Inferno Anthology (61 page)

My eyes ventured to the sea mammals and instantly went to the sea lion. It was a gift for Cheyenne, but it was also a story I could tell her. A story about how me, Avery, Brooke and Nicole swam with a sea lion named Cassandra in Puerto Vallarta.

At first the look on her face was “you gave me a necklace of a sea lion? You could have at least given me one of a dolphin dad!”, but as I told her the story, she instantly loved it.

She hugged me tight, thanking me and I didn’t let her go until we arrived at our hotel. Our flight to JFK wasn’t until the morning and Avery, Cheyenne and I were staying in a hotel for the night. After Bill dropped us off, Avery and I took Cheyenne to the indoor pool, played Marco Polo for an hour or so and then ate room service after we all showered.

Cheyenne told us all about her week; how she went to Disneyland and California Adventure, visited Dana’s grave and took in a pre-season game of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. Avery was bummed that his parents couldn’t at least meet us half way for dinner or something, but he quickly forgot or at least pretended to as he talked to Nicole until she boarded her plane.

I didn’t bring up Brooke and apparently she didn’t bring me up either because Avery only talked about himself and occasionally made kissing noises in the phone.

Fucking pussy whipped bastard!

As I listened to Avery snore and Cheyenne texting on her phone instead of watching the Pay-per-view movie we ordered, I couldn’t stop thinking about Brooke and how she schooled me about becoming a better father. Before the sun set, I decided I needed to go to Dana’s grave and
talk
to her myself. Cheyenne found comfort in doing so, and I needed to talk to her about introducing Cheyenne to Brooke, like I needed her approval.

“Hey, can you watch Cheyenne for like an hour?” I asked Avery, shaking him a little to wake him up.

“Of course. What’s up?” he asked after adjusting to his surroundings.

“I need to run an errand.”

He looked at me with a skeptical look. “Okay…? Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, I just need to clear my head.”

I told Peanut that I needed to step out for a bit and called a taxi to come and take me to the cemetery. I didn’t know what I would say when I got there, but I couldn’t stop thinking about her giving me the approval I sought about Brooke.

I knew Brooke was genuine and wouldn’t do anything to hurt Cheyenne, but I just needed to talk to Dana. Some might think it’s crazy to talk to a grave stone, but since Dana died before Cheyenne was old enough to really know her, it was a way that she felt like she could see and talk to her mother. When she did, we left her alone and let her say whatever she wanted.

I had the cab stop at a grocery store first. I ran in to get some flowers and then continued to the cemetery. Once I was there, I walked slowly to her grave, trying to think of what I was going to say. No one was around as the sun set and the taxi waited for me to finish.

Taking a deep breath, I placed the white roses on Dana’s tombstone, got down on my knees and began to tell her about the last seven days. I started by telling her how sorry I was and then I started from the beginning when I met Brooke. The way Brooke tried to set me up with women and how I never left her side. How I didn’t have eyes for anyone else. How her smile turned me into a lovesick fool and how I fell in love with her.

“So I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I know you’re probably laughing at me, right? Anyway…” I started to say, then cleared my throat. “Every day I regret the way I acted the last time I saw you. Everything was my fault. If I would have been a better man—a better friend, we would have never been at the courthouse and you would have never left mad. You wouldn’t have died that day. And I’m sorry. I never want to feel the way I did that day again.

“It’s taken me a long time to realize how much of an asshole I was. I blamed you for years; blamed your nagging ways and how you tricked me into staying with you instead of living my dream of playing Major League Baseball. When you died, I was so lost. I didn’t know how to be a single father—didn’t want to be a single father.

“I always thought that you would be here, to help me raise our baby girl, but you’re not. I’m sorry. I’m truly fucking sorry. I’m sorry for being a jackass and sorry that you died unhappy. I never imagined Cheyenne growing up without you and not seeing how much of a good person you truly were. To see how much she looks like you. I’m sorry you didn’t get to say goodbye to her. I’m sorry that she didn’t get to say goodbye to you.

“I show her pictures, but they’re not enough. She looks so much like you. She has your smile, your eyes and your attitude. She needs a mother, Dana. I can’t let my mother be her only mother figure. She needs a mother and a grandmother. Fuck, she needs a better father. I’m going to change that.”

I paused taking a moment to wipe a few tears from my face.

“I know you’re looking down on us from heaven and I want you to know that I met a girl. She’s amazing. She makes me laugh and I haven’t truly laughed in a long time. She called me out on my shit about how I’m raising Cheyenne and never letting a girl get close to me. But you know what I think? I think
you
sent her to me. It just took a long time for you to find her for me—or maybe you knew all along. Maybe you’re the one that made me move to New York where it’s closer to Boston. Maybe you’re the one that made Avery and I go on the cruise because you know I would have never done such a thing.

“I miss you Dana. I never told you, but I hated seeing you cry when you were mad at me. How you cried when you found out that I cheated on you. Hated the shit I put you through—the shit I said to you. I’m surprised you never cut my dick off while I was sleeping.” I paused again, laughing a little at the image of her actually cutting my cock off.

“You never deserved any of it. You deserved someone better. Someone that wouldn’t have put you through hell. I hope up in heaven you’ve found that person. Someone that has shown you what a woman deserves.

“Anyway, I need to wrap this up. The taxi driver is waiting for me and so are Cheyenne and Avery back at the hotel. I just wanted you to know that I plan on Cheyenne meeting Brooke. I plan on her being in my life forever, so if you don’t want her to be in my life, you need to take her from me. I deserve that. But Brooke deserves to be happy too and I will make her happy. I promise.

“I know that I don’t always live up to my promises, but in this case, I will. You were my first love and I’m positive that Brooke is my last love. She needs to dump the loser boyfriend she has and when she does, I’m going to show her that men can change. I’m going to take every fight we had, every fuck up I did when we were together and never do or say any of that again. I’m going to love the shit out of her and I know Cheyenne will too. Brooke’s special. So please, give me a sign that I shouldn’t be with her or please take me to her—I need her.”

Brooke

I
woke up to the sound of running water. I didn’t sleep well, tossing and turning as I thought about how much of an idiot I was. Easton was in the shower, and I felt like running. I didn’t know how to react towards him after I turned our kiss into the most awkward moment of my life.

I’d been imagining his lips on mine, and then when they were, I enjoyed the feel of them until I remembered Jared at home. I knew I was going to break up with Jared, but I believed in karma, and I couldn’t cheat on him and feel good about being with Easton.

I needed time.

As I gathered my luggage, my right arm and shoulder were in the worst pain I had ever felt. I’d gotten a massage the day before and hoped that it would make it better, but it made it worse. It felt like the muscles were inflamed, like they were angry with me. I was fucking angry at them!

When will the pain go away?

With my hand on the doorknob, I turned, looking for a piece of paper to write Easton a note. This was the coward’s way out, but when my heart was telling me to do something that my head wasn’t, I tended to freak out.

I wanted Easton, but I needed to do it right.

I was struggling with falling out of love with Jared and falling in love with Easton. I was scared. Jared had been a part of my life for a long time, like a comfort blanket. The more I got to know Easton, the more I fell in love with him and out of love with Jared. I’d never experienced that before. I didn’t love two men at once; I loved one, and he wasn’t my boyfriend.

I found a discarded receipt from eating breakfast in Cabo. After tearing off the bottom part that was blank, I wrote Easton a note. It wasn’t goodbye, and I didn’t want him thinking it was. I was just an idiot and a coward, and I needed time.

I left the room, left Easton in the shower and left without a goodbye.

Maneuvering through the herd of people trying to get back to their appropriate rooms and instead of the rooms where they’d fucked each other’s brains out, I walked slowly like it was the walk of shame.

I knew I was early getting to Nicole’s room, but I saw an opportunity and took it.

“Nic, it’s me,” I said, knocking loudly on the door. There was no answer. Knocking again, “Nicole, open the door please.”

After a few seconds of silence on the other side of the door, I heard the deadbolt turn and then the door opened. “Really, B, it’s like eight o’clock. I thought we decided on nine?” Nicole asked, yawning.

“I kissed Easton last night, and I’m freaking the fuck out!”

“Oh shit! Okay, give me five to say goodbye to A and then we’ll talk.”

Nicole closed the door in my face, and I groaned, turning around to rest my body against the door. People were running around the tight hallway, reminding me of college movies. My life was so fucked up at that moment, I just wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out.

Breaking someone’s heart was never a good thing. I didn’t want to hurt Jared, but I needed more. He wasn’t the one for me, and I’d already spent over four years of my time hoping he was
the one
. Sometimes situations happen to make you open your eyes and realize that you’re not in the right relationship, or maybe Easton gave me the attention that I was hoping Jared would give me.

Was Easton right when he told me that the grass
was
greener on the other side? Or was he just caught up in the moment and wanting to get in my panties?

The door swung open behind me. “What up B.B.?” Avery asked with a nod.

“Ready to go home and sleep in my own bed,” I answered, honestly.

“It was nice meeting you, and I will see you soon,” he said, kissing my cheek.

“It was nice meeting you, too.” I smiled.

Nicole kissed Avery goodbye. There was a sadness in her eyes, but we knew all along this day was coming. I suspected she would start spending her weekends in New York.

“Are you ready to start being my best friend again?” I asked, pushing past her.

“I know, I know. But Avery is so…” She trailed off, leaning against the closed door of the room.

“I know, he’s great. And so is Easton,” I said, sitting on the end of one of the twin beds that were pushed together.

“Okay, tell me about this kiss.”

“We were dancing at the ball. Wait, how long were you two at the ball?”

“I don’t know, not that long,” she said, blushing.

“Of course not. Anyway, we were dancing for a long time. Took breaks to eat and get drinks. We were laughing and having a good time, and I forgot that it was the last night we would have together, and then it was as if he remembered, and he said it wasn’t goodbye. I said that I knew it wasn’t, and he cupped my face with both hands and kissed me.

“It was the best first kiss that I’ve ever had. His mouth felt right against mine. I didn’t feel any physical sparks like I read in those damn books we read, but there was just something about it that felt—perfect. And then stupid fucking Jared popped in my head, and I thought about karma, and I don’t want to start something with Easton when I’m with Jared. You know?”

I finally stopped talking and looked up to Nicole staring at me. “You love him.”

“Who?”

“Easton. You love Easton!”

“Nic…”

“You love Easton, and I fucking approve! When we get home, you need to break up with Jared and come with me to New York next weekend.”

*~*~*

By the time our plane touched down in Boston, Nicole had told me every detail of her weeklong fuck fest with Avery. It was nothing new for us to tell each other every detail of our lives, but her story took up the whole five and a half hour plane ride home. I’d come to the conclusion that even though we barely hung out on the cruise, I still had a good birthday present.

As we taxied to the gate, I turned on my cell and waited for it to boot up. I hadn’t turned it on since we left home eight days prior. Missed texts and voicemails popped up with fifty-seven unread emails. Being away from reality for eight days was bittersweet.

I dialed Jared to let him know that we had landed and to be ready for us at the curb outside baggage claim. There was no answer. I tried again, but there was still no answer.

“What the fuck?” I said, staring at the phone after hitting the End button when Jared’s voicemail came on.

“What’s wrong?”

“Jared’s not answering.”

I tried again and still no answer. That time, I left a voicemail that we landed and to be waiting. I also sent a text for good measure.

“If he doesn’t show, I’m going to beat the shit out of him,” Nicole said, reaching for her carry-on bag in the overhead bin.

“He wouldn’t leave us. He knows we are coming home today. I even printed the itinerary and put it on the fridge. He’s coming.”

We exited the plane and made our way to baggage claim. I tried Jared again, but still no answer.

“I’m glad you’re breaking up with him,” Nicole said as we waited for our bags at the carousel.

“I don’t think it’s going to be that easy.”

“Why? You fell in love with Easton and he wants you, too.”

“Yeah, but what if he just wants me for sex and doesn’t want a relationship? What if I’m throwing away a stable relationship for a fling?”