Inconsequential (J+P series) (6 page)

Chapter 11

I liked Christmas, so why would this year be any different?  Christmas, for me, was asking and hoping for things you really wanted and being disappointed by each gift. It seemed everyone, including Santa, knew what I “needed” or should have which differed greatly from my wish list.  In the end I got a new trapper keeper, some socks, stamps and stationery, and a few sweatshirts that were 2 sizes too big for me.

“Why did you buy the wrong size shirt?” I asked my mom, though I wasn’t sure I actually wanted to hear the response.  “Last year the clothes you bought were too small, and this year they are too big.”

“I thought you might need them bigger since you had put on weight when you weren’t living under our roof.”  That was such a horrible thing to say.  She had no concept of how mean she was to me.

“Well, as you can see, I must not have gained any weight this year because I am floating in this shirt.  I don’t want it.  Sorry.”  I tossed the shirts aside.

“You should keep them, you’ll probably grow into them…” but I didn’t hear the rest because I walked quickly back to my room.  Presents were over and she had her little smack in my face with the last one opened.  I didn’t need to stand around and hear anymore of her comments.  Walking away was a big step for me.  I was not ready to have an all-out verbal battle with her, but I could decide not to hear anymore and walk away.

In my room I turned on my computer and checked for email.  I had an email from everyone except Greg.  Jen was having an amazing break, Mags was enjoying time with her family but was already missing Tim, David was glad to be home and Jared said he was thinking about me and hoping my break was going ok.  He hoped the rune would help me out.  I couldn’t believe I still had not heard from Greg.  I suspected he was going to flake out on me for the concert, and I was feeling disappointed.  I didn’t want to lose Greg as a friend.   I could forget the kiss, why couldn’t he?  I wrote a few ‘Merry Christmas’ emails and headed out to get ready for our guests.

I was put in charge of watching the 10 and under group.  I even had to sit at the kiddie table.  I’d come to accept that I may never graduate to the adult table.  I’d probably be 45 with teen kids of my own and STILL sitting at the kids’ table.  Occasionally an aunt or uncle would come to the basement to chat with me about college.  They mostly reminisced about their fun time at college and asked me very few questions about my own experience.  I actually enjoyed my extended family, which made the holiday a little more tolerable.  When the food was put out I decided to only fill my plate half full.  I had made the mistake in the past of sampling a little bit of everything, which filled my plate and caused quite a scene of tsking and negative comments from my mother.  But even the half-filled plate did not go unnoticed. 

“I’m proud of you.  Watching your waist finally.”  My mother said.  I didn’t want that kind of attention either.  I wanted to be able to get food without any comment.  No one else at the party commented on other people’s plates, I hated always being under scrutiny.  I rolled my eyes and walked away, heading to the safety of the children and preteens in the basement.  After eating, I played a few games of pool with my oldest cousin.  He was pretty good and enjoyed the competition. 

Once the last guests left, we cleaned up.  I was so tired from all the party prep and festivities that I could feel myself being overemotional.  I was trying not to think about my friends at college but I missed them terribly.  I also thought about Greg.  He was such a fun and close friend, what happened?  I mean, even if he thought I was a sucky kisser, surely that wouldn’t be enough to scare him away?  I wasn’t overly obnoxious afterward so why was he distancing himself from me.  It was killing me.  I couldn’t lose him out of my life.  I was scrubbing the dishes and I could feel a few tears at the corners of my eyes.  I sniffled and wiped them away. 

“What’s going on Perry?”  My mom asked, “You getting sick or something?”

“I don’t know, I don’t feel well.  Probably just tired.”

“Well, just a few more dishes and then you can head to bed.”  I nodded in reply to her and kept scrubbing.  The concert was in 2 days.  I would have to wait to see if time helped him figure things out.

After the dishes, I washed up and checked my email.  There was one from Greg and it read:

Merry Christmas Perry.

Greg

At least he had written.  It was better than nothing, but not much better.

******

Tonight was the concert and I was so psyched.  I loved seeing bands live and feeling the energy of the crowd.  I put on my skinny black jeans, my clingy striped tee, my black leather wrist bands, and way too much eyeliner.  I looked pretty badass.  I messed my hair up a little more and then headed to put my Chuck Taylors on.

“Where are you going tonight?” My dad asked.

“A concert with Danielle and Greg.  I should be home before midnight.”

“Watch out for those druggies.”  My parents hated me going to concerts.

“Bye Dad, I love you.”  I hurried to the car to pick up my friend Danielle.

Greg was meeting us at the concert venue.  I didn’t know what to expect and I wasn’t sure how to approach him.  I wasn’t even sure if he would even show.  When Danielle and I pulled up to the venue I saw him leaning against the brick wall.  He was an attractive guy, but his amazing personality made him even more of a catch.  I couldn’t help but smile seeing one of my closest friends here outside of school.

“Hey stranger” I teased.  Greg looked up at me but there was a seriousness to him.  So I would not have my usual fun Greg tonight.  I hoped the night would not be awkward.

“Hey Perry.  Who’s this?”  He nodded his head toward Danielle.

“This is one of my high school friends.  She’s a huge fan and she also got a ticket to the concert as a Christmas present.”

“Cool,” was all he said and we headed into the club.  The opening band had started their set.  None of us liked the band so we shopped the t-shirts and merchandise booths.  We each bought t-shirts, though each was different.  Then we grabbed a drink from the bar and headed toward the side of the stage.  Our plan was to hang out on the side and then make our way toward the front when the first band wrapped up.

I enjoyed people watching because the fans dressed wild for the show.  There were so many guys at the gig with eyeliner that Greg looked out of place.  I tilted my head toward him and hollered “Better watch who you hit on tonight, it’s hard to tell who is a girl and who is a guy with all the makeup out there.”  He just nodded in response.

As the concert went on, I realized that Greg was doing the bare minimum for interacting with me.  He only responded to my questions, and did so in the simplest answer he could think of.  I was losing him.  How could I fix this?   My efforts to talk to him weren’t helping so I made a decision to not say anything more to him.  The band was incredible, but I didn’t enjoy myself.

The last song wrapped and the clubs lights came on signaling the end of the show. “Bye Greg.” I waved and he waved back as he headed toward the parking lot after the gig.

“What the hell was that about?” Danielle said.  “He had the personality of a dead fish.  Are there no fun people to befriend at college Perry?”

“I think I just lost one of my dearest friends and I don’t know how to undo it.  Greg is usually one of the most charismatic guys.”  I explained what had happened with the kiss and Danielle seemed just as perplexed as I did.  “I must be a super sucky kisser huh?”

“Why would you say that?”

“Because, we kissed and he wants nothing to do with me now - not even have a friendship.  Must have sucked.”

Danielle snickered, “If it sucked that bad, why did you guys suck face for like 10 minutes?  If it was a terrible kiss he would have ended it sooner.”

“It was the liquor.  Probably had his beer goggles on and didn’t realize who he was kissing.”

“B.S. He knew exactly who he was kissing.  You guys were amazing friends before this, there was some attraction and underlying love that pulled you guys into that kiss.” Danielle commented.

“Yeah, well now what?  My friend is a shell around me.  I hate it.  I’d do anything to get him back.”  I felt so much sadness inside.  Greg was so important in my life. 

“Talk to him Perry.  Tell him that you’d rather forget the kiss happened so you could be friends again.”

“You’re right. I’ll do it when I get back on campus.  Thanks for coming tonight.  It helped having you there and it was great seeing you again.”

“You too and good luck.  Thanks for the rockin’ present, I loved it.” Danielle waved goodbye.

I had a few more days of break to think up a plan before heading back to college... 

Chapter 12

The rest of break I tried to not stir the waters.  I stayed home and did countless chores.  I tried to hide away in my room during downtime.  I’d email, surf the web, or read books.  When I did have to interact with my parents I tried different methods to stop the criticizing aimed at me.  Since I had kept my weight down this year, my mom had become hyper-focused on my hair.  There was always something not right about me.  I would look in the mirror and try and see the flaws she saw.  “It looks frizzy”, “You look like a rat made a home in there.”, “there is no shine to your hair - it must be dead.”, “You need to eat better, your hair is too thin.”  That last one was my favorite because I wasn’t sure if I should eat or shouldn’t eat.  I was damned if I did, damned if I didn’t. 

I first tried ignoring it and telling myself that I was pretty enough and that I had awesome hair.  But somehow, after hearing negative comments on a daily basis, they crept into my subconscious.  By the end of break I was looking in the mirror and hating how it looked.  I was aware that I had loved my hair prior to break and promised myself that I wouldn’t change it, I wouldn’t change it for her.  But when you don’t feel loved by your mom and are compared to every other girl in the world, you do stupid things to try and gain favor in your mom’s eyes.  Every child wants to be loved by their parents.  Unconditionally.  So the day before break I broke the promise to myself.

“Oh, it’s gonna be great.  You’ll feel so much better when it’s done.”  My mom said with a smile.  She approached the stylist with cash and whispered to her.

“Are you ready for your new look sweetie?” The stylist asked.  I wasn’t sure I wanted her cutting my hair.  She looked like an outdated mom from the 80’s with her hair feathered on the sides and frosted tips.  But I looked at my mom and she seemed genuinely happy.

“I guess... not too short please.”

An hour later I had a chin length haircut and a self-esteem of 0.  I hated how I looked, but my mom seemed happy and that was more important at that moment than what I felt.

“It’s so adorable and it’s gonna be so easy to style it nicely.  I think you owe me a big ‘thank you’ for taking you today,” my mom beamed.

“Thanks mom.” I echoed, but inside I didn’t feel thankful, I hated it.

When we came home my dad looked at me.

“Look how cute Perry is!  Don’t you love it?!” My mom bragged.

“Yeah, if you like poodles.”  I thought he would correct himself or add that he was just joking, but he never did.  He truly thought it looked awful.  What had I done?  I knew it would grow back but it would take a long time. 

“I’m gonna take a shower.” I announced.

In the shower, I washed out all the foofy product so that my hair just would just have gentle waves.  I didn’t cry about the haircut, I think that even though I didn’t care for my hair, the thought that I had finally made my mom happy had soothed me.  Surely I could make this hair cute in some way.  I toweled off and spent 45 minutes on my hair.  In the end I used a ton of product to keep it from looking like an afro.  I felt like crying.  I had lost over 7 inches in length of hair and I looked completely different.

Chuck came after lunch the next day to take me back to school.  My parents paid him gas money and tip to take me to and from college and he was happy to make an easy dollar.