In Honor (8 page)

“Rusty,
stop
.” I barely got it out. The anger in his voice had made my own shaky.

He glanced at me, then back to the fire pit. “They put him in the ground yesterday, and now here we are.” He laughed bitterly. “What are we doing here again, Honor? Going to a
concert
? The day after his funeral?”

“Shut up, Rusty.” I stood and wiped my eyes, and now there was no controlling my voice. Tears spilled over, down my cheeks, and I spat my words at him. “Shut the hell up!”

Wyatt pushed his chair back slowly and stood between us, looking from me to Rusty. “Whoa, whoa, whoa.” He put his hands out and turned to me, confusion and worry all over his face. “That really true?” he asked, tentative, like he didn’t really want to know. “About your brother?”

I bit my bottom lip and looked down at the ground, not wanting to answer. Because no matter how many times I’d said it to people in the last two weeks, people I knew, I hadn’t really believed it. Even yesterday, at the funeral, I’d felt almost like an actor in a movie or something. But standing here, with Rusty throwing it in my face in front of a stranger sent a pain through me that was impossible to ignore. This was beyond forgivable.

A long moment passed without any of us speaking. A log popped, sending a tiny explosion of embers into the air. I leveled my eyes at Rusty and hoped he could feel how much I hated him right then. “It’s true. My brother’s dead.”

“I’m sorry,” Wyatt said softly. He reached for my hand, but I moved it away.

Rusty snorted. “Well, now. Looks like I ruined the mood.” He straightened up and looked over at Wyatt. “I’m sorry, man. She’s all yours.” Then he held out my own car keys to me. “Here you go, H. I’m guessin’ I’ll be sleeping under the stars tonight.”

I smacked them out of his hand, into the dirt. “Screw you, Rusty.”

He nodded like he deserved it, turned his back, and walked into the darkness, toward the road.

Wyatt waited until we couldn’t see him anymore, then he picked up my keys, handed them to me gingerly. “Uh . . . you wanna stay a little while longer?”

I shook my head, on the verge of tears again.

“How ’bout I walk you back over to your car, then?”

I swallowed hard and nodded. “Okay.”

We didn’t say anything as we ducked through the bushes, and when we stood next to the car I could tell he was searching, maybe for the right thing to say. But there wasn’t any right thing.

I shifted the keys in my hands. “Thanks for walking me.”

His face was warm but serious. “Of course.” He paused. “I know it’s not my business, but don’t let him make you feel bad. Everyone deals with stuff their own way, you know? I mean, that was a real shithead way to act, but you can tell he’s broken up about it too.” He smiled gently. “Anyway, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you being here.”

Wyatt, who I’d met hours earlier, peeing in my campsite, had somehow said the exact right thing. The kind of thing Finn would have said right before he would have convinced me to do something fun to get my mind off it. “Thank you.” I sniffed. “I’m sorry about Rusty, he—”

Wyatt waved it off. “Don’t worry about it. Come diving with us tomorrow. It’ll feel good to see the sunrise. Like a fresh start.” He gestured at the car. “I’ll knock on the window.”

I curled my fingers under the handle and took a deep breath. “All right.” I meant to tell him thank you, but instead I dropped my hand, stood on tiptoe, and kissed his cheek.

He smiled, then took a step back. “Good night, Honor.” Then he tipped his head, a small good night gesture that left me smiling myself.

Inside the car, I crawled in the backseat, spread my sleeping bag over it, and lay down so I could still see the stars out the window. I thought of Rusty somewhere out in the dark, and I wanted to hate him for what he’d said. But part of me wondered if he was right—if it was wrong of me to be here on this trip, if going to the concert was just a way of running away. What in the world would I tell Kyra Kelley about my brother, anyway? And why would she care?

I didn’t have the energy or the heart to answer any of it. Every bit of me felt weighted down and tired. In the end, I settled for locking the doors, ensuring Rusty would have a lonely, uncomfortable night. Where, I didn’t really care. Then I lay back and found Cygnus in the sky, watched his stars blink friendship and loss, honor and sacrifice, until all of it drifted off over the vastness of the desert.

7

A muted, repetitive
thunk
pulled at me from the other side of sleep. When I didn’t move, it persisted. I made an honest effort to lift my eyelids, but it felt like I had only just closed them, and my mind fumbled for every possible reason to keep them that way: still dark, summertime, no school, nowhere I needed to be, no one who should be waking me up. . . .

I rolled over, expecting to snuggle down into my covers, but consciousness came down on me hard when my face found the cool vinyl of the backseat. I was in the car. Finn’s car. At a campground in New Mexico, where Rusty had been awful and had walked off into the night and a boy I’d just met tried to make it better. But it wasn’t better. Finn was still gone and I was still alone, and the heaviness of those things made me want to seal my eyes closed with the ridiculous hope that if I went back to sleep, none of it would be true.

The knocking stopped, but a loud whisper replaced it. “Honor! You awake?”
Thunk, thunk.
“If you still wanna dive, we’re going.” It was Wyatt’s voice outside the window. Wyatt, who had been sweet and kind, and who I’d kissed on the cheek when he walked me to the car.

I let the last wisp of sleep slip away, then gave in and pushed myself up on the seat. I could see Wyatt’s smile in the window before he took a step back so I could open the door. I looked in the rearview mirror, which wasn’t much help in the dark, ran my fingers through my hair one quick time, pulled on my boots, and tried to put away the unsettled feeling that lingered from the night before. When I opened the door and breathed in the fresh smell of the dirt mingled with the crispness of the junipers and sage, it lifted ever so slightly.

“Mornin’.” Wyatt stepped toward me and smiled. “You’re a hard sleeper. Either that or you were just hoping I’d go away if you ignored me for long enough.” He raised an eyebrow, then shoved his hands in his pockets and shivered a little. “You still wanna dive? Sam and Corrie are already over there getting the gear ready.”

I hugged my arms to my chest and glanced around. “What time is it?”

“Five something. Sunrise is soon.”

“I don’t know. I . . .” I’d felt so much braver the night before, sitting next to the fire and planning an adventure, until Rusty’d gone and ruined it.

Wyatt motioned with his head at the picnic table. “He’s out cold over there. I don’t think he’ll be up for a few hours.”

I shook my head. “That’s not what I meant. It’s just . . . I don’t know how to scuba dive, or what I’m supposed to do, or what I’m even doing here . . . and I should probably just get back on the road, because this whole thing is just—I’m kind of on a deadline. . . .” Wyatt nodded slowly as I stuttered, waiting for me to finish. A lump rose in my throat. “It sounded like a better idea in my head.”

He shrugged simply. “That’s okay. A lot of things do. You can just come watch if you want. There’s a big rock you could sit on and see us from. And the sunrise’ll still be great.” He nodded over at where Rusty must’ve been laid out. “C’mon. He’s not going anywhere.”

I leaned against the car and considered again what it’d be like to see the stars from beneath the water and watch the sunlight wash over them, wiping the sky clean for a brand-new day. I needed one. Finn never would have passed up the chance. And he maybe even would have understood what I was doing here. I took a deep breath and looked up at the stars twinkling in the purple-black sky, then back to Wyatt. “Okay. I’ll try it. Since I’m up and all.”

Wyatt broke into a grin. “Got a bathing suit?”

I went to the trunk for it, and Wyatt followed. “I knew you had it in ya.” He heaved a large bag over one shoulder, then looped his other arm through mine. “Let’s move on out.”

It didn’t look like the sun had any plans to come up soon, but according to Wyatt it would, so we needed to hurry. We jogged across the deserted highway, and he ducked under a chain that was stretched across the entrance to the parking lot for the dive center, holding it up for me to do the same.

“Are we sneaking in here?”

He glanced back at me. “Sort of. It’s just not open yet, is all.” He stopped and hitched his bag back up on his shoulder for the tenth time since we’d left the campsite. “I don’t think anyone will be out here for a while, though. Only Corrie would come up with something like this. She’s . . . creative.”

I smiled. “Do you guys do this a lot? Come up with random adventures that you go on together?”

“They try to make a thing of it, Sam and Corrie. They’re good together that way. They’re all into that whole carpe diem thing.” He was a little out of breath from lugging his bag. “And usually, they don’t mind if I come, which is cool. Sam’s pretty mellow as far as older brothers go.”

He stopped short, like he’d said something wrong, and neither one of us said anything as our feet crunched over the gravel in the empty parking lot. We came to a low rock wall, where Wyatt set his bag down. He looked at me, concerned. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—”

This time it was me who stopped him. “It’s okay. You can say the word ‘brother.’ It’s fine.” I looked past the wall and caught a glimpse of the water’s slick, black surface. “His name was Finn.” I paused at the pang in my chest and waited for it to pass. “Anyway, he would have thought this was great.”

Wyatt nodded but was quiet.

“And I think he would have liked you, too. Rusty was just being a jerk last night for whatever reason.”

“Whatever reason, huh?” He raised his eyebrows. “Yeah . . . I don’t know what
that
reason could be.” He held my eyes a moment, and I decided not to bother explaining that it wasn’t a protective thing or a jealous thing. It was an asshole thing. Wyatt clapped his hands together. “You ready? It’s right over there.”

We climbed over the wall and made our way down the slope to where Sam and Corrie’s silhouettes whispered as they cinched straps and clicked together buckles. Corrie saw us first and came over to me, arms wide. “You made it!” She gave me an awkward, equipment-laden hug, then pulled me back by my shoulders. “You nervous? Don’t be. Here.” She grabbed my hand and led me over to a bench carved into the surrounding rocks. “Wyatt can get you all set up. We need to hurry if we wanna beat the sunrise.”

I looked back at Wyatt and thought for a second I should tell him that Rusty never needed any reason to act the way he did. You never knew what you might get with him. But he had already taken his bag over to where Sam was, and they were laughing together as he unzipped it and began pulling out equipment. I looked around. Even in the dark I could tell the Blue Hole was big. Bigger than any swimming pool I’d been in. I pulled off my boots and let my toes press into the cool stone that lined the edge.

“So, this is natural? Nobody put it here?”

“Nope.” Corrie stepped next to me. “All natural. Crazy that it’s here in the middle of the desert, huh? Wait till you see it in the light. It’s the most perfect shade of blue you’ve ever seen.” She handed me a thin shirt. “Here. Put this on over your bathing suit. It’s a rash guard. The water’s pretty warm, but this’ll help a little bit to keep your heat.”

I set it down and glanced around for a place to change.

“Don’t worry, it’s dark. They won’t see you from over there.”

“True.” I nodded and stepped back into the wall—as much as I could, anyway, while Corrie put on what looked like a backpack with the scuba tank attached to it. “I’ll see you over there,” she said. “You’re going to love this.”

A wave of nervousness went through me. “Okay.”

In the dark, I changed into my bathing suit beneath my dress without too much trouble. Once it was tied, I pulled the dress over my head and replaced it with Corrie’s rash guard, which fit smooth and tight.

“Hey.” Wyatt came back over, wearing just his trunks. “Here,” he said. “I’m gonna give you just a little bit of weight to help you sink when we get in.”

“Sink?”
That just sounded bad. I preferred to swim, or float, like Lilah and I and whatever boys she rounded up did on the river on hot summer days. “I don’t know . . .”

“You’ll be fine,” Wyatt said, holding up a belt with two pouches on it. “Put your arms up.” I did, and he slid the belt around my waist. I kept my eyes down, trying not to smile as his hands brushed my stomach and cinched it tight. “That feel all right?”

He was looking at me, close, and smiling just as cute as he had the night before.

“Yeah.” I dropped my eyes back to the belt that hung heavy on my hips and forced back the fluttery smile that crept over me. “That’s, um . . . that’s good.” He stepped back, and I rolled my eyes in the dark at the sudden nervousness that tingled in my stomach.