In Search of Satisfaction (6 page)

The next day, bathed, dressed neatly in things Miss Able had gathered, Yin was found lodging, registered in school, bought clothes with contributions garnered by Miss Able. (Yin did not tell her about the gold.) Yin’s new life began. Thinking of becoming a young lady, she hugged herself with joy. She would be in school and learning; she laughed out loud with pleasure.

Yinyang had not been to school since she had studied with the teacher back home. Students her own age were now beyond her capacity. She stayed with the younger students because she was learning, but she was so embarrassed with the older students teasing her. They say children can be cruel; many children grow to be adults and stay that way.

Yin stuck with school about two years, mostly because of the caring Miss Able. Then, she stopped going a few days a week. Gradually, she quit going all together. Miss Able urged her to continue, because an education would be so important to a young lady. But Yin’s thoughts were already beyond the school.

Yin had taken to stopping at a small, genteel coffee shop each day as she walked home from school. She had noticed the young ladies, only a bit older than she was, talking so excitedly, looking so fresh and lovely in
such becoming clothes. Beautiful clothes, grand hats, superb, laced shoes. With heels! Because she was so well mannered, she had made friends with the serving help and she asked about a job. Wonder of wonders! They hired her to walk around the shop with the silver coffee pot, filling the cups, keeping the coffee warm. Mostly ladies came to the coffee shop. They talked of love, lovers, clothes and things that sound so glamorous. Very few men came.

Yin had continued going to see Miss Able for tutoring, including manners, dress and such. She admired and respected, even loved Miss Able. But Miss Able could not get her to come back to school full-time. Yin had decided she was going to find a man to take care of her so school would not be necessary. A man to settle down with. A man of means, so she could be like the ladies she admired so much.

When Yin thought of it, she was ashamed she had never told Miss Able about the gold and had let the good woman beg for her, but her shame didn’t make her any more honest. She thought of God and His suggestions hardly at all. So she cashed in most of her gold without Miss Abie’s help. With honest help like Miss Abie’s, she would have found out she had enough money to buy a house, a home and all she needed in it. She was cheated, of course. With the money, she bought a wardrobe she thought was equal to the ladies she had envied, to find and attract a man who could give her a home.

During her search for the man of substance, she was used by more than a few. She kept running into men in her same circumstances looking for a woman of substance. If they took her home to an apartment with rich, rented furniture and appointments, she “just knew” this was it! Well, it wasn’t. She gave her virginity, her lovely fresh self, to a liar. A thief. When he left, she had just what they leave you with: a puff of sweetly scented air, dirty sheets, and nothing. Some don’t even leave sweetly scented air. She behaved slavishly toward men in her eagerness to please. Now, you know, most human beings seem to value you less when you make them more important than you are. She was left often and always. She was pretty … but, she was not rich, not even wealthy. And pretty won’t buy anything … unless …

The gentlemen she yearned for, she was not well-bred enough for. Those who might have wanted her sincerely, were not well-bred enough for her and had no means. In seeking places to meet gentlemen (ladies could not go everywhere) she ran into her share of pimps and gamblers.
One pimp of high personal standards for himself (he had none for his women) did indeed steal her heart for awhile. She forgot her plans for a man of means and the “good” life. She was in such need of love by that time, she accepted a substitute, as people will. One she had to work for. He also had other women. Women he treated better. White women. He was white and he was one of those who knew she was not. In time she began to feel insecure, inferior, as, of course, he made her feel. Yinyang found herself in the arms of other men more than she was in the arms of the man she thought she loved. It was for money. Money for him, the man she thought she loved. At his request.

When she thought of God, she frowned and liked Him even less because of what her life was. Yin blamed God even though these were her own choices. To pray was now stupid to her. To pray made her more lonely. Her life went on this way for a couple of long, barren, sad years.

One morning Yin woke up used, hung over from liquor, smelling of smoke and Lord knows who. Her fine dress spotted with the waste of a stranger’s seed. The stale liquor fumes made her think of her mother. Her soiled dress made her think of her losing dreams. She thought of the lovely, tastefully dressed ladies with the lively eyes in the coffee shop. Surely they did not live like this. She thought of Miss Able, the only KIND person she had met. She started to cry when she thought of Josephus Josephus, Pajo.

Suddenly the man came from another room, frowning, “Here, here! What’s this now? Crying!? Are you trying to say I cheated you? Get out of here! Go, now, go! I must have all this mess cleaned out of here anyway! Take your money and go! Tears!? What are you trying to pull? Not another cent are you getting!” He pulled her roughly up. “I’ve been around some. You can’t pull that one on me!” He pushed her toward the door. “Where’s your wrap? Ahh! Here!” He almost threw it to her. “You’re mighty young to have learned so much, so soon! Bad, all bad!” Then she was out the door. As it slammed she heard him muttering, “Trash. All trash. Not near worth my $20 gold piece!”

Yin, still crying, snot trailing down her reddened nose, eyes bleary as she reached frantically into her pockets for the gold piece. Twenty dollars!? She was used to handling smaller money, paper, different metals. Her gold coins had been cashed in and, at that time, she had been given the bundles of cash without division of value per coin. Her youth and inexperience had made her gullible, trusting. Just right to be used in the
devious, bustling city. But she knew it now. And she was supposed to hand this over to her Man since he took care of the rent for her tiny room with cooking privileges in a very questionable area of town. Yin cried even harder.

Stumbling down the hall, down the stairs, through the lobby, oblivious to stares and whispers, she reached the streets. Walking aimlessly as she cried her child-woman heart out, she was thinking of all she had been through since her birth. She did not think of it as violence, but it was. Her life felt like shit and she smelled much the same. Of low life. “What have I done wrong?” she wondered. “Why does my life keep turning out wrong? God?”

The noise of children running down the steps of a church caught her attention. She stopped and stared at the church, feeling a quick sense of the need of God. Was there a home in there? She lifted her spotted frock and, going up the steps, went in.

There was instant quiet inside. Peace. She did not know what to do so she knelt, waiting for God to do something to show her He was real, that He cared. When her knees were tired, she sat, thinking about her life. Thinking of God. But Satan had a friend here in this beautiful church. Yinyang felt a light touch on her shoulder. A soft voice spoke, “My child, do you need help?” The priest had noticed her rumpled condition … and her beauty.

“Oh, sir! Oh!” She burst into tears afresh. The soft voice bespoke kindness. She felt herself lifted gently as the voice continued. “My child, let us go where we may talk without disturbing others. You can cleanse your soul.” She was being led down an aisle, tears held in her eyes by her relief that someone cared, God cared.

“Now, now,” he urged, “tell me what I can do to help rid you of those tears on the face of such a lovely child. Tears do not belong on your face. Such a pretty face. How old are you?”

Between sniffles, Yinyang looked into the soft blue eyes and poured out her whole story, holding back only those things that caused her too much shame. The priest patted and consoled.

He sighed, “You must get away from this man who takes you into such degradation. He does not know what he is doing. God is frowning on the both of you. Do you wish to continue this life?”

“Oh, no! No, I do not! I am ashamed.”

“Then you must get a job, find some means of support that will be cleaner, with a possibility for happiness. Do you agree?”

“But where, sir? How?”

The priest was writing with a tiny pencil on a small sheet of paper.

“You must take this, if you wish to change your life, to a friend of mine. She has a dress shop in an excellent area for a woman such as you will be. She will help you … give you a job.” He handed her the paper. “Er … is that all the money, … gold you have?” Yin nodded yes. He sighed, “Then you must take the gold coin you have. With her help you will find another place. Then pack your things and move where this man will never find you again. Leave nothing behind.”

Yin’s eyes shone with love and gratitude. Her young tears wet his hands as she kissed them. “Oh, thank you, thank you, bless you. When I am settled, I will come back and learn about God. I want to learn how to live a good life. I never meant my life to turn out this way.”

The priest patted her hands which held his so tightly. “Yes, yes. We will see.” He led her to the door, pointing her in the right direction. He had never once mentioned God to her except to say He was frowning.

Yin walked briskly, her spirits lifted, her resolve firm. She thought of Miss Able; perhaps she should tell her everything, regain her friendship, return to school to learn better ways to make her living. Yin almost decided to do it right then that minute, she was so filled with happiness. But, then, Satan pointed to her clothes, her hair, her condition. She looked down at herself, raised her hand to her hair. Shame filled her again and she resolved to see Miss Able as soon as she was settled. Then Satan pushed her age into her mind with the memories of when she was younger and tried to go to school with younger students. Besides, who knew if Miss Able would help her again? Or even where Miss Able was? It had been several years since she had even seen Miss Able. Satan knows how people think and how to help them think. His way, you see.

Finally Yin stood outside the grand, little dress salon. It was more than she had expected. She had spent some of her own money in a few stores like this, but had quickly come to where she could not afford such beautiful creations. She looked down at herself again, almost turning to go away and return another time. Satan nudged her at the same time an extremely well-dressed, short, plump woman opened the door and spoke to her. “Well, now, dear. Do you see something you might like?”

Yin stammered, “Oh, no! Well, yes! You see …”

The woman smiled, “Come in, come in. You can see much better and much more inside.” She reached out a friendly, white hand. “Come in, come in.”

In a moment, Yin was inside, hardly knowing how it all happened. She was embarrassed in the midst of such finery. The few well-dressed salesladies were looking at her. The kind, plump lady waved the bejeweled, soft, white hand to dismiss them. “Would the beautiful, little one like a cup of fine coffee? Come along now, I have just had some made. Miss Will is my name, and what are you called, dear?”

“My name is Yinyang … Krupt,” she added suddenly. Yin winced at this little seeming betrayal of Josephus.

“What a strange, but lovely, name for a lovely, young woman. And how old are you, Yinyang?”

“I am twenty-three now. And people call me Yin.”

Sitting in a soft, luxurious armchair, a saucer balanced on her knees, Yin poured out her story for the second time that day, leaving more out, crying anew. Plump, comforting hands patted. The soft voice soothed. Finally, Yin finished her part of the intimate little talk.

“Well, you dry your lovely eyes right now! That part of your life is over! We shall start all new! First we shall choose a few things for you to wear. Never mind going to … where you live to retrieve anything. You shall come with me. We will get you settled and then see what is to come! You should never have to go back to that life again! You shall stay with me until we know what to do with you. Your decision, of course!”

Yin thought of her papers, her birth certificate. She stood, “Oh, but I have to get some … papers and things that are, may be, important to me.” She saw the frown appear on Miss Will’s face and added hastily, “Oh, but it will only take a moment. I promise.”

Soon, Miss Will was filling Yin’s arms with so many lovely things Yin could scarcely believe this was happening to her. Her dreams! Her eyes and soul all aglow with happiness, she thanked Miss Will, even taking the liberty to kiss the plump cheek in gratitude. She even thanked God, but what He had sent—thoughts of school, returning to the good woman, Miss Able, finding a good and clean comfortable way to live her life, to learn life—she had not taken. Yinyang rushed into the future again, leaving behind all thoughts of returning to Miss Able and school … and seeking God.

Later that night, full of champagne and a sumptuous dinner, sunk in the fresh, clean, soft, downy bed, body covered with a plump-sized, lacy nightgown, Yin could hardly believe her luck. She was just about to thank God, when her door opened and someone came through the darkness to the bed. She could not see anyone, but she could hear their quick, panting breath. Her cover was pulled back by an unseen hand, and a soft, plump voice with a gentle roughness said, “I felt lonely. You are such a nice, lovely, kind, young woman, I want to sleep here, with you.” Miss Will moved easily into the bed. “Sometimes I feel so lonely. I have no one, like you have me, now. Here, put your arms around me … and I will not feel alone anymore.” Yin closed her eyes tight, hoping this was not what she knew it was. She forgot to be thankful for her luck.

“Yes, dear. That’s right. Yes, come closer. Ahhh, you’re a pet. A sweet pet.” Moments passed, Yin’s heart beating fast, her mind disgusted, again. The voice spoke again, softly, “Oh, such warm feet, such warm, smooth legs.” A soft lamp flicked on. “Here, raise your legs so I can see these beautiful things.” Yin raised her legs toward her chest obediently. “Lovely, lovely,” Miss Will continued, as she stroked Yin’s legs. “Yes, dear, you are lovely. Such terrible things have happened to you because of this beauty, you know. Now, we will care for it right, and those horrible things will never happen to you again. MMMMMMmmmmm. Don’t put them down yet, dear. Here, let’s turn this awful, old light out. There. Now, let me feel that lovely, smooth skin. Up a little, up a little, dear. Now … there.” Yin felt her legs caressed, spread open, then the head that greedily sank to its prey. Miss Will knew what she was about. Soon Yin forgot to feel anything but the pleasure spreading through her. She had decided to stay.