Indecent Exposure (Rude Awakenings) (6 page)
Read Indecent Exposure (Rude Awakenings) Online
Authors: Kerry Down
“I’ll have to go home and get some fancy
clothes on though. Do you think that kit of mine will be done by now?”
“Ah…probably not. I just threw it on the
kitchen floor and came straight up here to scrub your back I’m afraid…. Sorry.”
That did make him laugh out loud. “You are some
piece of work missus. I’m beginning to think that I was lured in there under
false pretences..”
“You definitely won’t want to hear the truth
about the spider then!” she answered smugly.
“Wha…You mean you’re not scared of them?”
“Derr!” She blew him an apologetic kiss. “You think
that one flew in there by itself? I had to give it a bit of a helping hand
idiot…Spiders absolutely hate water. You must’ve learnt that at Geek school
didn’t you?”
He was silent for a minute as he took in the
extent of her scheming. “Wow. You certainly know how to get what you want
Sarah!” he said eventually. “If I was wearing a hat, I would doff it to you
lady.”
“Shame you’re buck-naked and hatless then isn’t
it…. Anyway, it was you that started it…” and she told him about finding the
telescope when she had been over feeding the cats. As she got to the bit about
looking through the eyepiece and finding it trained on her sun-lounger she
couldn’t help noticing the odd look on his face.
“Look, don’t worry, I’m not calling the cops
about it. As you may have noticed I seem to have taken it rather well….” she
reassured him.
“No. No you don’t understand…” he managed to
say. “It’s not my telescope. Manny asked if he could set up in my room for a
couple of months as a favour. Said something about needing to be on that side
of the house so he could see the passage of Venus. I get what he bloody meant
now! That crafty old devil’s still got a bit of go in him I guess. Wait til I
see him next though, we’re definitely going to have to have a bit of a chat!”
To Rob’s immense relief, Sarah seemed more
amused than anything else.
‘Dirty old bastard, not quite the handsome buck I
thought was eyeballing me at all…Didn’t really matter, I had a lot of fun out
of it anyway…and of course it did turn out rather well for me in the end…
’
Then she had another thought.
“And what about the laptop. Don’t tell me you
didn’t get to see the little present I left on there for you?”
“Present? Nope. I just took it out of
the case and gave it to one of the lab rats. He had the card changed and
drivers installed in one minute flat. Then it was straight back in the case and
that was that! You telling me I missed out on something else there?”
“Maybe….And I might show you one day if you’re
good…” She considered for a while then laughed out loud at how the last few
weeks had gone. “It just goes to show Rob, doesn’t it…. There’s absolutely no
point in subtlety when it comes to getting laid is there…!”
Eventually the
two women managed to find an empty table in the bustling city centre café. The
little round table, cutting edge chic obviously, was barely big enough to take
both of their lattes. They nudged their uncomfortable chairs in closer
together; the din in the room was making it difficult to bitch properly.
It was Jennifer
Aniston’s plumper double who started the conversation. “It’s alright for Sarah.
She has a rack to die for, a big house and a stimulating sex life. That bastard
KD couldn’t even be bothered to give me a name! Jealous girl in back of car
going to cinema. That’s all the detail I was given!” She leaned forward
conspiratorially. “I heard there’s problems with the … ahem….” Her voice tailed
off as she made a gesture of drinking from an imaginary bottle.
Her companion, a
cut-price version of Cameron Diaz, nodded sympathetically. “It’s the same for
me remember. That dried-up old has-been didn’t even bother to describe my
clothes. Dunno why we were mentioned at all, Sarah might as well have been
going to the cinema by herself. I don’t see why I shouldn’t get twenty pages
devoted to me being given a right rollocking in the shower by some athletic
blond Adonis?”
“Well…In
fairness, you do live with five cats and haven’t actually had sex for more than
two years. Watching George Clooney films semi-naked in the dark whilst eating
chocolate doesn’t count I’m afraid. Anyway, from what I hear, KD is back in
rehab and won’t be describing unfeasibly hot sex again for a long while.”
“Yeah someone
told me that alright.” Not-Quite-Cameron laughed unsympathetically. “What
finally tipped the old lush over the edge do you reckon? Was it that incident
with the two circus dwarfs and the transvestite Elvis impersonator?”
Unfortunately,
Nearly-Jennifer’s hyena-like laugh coincided with a sudden random quietness in
the café, causing other customers to look round. Unabashed she laughed again,
for even longer this time. “Oh yeah,” she wheezed eventually, “it was priceless
right enough, no-one saw that coming! But no, it was something else. Something
much worse.”
She paused
before continuing. “Thing is, KD got obsessed by comments and reviews. Trouble
was, the readers weren’t putting out enough. In the end it needed an operation
in some swanky private hospital to get the F5 button surgically removed.”
Not-Quite-Cameron
looked puzzled. “It’s odd it should come to that. I guess it must be really
difficult for a reader to leave some sort of feedback then?”
“No. That’s the
odd thing. It’s so easy. The best way is to do it through Amazon itself”
Nearly-Jennifer assured her. “Say something pithy and pertinent and get
yourself immortalized in the comments section. If you are a bit shy you can
always send an email to
[email protected]
.
Doesn’t even matter if it’s only a string of badly spelt obscenities, that sly
keyboard jockey will just borrow the best ones for the next chapter. There’s
even a blog just started ‘Don’t Let Your Balloon Burst’ on Blogger. I’m reading
a hilari…well…ok…quite funny piece about writing…ahem…off-colour material
called ‘Porn Free (As free as the wind blows)’ and a rather wonderful poem
about outdoor loving.”
Not-Quite-Cameron
sighed. “In fairness, KD does make the effort. Running three short stories into
one ‘Rude Awakenings’ anthology took endless amounts of Tippex and at least two
crates of white wine. And such terrific value. I guess that’s the last throw of
the dice is it?”
Her friend
nodded. “Yeah. Only historical romance left now and I’m not sure that KD is
able for all those heaving bosoms, let alone the archaic language…and as for
dates and history…useless! …Anyway it’s that or back to political
speechwriting…and we don’t want to go down that road again now do we?”
Not-Quite-Cameron
hardly heard the last few words. She was too busy trying to catch the eye of
Almost-Brad Pitt, who was serving their table.
‘
If I was
Sarah bloody Miles, there’d be a quiet room out back and he’d be hung like a
horny baboon’
she thought bitterly.
Sad thing is …she is probably right …not
a bad idea for a salacious rendezvous though…thanks girls. xx KD
