In Name Only (41 page)

It was dark,
although she could see faint light coming from beneath David’s door.  She crept
up to his door and listened.  She reached her hand out to knock, then pulled
back. She heard a smacking noise, as if something had fallen to the floor, then
a sigh. She waited for a moment, then knocked. “David?”

He swung open the
door.  “I’m sorry if I woke you, Caroline.  I’m moving furniture around.” His
nightshirt hung loosely around his body.

“You’re moving
furniture at one a.m.?” she asked, entering his room

“I couldn’t
sleep.”

“No need to
apologize. I was just concerned.”

“Caroline, I. .
.”

“What is it?”

He remained still
for a few moments. Caroline moved closer to him, their bodies almost touching.
The only noise in the room was the crackling in the fire behind them.  Her hand
gently brushed his cheek and she whispered, “David.”

With his hands
cradling both sides of her face, he kissed the top of her head.  She could feel
his warm breath caressing her forehead, her heart now beating rapidly.

David leaned down
and kissed her lips, softly at first, and soon, the kiss deepened.  She didn’t
stop nor break off the kiss, but her eyes now began to tear. Despite her
long-held grief – or maybe because of it – she kissed him with great passion
and for a moment, she was kissing Liam. It wasn’t him, she knew that, but she
needed to kiss him one last time.  All at once, David was kissing her tears,
tasting her pain, taking her grief away.  She began to weep. He stopped and
held her to his chest.

“I miss him,” her
voice was muffled.

“I know.”  He
paused. “Caroline?”

She nodded, but
kept her face pressed against his chest.

“Perhaps we ought
to remain as brother and sister,” he whispered.

Caroline kept
silent as he continued to speak.

“I want what’s
best for you and Kathleen.  I’m very thankful that we’ve developed such a
close. . .friendship.”

She lifted her
face from his chest and gazed into his dark blue eyes. He truly was one of the
most handsome men she had ever met, but his eyes now seemed to regard her with
such tenderness that it made him all the more beautiful to her.  This
expression was so different from his original provocative look.

“I should think
that it has become more than a friendship, David.”

“Isn’t that what
you said at the pond a few weeks ago, Caroline, that you wanted us to have a
good friendship?”

She wiped her
eyes and smiled at his playful teasing. “Yes, I suppose I did say that.”

Kathleen’s
whimpering caused them both to turn their heads in the direction of Caroline’s
room.  “Allow me, Caroline.”

She followed him
as he rushed to her room, stood over Kathleen’s small bed and lifted her up
into his arms.  “Shhh, Kathleen, shhh.”

“Papa, the pooka,
the pooka, hurt me.”

“They’re not
going to hurt you, Kat.  I’m right here.”

“The pooka?”
Caroline asked.

“Yes,” replied
David, “I told her an Irish folk tale about. . .well, perhaps I was a little
too descriptive.”

“Papa, it’s
dark.”

“Oh, no,” he
responded.

“Couldn’t see
Mama.”

“Look, she’s
right here.”  Caroline stepped forward and rubbed Kathleen’s arm.

“I didn’t light
the lamp tonight because she hasn’t woken up in the past week or so.”

David nodded,
then whispered to his daughter.  “Papa’s going to light this for you and we’ll
keep it down low so it’s not too bright.”

Her small blonde
head leaned against his neck.

“Papa and Mama
will stay here with you until you fall asleep.”

David gently laid
her down and she turned over onto her stomach.  He covered her with the small
blanket.  He stood by her crib and watched her as she turned over and closed
her eyes.  Caroline studied him, his eyes intently focused on her daughter’s
small form, as he caressed her hair and face.  Kathleen now started breathing
deeply.

When Caroline
glanced at David, she could see that a small piece of his dark wavy hair had
fallen forward on his forehead, and instinctively, Caroline reached out her
hand and brushed it back into place.  As she was withdrawing her hand, he took
hold of it and tenderly kissed her palm. His eyes now caught hers, her heart
began to pound and she became breathless.

Kathleen quietly
moaned and, distracted, they let out a collective sigh.  Still standing, she
leaned her head on his chest as he put his arm around her shoulder.

“David?”

“Yes?”

“I’m very happy
that I’m your wife.”

“Truly?”

Caroline nodded.

“I should return
to my room now.”

“Yes.”

“Good night,” he
said, then kissed the top of her head.

He walked through
the doorway, the darkness hiding his expression.  Part of her had wished he had
remained in her room.  She banished the thought and moved to the bed.

*  *  *

David nervously
paced back and forth.  How was he supposed to sleep when Caroline’s growing
attraction to him was making it more and more difficult to maintain his self-control? 
Continency was definitely easier when she was ignoring him. But he would not,
could not, ever hurt her or use her for his own pleasure. She was confused, as
evidenced by her sobbing, but it would be his responsibility to keep their
physical relationship from going any further.

That all seemed
well and good when one was rational, but he had to admit that he was not very
rational around her.  The scent of her hair, her soft skin and voice were
enough to make him lose control. He knelt down beside his bed and prayed.

*  *  *

An hour later,
Caroline stared at the soft light from the lamp, unable to sleep, listening to
her daughter’s soft breathing.  She added a log to the fire, then picked up a
novel from her bedside table and sat on the chair by the hearth.  She opened
the book, but quickly closed it again. 

Caroline began to
nervously turn the wedding ring on her left hand.  Before now, she had never
considered taking it off.  After Liam had died and she had married David, when
it came time in the ceremony for a ring to be blessed, Caroline had simply
removed her present band and handed it to the minister before David placed it
back on her hand.  There was no need to use another ring.  Now, she wondered
whether she ought to remove it.

She slowly pulled
it from her finger and was surprised at how easily it slid off. She held it in
the palm of her hand for a few moments.  This piece of gold symbolized her
union with Liam.  She kept it in her hand for a few moments.  Caroline lifted
up the top of Liam’s cigar box and gently laid the ring on top of his other
items.

She could not
deny her affection for David.  She wanted to be closer to him.  He was her
husband now, wasn’t he? 

Caroline studied
Kathleen in her crib.  She was about as sound asleep as she had ever seen her. 
The past week or so, she slept without interruption, without even one nightmare. 
She had already woken up once.  Perhaps, she could slip out quietly.  Before
Caroline knew it, she was standing in the hallway in front of David’s door. 
She knocked quietly. He opened it and his eyes widened.

“Caroline!  Is
anything wrong?”  He was still dressed in a knee length nightshirt.

She opened her
mouth to speak, but nothing came out.  Instead, she shook her head. He looked
at her with such care and tenderness that, in that moment, with no rational
thought, she leaned up to kiss him.  At first, he seemed to surrender to their
growing passion, then he forcefully pushed himself away and held her at arm’s
length.

“Caroline,” he
whispered.  “We’re still in the hallway. Don’t you think we should...”

She nodded.  He
pulled her inside and closed the door.  He backed away. As she started to move
toward him, he held up his hand.  “Wait.”

“You don’t want
to?”

“Caroline,
please.  I want to, yes, of course. Do you know what you’re doing?”

“What would make
you think I don’t know what I’m doing?” Caroline stared at him for several
moments, wondering whether she had make a mistake in coming to his room. 

“I don’t know.  I
just want to make sure we can make a clear decision.”

“Clear?”

“Just a moment. 
I need to add another log.”  He crouched down and stoked the fire, threw in a
piece of maple, then stared into the flames.

Caroline reached
out to touch his back and he immediately stood up.

“Caroline. . .”

“David, I love
you.  This wouldn’t be wrong; we are married, aren’t we?”

“Yes, but don’t
you see that if we went through with this, there would be no turning back.”

“I do not wish to
turn back.  It is my desire to be married to you.”

David’s
expression, though still guarded, softened.  “Caroline, you can’t begin to
imagine how much I want this, but it needs to be for the right. . .”

“David,” she
whispered, “If you don’t want. . .”

“I do, but I want
for us to desire it for the right reasons.”

“Very well.”

“And I will need
to speak with Father Flaherty.”

Caroline stood
beside him, her nightgown-clad body touching his.  She caressed his cheek, the
soft stubble of his jaw.

“I’m not as good
as you think I am.  I. . .have made mistakes.”

“I know and I am
willing to accept you with them.”

“You don’t
understand, Caroline.”

“David, I want to
be truly married to you.”

Chapter 50

Father Flaherty
smiled as David came up the center aisle of the Cathedral. The priest offered
his hand and David shook it. “To what do I owe this unexpected visit, David?”

“I must speak
with you about an urgent matter, Father.”

He led him toward
a small room off the sanctuary.

“I must know
whether my marriage is. . .whether it is a marriage in the eyes of the Church.”

“David, if you or
Mrs. O’Donovan felt in any way forced to enter into this marriage, then it is
not a marriage in the eyes of the Church. From what you’ve told me before, this
sounds like it is the case. But I would need to speak with Mrs. O’Donovan as
well.”

“Yes, very well.”

“You’ve said
before that while part of you felt forced, you wanted to marry your wife
because you loved her, even back then?”

“Yes, Father. But
I did not expect it to be anything other than a marriage in name only.”

“What about your
wife?”

“I can’t speak
for her, but I would guess that she will say that she especially felt forced
and did not truly mean the words of the marriage vows.”

“Also, if there
was no intention to consummate the marriage, then it would not be considered a
marriage.”

“Again, I can’t
speak for Caroline, but I’m certain she had no intention of doing so.” 

“I must speak
with her as well. If that is the case, it will be necessary to perform another
ceremony, if you wish to enter into a sacramental marriage.”

“Yes, I do.” He
paused.  “When could we meet?”

“Would Thursday
suit you and Mrs. O’Donovan?”

“Yes, Father, I
suppose that will be fine.”

“Are you living
as brother and sister?”

“Yes, of course.”

“Fine. We can
schedule a date for the ceremony for after January 6th.”

David’s eyes
widened and he lowered his head.

“Is something
wrong, David?”

“That’s three
weeks from now, Father.  Why couldn’t we get married sooner?”

“Church law
forbids any marriage to take place in Advent, until after the Feast of the
Epiphany.”

“I see.”

“Besides, it’s
preferable to leave it for a month or so to allow both you and Mrs. O’Donovan
to reflect on the commitment you’re about to make.  And it will be necessary to
publicize banns.”

“Banns?”

“Notification on
three consecutive holy days or Sundays of your intent to marry. I expect there
may be numerous people who will step forward to state that you and Mrs.
O’Donovan are already married.”

“Yes, Father.”

“Mrs. O’Donovan
isn’t Catholic?”

“No, she’s not.”

“Then she will
need to promise that the children from this marriage will be raised Catholic.”

“I don’t think
that will be an issue since she has already agreed that our daughter could be
baptized Catholic.”