In Memory (19 page)

She reached across the table and grabbed my hand, halting me from picking at the seam between the boards. I looked at her, and realised how much we look the same.

It occurred to me then that if I wasn’t honest with her, I wasn’t being honest with myself either.

“They beat me up because I’m gay.”

Her expression changed very swiftly from anger to shock to compassion.

“That’s… that’s why I couldn’t tell you before.” I fini
shed, looking away from her. C
ould still feel the warmth of her hand on mine, and found myself wishing she would say something.
Anything at all.

She withdrew her hand, and I closed my eyes,
a sick feeling squeezing my heart. T
hought she was revolted or angry with me, or-

W
as surprised when I felt her arms wrap around me, and hold me tightly. “You should have told me
!!”
she cried, burying her face in my neck, kissing the scar that used to be nothing. “We could have done something, and we wouldn’t have had to move away, you wouldn’t have to-”

P
atted her hai
r as she cried into my neck. T
hink she was mostly just crying that hard because she was relieved I finally told her.

S
t
ill had to confirm it though,
had to ask her.

“Terra, it… doesn’t bother you that I’m… gay, does it?”

“Of course not, you’re my brother! I love you no matter what!”

Relief flooded me. That was the best thing she could have said there. I feel so much better now. Why didn’t I do this sooner?

I grinned and stood up, hugging her properly. “I’m so relieved… I was scared you might be mad.”

“You’re so stupid sometimes, you know that?” She sniffed, and looked at me. I forget she’s tall, we see almost eye to eye. She cupped my face in her hands, smiling exasperatedly. “But you always act that way out of worry for other people. That’s why I love you, Aerian. You’re such a beautiful person.”

W
as about to say something when she stood on tiptoe, and kissed my forehead. “Don’t ever change.”

I smiled, which made her smile more, and she hugged me again.

Then, interrupting the nice sibling moment, she must have noticed the dessert on the counter.

“Is that chocolate cake over there?”

We then proceeded to have dessert, and she seemed a lot happier after a while.

When I asked her about her sudden change, she smiled.

“Well, I’m just glad you were fully honest with me. It’s a relief to know that you’re not hiding anything else from me. Like we’re completely connected again.” She grinned, and took a bite of her cake, smiling happily as she chewed.

That’s when my heart began to ache again. I’m still hiding it from her.
The last secret.
The confirmation of Mum’s charts from May.
I
magined how I would tell her, the exact words I would say.
Her reactions, all of the possible ones.
Terror, sadness, and then inversely,
scepticism
and laughter.
There was always the possibility she could shrug it off as something made up and ridiculous.

I could be a writer because of my ability to think of all of these different storylines for one simple event.

Maybe in my next life, because I don’t think I have the time in this one.

96 Days, 23 November, Sunday

Today, I got a shift change at work, and so now I only work on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. Which means my hours have been cut down to one third of what they were. Which is less convenient, because now we’re generally going to have less money.
Dammit
.

Terra says to not worry about it, because I should be focusing on my schoolwork and stuff. But still, I feel like I should be contributing to the house funds in some way.

Wait, why don’t I go reply to the offer for being a nude model? Those ladies seemed to be eager to get one, and they pay well, to my recollection.

So I just called Ruth, the lady who is in charge of the class and she said they’d be delighted to have me as a model. Apparently, it’s really difficult to get a good male model in the city.

W
ouldn’t say I’d be a really good model, cause I’m not really in shape, and I’m a bit peaky. I’m also kind of worried about…
Meh
, well I suppose, I figured it before. Little old ladies have most assuredly seen a guy’s junk before, and if they haven’t they are most assuredly aware of what’s going on down there.

Right. I’m going to do this. Ruth gave me some tips on calming down beforehand.

“I know it can be a bit scary the first time you do this, but don’t worry dear, we’re only harmless old ladies. We’re all married. Well, except Margie, but I’m relatively sure she favours the ladies and just hasn’t found the right woman yet.”

Ohh man, old ladies are funny.

My first session is this Thursday, and I’m a bit freaked out about it.

Ruth also gave me a list of things to buy before my first session, including hair clips, slippers/sandals, a soft blanket, and a bathrobe.

I went to the local bargain shop and acquired all of said items for less than thirty bucks, cause I’m thrifty that way.

My bathrobe is bright sunshine yellow. I love it, even if I prefer light blue.

95 Days, 24 November, Monday

The date of the hospital Christmas Party got announced today! Terra was pretty excited about it, and told me all about it. It’s next Saturday, at the Community Swimming Pool, and most of the staff are attending, and are allowed one guest each.

Terra slyly smiled and suggested I invite Noah.

B
lushed and chuckled at the instant mental
visual of him in a swimsuit. P
ictured his swim trunks as blue for some reason.

T
hink she’s very aware of my attraction to him
;
even more now that I’m out of the closet.

She did make a joke about how I wasn’t so much in the closet as in the pantry, because I’m always cooking. It wasn’t the funniest joke, but she cracked up so bad while saying it that it somehow became funny.

I’m
gonna
invite Noah tomorrow for sure.

Actually
, he wasn’t at school today. W
onder where he
was…?

94 Days, 25 November, Tuesday

So apparently, Noah wasn’t at school yesterday because his father took him into the clinic for a monthly
checkup
.

I don’t get it. What the hell?

After I asked him about it a little more, it seems he’s been unhealthy since he was about six, and has to go in for regular assessments on his weight and stuff.

G
uess that would explain why he’s so skinny. He seemed kind of zoned out today though, like he had something else on his mind throughout our whole conversation.

Maybe he’s not telling me something. I’ll ask him tomorrow.

93 Days, 26 November, Wednesday

T
hink something happened to him on Monday, something he doesn’t want me to know about. It has something to do with his father. That man doesn’t seem like the type of person I’d ever want to meet. He scares me and I haven’t even met him. I just know he’s got a lot of power over Noah, and that’s what’s so scary.

When I asked him about what exactly happened on Monday, he blushed and looked away, shaking his head.

“He just spoke to me, that’s all. He said some… horrible things.”

I didn’t press it,
didn’t
want to upset him any more. Q
uickly changed the subject.

“So, next Saturday, there’s a hospital Christmas Party, and we’re allowed to bring guests. Do you
wanna
come with me?”

He smiled, “Certainly, I shall request permission tonight. Is there anything I should bring?”

“Well, it’s at the swimming pool, so I guess some swim trunks!”

He looked at me seriously, and I noticed he tugged his sleeve over his wrist. “I don’t think that would be a good idea.”

“Oh… are you worried about your scars?”

His silence was answer enough.

“If I told you not to worry about it, would you still worry?”

He bit his lip, “I do not want other people to be uncomfortable around me. I believe they will be if they could see these scars.” He pulled at the fabric of his shirt
absently,
I could tell he was seeing what the fabric was hiding.

“They don’t make me uncomfortable, you know.”

“Yes, I do know that.”

“Well, you’ll be spending your time with me when we go, so don’t worry about them!”

“That is not the most convincing argument you could have presented, but I admire your persistence.” He sighed, “I do not own any swim trunks, where would I purchase them?”

“Umm, I guess they might have some at the shop down 100
th
avenue. That bargain one. Swimsuits aren’t as popular right now so that’s
prolly
the only place you’ll find them, cause it’s getting cold out.”

Which reminds me, I don’t think he has a proper winter coat either. He showed up in Math today shivering and a bit wet from the snow this morning.

W
as
going to ask him about that, but then what’s-his
-face teacher guy walked in. H
ope
Noah
doesn’t catch a cold. Maybe I’ll bring him one of my old coats tomorrow. I’ve got a red one from a couple years ago that might fit him.

So I dug that old coat out and discovered it needed a button replaced. Luckily, I found a suitable one. The size and weight was the same as all the other ones, but it was black instead of red.

I sewed it on, and then remembered how much I actually enjoy sewing.

Holy crap! I forgot one of my list items!

4. Sew a
marvellous
dress for Terra.

Whoa, number four. I’d better get on that. The fabric store is open for another hour, so I’ve got time!

Okay, I found a nice sundress pattern, and this super cool white fabric with red polka dots on it. I even remembered to buy a zipper for the back.

I also had to go unearth the sewing machine from the downstairs closet. It was under a bunch of dictionaries. I grabbed the small pocket one, cause it looked pretty new, and I lost my other good dictionary the day I had to move all the stuff out of my locker.

Got a good start to the dress,
got all of the pieces cut out, and finished the top part. (Which is always the
hardest part in my opinion.) G
uess I’ll finish it tomorrow, and add some trim.

Whoa
whoa
whoa
. I forgot. Tomorrow is my first session as a nude model. It’s right after school, so I’ll have to bring a duffel bag with all my ‘stuff’ in it.

Nervous
nervous
nervous
!

92 Days, 27 November, Thursday

So today, I brought that coat to Noah, and he seemed really pleased with it.

“Thank you very
much
…” he said softly as he pulled it on.

A
lso did my first
modelling
session today, and, as far as I can tell, it went really well. The ladies were really kind and understanding of my obvious embarrassment.

It was hilarious at the beginning though, because I was getting ready in the Men’s room, just outside of the main studio area, and I could hear Ruth starting the lesson.

“Now ladies, today I have the immense pleasure of presenting a new model for the lesson today.”

There was a bit of murmuring, and then Ruth continued, “His name is-“

Then another lady cut in loudly, “He’s a man
?!?!”

I cracked up so bad in the washroom.
Mostly because of the loud abruptness of that interjection.
All the other ladies giggled in amusement.

“His name is Aerian, you remember, he helped us out before. And he’s a bit nervous, so let’s all
be
mature. Especially you,
Bethie
.”

P
ictured
Bethie
looking around innocently.

T
ied the belt of my robe tightly, and walked out of the washroom, my sandals slapping loudly on the linoleum.

As I walked into the room, the ladies all grinned, and looked me
up and down. W
aved nervously, scratching my head.

They all exchanged looks and smiles, and various little comments like, “Oh his hair is lovely” and “Isn’t he
darling
?
”.