Inferno Anthology (240 page)

They ate breakfast, and Catherine made them thermoses of coffee. She chided both of them for even thinking about going out in the snow; however, with Tony by her side Claire knew it didn’t matter. She was going to her lake, a place she hadn’t been since her
accident
.

They dressed in layers, wrapping themselves head to toe, complete with hand and foot warmers, and were out of the house before 8:00 AM. The wind had subsided but the snow still fell.

It had been many years since Claire had cross-country skied; however, the motions swiftly returned as the long slender skis and poles allowed them to glide over the twenty-plus inches of snow. At first, she worried about navigation, but with most of the ground level obstacles covered it wasn’t difficult. Skiing was much faster than walking. They reached the clearing in less than thirty minutes. Claire told Tony all about the flowers, butterflies, and animals present in the heat of the summer.

They wore tinted goggles to shield the brightness of the snow, but she sensed his serenity as he listened to her stories. They arrived at the lake shore approximately forty minutes later. Claire wasn’t cold. She was exhilarated from the fresh air, exercise, and scenery. Green leaves and blue waters were her preference, but the snow covered the evergreens and glistening ground were beautiful. The frozen lake covered with peaks and valleys of drifts reminded her of a large flat cake with vanilla frosting. She felt as warm as if it were August.

TONY WAS COMPLETELY
enthralled by the glistening vista before him. He’d never taken the time to experience his own property. It wasn’t something he cared about or gave much consideration, until now. As they stood and watched, three deer: one six-point buck and two does, galloped at full speed from left to right across the lake. Tony stared at Claire. If the deer could do it, they could too. Skiing on the lake was effortless compared to the woods: no hills, valleys, or trees—only open space. The wind and snow had ceased. The farther west they traveled, the more of the shoreline they could see. Everything looked virgin, completely unspoiled.

After the snow ceased, other animals ventured out of their warm homes. They saw foxes and multitudes of squirrels and birds. Tony said he thought all birds went south for the winter. Claire explained not all birds migrate. She told him that in Indiana the cardinal was omnipresent. She remembered always being excited to see one in winter, it looked so red and vibrant in contrast to the stark gray of winter. Tony continued to ask questions and listen to his wife.

It was almost one when they arrived back at the house. Catherine was elated to see them. She’d been worried. She promised she would send lunch, but first wanted them to get warm. Entering Tony’s suite they found his large fireplace roaring with flames and radiating tremendous heat. Claire laughed as Tony removed his ski hat. His hair was messier than she’d ever seen and his cheeks were pink and frigid. Her giddiness amused him. He offered to help remove her winter gear. It didn’t take long to realize Fiji had been a better honeymoon destination. Snow activities required too many clothes.

When their food arrived Tony covered Claire with a blanket from his bed. She lay on the rug in front of the fireplace with the soft down comforter and Tony wore only a pair of gym shorts as Cindy wheeled in their lunch. Cindy started to put the warm foods and drink on the table, when smiling at Claire, Tony told Cindy she could leave. Cindy thanked him and left the cart.

Claire smiled at her husband, bare chested, setting their lunch on the table. “Sometimes I think you’re the most amazing man I’ve ever met.”

He poured two cups of coffee and carried them to his wife. Joining her under the comforter he prompted. “And other times?”

Answering honestly, she said, “Other times, I don’t like you.” He looked at her with astonishment. She kissed his lips. “Today is definitely a
like
day.”

His smile warmed her heart as he said, “I’m glad.”

WHILE EATING LUNCH
Tony asked Claire about the don’t like days. She thought about playing it off, lying, or telling him she was joking. Then she decided to be truthful. “I love you. I really do. I sometimes feel like the luckiest woman on the planet, but other times I feel like a five-year-old.” She waited. Did he understand what she was trying to say? His eyes weren’t darkening; he was listening. “I know you may not think so, but I really don’t have any intention of causing you harm. Why would I? You told me your grandfather trusted the wrong people. Was your grandmother one of them?”

Tony seemed slightly shaken by the mention of his grandfather. “No. Why do you ask?”

“Because I’m going to assume she loved him and he loved her. If they didn’t they wouldn’t have married.” Tony nodded his understanding. Claire continued, “I realize there are people who may try to hurt you or your business, but I’m not one of them.” She wasn’t sure how she could explain her feelings to him. She looked directly into his eyes. The mention of his grandfather minutely darkened them. “I don’t have a problem with you being in control of our lives. I trust you. I just wish you trusted me, so I could feel like a wife instead of a child or a possession.”

She’d been happy, but this conversation was making her sad. “I’m sorry. I’m ruining this wonderful day.” She looked down at her lunch and her cold soup. Closing her eyes, she heard his chair move. Claire didn’t want him to see the tears escaping her lids. She didn’t look up.

Anthony Rawlings gently took his wife’s hand and helped her rise from her chair, then tenderly lifted her chin. Seeing her tears, he said, “Claire, it seems to me that you apologize a lot.”

She started to say she was sorry, but snickered at herself instead.

“See? See that smile you have? You can’t, but I can. It’s beautiful, even with your hair a mess, which it is, and your smile, doesn’t stop at those perfect lips. It extends to your pink wind-burned cheeks and most dramatically, it extends to your bright, emerald green eyes.” He was bending with his nose millimeters from hers. “I apologize for not causing that smile to come out more.”

Claire felt her resolve melt as her knees weakened. Thankfully, she was being supported by his strong, steady arms.

Tony continued, “You’re right about so many things. Listening to you talk today about the different trees, snow, a blizzard, animals, and birds. You know so many things I’ve never attempted to learn, and you know me better than anyone. I’ve tried to keep my past that: the past. But you’ve managed to take the bits and pieces I’ve offered over the course of a year and weave them together into some psychological basis for your comprehension of me. I must reluctantly admit you’re correct.” She wanted to say something, but he kissed her tenderly and continued, “You have not intentionally given me reason to do anything but trust you, and yet, I know I have not always behaved well. This may come as a shock, but I have issues with control.” She couldn’t help but smile. “There’s that smile.”

Tony led her to the sofa in front of the fire. Wearing a soft bathrobe she sat in front of him and leaned her head on his t-shirt covered chest as they both faced the fire. The beat of his heart and the sound of his breathing echoed in her ears. The fire radiated warmth and his skin the aroma of exercise. She felt safe and secure, but at the same time, she had the feeling of living in a house of glass. The security could crash into broken pieces at any second. He asked her what she was thinking. She answered and he didn’t respond for a long period. She was apprehensive to turn and see into his eyes.

Finally, he spoke again. “Perhaps I’m afraid of losing you, afraid if you truly know me you won’t want to stay with me.”

She wasn’t sure, but due to his voice and breathing, she wondered if he was having difficulty staying composed. She wanted to alleviate his discomfort, tell him it was okay, he didn’t need to say anything else. She didn’t turn around as she spoke. “Tony, I’m pretty sure I know you. I’m also sure I’m still here.”

“Because, you haven’t had the opportunity to leave.” His arms were tenderly wrapped around her.

She caressed them gently with her small hands. “No, not because of that, and not because of the gifts, or the trips, or the money. I’m still here because I made a commitment to you. I did that in Central Park and again in our home, because I love you and want to be with you.”

He hugged her. “Mrs. Rawlings, I love you too. I want to trust you more and be less controlling. What I don’t want is to ever hurt you like I did. If you’re kept safely away from the world, there’s less of a chance that anything will happen which could cause me to react as I did before.”

“I used to feel that way, like I wanted to stay here and not risk the chance of upsetting you. I do not want to upset you, but Tony, that isn’t a life. Having me home waiting for you because I have no choice and having me home waiting for you, because I want to be, are two totally different things.” She waited, but he didn’t respond. So she continued, “If you would trust me, I’ll do my best to follow your rules. I’ll discuss things with you prior to doing them. I’ll check with you before I go anywhere. I understand the importance of appearances and the significance of consequences. I don’t want to upset you. I do want the opportunity to upset you.” Claire decided this conversation was easier without looking into his eyes. She could imagine small black irises with large velvet borders; however, she was certain her imagination and reality differed.

“Tell me what you want. What freedoms have I taken, that you’d like returned?”

She told herself, here is your chance, respond appropriately. “I’d like access to my own invitations. I won’t accept or decline without speaking with you, but I would like the knowledge there are other people out there who care about me. I’d like to be able to speak to my sister without being afraid you won’t let me or be upset by my conversation. I’d like the ability to leave the estate just because. And again, it wouldn’t happen without your consent but just to know I can.” She listened to his breathing. The only alteration occurred when she mentioned Emily. “And I’d like you to be able to contact me directly about our evening plans, not to be told by Catherine. It makes me feel juvenile.” She’d done what she could. She’d been as honest as she could. Now, she exhaled and relaxed against his sturdy chest. She couldn’t think of anything else to say. She’d wait.

The outdoor adventure was exhilarating: cold air, brilliant snow, and muscle exertion from skiing. The warming up process had been remarkable: crackling fire, soft rug, and tender lovemaking. The lunch was warm: soup,
Panini
, and hot coffee. Now they’d shared, talked, and been totally honest with one another. Feeling drained, Claire’s body melted against his. She waited for his response, knowing her fate didn’t rest in her own hands. She had no choice but to trust the man who had her wrapped affectionately in his arms. Closing her eyes she listened to his heart, his breathing, and drifted off to sleep.

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning but anyone can start today and make a new ending.

—Maria Robinson