Inconsequential (J+P series) (7 page)

“Nice do Perry. How was break?”  Chuck asked. 

“Survivable. Yours?”

“It was great.  Ready for the last semester?”

That was a great question because it was my final chance to get grades up before the council reviewed gpas for admittance.  “I hope so, hey Chuck, did you take Organic Chemistry?”

“Yep, what’s up?”

“I got a C in it last semester and I need to score an A.  Wanna tutor me?”

“What’s the problem?  You not getting the homework done?”

“Ha!  Fat chance.  That’s the only thing saving my grade.  The tests kill me.”

“Sure, I am a pro-test taker; I just suck at the homework part.  How about Tuesday evenings?”  Chuck suggested.

“So grateful, thanks Chuck.”  The rest of the ride we chatted quite a bit.  He was surprised to hear that my parents did not freak out about the C.  It was strange, but maybe things were changing for the better.  Maybe they had hope that I would pull a good grade out this semester.  Maybe they knew how much harder I was working on grades this year.  This realization had me in a decent mood and the time with Chuck passed quickly.  I was excited to get back to campus. 

Chapter 13

Tuesday night arrived and I was headed to my first tutoring session.  Chuck had found this small study room within the library across campus.  He turned out to be a genius at Organic Chemistry and when he saw me looking puzzled he would stop and illustrate the problem so my brain would grab the concept better.  I wished I had asked for his help last semester with my hard courses.  It takes great effort to pull a grade out of the garbage and I needed a solid A to balance the C I earned last semester.  After 2 hours, I told Chuck that my brain needed to rest and we hugged goodbye.

“See ya’ next Tuesday Perry.”

I waved bye and headed out on the lit path back to the dorm.  The campus was so much quieter at night.  Only a few classes were held in the evenings and most dorms housed their own study rooms.  The snow from break was lined up on each side of the sidewalks with signs of dirt and salt at the edges.  Ice was patchy on the sidewalks and you had to walk carefully to avoid the slick spots. The night was cold but no snow fell from the skies.  The cold didn’t bother me; I would bundle up and enjoyed feeling the frozen air fill my lungs.  The walk back always seemed longer at night.  I don’t know if it was because I didn’t wear my headphones at night for fear of an attacker sneaking up on me, or did it feel longer because I was fearful of an attack?  I would have to get used to this and build up some confidence because it was going to be a weekly meeting with Chuck. 

The campus had emergency phones along the path that I could use if I needed to.  As I walked I imagined a girl being chased and running to one of the phones and calling for help.  It would still take the police time to get there to rescue her and the attacker could have done something terrible in that time.  It was not a perfect system, but it was better than nothing.  I remembered my cousin talking to me about how it was good to make eye contact with the people you passed on the sidewalk.  Attackers don’t like to be looked at in the eye and by looking at them, you basically tell them you are not a victim.  I was still working on doing this but it was hard.  I liked my private bubble.  Just then I heard a faint twittering whistle.  I looked around and did not see anyone.  There were bushes and concrete benches but I could not see anyone.  I quickened my pace and felt panic welling up in me.  It was the same whistle I hear last semester.  Crap!  Was I going to be the next statistic?  Was this guy hunting me?  Would I be using those stupid emergency phones on campus?  Another whistle sounded but this time it was closer.  I began to run.  Chuck might have to come to my dorm for tutoring in the future if I survived this.

I made it to the dorm and didn’t stop running till I got to my room.  All my friends were in their rooms with their doors open and saw me fly past their rooms.  They poured out into the hall and crowded around my room door.

“Perry, what the heck, everything ok?”  Lauren asked.  Lauren was not my friend, but she was still Jen’s roommate so I tolerated her when need be. 

“Breathe Perry, what the heck has you spooked?  You look like you saw a ghost.” Molly said.

“I don’t know, I was studying with Chuck and walked back toward the dorm.  I heard this faint whistling and a few paces later, it was louder.  It creeped me out.  I swear I heard it last semester while walking back too.” I panted. 

“Whistling?  That doesn’t sound too creepy.  Was he whistling the theme to the Exorcist?  Because that would be creepy!  “  Jen joked, but this was no joke.  “Sorry Perry, just doesn’t sound like anything to get worked up over.”

Maybe she was right, but why was I hyperaware of this and feeling on alert?             

“Too many scary movies I guess.  Time to cut back.” I half-joked.

“Maybe you should alert the R.A.” Mags suggested.  “You know, just in case.  And you should really walk home with someone at night or have Chuck tutor you here.”  I nodded my head in agreement.

“Sorry to scare you guys, but you should all follow the same advice.  Have there been any attacks reported on campus recently?” I asked.  Everyone shook their head no.  “Well, I got a pretty good scare huh?” I tried to laugh it off but I still felt shook up.  Everyone gave me hugs and I went with Mags to report it to the R.A.  She wrote it up and said she would have a staff meeting with all the R.A.’s and inform them so they could reinforce safety on campus at night with the kids on their floor.

I knocked on Jen’s door.  “I need to stress eat - come grab some grub with me downstairs.”

“Gladly,” she grabbed her wallet and teasingly whistled every horror movie tune she could remember.  Jen was the perfect amount of immaturity to lighten the mood.  We ordered greasy grilled cheese sandwiches and diet cokes and found a booth.  “Tell me about the concert you saw with Greg.  Was it fun?”

“The band was great.”

“I bet you enjoyed seeing him over break.  That was a great present Perry.” Then, as if on cue, Greg walked into the diner.  “Speak of the devil!” Jen muttered.  “Hey Greg!”  She waved.

“Hey Jen,” he nodded her way and purposely did not acknowledge me.  Gone.  And this stupid haircut was probably the final nail in the coffin.  Jen turned to face me and her face dropped. 

“Perry, what the hell is wrong, you look awful.” 

“I think I lost Greg as a friend.”

“What are you talking about?” She asked in a disbelieving voice.  “You guys are tighter than you and me.”  “Greg, come here,” she stood and waved him over.  He stuck up a finger to let her know to wait a second.

“What are you doing Jen?”  I whispered.  “Please don’t do what I think you are going to do.  Please.  It would crush me.”

“What?  I just want to ask him a question,” she stated innocently.

“I suddenly lost my appetite.”

“No, no, no, sit tight Perry.  It’s gonna be fine,” she reassured me.

Greg strutted over with his food.  “What’s up Jen?”

“Nothin’.  How was break?”

“Good,” he simply replied.  I had my eyes trained on the table.

“And the concert?  The one Perry got you tickets to?”

“Fine.”

“Cool, yeah, well - you go enjoy your little meal.  Thanks for the great conversation.”  Greg walked off.  Jen had a way of talking down to someone and making them the butt of her joke without them realizing it.  She could be relentless and I never wanted to be on her bad side.

“What was that about?”  I asked her.

“I think you’re right Perry, he’s different.  What the hell happened between the two of you?”

I sat debating whether I should confide in her.  I didn’t think Jen was the best secret keeper, but the worst that would happen is me losing Greg… that has already happened so there was no risk. “We kissed the night of the gift exchange.”

“WHAT!”

“Shh!  No one knows, except Greg, myself, and now you.  If everyone knows about it I will never get him back.  He has been so distant since it happened.  I had hoped it would be better once we got back to school.  But apparently not.”  I said with tears in my eyes.

“Oh Perry, I am so sorry.  I can’t believe this.  Listen, you just need to talk to him and tell him you could care less about the kiss and you need his friendship back.”

“Jen, he won’t even look in my direction.  What the hell?!  It’s not like I’m going around blabbing about it to everyone or acting like we are a couple.”

“No shit.  I had no idea it even happened.  But it makes sense; you guys were gone a long time getting that beer.  Listen, just talk to him alone sometime.”

I nodded and pushed my food away.  I was too upset.  I listened to Jen fill the space with her ramblings of Christmas break and Edward.  I needed to hear it, I needed my brain occupied. 

Chapter 14

BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ.  The dreaded alarm.  I needed more sleep but doubted my teachers cared about that.  A night of tossing and turning in a pool of negativity did not make for a good night’s rest.  My inner dialogue was screaming at me for a good part of the night until I was sufficiently beat down.  I wasn’t used to having these emotions at college; I’d only had to deal with them at home.  Greg hadn’t said anything bad to me.  In fact he barely spoke to me at all.  But his absence from my life was blaringly loud.  I jumped out of bed and stumbled to the vanity where my clothes were laid out.  I pulled on my leggings, long sweater, and my boots.  I stole a glance at my reflection in the mirror and the negative comments began criticizing me again.  “No wonder he wants nothing to do with you, you are hideous.  You look like a poodle having a bad hair day.  You are so fat and ugly, no one would want you.”  I pulled my hair back into a scarf wrap and wiped away the tears.  Molly was still asleep and I was glad for that.  This was private.  This is what I grew up with.  You’d hear it, attempt to block it out, yet it still found a way inside to rot your soul.  You stood tall and put on your mask of indifference and went about your day as if all was fine, when inside there was only decay.  I grabbed my book bag and headed to class. 

I was only half focused on the lecture this morning.  It was hard because I was fighting both fatigue and an evil inner voice.  I needed some solitude. I would hideaway from my friends for a week.  I would eat meals at different dorms or at times when I knew no one else was eating.  I would not do any social events.  I would hole up in my room and do nothing but study.  This was a great idea. 

I made it through the morning and ate a bagel and an apple for lunch from the neighboring dorm.  I studied on campus in between classes and when I did return to the dorm, I entered through the girls’ side instead of the main entrance to avoid anyone.

Mid-week Molly asked me what was going on.  I didn’t want her to know the full details because I wasn’t sure she would understand it.  “I’m just taking a little me time and working on lots of homework...”

“Feels kinda anti-social.” She replied.  Molly was blunt.  She never did it to be rude, she was just stating the obvious.

“Yeah, I guess.  I just need to refocus for a little bit.  I’ll be back in action before you know it.”

My parents called me later that week and asked how my classes were going.  I was honest with them and told them about my study sessions with Chuck.  They seemed cautiously hopeful that my grades would be good enough to make it into the main life science studies program.  I was hopeful too but wanted a back-up plan.  “I am going back to the counseling center to talk with someone about other career options on Friday.”

“Why would you do that?  If you settle for something else you will end up with no career and no money.  What did you have in mind?  Art?!  You aren’t good enough to make any money doing that.”

“What if I took classes in it though?  I love art and have always drawn.  People remark how great my drawings are all the time.  Besides, I could do art for ads or go into architecture.”  This conversation wasn’t even about my art.  I wasn’t sure what other career would be good for me, this conversation had turned into a chance to tell me how I sucked at art and how I couldn’t be good enough to succeed. “Sweetie - they just say those things to be nice.  They don’t really mean it.”

“You know mom, I’m going to that appointment anyway.  I think I could be good at something.  I work really hard at everything I do and maybe life sciences are just not for me.”

Click.

She hung up on me.

Sigh.  I felt so mad, so out of control.  Unsupported, unloved.  So vulnerable and sensitive.  It was as if someone had taken my outer layer of skin off and the soft, new, painfully sensitive skin was exposed.  I climbed into bed and went to attempted sleep.  To my relief, I fell asleep almost immediately. 

It was the first night I dreamed about water.  I was at the beach, jumping waist high waves in the water.  It was sunny and breezy, the perfect day.  A friend called my name from the shore and I turned to see what she was saying.  We waved to each other and then I turned back around to resume wave jumping.  But the next wave was a towering tidal wave.  I tried to evade it but it smashed down on me and pushed me under.  I lost my footing and was at the mercy of the surf.  Panic pulsed through me and moved my arms and legs fast to try and reach the surface.  I struggled but managed to get a breath.

BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ.  My alarm.  I felt starved for oxygen as I sat in my bed.  Molly rolled over and looked at me.  “Perry, what the heck?  You went to bed at 6:30 last night, you ok?”

Holy crap.  I had not looked at the time when I went to bed last night.  I just didn’t feel I could deal with everything anymore, sleep sounded like the perfect escape.  “I don’t know, maybe I’m getting a cold.”

“You also were noisy as heck last night.  Like you were fighting a tornado or something.”

Ugh.  Ok, so maybe the isolation wasn’t working for me.  I seemed worse mentally than I was at the start of the week.  And the only one who noticed my absence was Molly. 

“No, I had some crazy, scary tidal wave dream.”

“I bet.  Listen, a few of us are going to watch a movie this Saturday, can you come with?  I think it would do you some good to get out with us again.”   I nodded my head in response.  Molly was a good friend and roommate.

Friday came before I knew it and I decided it was the day of change.  I had dreams involving water every night since the tidal wave one.  I was beginning to think it had traumatized me and now I couldn’t get water out of my head at night.  After my first two classes I went to the Guidance Center and they gave me brochures on other majors that both appealed to me and matched my personality type.  I found that the pre-life sciences track had me in good shape for the new majors.  I would only have to add in one more elective with the new classes to get up to speed.  I liked having this plan B.  It meant I could stay here with my friends and pursue a new exciting path.  I decided to not present this to my parents again until we learned about whether I excelled enough to be chosen to go on in the program.

My feet felt lighter, I had a smile creeping on my face, and I felt empowered to have a talk with Greg.

I went directly to the guys’ side of the dorm and did not wait for an escort.  I walked in and held my head high in confidence so if the RA spotted me he would presume I had been escorted and was not sneaking my way in.  I got to Greg and Jared’s room and knocked on the door.  I could hear music blaring loudly so I knew someone was home.  I hadn’t thought out my approach, I was going to wing it.

Greg appeared at the door and it was a strange encounter.  I had spent so much time in this room over the last year and a half - it felt like a home to me.  Jared was sitting in one of the old chairs they had brought from home working on homework.  He looked up at me and had a welcoming smile on his face.  Greg on the other hand put up a wall and on that wall was spray painted “you are not welcome here.”

I was not going to be deterred.  “Hey guys.”  I walked right in past Mr. Not Welcome.  Jared put down his books and stood in front of me. 

“Where have you been Perry?  I missed you.”  He missed me?  Really? Maybe Molly was not the only one who noticed my absence after all.

“I’ve been under the weather and studying a lot.  I actually came here to talk to Greg for a moment.”  I noticed then that Jared had stepped on my toe, trapping me from moving.  It seemed purposeful.  I looked down to confirm it and when I brought my head back up, I saw Jared playfully smiling at me. He knew he was trapping me and he was enjoying it.  This was a typical Jared sending mixed messages move.  He would do a flirty move but he would never follow through and take it to the next step.  Flirty,  platonic friend.

“Greg huh?  Greg, Perry needs to chat with you.”  He looked at me and held my gaze for a moment longer before releasing my foot and grabbing his books and walking out.  Butterflies were bouncing through me from the Jared interaction.  I mentally shushed them and told them he was just a tease.

“What’s up Perry?” Greg said but didn’t look at me. He sat in the other old chair.  I wondered if Greg and Jared were like the odd couple and they had claimed a chair for each of them.  I sat in Jared’s old chair.

“I hate this.  I hate what has happened between us.  You are so friggin’ important to me and I hate my life without you in it.  I wish you never kissed me.”  I noticed he looked up at me at that moment, but I couldn’t look him in the eye.  “You are my best friend.  You always have my back.  You make my day better, just by seeing you for 5 minutes.  That damn kiss.  It ruined everything.  I didn’t mean anything to me.  I can forget it happened.  I just can’t lose you.  I miss you so damn much.” and the tears were rolling down my face.  Greg leaned over and put me in a hug.  It was a much needed tight and super long hug.  Greg never said anything except a very quiet “sorry.”  I didn’t need him to say anything.  I just needed him in my life again.  It was so nice to have that hug.  It felt like coming home after a hard day, putting on your comfy pjs, wrapping yourself in your favorite blanket and cuddling up on the couch.  A huge part of my heart healed in that moment.  I just wondered if it would take long for us to get back to our usual banter or if the awkwardness needed time to disperse. 

“You watching that movie this weekend Perry?”  Greg asked.

“Yeah, Molly asked me to go.”  I replied.  “Who all is going to it?”

“I think everyone but Jared.  He has a physics thing to do.”

“Cool.  Well, guess I’ll see ya’ then.”  He patted my back as I walked away.  I was so glad to have cleared the air with Greg.  I would never know if that kiss meant anything to him.  I wish I knew, but I was unwilling to risk destroying what was barely hanging on.