In His Eyes (16 page)

She finally noticed. “Exercise equipment. Great idea.”

“Thanks.”

“And I’ll have bikes available soon, lots of new products.”

She wandered around the front of the store, looking at new items and evaluating his progress, he was sure, but instead of a frown, she turned with a smile. When she made her way back to where he waited, she opened her arms and gathered him into an embrace. “Really nice, Connor. I see lots of new things.”

“And more to come, including a good spring cleaning.”

“Your beginnings will seem humble, so prosperous will your future be.” She chuckled. “Dear Aunt Phyllis. She certainly has a way with words, doesn’t she?”

“But not her words,” he said.

“No, God’s Word. Talk about the Lord’s guidance.” She flung out her arms, then let them flop to her sides. “I need to listen to your aunt more carefully.”

“I think she has a direct connection to God.”

“Daddy,” Caitlin said, tugging on his arm.

“What, Cait?”

“I think Aunt Phyllis talks to God a lot ’cuz I hear her mumbling whenever I go over there and no one’s there, except Pepper.”

He brushed his hand across her soft hair. “And God had better listen to Aunt Phyllis.”

“Right,” Caitlin said, “Because she’s old and we have to listen to old people.”

Connor watched Ellene’s grin widen to a smile, and he grinned, too.

“That’s why you have to listen to me,” he said to Caitlin.

“You’re not real old, Daddy. Just a little.”

“Thank you, Cait.”

“Out of the mouth of babes,” Ellene whispered.

“F
inally,” Connor said, leaning against the kitchen counter.

Though he was trying to look relaxed, Ellene saw tension flicker on his jawline. She knew the time had finally come to talk.

She stood by the side door, watching Caitlin jig alongside Aunt Phyllis as they went to her house to make cookies. “She’s a good girl, Connor. I know you’re proud of her.”

“Prouder than I can say. She riles me sometimes, but it’s my own frustration.”

Ellene turned from the door and crossed to his side. “If you watch any of those talk shows, you’ll see the problems aren’t only with single parents. All kinds of families struggle with the same problems, and they can last for years. The only thing parents can do is their best—and pray.”

Connor lowered his head. “I probably don’t pray enough for Caitlin. I just get frustrated. I know she needs so much, and I have so little to give.”

“How can you say that?”

He lifted his gaze, his brows raising in question.

“Don’t shortchange yourself, Connor. I envy some of your qualities. I wish I had more patience and humility like you do. Do you want a list? You’re the epitome of kindness, good humor, compassion, gentleness, morals and honesty. What else is there?”

He pushed himself away from the counter, shaking his head. “And now you’ve brought us back to yesterday.”

“Yesterday?”

A scowl weighted his face. “The thing I need to talk with you about.” He beckoned to her. “Let’s sit for this.”

Let’s sit for this.
The words sounded ominous, and though she had wanted to know the truth, her pulse rose as she followed him across the great room to the sofa.

He lowered his arms to his thighs and wove his fingers into a tight knot, dangling them between his knees. He looked from her to the floor, then back again. “I want us to have a clean slate, Ellene—everything out in the open.”

His pulse escalated as she searched his eyes. “I avoided telling you some things, and I suppose that makes my avoidance a lie.”

A lie.
Her heart rose to her throat.

“When I said I didn’t want Caitlin a while ago, I’d meant it. I didn’t want Caitlin or any child. Melissa’s pregnancy was an accident.”

She heard herself gasp. “How can you say that? You’re her father.”

“I love Caitlin with all my heart and soul. I’d never give her back even if God could reverse life and I had a second chance. She is the joy of my heart, but at the time, I felt duped and stupid.”

Duped and stupid? Ellene sat dazed.

Connor hung his head. “I’ve asked God to forgive me, but at the time I wasn’t rational. I felt trapped.”

Duped, stupid, trapped? “You’re upsetting me, Connor. I’m totally bewildered.”

“I was bewildered and bitter—mainly at myself. It’s a long story, and you know part of it. When you broke off with me, I was angry, and I figured if you were playing games so could I. I went out on a couple of empty dates, then I called you, but you were as defiant as anyone could be. My vendetta was to get even and show you that you weren’t the only fish in the sea.”

“So you dated and got involved with women. You told me.”

“I dated a few women, but I only got involved with one, Melissa. She desired me and I took advantage, but I still had dreams of letting time pass until you realized that I was the man for you.”

Ellene’s chest tightened until she feared she
couldn’t breathe. “You were intimate with her. If you still loved me, why did you do that?”

“Anything I say will sound like a weak excuse. When I left you I felt so worthless and empty. I couldn’t imagine anyone finding me appealing. Melissa did. She wanted my love, and she seemed open to intimacy. I’d wanted to share that with you, but then it seemed impossible.”

Ellene lowered her eyes. “I’d expected you to beg for a while,” she whispered, “until you gave me what I wanted—more of your time.”

“But you had my heart, Ellene.” He pressed his hand against his chest while sadness filled his eyes. “Do you think I didn’t find you attractive? I respected you too much to pressure you. I respected your faith. I admired it and wished I felt as strongly as you did about values.”

Ellene caught her breath.

“I wasn’t raised that way, but you and your family taught me so much. Allowing myself to fall into sinful behavior so soon after our breakup made me feel rotten. You have been so staunch, so moral, and I’ve loved you for that all these years.”

Ellene’s heart rose to her throat. He’d given her credit that she didn’t deserve. Her indiscretions gnawed at her like a hungry tiger. “Why didn’t you ask, Connor? I never understood your need.”

Connor jerked away from her and rose. “What need? Need had nothing to do with it. My need was
to be loved by you. I just told you I admired your strength. I envied your morals and faith. I didn’t
need
anything that would change all that I respected.”

“Did you respect your wife?”

Connor sank back into the cushion and covered his face with his hands. She leaned forward, embracing his shoulders. “I’m sorry, Connor. That was a mean question.”

“It’s a logical question, Ellene.” He turned his head to look into her eyes. “I made the best out of it. I was faithful to Melissa, but I never loved her as I should have. I did care about her.”

“Then why did you marry her?”

He drew back, his face pale. “I told you I married her on the rebound, but that’s been my biggest lie.”

Ellene’s stomach twisted while her mind raced for an answer, but nothing made sense. “Tell me why?”

“I didn’t use protection. She told me she’d taken care of it, but she hadn’t.”

“She got pregnant?”

He nodded.

“You married her because she was pregnant?”

“I’d let my morals slip, but I knew what was right. We got married, and that’s why the wedding was so sudden. She was the mother of my child. What could I do?”

Ellene remembered counting the months on her fingers, trying to understand when they’d broken up
and when Caitlin was born, but the brief thought had slipped from her mind.

“I should have told you about this from the beginning. Can you forgive me?” he asked.

Ellene’s head spun. “You’re already forgiven. I need to forgive myself.”

He shifted closer and captured her hands, pressing his lips to her fingers. “We were both at fault. The lies are gone. I feel as if a weight has lifted from my shoulders.”

She looked into his face, seeing his jaw relax, the concern in his eyes gone. “I’m so sad about this, Connor, but never say you wish you hadn’t married Melissa. If you hadn’t, Caitlin wouldn’t be part of our lives. She’s so like you. Thank God for her.”

Connor placed his thumb beneath her chin and tilted her head upward. “Thank you for understanding and for reminding me of the blessing.”

His gaze clung to hers as his mouth lowered to a kiss. She languished in the sweet sensation that felt so perfect and so right.

Connor drew back, his nose touching hers, his lips brushing hers as he spoke. “I can’t tell you how you’ve made things so complete and full for us, and you love Caitlin, which is all I could ever ask.”

He straightened his back, his hands grasping hers again. “Do you think we could start over? Do you think we could make it work now? We’ve resolved everything, forgiven everything.”

Ellene’s heart thundered. But they hadn’t. He’d called her morally strong, and she had to tell him the truth about her own actions. His openness only made her weakness more excruciating.

“Yesterday, at my house, I overheard Caitlin. I think you saw me.” He squeezed her hand, studying her face.

She nodded, letting him know she had seen him.

“She said she wanted you to be her mommy.”

“I know. She startled me.” She looked away, his gaze too intense.

He drew her face around to his. “I want the same thing, Ellene. Will you marry me? Will you be my wife and Caitlin’s mommy?”

The floor fell out from under her. The proposal was all she’d ever dreamed and all she’d ever hoped, but not now, not until—

“I need time, Connor.”

His eyes widened, bewilderment glinting in their depth. “Time? What have we been doing? We’ve had years, and now I thought we’d grown. I sense you care about me.”

“I do, Connor, but we don’t want to make a mistake.”

“A mistake? You’re kidding. How could this be a mistake? God’s led us back together. I feel it in my gut.”

“If God brought us together, then a couple of days, a week won’t make any difference.”

He drew himself upward up, shaking his head. “Not again. I can’t take this anymore, Ellene. I really can’t.”

“Connor, please. I—”

Dismay filled his face. He rose and charged across the room, grasping the kitchen counter before he swung back. “I give up.”

Panic rushed over her. She’d been about to make the same mistake she’d made so often. Cowardice. She didn’t have time to think how to tell him. Lord, give me the words. “Connor, please.” She patted the sofa. “Please, sit for a minute. I need to tell you something.”

He didn’t move but clung to the kitchen counter, rocking on his heels, his gaze away from her. Finally he turned and his look broke her heart.

He plodded across the room and dropped onto the sofa while his gaze probed hers.

A ragged breath tore from her chest. It should be nothing after all this time—an indiscretion—but she knew better. She’d spent her life disappointed in herself and ashamed at what she’d done. Her action hadn’t been what the Lord expected. And to add to her shame, Owen had walked away, too, leaving her feeling unclean.

Connor’s brow furrowed and his mouth looked pinched. “You have to tell me what?” He looked at her, a frown growing on his face. “You know, I think I’ve heard every excuse and every reason for what’s gone wrong with our relationship. I take part of the blame. I was ashamed to tell you about Melissa’s pregnancy, afraid you’d be disappointed and worse that I would disgust you, but—”

“This has nothing to do with you, Connor. It’s my shame, and like you, I’ve never told you this. You know I dated after we broke up, but I never told you that I made the same mistake as you, Connor.”

“You were pregnant?” His mouth dropped open and he seemed paralyzed.

“No, not pregnant, but I’ve been with a man. I’m not a virgin.”

“You’re not?” His eyes widened, and a look of disappointment swept over him.

“I’m sorry. I know you’re startled. I fell in love, and I took a horrible step outside my faith. I knew you’d be disappointed so I didn’t want to tell you.”

He lowered his face to his hands. “I wish you’d told me earlier. But how could you sit there for so long without telling me? I’ve felt guilty for so long, Ellene. I didn’t want to hurt you, because I had such admiration for your Christian strength.” He lifted his gaze. “I explained this to you, and yet you didn’t help me feel better by telling me the truth. I would have understood.”

“Connor, I was afraid, too, afraid I’d disappoint you.”

“I am disappointed. I’m disappointed in your lack of trust that I wouldn’t understand.”

“I told you a while ago that I had a trust issue. You know I’ve had a difficult time trusting you, and Owen, the guy I was almost engaged to, left me after promising me the moon. How could I trust any man?”

“Because you knew me. You
know
me. You know my child and my likes and dislikes. How can we have a marriage without trust? I’m sorry, but this time I need time to think.”

He shifted away from her, grabbing the doorknob. He swung the door open and vanished outside.

Ellene sat alone and miserable.

Connor rounded the corner of the house and headed down to the channel. He kicked stones as he walked, realizing he lacked trust, too. He bent to select a flat stone and skipped it across the water. It hopped twice, leaving concentric rings as evidence of its passing before it sank into Lake St. Clair. He envisioned his marriage proposal—two proposals—plunging into dark depths, leaving not neat perfect circles but billowing chaos. They’d both been so wrong.

Still, he loved Ellene. What more could he say?

Connor walked with his hands knitted behind his back, watching the seagulls soar and dip above the green water. He’d never been free. He’d been bound by his mistakes and his secret love for Ellene that he’d guarded and refused to let surface for so long.

A groan tore from his throat. Neither had trusted the other enough to be totally honest, and he knew marriage could survive only with complete honesty and trust.

He turned and walked backward, his gaze traveling to his aunt’s house where Caitlin was making
cookies. Cookies. Such a simple delight to a child. And love. Shouldn’t that be a simple delight when it was in God’s care?

Foolish that he would even think love could be simple. It was one of the most complex emotions he’d ever felt, but one that filled him to the brim with joy. Caitlin’s love made him who he was, a father, a man who wanted the best for his child, a man who loved his country and his God.

Ellene. He loved her with all his heart.

He’d heard a Bible verse once, probably from his aunt, that said God’s eyes and heart would always be with His children. He felt that way about Ellene. She’d been in his eyes and heart forever, it seemed.

He’d reacted badly. He’d made bad choices and so had Ellene. She had a will of her own. God gave His children choices, and sometimes they made grave mistakes. He had, but today they’d both been open and honest. Today was a new beginning.

He crouched in the sand and ran his finger through the grains, making circles like the skipping stones. He could turn chaos into circles. It only took forgiveness and love to smooth the rough places.

A breeze ruffled his hair, and he pulled his fingers through the strands to smooth it. Smooth the rough places. That’s what he had to do. His pulse skipped as he organized his thoughts.

“Connor.”

He looked up into Ellene’s eyes.

“I love you,” she said. “I want to marry you and be Caitlin’s mommy. I can’t imagine life without either of you in it. Having you walk out the door made me realize how you must have felt so long ago.” She touched his shoulder with the tips of her fingers.