Indulgence (395 page)

“Want to tell me about it?”

I twisted the cap off the beer and took a swig. “I’d like to
think they’re all together my parents and grandparents. The idea makes me
happy. The fact that I can’t be with them makes me sad. I’m sure the therapist
would have a field day with me right now,” I explained, trying not to be too
morose.

“Do you want to make an appointment to see him?”

“Maybe. I don’t know.”

“I wish there was something I could do to cheer you up, Jake.”

Jenna was so sweet and supportive, I wanted to ease her
mind. I didn’t want her worrying about me. “Just being here is a big help. You
should be having fun. You’ll graduate from high school soon. I don’t want you
to feel like you’re stuck here with me.”

“I’m here because I want to be, not out of some sense of
duty. I love you, Jake.” Jenna looked at me with warm, intense eyes. I could
tell she meant every word. The knowledge overwhelmed me. I wanted to say
something, but the words wouldn’t escape me. Sitting like a frozen statue, I
felt Jenna caress my cheek “You don’t have to say it back to me. I just wanted
you to know how I feel.”

There were only two other women in my life that had said
those three words to me. My mom loved me unconditionally, a bond shared by
blood; Samantha loved me as a friend, fierce and loyal; Jenna’s love promised
something more, something I had yet to fully experience: sexual love.

I wasn’t prepared to say ‘I love you’ yet, but I could try
to convey my happiness with a smile. “I think I’d like to change out of this
suit. Will you wait for me? You don’t have to go home right away, do you?”

“I can hang out for a while.”

I leaned in and kissed Jenna on the lips. “Thanks.”

When finals were over, Sam, Rick, and I escaped to my
granddad’s cabin in the Pocono Mountains. It had been sitting empty for six
months, so we opened the windows to air out the musty smell. Sam was busy
unpacking the groceries we picked up along the way, while Rick gathered some
firewood. Even though it was June, the nights could still hit forty-five
degrees in the mountains.

It was a small cabin: two bedrooms, one bath, eat-in kitchen
and wood-paneled den. Granddad would bring Rick and me to the cabin during
winter break. Rick loved getting out of the crowded Welsh’s home and hunting.
I, on the other hand, didn’t like guns, so I spent most of my time playing
video games or reading.

Sam joined me, sitting on the brown plaid sofa. “I like this
place. It’s rustic and cozy.”

“It hasn’t been redecorated since 1972,” I added.

She laughed. “Well, it’s definitely missing a woman’s touch,
but it’s a man’s retreat.” She looked at me concern in her eyes. “How are you,
really?”

I shrugged. “What do you want me to say? Here we go again.
One more bad thing happens to poor ol’ Jake.”

“Stop it!” Sam practically yelled. Her outburst made me
scoot to the edge of the sofa. Sam never got mad at me. Being on the other end
didn’t feel very good. How did Rick put up with it, I wondered?

“Don’t yell at me. I didn’t do anything.”

“Exactly. You didn’t do anything, so stop with the
self-pity. You’re a great guy, Jake. I don’t care that you have no parents or
you’re crippled and you just lost your last living relative. Stop letting those
things define who you are. You can do anything you want to do. Why can’t you
believe that?” she said in exasperation.

I stood up, seething. “No I can’t do anything I want. I
can’t run a marathon. I can’t be the star athlete like Rick. I can’t have any
woman I want!”

Sam stood with her mouth open, no retort to my outburst. I
pushed past her and walked to my bedroom, slamming the door behind me.

I sat on the bed staring into space. It was wrong of me to
blow up at Sam. She was only trying to help, but right now I didn’t want
anyone’s help. I closed my eyes and practiced deep breathing. The sound of the
door creaking open got my attention. I could hear them talking in the hallway.

“What are we supposed to do?” Rick whispered to Sam.

“I’m not sure.”

“How long is he going to be like this? Maybe we should go
home.”

“Jake doesn’t have a home anymore,” Sam reminded Rick.

“Of course he does. It’s right next to mine.”

“Rick, a house and a home are two different things. Look at
what he’s survived. You and I could never really understand what its like to
have all that loss in your life. Jake has had to deal with both physical and
mental loss at such a young age. It scars you.”

“I was there when it happened, Sam. I don’t intend to let
him slip away from us after everything we’ve been through together. He doesn’t
get to be that selfish!” Rick retorted in anger. Rick fully opened the door and
walked towards me. “How you doing, man?”

“I don’t know. I feel numb,” I honestly replied.

“Your granddad is in a better place now. That’s got to be
some kind of comfort.”

I laughed aloud. I knew Rick was trying to make me feel
better, but he had no clue what he was doing. “That is the most ridiculous
thing you have ever said.” I was laughing so hard that my eyes watered. Rick
and Sam looked at each other with alarm. They probably thought I should be
placed in a mental hospital. “I’m nineteen–years old, where is the text book
that’s supposed to help me deal with this? ‘Cause I have no fucking clue what
I’m doing.”

Sam knelt down in front of me and held my hands. “Jake, I
can’t even begin to understand the pain you are in. You need to remember, you
do have people in your life that love you. The Welshes, Rick, Jenna, me we love
you.”

I pulled away from Sam’s grasp and placed my head in the
palm of my hands. She was right. There was much lost. Yet there was much
gained. I need to think positively or else my feelings of self-doubt and
despair would eat me alive. “Sam, I know you’re right. I just can’t get out of
my head. I’m haunted and I don’t know how to get past it.”

“You live your life.”

“I don’t suppose you have a list for that.”

“As a matter of fact,” she began, “I do.”

“Can’t wait to hear this,” Rick muttered under his breath.

Sam turned to Rick and scowled. Then she turned back to Jake
and began, “I think Rick and I should move in with you this summer. The three
of us will be together. That will help you. You’ll have our constant support.”

She was trying so hard to cheer me up. I didn’t deserve her.
I got down on my knees next to Sam and hugged her. “I’m so sorry for yelling at
you,” I whispered in her ear. “You’re my rock. I love you, Sam.”

Samantha pulled back and studied my face. She blinked away a
tear, then placed her palms on my cheeks. “I love you, too.”

“What’s the rest of the plan?” Rick interrupted.

Sam started up right where she left off and I listened
intently. Samantha was mapping out our futures, and she naturally assumed Rick
and I would fall in line and follow her every instruction. It had always been
that way. Sam was a leader, logical and brilliant. I had to admit, in that
moment, I would have done anything she desired.

I made spaghetti and meatballs with some warm garlic bread
for dinner. We sat around the coffee table, Indian-style, eating in front of
the brick fireplace. The fire gave off an ambient glow. I couldn’t help but
think how lovely Sam looked in the shadows of the fireside.

After dinner, Rick found the set of gambling chips in the
coat closet, so we decided to play cards. “How about strip poker?” Rick grinned
mischievously.

“In your dreams, dude,” I said, shuffling the cards.

“Why don’t we use quarters?” Sam suggested.

“Wow, you’re a big spender,” Rick deadpanned.

“Why don’t we just play for fun?” I intervened, divvying out
the chips.

We played until we were tired. I watched Rick and Sam walk
down the hall to their bedroom hand in hand. The embers of the log fire were
dying, but I didn’t want to go to my bedroom and be alone. I missed Jenna, but
she’d had to stay behind to finish out the school year.

Rick and Sam were the most loyal and brave friends a person
could have. They were my family and I loved them unconditionally. Being me was
a lonely existence and if it hadn’t been for my friends, I doubt I would have
made it through my teenage years. In a way, they were my emotional crutch.

I poked the remainder of the fire to make sure it was
extinguished, then headed down the hall to my bedroom. As I neared Rick and
Sam’s room, I heard the sound of soft moans. The door was slightly ajar and I
caught a brief glimpse of them. Rick removed Sam’s shirt, then gently laid her
on the bed.

At that moment, Sam realized the door wasn’t completely
closed and I was standing outside, quiet and unmoving. She pushed Rick back.
“Hold on,” she said, pointing in the direction of the cracked door and me
standing on the other side.

Rick stood up and opened the door, his brown hair tousled
and his tee shirt in his hand. “What’s wrong, Jake?” he asked, slightly short
of breath.

I didn’t respond. I just stood still like a statue, a single
tear running down my cheek. “Oh, Jake,” Samantha sighed as she threw her arms
around me. Rick was baffled. He simply shrugged his shoulders and grabbed us
both, pulling Sam and me into a bear hug.

“I just can’t be alone tonight,” I admitted, choking back
tears.

Sam moved to kiss me on the cheek, but I turned my head and
my lips met hers. It was a stupid move. I braced myself, figuring Rick would
punch me in the gut. Instead, he put his hand on my shoulder, assuring me
everything was okay. I looked at Sam surely she would land me one mean right
hook for taking advantage of her kindness. To my astonishment, Sam gently
caressed the side of my face.

We were standing in a circle, holding hands, and suddenly I
felt at peace. I closed my eyes and let the feeling wash over me, clearing my
mind of all the negative thoughts and fear. It took a moment for my brain to
register that we were no longer holding hands. My friends’ hands were now
pulling the cotton polo shirt over my head and unzipping my trousers. Soon,
Sam’s lips were kissing my neck. Sam ran her soft, delicate hands along my abs.
My eyes flew open. What was happening? Why was my heart pounding in my chest?
Sam continued to kiss my torso and then she reached for my erection. I became
dizzy with ecstasy as she took my enlarged cock into her mouth. I had to place
my hands on her shoulders to steady myself.

When I began to tremble, they pulled away, much to my
dismay. “Come on, Jake. Lie down,” Rick whispered, pulling me to the mattress.

My friends removed the rest of their clothes until they were
naked, like me. Sam straddled me and began a slow rhythmic rocking motion. “I
don’t have a condom,” I panicked in a barely audible voice.

“It’s okay. I’m on the pill,” she admitted, easing my mind.

Rick lay on his back, sharing my pillow, looking at the girl
he loved, her long, brunette hair covering her breasts. My brain was foggy,
like one of those weird dreams you have after eating really late at night
before you go to sleep. I turned to look at Rick. His gaze was intense as he
watching Sam make love to me. I began thrusting my pelvis harder into Samantha.
She must have sensed I couldn’t hold on much longer, because she dismounted and
took my cock into her mouth while stroking the shaft with her hand. I let go of
Rick and pulled Sam’s head closer to my body, gasping as I exploded into her
mouth.

Rick was anxious. He knelt behind Samantha and entered her.
Her breasts rubbed against my chest as Rick thrust in and out of her. I
couldn’t believe this was happening as I watched Rick make love to Sam. Images
swirled in my brain: the look of sheer joy on Rick’s face, the quickened breath
of Sam covering my skin, the musky smell of sex as our bodies perspired. I
wanted to stay like this forever. Watching them go at it only filled me with
more excitement. I didn’t even think it possible that I would be able to go
again so soon. I grabbed my cock and implored Rick with my eyes
please
.
Rick withdrew and I slipped my fully erect cock inside Sam.

She reached behind her back, searching for Rick’s hand.
“Don’t stop, Rick.” Samantha let out a squeal of pleasure as Rick entered her
again. We were both inside her. She climaxed shortly thereafter, calling out
both our names in desperation. I was so aroused I swore I’d be the first to
orgasm; however, Rick withdrew and sprayed his seed on her back.

I rolled over with Sam in my arms. Now she was lying on the
bed with me on top of her. Quickening my pace, I whispered in her ear, “You’re
so beautiful, Samantha. Let me come inside you.”

“Yes,” she breathlessly whispered. So I came, hard, holding
onto her for dear life.

There were no words to express the experience we had just
shared. Lying on the bed, we fell asleep in one another’s arms Rick on the
left, Sam in the middle, and me on the right side of the bed. For the first
time in years, I fell into a deep, restful sleep. No nightmares invaded my
dreams, only the faint sound of my best friends breathing next to me.

I awoke before the others and quietly crawled out of bed. I
grabbed my clothes and crutch off the floor and walked into the hall, gently
closing the bedroom door behind me.

Desperate for a shower, I stepped into the tub and let the
hot water flow over my body. Had I dreamed the entire evening? It didn’t seem
possible, yet I could still smell the scent of Samantha on my skin and see the
kindness in Rick’s eyes as he shared her with me. Surely, what they had done
last night was not wrong. It didn’t feel wrong. It felt like the most natural
thing in the world. I was at ease with my friends; there was no embarrassment,
even between Rick and me. We made love something I had never done with Jenna.
Why was I feeling so confused?