Inconsolable (10 page)

“I figured you’d come back here,” Bobby says as he runs his washcloth over the top of the bar.  “Sit on down, I’ll get you a beer.”

I take a seat on the same bar stool I occupied two months earlier. He grabs two mugs and pours the beer that’s on tap into them. He slides the two glasses over the smooth finish of the bar before coming around the bar and sitting beside me. I just sit quietly, light a cigarette and inhale deeply as I reach for the nearest ashtray.

“You remind me so much of myself. I know what it’s like and I gotta say you handle it way better than I did,” Bobby says as he takes a sip of the beer in front of him. I glance over at him and take in his appearance for the first time. His hair is balding around the top and he looks to be in his early sixties. He has crinkles all over his face that make him look older than before. He has this loneliness about him. He glances at me, giving me a curious look/looks at me with a curious glance. “So, you just came to sit here and stare at me all day?”

“No sir. I came to tell you I’m sorry about how I behaved when I first met you and was wondering if you’d tell me how you overcame being this way.”

“You never truly overcome it.  I wish I could tell you different, but I can’t.  I can’t hear a kid screaming without going into a shell.  I can’t see the color maroon without shaking in my boots.  I saw a lot during Vietnam and I pay for the things I did,” he lets out a breath and gives me a sad smile.  “I killed plenty of people.  Some that could have been just as innocent as we were supposed to be.” 

“That is something I couldn’t do.  I couldn’t kill anyone.  The guy that saved me in the blast, he killed someone for me once because I hesitated,” I respond while picking up the beer with a shaky hand.  “The first time I was able to kill someone was when I saw my four brothers lying there dismantled.” 

“Yeah, that is why you are going through so much. I have a situation similar to yours. It wasn’t a bombing though,” Bobby’s eyes start to haze over like he’s reliving the scene in his mind. I just sit back and let him go. “We were asleep in a tent about two miles outside of enemy camp. There were eight of us in that makeshift camp. Two of us survived and I was one of them. I was CPL back then and when they heard fires one of them was shot in the chest and fell right on top of me. They came in to check on us all, but there were two men on top of me
I laid there so still that they didn’t bother to check for me.”

I take a drag of my cigarette and just shake my head as if to tell him to go on. He grabs my pack of cigarettes and lights himself one. He looks over at me with sad eyes.

“I came home a completely different man. My kids would scream with excitement or fear over something that happened and I would go back to that time. I ended up losing my family to PTSD. Vergie couldn’t understand what was wrong with me, why I preferred a bottle of Jack to my children. To this day my daughter Tori and my son, Hank, don’t speak to me over it. My baby boy, he’s different.
 
He went to war too, Desert Storm got him.  He came to me one day with tears in his eyes and told me he understood.  He couldn’t handle his personal hell though, found him hanging in his bedroom.”

“Oh my God.  Bobby I am so sorry,” I know that doesn’t make up for anything, but what the hell do you say to that? I pat him on the back and drink another sip of my beer. I tap my leg nervously on the bar stool and pray that I can stay sitting. My anxiety is to the roof and about to push the lid off.

“Now you see why Trey wanted you here.  He didn’t want to find you like my Peter.  They do it because they love you.  Now, you have to decide if it’s worth it or not,” he searches my eyes and smiles when he sees I have the conviction to live.  “Now, you go on and get out of here.  Don’t be afraid to take that medicine, either.  Really does help you.”

“How did you know?” 

“Because kid, I told you… you remind me of myself. I was stubborn and I lost it all before I found what I could do to keep it. Don’t be a fool,” he stands and walks around the bar as someone else walks into the bar. Guess it’s time for me to go.

“Thanks for the talk, Bobby. I needed it.”

“You’re welcome, kid. My door is always open for you. Remember that.”

I lay some money on the bar and tip my hat. I turn to the door and start to walk out of the room. I get this overwhelming, sense of peace. I see something out of the corner of my eye like someone is sitting at the bar. When I turn to look though there is no one there. I really need to stop drinking. 

~~~~~~~~~~

Two days later I wake up screaming.  I don’t know what caused it this time, but I am in agony.  My whole body is shaking and I can’t seem to make it stop.  I grab the rest of the bottle of Jack beside my bed and chug what I didn’t before I fell asleep.  I look at the bottle of medicine I just filled this morning and then I look at the clock.  1:32 am.  Great.  I put my feet on the ground and walk to the kitchen grabbing a bottle of water.  I turn to shut the refrigerator and let out a slew of curse words.  I look at Kyle, sitting there at my kitchen table with a beer in his hand.  He’s dressed in his favorite pair of jeans and his traditional black shirt with his cap turned backwards.  My body slams against the fridge and he just stares.

“You… you died.” I stammer out as he laughs.  “What are you doing here?”

“Blake, man. You have got to do better. I’m worried about you, man. This isn’t you. Get your shit together,” he takes a sip of his beer and looks over at me. 

“You… you’re not real.  You aren’t here!”  I take off down my hallway to the bedroom and I can hear him behind me, talking. 

“Sleep it off and quit drinking, Johnson!  You can’t help Carter over his guilt if you don’t help yourself get over your own!” 

I turn around and there is no one there.  I grab the bottle with shaking hands trying several times to get the lid open.  After about ten attempts, I finally get the bottle open and pop two pills before climbing into my sweat-clad sheets and closing my eyes tightly.  I am praying that there isn’t someone in the room with me. 

Driving to work today wasn’t as fun as most mornings. I got a call from Mary-Beth who still isn’t too happy about being called a selfish bitch, but what can I say. You leave the man you’re supposed to love when he needs you the most. It makes you a selfish bitch to me. It’s been two weeks since she broke up with Jameson and three weeks since I talked to her. When she gets into her “woe is me” moods I tend to make an exit. She always comes back though.

I walk into the salon and there is Brooklyn arguing with Garrett over Trinity, yet again. Poor kid. I smile at them and make my way into the kitchen for my Pop Tarts I leave here.  I grab one of the pastries and take a bite as I walk into the room to set my stuff down.

“Um, Anna. Do you think you can give us some privacy?” Brooklyn asks me, haughtily,
as Garrett just looks at me with a sad smile.

“She works here, Brooklyn, you can’t just ask her to leave when things aren’t going your way.” 

“Shut up.” She replies and glares at me. “Anna.”

“Okay, I’m leaving,
but God, could you at least let me put my shit down. I don’t know what the hell is in the air today, but you need to learn to be a little nicer to people. No wonder Garrett broke up with you.” I huff and she lets out one as well.

“Now girls. You come on in here,
Anna.” Diane grabs me and pulls me into the room with her as Brooklynn starts to squeal. Garrett is laughing,
turning red, and I hear her muffled words from the door Diane just closed. “Now, why in the hell you wanna start something?”

“Oh, don’t even. You know we all wanted to say it. I’m tired of her treating me like I don’t matter here. If it weren’t for me, then she wouldn’t have half the stuff in there.”

“We know honey, but we have to keep the peace. She may not be the nicest person, but she’s good at what she does.” Barb replies while she curls an older ladies hair with the curling iron.

“I’m sorry. I’ll apologize.” I turn to leave as the phone rings. I grab the phone while smiling at Barb and Diane. “Trendy Kutz. This is Anna.”

I walk to the desk and make an appointment for Barb as the door dings and Mary-Beth walks in.  I let out a huff and smile. 

“Morning. I brought you some coffee. Maybe a peace offering?” She gives me a sad smile with matching puppy dog eyes, like she knows I can’t resist.

“Thanks and I forgive
you. I’m not the one that has to live with it. You are.”

“Yeah, I’m kind of wishing I would have stayed.  Maggie and I both miss J.”

“You took the dog?  Way to kick him when he’s down Mary-Beth.”  I roll my eyes and walk to the back to fold some of the towels. 

“Yeah, well she has been with me for over a year anyway.  I just needed something of his.” 

“I can understand that Mary-Beth, but damn. I can’t believe you took his dog.” I turn and get a good look at her in a black and white tank top and blue skinny jeans with a pair of sparkly black flats. “By the way, I’m going to need to borrow those shoes.”

“Anytime.” She smiles and helps me fold some of the towels.  We both look up as the door opens and Garrett walks out. 

“See you next week, Anna,” he smiles at me and tips his hat at us both. 

“Who is that?”

“Garrett, also known as Baby Daddy.”  I respond as I watch Mary-Beth practically water the counter with saliva.

“Hmm. Well, I better get going. I need to go into the office for a few hours this morning.” She gives me an evil grin before sauntering out
the door.

Well, this is going to be interesting.  Brooklyn walks out the room with tears in her eyes and looks at me. 

“I’m taking off today.  I’ll see you tomorrow.  Can you cancel or take my appointments for me?” 

“Um, no.”

“Anna, please?” 

“Nope, I’m done being your bitch. Do it yourself.” I respond,
grab my coffee and walk into our room as she whines, then walks out the door.  She’s twenty-six year old and I am not her mother.  It’s time she learned that.  I hear a ding and look down at my phone to see a text from Blake:
Morning Sunshine.
I smile as I read the text.

“I like seeing you smile like that. It’s time you had someone sweep you off your feet.” Barb puts her hand on my shoulder.

“Thanks Barb.  He’s pretty amazing, but I feel like he’s hiding something from me.” 

“Well, that’s why it’s called dating.  You have to date someone to know them.  He’s a soldier.  They all come back with a little baggage.  You just have to decide if that baggage is worth the smile you have on your face.  If he makes you smile, then it has to be worth it.” 

“Thanks Barb. I need to spend more time with him. It sucks that he’s so far away.”

“Trust me, baby girl, I know what you mean.”  She gives me a sad smile and turns to walk back into the room to comb out Mrs. Rose’s hair.  

I grab my phone and respond:
Morning, Blake. I miss you.
  I sit the phone down only to have to pick it up again as it dings. 

I miss you more. Can we go on a date tonight?

I let out a squeal of excitement then slam my hand over my mouth.  I want to be with Blake so badly.  I’m confused as to what we are.  Are we together or are we just talking?  I hate this whole thing.  It’s so confusing.  I look up as the door chimes and I respond quickly:
Of Course!  I want to see you!

“Hey little bit.” Mason smiles as he walks over and wraps me up in a big hug.

“Hey Mason.”

“What’s got you so happy? I figured with Mary-Beth all mad, you would be walking around like a kicked puppy.”

“For your information I am not! Mary-Beth isn’t mad at me anymore. She even told me I was right to call her that.”

“Hmm, well what’s got you so happy?”

“I have a date.”

“A date?”

“Mmm hmm.”  I respond as Mason sits down and I slide the cape over his shoulders.  I love cutting Mase’s hair because he just gets it buzzed all over. 
Not really much to mess up if you mess up.

“Do I know him?” 

“I don’t think so. He’s Jameson’s friend. Blake.”

“Oh, I met him a few times. He seems nice. Anna?”

“Yeah Mason?”

“Just be careful.  I don’t want to pick up the pieces.”  He looks at me in the mirror and I want to cry a little.  He’s always the one trying to protect me.  I hope he can find someone to be happy with.  He deserves it. 

“Thanks Mason.  I don’t think he’s going to hurt me though.  He’s not like that.”  I smile and pat his shoulder as I turn on the clippers and start to buzz his head to the length of a number three guard.  I finish and pull the cape off him.  “Shampooing today?”

“Nah, it makes me tired.  I’m going to the police academy today to see about enrolling.  Can’t be yawning up in there.”  He stretches and I smile as his shirt rides up a little bit. 

“Yeah, we wouldn’t want that.  Want a Pop Tart for the road?”

“You know me so well.”  He answers as he wraps me up in a hug and we walk to the kitchen. 

“You know, I gotta keep my body guard full of energy for when I need him to come to my rescue.”