Indelible Love - Emily's Story (12 page)

“OK. I’ll explain,” I answered
exasperated. “Jake gave this to me Saturday to make our dating
official.”

“What does that mean?” Peter
asked.

“Jake wanted affirmation that we were
boyfriend and girlfriend.”

“If he buys you something like that
when asking to be your boyfriend, what will he get you if he’s
asking to be your husband?” Sarah wondered.

I saw a bothered look on Max’s face
and a worried look on Peter’s. The two of them exchanged some
message I chose to ignore.

“Let’s order,” I exclaimed, breaking
the mood.

Everyone loosened up once our ring
conversation was forgotten. It had been a long time since the five
of us had sat down for a casual meal, and Max and I eventually
relaxed and started chatting like good friends again. We planned
out our trip to Vegas, and Peter told us that he would take care of
all the hotel arrangements. We deliberated on whether or not to
allow Peter to make the sleeping arrangements but since none of us
wanted to do it, we let it be.

In the middle of lunch, I received a
text from Jake that made me laugh.

Are you done with lunch
yet? You did keep your promise concerning Max?

I understood his text but decided to
make his life a bit more difficult.

What promise? I didn’t
make you or Max any promises, did I?

Yes, you did. You weren’t
going to allow him anywhere near you.

Well, he picked me up,
drove me to lunch, and is now sitting next to me. Does that break
my promise to you?

Emily! This isn’t funny.
You’re torturing me.

I’m not the one who kissed
another woman in the middle of our weekend together.

I thought you said you’re
going to let that one go. I promise! I didn’t kiss her
back.

I laughed again.

When will lunch be over?
You want to come visit me at the hospital?

I don’t know when lunch
will be over and no, I don’t want to go to the hospital anymore.
After the ER incident, I’m afraid of doctors now. Everyone at my
table is giving me an unpleasant look because I’m ignoring them
while texting you. Come over tonight. I will consider whether or
not I want to kiss you since you’ve now reminded me of Allison. I
have to go. Bye.

“Sorry,” I said to all my friends.
Sarah rolled her eyes at me.

As the hour was up, Sarah and Charlie
both had to get back to work, and Peter left soon after. Max and I
decided to walk off our lunch and browse the shops. We had a
surprisingly pleasant time together. I shopped for Christmas
presents for Jake’s family since I would be seeing all of them in
Hawaii and for Christmas dinner. I had no idea what they might like
so it was like searching for a needle in a haystack.

We stopped for coffee and Max had that
look again—the one that made my heart fear.

“Em?”

“Hmm?” I asked looking up from my
coffee.

“I need to ask you a
question.”

“OK. What?” I felt queasy about where
this was heading.

“Do you love Jake? Is he the man you
see yourself with, for the rest of your life?” Such a
matter-of-fact question caused me to burn my lips taking an
unintentional gulp of hot coffee.

“What? Where did that come from? Why
are you asking?”

“Just answer. Do you love Jake? If he
proposed to you today, could you say yes?” He was now demanding an
answer from me rather than just asking. His demeanor turned
abrasive, and yet there was fear in his eyes.

“Max. I don’t know why this concerns
you.”

Max glared at me, and I hesitated, but
answered his question.

“No,” I answered softly. “Not yet. I
mean…I don’t know. We just started dating.”

“You’ve been dating for a while.
Didn’t you tell me that you loved me from the moment we
met?”

My unconvincing first answer obviously
gave him courage to move forward with this conversation.

“Yes, but what does that have to do
with this situation? Not every love is love at first sight. With
us, we spent every waking moment together. With Jake, it’s
different. He’s so busy, I feel like we’re just getting to know one
another.”

“We would’ve spent every moment
together if you weren’t so stubborn.”

I ignored his last comment.

“Max, I really like Jake. You know how
introverted and shy I am. He’s the only person I’ve dated since we
broke up. When we’re together I feel like…like I’m with my
family…like I’m home…he makes me feel…”

“Yeah, yeah. You made yourself clear
last time when you told me how he makes you feel comfortable and
secure.” He imitated my tone. “I can’t believe after four years
together, you tell me now that you were never comfortable with me,
that I never made you feel secure.”

“I never said I didn’t feel
comfortable with you!” I shot back. “I loved you more than anyone
in this world. You were the most important person to me.” The tears
began. “What I said was, I never thought you felt the same way
about me. I was never the most important person in your world, and
now I understand why. You have your family. I technically was not
your family. Why would you put me above the people you grew up with
your entire life? I don’t fault you for this. I was just stating a
fact.”

Without much warning, tears spilled
over. I hated myself for crying so easily. I remembered our love
and the happiness it brought to my life. I also thought about the
countless days of misery after our breakup. “Why are you bringing
this up now?” I asked him. “Why do you find such satisfaction in
hurting me? Wasn’t once enough? I finally felt like I was putting
all this behind me.”

I knew it hurt Max to see me hurt. He
was never outwardly expressive but I could see tears of sorrow
outlining his eyes as well.

“Em, would you ever want to start over
with me? Do you think it would be possible? If I told you that I
was an idiot, that I had no idea what I wanted in life till I lost
it. I never realized till after we broke up that you meant the
world to me. However much you loved me, I loved you just as much,
probably more. I was just too stupid to know it back then. Would
this be enough for us to try again?”

I was too shocked to cry anymore.
These were words I had hoped to hear right after we broke up, not
now. Only in my world, would I have to contend with the passion I
once felt for Max and the hope I now felt with Jake.

“Max, why now? Why didn’t you come to
me eighteen months ago when I missed you so terribly? I would’ve
given up everything to be with you again. I don’t want to hurt
anymore. I can’t do this again. I won’t give up Jake.”

“But you just said you don’t love
Jake! Can you say the same about me? I know you still love me, Em.
Please, Em? I know what I finally want…I want you.”

I stopped the conversation and asked
Max to drive me home. The ride home was silent till I marched out
of the car, straight onto my bed, and wailed like the night we
broke up. I didn’t understand why I hurt today like graduation
night.

A severe headache greeted me as I woke
up to the ringing of the doorbell. Glancing at the clock, it was
almost midnight. I opened the door and found a warm face that
quickly morphed into an alarmed one.

“What’s the matter, Emily? Have you
been crying?”

“How’d you know?” I asked.

“Your eyes are puffier than a
marshmallow. Why were you crying?” Jake walked into the house and
sat on the chair.

I looked at myself in the mirror and
saw that both my top and bottom lids were puffy. What would I tell
Jake? I sat at the table with him and contemplated what to say. He
waited patiently.

“Does this have something to do with
your lunch with Max today?” It didn’t take much intuition to figure
that one out. “Do you mind telling me what happened?” His troubled
look made me feel terrible.

“Max is having breakup remorse,” was
how I summed up our afternoon conversation.

Jake looked puzzled. “He and Jennifer
broke up and he’s upset about it?”

“Um, I’m told he and Jennifer broke up
but his breakup remorse is not about Jennifer. He, um…regrets our
breakup.”

“Oh,” was all I got from Jake. “What
did you say, or should I ask, how do you feel about his
regret?”

Damage control needed to be put into
effect immediately, but I didn’t know how to put into words what I
felt in my heart.

“I told Max that I really like you and
that I don’t want to be in a relationship with him.” Jake looked
somewhat relieved but only for a second. He asked the next logical
question—the one that truly begged an answer. “Why were you crying,
then?”

This one, I really couldn’t answer.
Why I hurt so much today was beyond my understanding but could I
tell Jake that I just didn’t know?

“I cried because a lot of the pain I
felt after we broke up resurfaced. Those were the words I wanted to
hear eighteen months ago, not now. Maybe I was angry with him
for…”

“Waiting this long?” He tried to
finish my sentence. “Do you want to get back together with him, but
can’t because of me? Am I in your way?”

I vehemently replied, “No. I want to
be with you, Jake. I want to give our relationship a chance. Please
don’t think that. Please, please believe me when I say how much I
cherish our relationship.” I wrapped my arms around his neck as
insecurity crept back into my heart, scared that I might lose this
wonderful man.

Jake held me close and calmed me down.
“Emily, explain to me what’s on your mind. There must be something
lingering in your heart for Max for you to be in such
anguish.”

“To be honest, I don’t exactly know
what hold Max still has on me, if any. I know there’s no more
connection between us, but why I still hurt so much when he brings
up the past, I can’t explain.” Apologetically my head fell down.
“I’m sorry I’m such a mess. This is the kind of stuff I don’t want
you to see. What I do know is that in the short while we’ve been
together, you’re the one I want to be with, not Max.”

“Emily,” he called my name softly, and
lifted my chin with the crook of his index finger, “I’m not letting
you go anywhere.” His lips tenderly traced my own. “We are not
separating for any reason. I can’t imagine my life without you
anymore, and I hope you feel the same way about me. You must know
by now how much I love you. I can’t believe I’ve waited this long
to tell you.” He embraced me intently.

Jake’s words stopped my heart. I had
heard correctly on the airplane. The optimist in me reveled at the
thought of Jake loving me. The pessimist in me wondered what he
would think when I couldn’t reciprocate. I faced him with a signs
of hope, guilt, and confusion.

“And…you don’t quite reciprocate, I
gather by your look?” Jake asked.

“Jake, I’m not there just
yet.”

“Emily, are you really not there? I
think you’re just afraid to admit it.”

He was probably right. Somewhere in my
heart, I loved this man and would tell him when I worked up the
courage to admit that I loved someone with all my heart
again.

“To me, when I tell someone I love
them, it’s a forever kind of word. I can’t take it lightly. Forever
is not in my vocabulary just yet with us.”

Jake looked frustrated
again. “Why do you keep saying that? Didn’t you tell Max you loved
him? Why are you so negative about us all the time? Do you think I
take the words ‘I love you’ lightly? The words ‘love’ and
‘flippant’ do not coexist in
my
vocabulary either. This appears to be a weekly
argument with us.”

“I’m sorry, Jake. Can we not argue
about this again? Just give me a little more time? Please?” I
placed myself on his lap, put my arms around his neck, and
attempted to coax him out of his ire.

“You can’t admit you love me, and you
refuse to have sex with me. Why am I still here with you?” he asked
with an irresistible smile.

“Because
you
love
me
,” I answered with
kisses.

Max called several times during the
week, and I purposely evaded him. Instead, Sarah kept me apprised
of his life. She told me he was moping around, trying to rally our
friends to help win me back. I, in turn, focused my attention on
Jake. He stopped by every morning before work and every night after
work. In the short hours we had together, we talked about our lives
past, present, and future. When he wasn’t with me, he attempted to
call, but his patients had other ideas.

Tuesday night Jake came over early,
and after dinner, I told him stories about my parents. Happily, I
started with their college years where they met and fell in love. I
pulled out all my photo albums and Jake repeated the same words I’d
heard all my life.