In This Moment (24 page)

   
“Well… Cole, did you say?” She smiles warmly and extends her hand. “I’m Elise Spencer. Is there something that I can do for you? Are you here to see Mara, because I’m afraid that we’re just about to take the girls out for a late lunch.”

   
I shake my head to stall. “I… I’m…”

   
“Oh good.” Mara appears in the doorway and grabs ahold of my arm. “You’re here. I wasn’t sure that you’d make it in time.”

   
I’m confused, but I let Mara pull me through the front door. Aimee is in the living room standing next to a man that must be her dad. She’s wearing the same light blue dress that she wore on our first official date and I can’t help but think of that kiss we shared outside the restaurant. When she sees me, she wrinkles her nose and squints her eyes like she’s not sure that I’m really standing there.

   
“This is Cole,” Mara announces to the room.

   
Aimee’s dad steps forward and gives me a long appraising glance before shaking my hand. “Carl Spencer.”

   
“Cole Everly,” I mirror his tone and dart my eyes to Aimee in inquiry. She’s twisting her hair around her finger and staring at her shoes.

   
Behind me, Mrs. Spencer clears her throat. Now that I look closer, I see that this woman’s hair is streaked with amber highlights, and her eyes aren’t nearly as vibrant a blue as Aimee’s. Her right hand is at the base of her throat where her necklace hits her skin. “Cole, would you like to join us for lunch? It’s always nice for Mr. Spencer and I to get to know one of Mara’s friends.”

   
“Mom,” Mara says with a surge of impatience. “Cole isn’t with me. He’s Aimee’s boyfriend and I wanted you both to meet him.”

Aimee

If looks could kill, my sister would have been toast twenty minutes ago. She and I have been waging one of our sisters-only staring contests since we sat down at the restaurant a half an hour ago.

    I have to give a figurative round of applause
to my parents. Despite the frostiness between Mara and me and the fact that Cole is wearing his bathing suit at a restaurant that employs a sommelier, they’re trying. My dad has asked all of the standard parental exploratory questions and Mom’s been nodding along enthusiastically to everything that Cole says. Her head is bobbing so fast that if I weren’t so irritated, I’d probably laugh.

   
“Cole, it seems that Aimee doesn’t tell me much of anything and I can’t help but be curious… How long have you and my daughter been dating?” My mom asks, casually refolding the napkin in her lap.

   
My daughter.

   
Cole’s eyes flick to mine. So far he hasn’t given me much indication how he feels about all of this. He coughs, catches a hand in his hair and runs it down the side of his face. He didn’t shave this morning and there’s a light smattering of fair hair along his square jawline.

   
“Since August,” he says.

   
September would be more accurate but I’m guessing that he doesn’t want to get into all of that right now.

   
“August?” The hurt in her voice hits me squarely in the chest. “That’s quite awhile. I wish…” she sighs and looks at me. “I wish that you felt like you could talk to me.”

   
I squeeze my eyes and take a deep breath. “Mom…” This has to be the most awkward lunch in the history of ever.

   
“Aimee? Mara?”

   
Scratch that. It just got a lot more awkward.

   
I turn and see Brian St. John standing just behind my chair where the aisle opens up to the main dining room of the restaurant. His raven hair is longer than it was the last time I saw him and curls just around the edges of his ears. He’s got on a soft blue button down and dark grey pants. I’m so surprised and he looks so good that it takes me a moment to register that there’s a girl standing next to him.

    “Brian!” My dad bellows
. “Nice to see you, son.”

   
Son.
My God. Both of my parents are standing up to shake Brian’s hand. Big smiles on their faces, they start in on him with the questions.
Yes
, he’s in school.
Yes
, his parents are doing well.
Yes,
his dad still plays golf at the club twice a week.
No
, he can’t believe that I’m back and didn’t call him. Brian looks at me then. I mean, really looks at me with his large brown eyes and it’s obvious that he’s crestfallen and hopeful all at once.

   
“Forgive my manners. I’m Elise Spencer,” my mom says politely, her eyes trained on the girl standing beside Brian.

   
Brian falters. “Oh, sorry. Sara, let me introduce the Spencers. Carl, Elise, Aimee and Mara.” He nods at each of us in turn. “This is my friend, Sara.”

    S
ara’s eyes swing to Brian’s face and I get the impression that she doesn’t like the way he just threw around the word
friend,
but she recovers quickly and shakes everyone’s hands. She’s tall—taller than me for sure, with cropped brown hair and warm hazel eyes.

   
“So…” Brian glances at Cole and takes note of the thin t-shirt, bathing suit and stiff shoulders. “Who’s this?”

Cole

I don’t do the jealousy thing. I never have. I’ve always told my friends that there’s no chick out there worth getting your panties in such a tight wad. And until today, I believed myself.

   
When this Brian prick walks up, at first I don’t recognize the chill that zips down from my scalp to my groin. What the hell? Then it hits me like a rock on the head.
Jealousy.
Fuck me.

    Brian St. John has dark hair that’s flipped and messy in a way that girls dig. And here he is prancing around our table in an ironed button down shirt and slacks while I’m wearing a goddamn t-shirt and board shorts because I had no idea that this was meet-the-parents day.

    While everyone else is chitchatting, I clench my jaw and move my hands to my lap. It’s crystal fucking clear that Aimee and this Brian guy have a history. He
knows
her. He knows her parents and they know him. Shit. They seem to love him. And it doesn’t matter that he has some cute chick on his arm because I can tell that he’s got a thing for Aimee.

Aimee

I can see that Cole is annoyed. It takes every scrap of my will not to climb into his lap right in front of my parents and tell him that Brian St. John is not even a blip on my radar.

   
“We have to get going.” Brian coughs, shakes his head slowly. “It was… Aimee, it was really good to see you.” His fingers wrap over my shoulder and he leans in to kiss my cheek, his mouth lingering on my flushed skin too long.

   
“Ahh, you too,” I say, blinking heavily as I jerk my head away.

   
Brian smiles. “Call me sometime so we can catch up. My number is the same.”

   
I’m not sure how to respond so I just nod my head and watch Brian and his date walk away. When I turn my attention back to the table, Cole is staring at me with guarded eyes like he doesn’t want me to see what’s moving behind them, and his mouth is compressed in a hard, unyielding line.

   
Despite the best efforts of my parents, the climate during the rest of lunch is frigid. No one says much on the ride home and when my dad reverses into a spot on the street in front of the townhouse, Mara jumps out of the car before it’s come to a full stop. She waves to our parents over her shoulder and dashes up the walkway in a sad attempt to put off the inevitable confrontation with me for as long as possible.

   
Cole won’t look at me directly, but he continues to talk to my parents and even agrees to come out to the house for my dad’s company party next week. When all of the niceties are over and we’re standing on the sidewalk watching them go, I shake my head and blow a strand of hair out of my face. “I guess my sister really threw us under the bus.”

   
He stabs his gaze at me but only mumbles something that I can’t make out.

   
I shake myself and push forward. “So, um, thanks for coming to eat with my family. It was… interesting.”

   
“Yep,” Cole says blandly, fishing his keys out.

   
“And you don’t have to come to that party that my mom mentioned. I’m sure that it’s going to be awful. All of their country club friends and my dad’s clients in one place… Talk about a nightmare.”

   
“I’ll think about it,” he says, shifting his weight to one hip.

   
“Do you want to come inside?” I press, swallowing down my nervous energy.

   “Nah.” With shadowed eyes, Cole dangles the keys in front of himself like some kind of explanation. “I’m going to head home. I’ve got some stuff to do.”

   
Stuff to do?
Is he really this irritated about Brian?

   
My feet are nailed in place. I can’t put it into words—the feeling like I’m trying to hold water but it’s slipping through my fingers. Cole makes his way round the hood of the truck and unlocks the door before I’ve worked up the nerve to speak. “Cole?”

   
He straightens his spine and takes his hand off the door handle. “Yeah?”

   
I open my mouth, falter, take a breath and try again. “Why did you come over today? I thought you had practice all day.”

   
“I lied about that. I had a whole thing planned for us. I wanted to take you to the beach.”

   
“Oh,” I say, summoning a smile that feels all wrong on my face. “That would have been nice…”
Nice?
What a boring adjective. A flush creeps over my features. “Will I see you later?”

   
He inclines his chin and gives a non-committal shrug, effectively sidestepping my question. “We’ll see.”

Aimee

I
splash my face with water and stare at my reflection. I want to hit something. I want to toss myself onto my bed and scream bloody murder into my pillow. I saw Brian St. John today. My mom is going to want to have one of her “talks” with me. My sister and I are in a fight. Cole would hardly look at me.

   
I don’t think about what I’m doing. I pull my hair into a high ponytail and use an exfoliating sponge to scrub my make-up off. My face is blotchy red and there are still dark smudges under my eyes from the rubbed off mascara but I don’t mind. I feel bad so I might as well look bad, right? Bending my arm awkwardly behind my back, I grip the zipper and slip out of the dress I wore on that first date with Cole. I leave it rumpled on the floor by the bathroom and go look for a sports bra and a pair of cotton workout shorts. My running shoes are over by the window.

   
Today I don’t stretch. I don’t take it easy. I run full out and I don’t stop even when I start to feel sick to my stomach and everything blurs like I’m trying to look through water. I push myself harder, pounding the pavement like I’ve got a point to prove to my legs.

   
I don’t think about where I’m headed until I’m standing at the door, my hands steadied on my hips for support, wheezing like an asthmatic. Sweat gathers in heavy droplets on the end of my nose and steadily drips down my neck.

   
Wiping my face with the bottom of my shirt, I look up and see that Cole’s silver truck is in the driveway so I know that he’s home. I take a deep breath and lift my hand. I’m not a hundred percent that I’m going to go through with it until my finger actually depresses the doorbell.

   
I hear some minor shuffling beyond the door and muffled voices. Someone laughs. Daniel Kearns swings the door wide. He’s shirtless, carrying a bowl of popcorn under one arm.

   
“Hey there,” Daniel says, rearing his head back. He’s surprised to see me but not in a bad way.

   
“H-hey,” I say, still catching my breath and rubbing my sweaty cheek against my shoulder.

   
He steps back from the doorway to let me inside. “If you’re looking for Cole, he’s back in his room.”

   
I step over a pile of discarded gym bags. The hall opens up into one large room with a slanted ceiling and wide bay windows. Right now, the back blinds are drawn shut, casting the room in inky shadows. The entire place reeks of stale pizza and the cheaply made coffee table is littered with empty amber beer bottles. Adam’s prized bong collection is lined up on a shelf above the TV. Typical.

   
Nate is sitting on the couch—legs spread wide, arms braced on his knees—playing a video game. He glances up and smirks at me. “Hi-ya girl. So tell us… What the hell crawled up Cole’s ass and made a new home there?”

   
My eyebrows go up toward my hairline. “What do you mean?”

   
“He stomped in here a while ago, tripped over Adam’s sneakers, threw some shit around and then disappeared into his room and cranked his music up to ear-splitting.”

   
I can hear the music crashing through the walls. I grimace. “It’s—we had lunch with my parents and… I don’t know. It went okay, but then it didn’t.” I shake my head to clear it. “I’ll go talk to him.”

   
“Here,” Daniel says as he comes out of the kitchen holding a bottle of water. “Take this with you. And don’t let him give you any of his shit.”

   
“Thanks.” I smile warily and roll the cold bottle of water across my hot forehead.

   
The feral music gets louder as I walk down the hall. I give two warning knocks against the door before pushing it open. It’s go-time.

   
“What the fu—” Cole stops yelling when he sees that it’s me standing there. He’s stripped down to just his bathing suit, hunched over on the edge of his bed with his head resting in his hands. He looks like shit and a small part of me wonders if it was a bad idea to come here.

   
Sucking in one more breath for courage, I shut the door behind myself and walk over to his computer to mute the music.

   
The room prickles with the sudden and charged quiet. “We need to talk.”

   
Cole crosses an arm over his bare chest defensively. “So, talk.”

   
I take four deliberate steps to stand in front of him. Resting my fingers under his jaw, I pull his head up so that his face is level with my navel.

   
“Look,” I begin carefully. “I’m sorry about today. I really am. I know that meeting my parents should never have happened the way that it did. And I know that lying to you about my plans this afternoon was incredibly stupid.”

   
Cole lifts his eyebrows slightly. “How come you never mentioned me to your parents? Are you embarrassed to be with me?”

   
“No, I—” I’m momentarily thrown. How could he ever think that I would be embarrassed? Cole is amazing. I’ve witnessed firsthand the blinding effect that he has on people, especially girls. They can’t even think clearly around him.
He’s athletic and gorgeous and smart and fun and…
My thoughts fade out and I sigh. “Cole, I’m not embarrassed. Not even close. You’re everything that I’m not and I can barely get my head wrapped around the fact that you looked at me twice. I-I’ve spent so much energy trying to gain some kind of… control over my life, and when I’m around you that just flies away. It scares me.”

    He doesn’t speak so I continue. “I didn’t tell my parents because… I don’t know. I just didn’t. And I
understand that you’re mad and maybe annoyed or whatever, but I have to ask you a question. Have you ever said anything to your dad about me?”

    He
tightens his jaw and flicks his eyes to mine. “That’s not fair. I’ve told So—”

   
“Have you told your dad about me?” I repeat my question.

   
“No. But I don’t talk to my dad about shit, Aimee. He’s far away, and aside from his work, he lives his entire life like he’s in a fucking coma. It’s amazing that he knows my sister’s name let alone my girlfriend’s name. So don’t ask me about my mom or my dad like that can buy you some kind of currency. It’s not the same thing because we don’t have what you have with your parents.”

   
“Wake up, Cole. How can you not see that what I currently have with my parents is just as dysfunctional as what you’ve got with yours? My dad and I used to be close. He came to every single one of my meets and cheered me on. He loved taking me to his club and showing me off. Now? I’m an embarrassment! Everyone knows what a big, fat failure of a human being I am and my dad doesn’t know how to handle that. Since Jillian died, he barely speaks to me. And my mom? She only says things
at
me. It’s like both of them think that I’m going to kill myself at any moment or come up with some new way to ruin my life. Do you know what that feels like? To have every person in your life staring at you, just waiting for you to fall apart?” I take a shaky breath. “And I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings but… I-I just wasn’t ready to tell them about us. They’d have questions and I wasn’t ready to answer them because I… I don’t know…”

   
I watch him think about this. “And what about Brian?”

   
“What
about
Brian?”

   
His golden hair tumbles low over his forehead as he rolls his shoulders forward and shakes his head. “It’s obvious that something was going on there.”

   
“Are you being serious, Cole? Do you really want to play the ex game with me?” I choke on a laugh. “Because I assure that I’ll win. Should I describe in detail all of the nasty looks that I get just for standing next to you? Or the smug smiles from the random girls that you’ve screwed? Do you know how that burns? How it twists my guts and makes me feel like I’m deluding myself to think I’ll be enough for you? Every day, I wonder when you’ll wake up and get sick of me.”

    “I’m not…” He shakes his head. “You don’t understand. Those girls? They meant nothing. I barely remember their names.”

    “Is that supposed to make me feel better? All that does is make me think that one day you’ll forget my name.” I force myself to keep going against the wave of emotion trying to pull me under. “I want to trust you but I’m scared.”

   
He cranes his neck so that his gaze is locked onto mine. “I’m scared too.” A long pause. When he finally speaks, his voice is low and soft and I can tell that the earlier anger is gone. “Sometimes I feel like I’m just going to wake up one morning and you won’t be in bed with me. You’ll be gone for good.”

    “Why
would you think that?” I croak.

   
He lowers his face and rubs his stubbly cheeks between his hands.

   
Dropping to my knees and placing the water bottle on the edge of the bed, I rake my fingers through his hair and bend his face to mine. The skin of his scalp is smooth and cool beneath my nails. Butterfly wings beat in my chest, sending a ripple of vibrations through my limbs. “Cole, why would you think that?”

   
His intense green eyes squeeze me. He spreads his hands open in a gesture of frustration. “Because you won’t tell me anything. Because you keep so much inside of you that I’m not sure that I’m imagining that what we have is real or if it’s all in my head.”

   
As I slide my hand to the back of his neck, the thrum of my heart goes up my throat and falls down to the bottom of my stomach.

   
Words crowd behind my lips. I’m afraid to speak. Afraid that once the seal is cracked, everything will come pouring out.

   
I take his right hand in my left one and turn it over so that his palm is facing up. Slowly, so that he knows that I mean it, I trace the words on his skin that I can’t make myself say. He watches me, eyelids lowered in concentration as he follows the outline of each letter. His knee brushes my shoulder and his breath tickles my sweaty skin and sends a wave of goose bumps over my bare arms.

   
Three simple words.

   
This is real.

Cole

I end up taking her to the beach after all. It’s dark, so instead of trudging our stuff down to the sand, I park on the side of the road in an empty lot that hugs the coast. I go first and Aimee follows me around to the back of the truck. I shift the cooler out the way and we each take one side of the blanket and lay it out under the watchful night sky.

    Scooting until
my back is against the cab, I loop my arm under her waist and pull her to me so that I can feel her heart thumping through her skin. I twist her ponytail out of the way and bend down to kiss that space between her neck and her shoulder.

   
“Don’t,” she says seriously, jerking her chin back. “I’m gross.”

   
She’s still in just a sports bra and shorts from her run earlier and she’s tangy and warm like the ocean. Grinning mischievously, I kiss her neck again and this time I run my tongue up her neck to her jaw. She swats at my head but she’s laughing.

   
“I told you that I’m gross!”

   
“You’re wrong,” I tell her, laughter lifting my chest. “You’re perfect and I want all of you. Even the sweaty parts.”

Aimee

It’s nice like this—lying with Cole in the back of his truck with the sound of waves licking the shore feather-soft in my ears. The moon is a white fingernail clipping at the top of the dark sky. Splinters of pale starlight push their way through a veil of low ash-colored clouds.

   
I’m not sure how much to tell him and how much to hold back, but I know that I need to let him inside of me and this is the only way that I know how. I’m sick of trying to hold so many pieces together with just my bare hands.

   
I suck one cheek into my mouth, suddenly worried that the back of Cole’s truck isn’t big enough to contain all that I have to say. “I always think that one day I’ll wake up and I just won’t remember her anymore.”

   
“Is that what you want?” He asks me.

   
“No. Maybe. I don’t know.” I shake my head sharply. Forgetting feels like a lie. “If I think about having her and losing her or not having her at all, I’d still want to have her.”

   
When I close my eyes, the blood in my body rushes up to the surface of my skin.

   
Cold water poured in over my flailing arms onto my lap and flowed down the path of my legs. The coppery taste of blood coated my tongue. I sputtered, blinked against the terrible, burbling darkness and the tears. “J-Jilly?” A flash of pain sliced through me from my neck to my shoulder and I screamed—almost choking on the sound of my own fear.