Incredible Beauty (6 page)

“What, vulnerable? In love? Dependent on someone else?” I teased. Cass poked her tongue out at me.

“Like you can talk,” she muttered, “because
you’re
so comfortable being in a relationship and all.”

“Hey, I’m only trying to help, I never said I was an expert,” I chuckled. “Speaking of which, do you mind taking me to Park Street? I made an appointment to see my psychiatrist,” I explained.

“Ooh, is this the sexy doctor? Is that why you’re all dressed up?” she teased, her eyes lighting up as she got to her feet.

“Shut up, I wish I’d never told you I thought he was cute,” I muttered, following her outside.

I felt the usual feelings of anxiety (throat restricting, sweating, shaking hands) being outside of the house. The waiting room at the psychiatrists was empty apart from Cass and me, which made things a little easier, but I still felt like I was being watched and judged by everyone. It occurred to me that I hadn’t told Simon about this appointment. Not that it mattered. When I needed to go, I went. In fact, if anything, he’d be glad that I’d taken it upon myself to make the appointment and arrange for Cass to take me.

“There he is,” I whispered to Cass, jolting my eyes toward the reception. Doctor Nichols was leaning over the desk, looking at something on the computer. Cass turned and looked at him with interest. His dark hair and brown eyes reminded me of Simon, maybe that’s why I found him attractive. His toned body was noticeable, even through his black pants and light blue shirt. Cass turned back to me, her eyes wide.

“You get to talk shit with
that
once a week?” She gaped at me. “I’m
so
jealous.”

“What about Tom?” I teased.

“What about Simon?” she shot back without missing a beat. I grinned, point taken.

“Emma?”

I glanced up, my face red, trying to ignore Cass and her crazy eyes. I followed Doctor Nichols into his room and sat down in the chair to the right, where I always sat. I fidgeted with my hands until he sat down behind his desk.

“How are you, Emma? You’re looking good,” he added.

“Thanks,” I blushed, “I’m okay. No, actually, I’m not that good.” I corrected. What was the point in making an appointment and then lying about how I was feeling? Talk about counter-productive.

“So tell me what’s making you feel off,” he encouraged.

“The constant feeling that I need to worry about everything. The baby, Simon…everything,” I finished. I wasn’t even making sense.

“Emma, focus on one thing at a time. The baby, for example. Everything is going well?” he asked, fiddling with a pen. I stared as he rolled the pen in and over each of his long slender fingers. He caught my gaze, I blushed, looking away, remembering what Simon had done with his fingers the previous night. Why the hell had I just recalled that?

“Everything is fine, it’s just like I’m sitting here, waiting for it all to fall apart,” I tried to explain, my eyes not leaving the small potted plant that sat on his desk. I found myself wondering if it was real. It looked real. “Everything always falls apart, so why should this be any different,” I added.

“And Simon, your fiancé, what is the issue there?”

“There’s no issue with Simon, just with his ex-wife. They’re still so close and I just…I trust him, I do I just don’t know if I trust her.” I hated talking about this. God, I sounded like a psychotic girlfriend. I saw people like me every day, on
Judge Judy
. This was bad. Next I’d be covering her car in red paint and feathers.

“If you trust Simon, then if she did do something can you trust that he would stop it?” Doctor Nichols raised an eyebrow, his dark brown eyes on me, waiting for an answer.

Damn. He had me there. That was exactly what Cass had said. If I said yes, then what was there to worry about? If I said no, then did I really trust Simon?

“I think maybe I don’t trust his love for me,” I said quietly. My heart began to thump. Saying that aloud to someone, was a huge thing. So many of my thoughts were not fit for human consumption, they should never leave my head.

Once a thought got out, there was no taking it back, no denying it and saying it affected me more than thinking it. I didn’t trust his love for me. I didn’t believe he could love me forever.

“Emma?” I looked up. Doctor Nichols smiled at me. “I think you’ve had a breakthrough here. Do you think Simon can do better than you?”

“Yes,” I whispered, my voice barely audible. And if I think he could do better than me, how long until he realized that? “It’s not just that I think he can do better, its more I don’t see what I have that Claire doesn’t, but I see plenty of things that she has that I don’t.”

“Claire, the ex-wife I’m guessing?” he asked. I nodded. “So he was married, they had a child, they divorced, he met you, you got pregnant, engaged, but you think she still has feelings for him.” He eyed me, waiting for clarification. I nodded, trying to ignore the fact that my life sounded like a soap opera.

“Have you spoken to Simon about how his relationship with Claire makes you feel?”

“No, because how I feel is stupid and irrational and I don’t want to be the girl, who tells her guy, he can’t see so and so because it makes me feel insecure,” I said, staring at the floor.

“I think you should talk to him, Emma. At the very least, it will make him more aware of how his actions toward Claire, make you feel. All this is doing at the moment is causing you unnecessary stress.” He pointed to my stomach “And that’s stress you and your baby don’t need right now.”

He made a lot of sense, but I wasn’t sure that was a conversation I could bring up to Simon.

We chatted for a little bit longer until my half hour appointment was up. Cass contained herself until we were out of the building.

“He was hot!” she hooted loudly, capturing the attention of several passers-by.

“Shh!” I whispered, flushing. She rolled her eyes.

“Come-on Em. You told me yourself you thought he was hot. No point denying it now.”

A cough behind me caused me to turn around.

Oh god no.

 I was staring into the eyes of an amused Doctor Nichols. To say I was so, so embarrassed would be an understatement. I tried to speak but my mouth wouldn’t work.

“Excuse me ladies, just popping out for some lunch.” He smiled at me as he squeezed past us. I blushed, trying to ignore the tight knots forming in my stomach. “See you next week, Emma,” he called over his shoulder.

I pulled Cass into the first café we passed.

“Tell me that did not just happen,” I groaned, falling into a seat, covering my face with a menu.

“Oh, that happened, Em. That was a classic!” she giggled. “Oh don’t be so glum, you’re allowed to look at other men, you know!” she shoved me playfully, “I do it all the time!”

“Cass! My psychiatrist probably thinks I’ve got a crush on him now!” I groaned, burying my face in my hands. “This is so embarrassing,” I muttered. How was I going to show my face next week?

“He didn’t seem to be complaining,” Cass giggled, ordering two juices from the waitress who had walked over to us.

“Shut up,” I grumbled. “It’s your fault for going on about how hot he is.”

“He is hot
and
you said so yourself. Has Simon seen how attractive your new psychiatrist is? I wouldn’t be letting you loose with that for half hour a week,” she laughed. I shook my head, hiding a smile. Would he get jealous if he saw my hot young psychiatrist?

After our drink Cass dropped me back at home. Walking me to the door, she gave me a hug.

“Call me if you need anything, okay?” she asked. I nodded and closed the door.

Damn it was good to be home.

Chapter Nine

Emma

After Cass left, I went to have my usual post lunch nap. Having an excuse to have an afternoon nap was fantastic and what was even better was my nightmares had subsided down to only the occasional one a week. I didn’t dread closing my eyes, because now I had at least a chance of getting a decent night’s sleep. My eyes had barely been closed for a minute when my cell went. I looked at caller ID.

Simon.

“Hello,” I said, my voice clipped, still annoyed at him for asking Claire to come over. I was probably much angrier than I should have been, but not ready to forgive him just yet.

“Hey,” he said warmly, oblivious to my anger. “How are you?”

“I’m fine. I had a visit from Claire this morning,” I added with fake surprise.

“Oh?” Simon said uneasily, I could imagine him squirming in his seat.

“Drop the act Simon, I know you asked her to drop by,” I growled angrily. Why was I so annoyed? I knew the only reason he’d asked her to come past was because he was worried about me, but for some reason I couldn’t let this go.

“Look I’m sorry Em, but I was worried about you. I’m never there and-.”

“Then
tell
me when you’re arranging for your ex-wife to visit. Or at least give me the chance to organize a babysitter I actually
like
.” My hand shot to cover my mouth when what I’d said filtered back to my brain. That had come out much harsher than I’d intended.

“Why don’t you just tell me how you really feel, don’t hold back or anything, Emma,” Simon said bitterly.

“Look, I didn’t mean that. You know I like Claire, I just don’t appreciate being treated like a child. I had enough of that from my parents,” I added, my tone less angry now.

That was true. This was exactly the kind of thing I expected my mother to do. I cannot tell you how glad I was when they booked an impromptu six month trip to Europe.
They would arrive home just before my due date and I hadn't informed them that my pregnancy was such a high risk.
I’m sure they never would’ve have booked the trip had they known, but dealing with mom through all of this would’ve been hell. I’d have taken Claire any day.

“Em, I love you, can we talk about this later?” he pleaded softly.

“Fine,” I sighed, “love you too,” I added, never wanting to end a conversation in a fight. After we hung up, I turned off my cell.

My head still throbbed and I wasn’t sure if it was the conversation with Simon, or the fact that I hadn’t eaten much today, apart from a couple of cookies and my stale breakfast. I wasn’t hungry, in fact, I was the opposite. Feeling nauseated, I decided to try and get down a sandwich at least. Things had gone pretty well when it came to morning sickness. Weeks five through to twelve I’d had pretty constant morning sickness that lasted most of the day. This was the first time since then I’d actually felt sick.

It was only three o’clock and I probably had a few hours until Simon got home. Chances of more visitors today were unlikely. I grabbed two Tylenol and a glass of water and sat on the couch. Opening my laptop, I saw there were a few emails waiting for me. The first was from Maria.

Over the past few months we had been emailing and talking regularly. I was finally beginning to feel like I belonged somewhere. It sounded strange, but I think I felt more comfortable talking to Maria than I did my mom. We had a lot in common and hearing about her and her family…or my family was so interesting. I’d spoken to my sisters a few times too.

Hi Emma,

I hope you’re well, I’m glad to hear the pregnancy is going so well. I hope you’re able to relax enough to actually enjoy this special time. There really is no other feeling like being pregnant.

I cannot wait to meet you, Simon and my two little grandchildren. Things here are much the same, work and not much else.

How are the wedding plans going?

All my love,

Maria

I smiled as I read the email. One thing that struck me right away was how she referred to Maddie as her grandchild. I loved that. I knew my parents well enough to know that even though it would be unintentional, they would treat bean different to how they treat Maddie. I clicked on reply.

Hi Maria,

I’m trying my hardest to enjoy these last few months, but it's hard when every bump or cramp scares the hell out of me. It gets easier each day though.

I can’t wait to see you either! Any idea if you are able to get over for the wedding yet? It wouldn’t be the same without you here. I’m looking forward to meeting my sisters too. I always wanted siblings :)

Talk soon,

Love Em xx

The next email was from Mandy. Simon didn’t know this, but Mandy and I had been emailing since four weeks after the attack. I’d mentioned her to Simon last night because I hated doing anything behind his back. Her mother had come by to thank me one day while Simon was out.

We had spoken for over two hours and I’d asked her to pass on my email to Mandy in case she ever needed to talk. I’d received an email from her about a week later. After that first email, we corresponded a few times a week. I think it helped both of us knowing we were not alone. The next step would be for us to meet in person, maybe once a week, but only when she felt ready. Judging from her emails that would be a while.

Emma,

Thank you for your email.

I guess I’m doing okay. I have to force myself to do stuff with my friends and I can’t remember the last time I slept longer than three hours, but compared to how I was a few months ago, I’m great :)

I love hearing about you and the baby. Even when you tell me about how you get nervous and sad, it helps that I’m not alone.

Thanks for helping me.

Mandy

Every email I got from Mandy left me feeling sad. I really felt for her and the childhood she’d lost at the hands of a lunatic who never should’ve been released from jail in the first place. All I felt in her words were hurt and despair. I often worried that she might do something to herself, to the point where I’d spoken to her mom a few times to check that she was okay. I replied to her email, telling her I hoped we could meet face to face soon.