plans. Where are you?”

Ellene’s hands tightened on the steering wheel. “I just left the Harsens Island ferry.”

“Just now? You’re kidding. What happened?”

“I’ll tell you when I get there.”

“Drive carefully.”

What happened?
Christine’s words hung in her mind. She didn’t know what had happened.

An hour later, she pulled up in front of Christine’s condo and wondered why she’d come. Her friend couldn’t do a thing to change what she’d done, and Ellene wasn’t sure she wanted to. She lowered her head against the steering wheel, trying to sort through the positives and negatives, the goods and bads she’d experienced with Connor.

She ignored the past events, and instead thought about her week on the island. She envisioned Connor and his love for Caitlin, his frustration in not knowing how to be a good father and mother. He was open about his behavior after they’d broken up, and he’d defended her chastity.

Accepting Connor into her life meant either honesty and beginning on a clean slate or spending
her life in a lie. The lie seemed easier, but the truth seemed the only way.

A rap on the window gave her a start. She lifted her head from the wheel and saw Christine’s concerned face.

“Are you okay?” her friend asked.

She nodded, unlocked the door and stepped to the ground.

Christine’s fist was knotted against her chest. “You gave me a fright. I thought you’d died or something the way your head was resting on the wheel.”

“Sorry,” she said, giving her friend a hug. “I was trying to make sense out of my life.”

Christine linked arms with her and led her up the condo’s sidewalk. “Come inside so we can talk.”

In the living room, Ellene settled in an easy chair that faced the picture window.

“So tell me what happened,” Christine said, curling her legs under her on the sofa.

Ellene’s mind flew in a variety of directions, lingering on things she’d thought about in the car and other moments that came to mind that could have made her smile if not for the pain she felt.

She related her experiences on the island, all those goods and bads that she’d thought about earlier, except she struggled to find the bads because they were all in the past.

“What is it about him that bothers you now?” Christine asked, leaning forward as if trying to understand.

“Nothing really. We had a disagreement about his business plans, but that was like any argument. We just had different ideas.”

“Is it the child?”

“Caitlin? No. Not at all.” Hearing Caitlin’s name in her thoughts sent Ellene’s stomach on a wild elevator ride. “I’m crazy about her. She’s so loving, and she emulates nearly everything I do. Her earlier behavior shocked me, but after I was there a couple of days, she was a changed child.”

Christine leaned back against the cushion. “You were a good influence.”

“I was, but now—” Connor’s words rose in her mind.
Caitlin will feel abandoned when you leave.
“I’m afraid of how she’ll react when she finds out I’m gone.”

Christine frowned. “You mean you didn’t say goodbye?”

“She was sleeping. I didn’t want to wake her.”

“That was almost cruel, Ellene, if you meant that much to her.”

“I left her a note.”

Christine rose and shook her head. She strode across the room and spun around to face her. “You left a note for a six-year-old? What were you thinking? Even an adult can’t handle a Dear John letter very well.”

Christine’s frustration weighed on her. She knew her friend was right. She’d let Caitlin down in the worst way. “But I promised I’d see her again.”

“Promises can be broken. How can she trust you when she couldn’t trust you to say goodbye? She’s lost a mother. She’s leery about people vanishing from her life. Now you’ve vanished—at least in her eyes. How do you think that will set with a six-year-old?”

Tears formed in Ellene’s eyes and rolled down her cheeks. “I don’t know. I can’t get beyond myself. I’m only focusing on what hurts me and not on what hurts others.”

Christine hurried forward and sat on the arm of the chair, putting her arm around Ellene’s shoulders. “You’ve made a big step just realizing that. We all do it. Some of us face our needs first, then if it’s not inconvenient we see what others need. I’ve done the same. I’m no one to judge you, but that’s what happened.”

Ellene brushed the tears from her cheeks. “I’ll keep my promise with Caitlin. She’ll know she can trust me, but I can’t stop her from sticking to me like glue, and if I can’t settle things with Connor, she’ll still be hurt.”

“You can take that chance, and if that’s the case, you can let her know that you still love her. You can do something to make it better. I’m no child psychologist, but I know you can find a way to make things better.”

“And Connor… I’m telling you, Christine, the man’s in my blood, but I’m so afraid. I lay in bed all night before I left, reliving his confession, his hon esty. I could still feel his arms around me, his lips on mine. I can still see the look in his eyes.”

“The eyes have it,” Christine said. She was trying to be lighthearted, but it didn’t work.

“The Bible says something about the lamp of the body is the eyes. It’s as if looking into Connor’s eyes, I can see his soul.”

“Do you like what you see?”

“I do.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“Me. I’m the problem.”

Christine gave her a hug. “You can fix that.”

Connor sat beside Rudolph Long and signed the purchase agreement. Checks exchanged hands, and he left the office, owner of Island Sports Shop.

Over a week had passed since he’d seen Ellene, but she’d called him twice to check on details for the architect who was designing the plans. She’d asked about Caitlin, and he’d out-and-out lied. He’d told her she was great, which was far from the truth, but other than asking about his daughter, she’d been strictly business.

He’d made a decision the day Ellene left. Connor had hit his third strike. It was in Ellene’s ballpark now.

He laid the paperwork on the passenger seat, turned the key in the ignition and pulled away from the real-estate office.

Since Ellene’s biting remarks about the sport store, he’d wavered in his thinking. The business had been
his dream. He’d felt confident, but she’d knocked the edge off his fine-honed plans. Determined not to fail, he’d made a new plan, and this one had given him a bigger boost than he could have imagined.

He pulled his cell phone from the SUV’s cup holder and punched in the number. After he’d made it past the secretary, he waited, a smile growing on his face.

“Hi. Mr. Bordini, this is Connor.”

“How’d it go?”

“It’s a done deal,” he said, trying not to laugh into the receiver, but his spirit had lifted more than he could have imagined.

“Good for you, son. Hang on a minute.”

Connor heard the shuffling sound of a muffled phone and heard a woman’s voice, then silence.

“I’m back,” Syl Bordini said. “That was Ellene just now. She has your plans about ready, and she’s going to call you to set an appointment.”

“Good. I’m anxious to get started.” He tried to keep a controlled tone in his voice, but even a mention of Ellene sent him reeling. He forced the question from his throat. “Does she know about—”

“This is business between you and me, son.”

Connor tried to read what he was really saying.

“When do you have to be out of the house?” Syl Bordini asked.

“The first week in June. That means Caitlin can finish school in St. Clair Shores without any problems.”

“Good news.”

Connor returned to the purpose for his call. “I thought I’d stop in when I get to town. I have some paperwork on the new products and some ideas that I wanted to go over with you. Let you take a look and give me your opinion.”

Syl cleared his throat. “Connor, it’s not that I don’t care, but we have an agreement that you run the shop and make the decisions. I’m only a—”

“I know, sir, but I respect your comments and your expertise. I wouldn’t have talked to you if I didn’t.”

“I’m always happy to be a sounding board. Listen—”

Connor heard Syl’s voice shift from the phone, then a rustle of paper.

“Okay. Here’s an idea. I’m having some company in on Saturday. Stop by for dinner around six. Bring Caitlin if you’d like. You might as well get a meal out of it.”