Inconsolable (13 page)

I come to out of my Rover and I look around. Everything is flashing with a red and blue tint to it. I start to sit up, but my vision swirls around and I start to freak out. I scream and yank away from the person trying to help me. “Don’t fucking touch me!” I coil in on myself and go back to that house in Afghanistan. I know I look like a pussy in front of all these people trying to help,
but I can’t even begin to care. 

“Carter, come on man.  What’s done is done.”  I try to grab Jameson as he stands over the man he just shot in the head.  Kyle and I are both trying to pull him out as Andrews carries the battered woman out of the home.  I didn’t see what was going on but I could hear the screams from outside. 

“I’ll be there in a minute. I want to make sure he won’t get back up.” Jameson growls out and I wince. Hearing this side of him scares me. He isn’t this person, but it’s like he takes on a whole different personification when he goes into killing mode. I think it’s his brains way of protecting itself. I walk out and pat Miller on the back. It’s not something I am used to. They all try to shelter me. I think they know I shouldn’t be here just like I know I shouldn’t
. 

Kyle screams out as he drops to the ground in agony.  I hear the bullet fly by my head before I see it go through a wall and I drop to my feet.  I turn to see Kyle with his gun and he shoots down the man who just attacked him.  I see the blood on the side of Kyle’s arm and I grab at him. 

“Don’t! Just get out of here! I think there are more coming.”

“Carter! Help!”  I scream out not wanting to leave my brother alone. 

I feel someone shaking me and I come back to. I have tears streaming down my face, but for once I am thankful that it wasn’t the last time I saw my friends. I’m glad this flashback wasn’t the bombing. I look into the face of my father and he just wraps me in a hug. I notice someone standing behind him, he’s frowning at me and pointing at my car shaking his head. I pull away from dad and look to where Kyle was pointing. The whole front of the car is smashed and is up against a tree and the top is caved in.

“It’s okay Blake. I’ll have another one for you by tomorrow. I’m just glad you’re okay son. Can you tell me what happened?”

Of course my Dad is going too… He’s going to make sure I have the same vehicle to make sure no one knows that his son wrecked one
because he was drunk.  I’m sure if I’d have killed someone tonight it would have been covered up. 

“There was a deer in the road
and I swerved to miss it, but I hit it and lost control.” 

“Can I ask you some questions, Blake?” 

I look to the sound of the voice and I groan of course, Larry would become a cop.  I shake my head and Dad looks over at him. 

“Can we do this tomorrow?  I’d like to get Blake home and in bed.  He seems shaken up.”

“Of course, Mr. Johnson, can you make sure he’s in the station around ten,
please?” Larry asks and Dad shakes his head and then helps me stand up. I walk over to his truck and get in. I lay my head on the window and try to ignore the fact that Kyle is still shaking his head while
pointing at the car.  The only thing is I cannot ignore the sound in my head saying Anna could have been in that car with me. 

“Son, we don’t have to talk about it tonight, but we are going to talk.”  I try to ignore him and sit staring out the window as Dad drives to my apartment.  I’m really going to have to find a better coping mechanism than what I am doing.  It’s not safe for me or Anna.  That’s the main thing that has me worried.  I made it out of that crash, but what if she’d have been with me.  I’d have died all over again. 

“Thanks for the ride, Dad.” I look in his direction and he gives me a sad smile. 

“You are my son, my baby. I know I haven’t been the best father to you, Blake, but you need help. If I have to intervene, I will. I’ll buy you another car, but if you’re drinking so much the next time you wreck it, I won’t be buying another.” He sighs as he runs his fingers through his hair. I give him a sad smile and a nod to acknowledge
that I heard him then
head up to my apartment.  I close the door, grab the bottle of pills off the counter and take two before walking into my room then falling right to sleep.

The next morning I wake up and pour every last bottle of alcohol down the drain. I don’t see Kyle around anywhere so maybe that means I’m doing the right thing. I send Anna a text, then go back to cleaning my apartment. After I pour all twenty bottles of alcohol I have stashed in the apartment down the drain, I walk to the bathroom to jump in the shower. At 9:45, I hear a horn outside and I groan. I put my wallet in my back pocket, grab my phone and make my way down to where my father is waiting.

“Morning Dad,” I say as I climb into the front seat.

“Son.” 

“Where we headed?” 

“Well, I talked to Larry.  He did the report and they don’t need to see you.  So, I guess we will be heading to the dealership to get your new car.” 

“I can get a car, Dad. I don’t have to have you get it.”

“Blake, please. I want to.”

“Trying to make up for working so much as I grew up?”

“Don’t start.” He replies as we pull into the dealership.

Two hours later and I am driving around in my new Range Rover. It’s bad enough that people saw me freaking out because of the PTSD. He surely wouldn’t want them to know how his son is handling it. 

~~~~~~~~~~

Two weeks later I decide to jump into the car and head down to see Jameson.  I turn on the music and ride listening to all these different songs.  One comes on that hits me right in the gut.  It reminds me so much of my life before I met Anna.  I grab my phone to Shazam it and up pops
Stay With Me
by Sam Smith. I click the button to bring it up on my ITunes account and buy it right then. I listen to it and try to depict all the words as I drive the rest of the way to Jameson’s shop. I’m proud of him starting his own music store in town. I know his Uncle Scott had a lot to do with it,
but it’s nice to see him doing well for himself. 

When I pull into the parking spot, I shoot Anna a message.
Can I come see you tonight?
I get out of the car and head into Jameson’s store as my phone beeps.
I’ll be off in three hours.
I send a quick
See you then
and walk into the shop to see Jameson passed out on the ground.   I walk over to the man standing over Jameson trying to get him to wake up. 

“What happened here?”  I ask the man and he looks over at me.

“I honestly don’t know.  I told the kid my name and he passed out.” 

I look down and see Jameson starting to stir.  I bend over to help him, but he just grabs onto my shirt, both his hands shaking as he says, “Blake.” It reminds me of that day in the hospital when I had to tell him about the other guys.

“Will,” Jameson whispers and looks behind me at the man standing there. I turn to look at the guy as Jameson says, “Your son, he was William Andrews?”

“Yes, how did you know?”  The man behind me responds and I immediately go stiff. Jameson notices as I help him to his feet.  We both salute to the man who lost his son, the son I got to serve with. 

“Sir, I know you’re confused, but I’m CPL Blake Johnson
and this is CPL Jameson Carter,” I say as I help Jameson behind the counter and sit him down on the stool there.  “Your son was one badass Marine.” 

“What the hell are you doing here, Blake?” Jameson questions and I look at him like he’s lost his marbles.  This man is Will’s father and he’s worried about what the hell I’m doing here.  Damn, he needs to be on some pills too. 

“Can we discuss that later?  I think this is more important.”  I say
as I point to the man standing here in front of us. 

“My son spoke
highly of you both. He had the utmost
respect for you. Of all of the men he served with, and died with, you are the ones he respected the most.  You are all heroes and I can’t thank you enough for protecting him for as long as you did.”  The man replies as he reaches out and puts his hand in mine. I stand there in shock as he grabs Jameson’s hand and shakes it as well. I want to say something,
but I didn’t protect him.  I always planned the exit strategy and this time I failed them all.  Before I can say it though Jameson lets it out of his own mouth.

“Sir, I’m sorry, but I can’t shake your hand. I’m no hero.  I let your son die.  I should have seen what was coming.” 

“Son, let me tell you something. My Will, he died doing something he loved. Something he wanted to do, with five men he looked up to;
respected. You can blame yourself for whatever you want, but he wouldn’t want that and I sure as hell don’t either.” He takes a deep, shaky breath and continues. “In my eyes you’re a hero. You saved him, didn’t you?” He points to
me and smiles.  “Yes, you’re the ones that get to wake up every morning and hell yes I miss my son. There is one thing I know for sure, my son wouldn’t have been able to handle this life.
I can see you’re strong. Live for him. Don’t feel remorse and don’t you dare feel like you let him down. You couldn’t have changed the outcome even if you wanted to.”

Jameson looks at the man and grabs him. Pulling him into a hug, he whispers into his ear, “I’m sorry I couldn’t save him.”  I give him a pat on the back to let him know he isn’t alone in this and smile as the man’s words continue to praise us.

“You did though. You were a friend when he needed it and that’s all that matters.”  He smiles and grabs the catalog for the piano.  “Mind if I take this and bring it back? I have a date with your mother in a week.”

“Um, good luck with that and yes sir, anytime is good for me.”  Jameson shakes the man’s hands and the man turns to leave. Before he gets out of the door, he turns back around.

“It was an honor meeting you both. I know you both were in the hospital during the service, but you should go see the boys to help yourselves
get some closure.  They’d like that for you.  Would you want them to be sad or would you prefer that they let you live through them?” 

“Yes sir,” Jameson and I say in unison as Roger walks out of the music store.

”You are not off the hook, Johnson.  What the hell are you doing in town?” Jameson interrogates me.

“I uh, I have a date with Anna.” I reply blushing a bit. 

“Pippi?” He asks with a shocked look. “Damn, I should have seen that coming. You and Pippi,” He laughs and I look at him dumfounded.  Who in the hell is Pippi? 

“Who the hell is Pippi?”  I ask as I slam my hands down on the counter in front of me. 

“Dude, chill out. She just reminds me of Pippi Longstocking, that’s all.” He throws over his shoulder as he walks around the shop cleaning up to get ready to close up.

“I can see it now that you point it out, but don’t tell her I said that.”  I laugh softly and then smirk, glad that he isn’t mad at me for dating Anna.

“I like Anna. It’s her best friend that I don’t much like anymore,” he sighs and I just shake my head in agreement.

“So, about what Mr. Andrews said?” The tension in the air could be cut with a knife over what I’ve just said.  I can see Jameson’s spine stiffen and I just hold my breath waiting for his response. 

“Uh, I’ll think about it,” he finally replies as he sits a box on the shelf. 

“Think about it, Carter.  We both need this.  We can go together instead of apart. We can still be a team.”  I say as I punch his shoulder and shake my head. I turn and head out the door calling over my shoulder, “Call me when you decide what you want to do.” 

I walk two blocks down the road to the coffee shop Anna always goes to. I walk in and see a lady behind the counter. I walk up to the counter and look around not really sure what Anna likes.

“Can I help you?”

“Um, yes ma’am, I was wanting to surprise my girlfriend and get her some coffee,
but I don’t really know what it is she orders.”

“Hmm, well,
we have tons of things.”

“Maybe I should just text Anna. I don’t want to get her the wrong thing.”

“Red head?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Oh, so you’re the boyfriend.  I’ll make it for you.  She gets the same thing every day.  It’s on the house, too.” 

“Well, thank you. I appreciate it.”

“No problem. You treat my friend good now. Ya hear?”

“Yes ma’am.” I take the coffee and walk out the door to head out to surprise Anna at work. Hopefully, those two older ladies have both taken the day off. They seem to be way more than I can handle, but I am sure they both make Anna’s day more manageable. They seem like they could stir up some trouble.

I open the door to the shop and smile when I see Anna with her hair in a messy bun on top of her head. She’s looking at the scheduling book on the counter and talking on the phone. She waves at me without looking up, in a gesture to say I will be with you in a moment. I walk over to her and put the cup of coffee on the counter as she looks up to see who in the hell I am. I laugh softly as she looks startled and wraps up her phone call.

“Yes, Mrs. Montgomery, I have you down with Barb for next Tuesday. Yes. Uh-huh, a perm. Yes ma’am. See you then.” She hangs up the phone, sets it on the counter and grabs for the coffee. “Oh my God. I was having withdrawals. I may love you right now.” She spits
out, then blushes a beautiful shade of crimson.

I lean in and whisper in her ear.  “I’m glad because I am pretty sure I love you right now.”  The smile that lights up her face is worth saying that any day.  I lean down and kiss her lips, tasting the vanilla in the coffee.

“Good.  What are you doing here?  I don’t get off for another hour.”

“I went to see Jameson.  I figured I would come and see you instead of driving around town.  You’re way more beautiful than any of the scenery around here.”  

She blushes and I smile.  I love being the one to put the blush in her face and it brings out her eyes even more.  She smiles, then sighs as the door opens and closes again. 

“What are you doing here, Blake?” 

I turn at the high pitched voice coming from the door. I roll my eyes and smile at Mary-Beth. “Oh, just visiting with my girlfriend.”