In Love Again (19 page)

“She was doing some volunteer work in Kenya, but I think she’s going to stop soon.”

“She is?” Ben asked. That was news to him.

“Yeah, Abby left me a message this morning.”

“She sounds cool,” Nicki interjected. “What’s her name?”

“Lydia…Lydia Barnes.”

“Why have I heard that name before?” Nicki clicked on her phone and tapped a few times. “Oh my god! You are Devon Heyworth’s sister? Ben!” Nicki reached up between the car seats and punched her uncle on the shoulder.

“Ow! Cut that out!” he said as he rubbed his shoulder.

“Seriously, dude! Claire is related to one of the hottest guys…on…the…planet.”

“Nicolette Hayek-Milton. Your manners are appalling. I’m calling your mother to tell her. Did you just Google my friend while she’s sitting right here and then talk about her in the third person…as if she weren’t here?”

She was properly chastised. “Sorry. And sorry, Claire. That was rude. I apologize.”

“Oh, no worries.” Claire turned back to face Nicki and gave her a little smile. “Devon’s never done anything to limit his exposure, if you know what I mean.” A few weeks before, in fact, Devon had been sunbathing naked in the Bahamas and the partially obscured photos were all over the tabloids. “I don’t blame you for taking an interest.”

“Thanks. Still, that wasn’t nice of me.” She put her phone back into the pocket of her hoodie. “So. Is he really hot in real life?”

“Nicki!” Ben was trying to keep a stern tone in his voice but having a hard time of it.

Claire laughed. “I think he’s sort of ragtag and foolish. But I’m his older sister, so that’s how I’m supposed to think of him. His wife thinks he’s very dishy.”

“Oh,” Nicki said on a girlish sigh. “Just the word…
dishy
…”

“Did I just fall into some sort of estrogen time warp?” Ben asked.

Claire looked over her shoulder again and smiled at Nicki. “Maybe if we think of someone not in my family I can jump on the estrogen bandwagon. Roger Federer?”

“He’s okay. But he’s so old.”

“Old?” Claire cried. “Never say!”

“Ben! Don’t you love how Claire says,
Never say!
, just like Lizzie Bennet?”

Ben smiled so only Claire could see in the glow of the dashboard as he answered Nicki. “I do love it.”

Claire felt her heart swell, as foolish as it made her feel to think so. Ben loved her, for whatever crazy inexplicable reason. Maybe she had finally found a slice of happiness.

“How about Bradley Cooper?” Claire tried.

“Still pretty old. But I’ll give you the blue eyes. How about Adam Levine?”

“Who?” Claire asked.

“Oh my god. What planet are you on?”

“Planet Claire?” Ben tried.

“That’s just lame, Uncle Ben. Seriously.” Nicki sighed at his weak attempt at a joke. Then she snapped her fingers. “I know! Ryan Gosling! Isn’t he the man no one can hate?”

“Ah, someone we can all agree on,” Claire said. “Mr. Gosling to the rescue.”

Both women sighed in unison.

“Are you two for real? What’s so great about Ryan Gosling?”

Nicki was still in Ryan-dream mode. “Don’t even bother…”

Claire agreed. “Just…not worth questioning greatness…”

“Thank god we’re at the restaurant. I don’t know how much more swooning my V12 engine and I can stand.”

Claire and Nicki laughed as they got out of the car. The three of them went into the restaurant, which was crowded and loud on Saturday night, with a live band playing contemporary Mexican music at the back. They were shown to a table in a separate room, a little bit quieter.

“Okay fine,” Nicki said, picking up the conversation where they’d left off in the car as if they’d never stopped talking. “Just for gender equality’s sake, and Ben’s enjoyment, who do you think are the sexiest women, Claire?”

“Oh…let me think…sexy? I guess I think of women differently. I think they’re more beautiful than hot, you know what I mean?”

“Okay, sure. So who do you think is the most beautiful woman?” Nicki dove into the chips and salsa as soon as they were set down on the table.

“So many…Vivien Leigh…Keira Knightley…” Claire was having a hard time concentrating as Ben’s hand came to rest on her thigh, unseen beneath the Formica tabletop.

“Claire,” he said.

“Yes?” she answered.

Ben turned from her to look at Nicki. “No. I meant my answer is Claire. I think Claire is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”

“Aw, that’s so romantic!” Nicki said over a crunchy chip. Then she looked at Claire more objectively. “You are really gorgeous, now that I look at you in the light. Great bones.”

“You two are so strange.” Claire took a sip of her water to do something other than feel them looking at her like a butterfly pinned to a bit of felt.

“Yeah, totally strange,” Ben said as he gave her thigh a little squeeze. “Let’s stop tormenting her, Nic. She’s from a place where speaking plainly means
pass the tiara
.”

“Oh, god. Then don’t ever bring her home for Christmas! Can you imagine if Sitti starts asking her about her orgasms?”

Claire was unable to swallow properly and choked. “Oh dear. So sorry,” she tried to gasp out.

Ben patted her gently on the back. “Sitti is my mom, by the way. Are you okay?”

“Sure, sure. Fine.” She patted her chin with a paper napkin to absorb the liquid that had escaped from her mouth.

“Oh my god! You’re not kidding? Have you ever even said the word
orgasm
?”

Claire looked at Nicki then at Ben. “Out loud, you mean?”

Nicki burst out laughing. “This is going to be
so
awesome. Ben, your mom and all your sisters are going to go nuts.”

Ben smiled and put his arm around Claire’s shoulder. “Claire can handle herself. I’m not worried.”

But Claire was. If Ben’s family was filled with strong, confident, outspoken women who talked about their orgasms over the
bûche de Noël
, she was going to feel even more ridiculous than she already did.

“Don’t listen to her, Claire. She’s just trying to scare you.”

“No, I’m not!” Nicki defended after taking a big sip of her Coke. “I’m trying to prepare you. My mother and all her sisters are like a bunch of militant feminists. Ben, you need to give Claire a heads-up. Seriously!”

“Nicki, I want her to like me. You think I’m going to tell her about my six sisters?”

“Six?” Claire nearly choked again. “How could I have forgotten that?”

Ben shrugged. “I probably didn’t tell you on purpose. It’s more or less horrifying. They’re like a pack of wolves.” He took a sip of his margarita.

“Well,” Claire said. “Then I owe you a debt of gratitude, Nicki. Thanks for the warning. What are their names?”

“Olympia. Sanger. Joumana. Cady. Hoda. And my mom, Betty.”

Claire started laughing. “You’re joking!”

Both Ben and Nicki shook their heads and widened their eyes in a doleful way. Nicki spoke first. “Can you imagine? My poor mom…having to be named after Betty Fucking Friedan.”

“Nicki! Language!” Ben snapped.

“Sorry. Bad habit.” Nicki smiled, and Claire noticed neither of them were any the worse for it. Claire had given up trying to chastise Lydia years ago—the slightest correction was immediately seen as a horrible slight.

“And where do you fall into the birth order, Ben?” Claire asked.

“The baby. It’s your basic birth-order disaster.”

“Ok. Give me the one-sentence description of each one,” Claire said to Nicki.

“Oh, fun. All right, let me think. One sentence. Here goes…Olympia lives in Paris and is a curator in the Islamic Art Department at the Louvre, married, no kids. Sanger is a painter and lives with her husband and four dogs in Santa Fe. Joumana teaches Arabic at U. Penn. and she’s single, supposedly, but we all know she lives with some Republican econ professor Sitti hates.”

“Go on.”

“Cady and Hoda went into business together and now run a software development company in Northern California. Cady has a girlfriend; Hoda has a boyfriend. Then Boring Betty, my mom. The housewife from New Jersey. One kid. She doesn’t do anything.”

“Ouch.” Claire felt the sting.

“What? It’s just so boring. I have all these relatives who are doing all this cool stuff and what did my mom do?”

“She had you,” Claire answered with something bordering on despair.

“I know, I know. I respect that. But seriously, what did that take? Like a day or two? To push me out?”

“Nicki…” Ben realized what was happening, but it was too late.

Claire put her hand on his. “No, I want to hear this. A day or two to deliver you, you mean?”

Nicki looked like she knew she was probably insulting Claire somehow, but she wanted to be honest. “I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but my mom just sort of threw in the towel. Her sisters joke that she was the smartest of all of them—perfect performance on the National Latin Exam when she was twelve. Piano prodigy. That sort of thing. She could have done anything!”

Claire stared at this glorious, bursting young woman. “She did do something, Nicki. She raised you.”

“But I’m just a by-product. Don’t you see? Who is
she
?”

“Wow. Is that really how you see it?”

Nicki shrugged. “Yeah. Again, I don’t mean to be rude or dismissive. I just don’t really get it.”

Claire narrowed her eyes and tried to think how to explain her feelings. “Look, I’m in no position to talk about what it means to be a good mother right at the moment. I’m failing miserably—”

“Oh, I’m sure that’s not true!” Nicki exclaimed. “You’re probably just being modest—”

“No. I’m being honest.”

Ben took a sip of his margarita and watched Claire as she spoke. Nicki stayed quiet.

“But when Lydia was born…” Claire’s voice trailed off and she twisted the stem of the margarita glass absently. “It was like the greatest love affair imaginable. I felt like I had finally found my purpose on this earth. She was such a precious, beautiful thing. And so tiny and vulnerable and lovable. And she was so easy to satisfy. Everyone in my life up until then had been so mysterious and confusing to me, you know what I mean?”

Nicki and Ben nodded, both listening intently and watching Claire relive the memories.

“Lydia was so happy. I had never seen anything like it. She would just play in her crib and kick her chubby feet and reach for the mobile, or if she wanted company, she might bark a small cry, but the minute I came to the edge of the cot, she would…” Claire was back in that wonderful place in time. “She just beamed that gummy smile, and her eyes lit up. It was amazing.”

The three of them were quiet for a few seconds before Claire continued.

“It’s a really deep, powerful human relationship, Nicki. It’s not
nothing
. And it’s certainly not something that takes a day or two. I’m still doing it. Or trying.” Claire looked up and realized she had been lost in her own memories. “Oh, sorry to be so maudlin.”

“No!” Nicki was smiling. “I loved that. You were so right there. I could totally picture you with a baby. You know, you’re still really young—you should have another one! I bet you’re an awesome mother.”

Claire stared into her margarita glass, and Ben took a sip and looked toward the band.

“
Awkward
. Totally sorry.” Nicki’s face was bright red. “Seriously. You guys are just starting to date, and I’m talking about you having babies together.”

“Nicki,” Ben said in a warning tone.

“What? It’s not like you never thought about it, Uncle Ben. Mom says you’ve wanted to have kids ever since you came back from France that summer you were at Cal Tech. Remember?”

Claire was biting her lips into her mouth, and Ben was rubbing the flats of his hands on his jeans. “Nicki, enough with all the talk about babies. All right?”

“All right, all right. What are we going to eat?” Nicki whipped open her menu and hid her face behind it.

Ben turned to look at Claire and mouthed
sorry
and touched her cheek. She smiled and slowly opened her own menu. She was sorry too. But for what, she wasn’t exactly sure. For secretly wanting Ben’s babies? Or for feeling like she shouldn’t entertain such dangerous thoughts in the first place?

The rest of the meal passed in much lighter conversation. Claire told stories about her own family, about her responsible brother Max and her wild brother Devon. About her sister Abigail, who ran the organization in Africa. Over dessert, Claire looked up at Nicki and smiled. “I guess I’m sort of the Boring Betty of my family. Maybe your mother and I should meet?”

Nicki laughed. “Totally. You both have that weird peaceful thing going on. Like everything’s going to be okay no matter what. I don’t think I’ll ever feel like that. Will you, Uncle Ben?”

“When I’m around Claire, I feel like I might have a chance.”

“Man, you two have got it bad. It’s like crazy-love-town all up in here. You’d better take me back to campus, so I can remember what bitter disappointment and teenage angst are all about.”

Ben paid the bill and they drove back through the mountainous winding roads. Nicki hooked up her cell phone to Ben’s car stereo and gave Claire a crash course in contemporary music. They got back just before midnight and Ben made sure Nicki got into her dorm safely before curfew.

When he returned to the car, he let his head fall back against the headrest and exhaled for what seemed like a full minute. “She is utterly exhausting.”

“She’s charming. I loved meeting her.”

“You did?” He turned to look at Claire.

“Of course I did. I wish Lydia had an ounce of her…enthusiasm.”

“Enthusiasm, huh?” Ben put the car in gear and drove through the dark natural arch of leafless trees.

“Yes, enthusiasm. She’s so full of life.”

“So full of uninformed opinions, you mean.”

“She’s not uninformed. She’s going on her own experience. I think she’s wonderful.”

“Well, the feeling’s mutual. As she was saying good-bye at the door, she told me she hopes I don’t bungle the whole thing, because she can’t wait to see you again at Thanksgiving or Christmas.”

Claire felt her stomach go all fluttery again. “What’s on for Thanksgiving?”