Infinite (Strange and Beautiful, Book 1) (38 page)

Truthfully,
I really did want to see it but not with Skylar. She hadn’t read the book, and
she wouldn’t know anything about it. She probably wouldn’t even like it. Despite
her dark makeup and Goth rock style, she was a romantic comedy fanatic at
heart. It just seemed so unfair, and I couldn’t understand
why
Jackson
would make plans to see it with Skylar.

I
took a deep, steadying breath and looked at him over my shoulder. I didn’t even
attempt a smile; I was too busy trying to keep my anger hidden. “Sorry, but I
really can’t. I hope the two of you have fun.”

I
didn’t wait for his reply and hurried upstairs to my room. I sat my Dr. Pepper
on my desk and collapsed on my bed. My heart was pounding. At least it was
still working properly, which was odd because every time I turned around I felt
as if Jackson broke it.

I
lay back on my bed and stared up at the ceiling for a moment, but it was far
too quiet. Luke wasn’t home to blare his music next door, and I could hear
Skylar laughing downstairs. I sat up abruptly and stomped over and switched on
my CD player. I didn’t know what CD was in the player, and I really didn’t
care. I just hit play. The last thing I wanted was to hear Skylar downstairs
laughing and having a good time with the guy
I
liked.

As
soon as the music started to play, I knew it was Kelly Clarkson. I walked back
over to my bed as my room was filled with the sounds of “Breakaway.” I lay back
on my bed with my head on the pillows. I stared up at the ceiling and tried not
to think about anything at all. That was a much harder task than I imagined
possible. I was always thinking about something, and right now Jackson was at
the forefront of my mind.

Rationally,
I knew it was unfair of me to be angry with him for hanging out with Skylar
since she knew him first, but logic didn’t stop me from feeling hurt or angry.
I just didn’t understand why they’d decided to hang out now. I still wasn’t
even sure where they stood on the friendship spectrum.

Since
Jackson had only been to the house once before, acquaintances seemed like a
better word to describe their relationship. I doubted Skylar even knew much
about Jackson. She’d probably never bothered to ask him about his family or
job. Even if she had, she’d probably never remember any of it since it had no
bearing on her.

I,
on the other hand, always remembered what Jackson told me because I
cared—because I
wanted
to know more about him. I liked when he’d tell me
stories about the things he’d done with his brothers—like staying with Eric in
the city over the summer and working for him at the auto shop he managed or
sneaking into clubs with Jordan and his friends—or when he’d do things with his
sisters—like take Chloe to the park and have a picnic tea party with her even
though people would look at him like he was totally lame or tease Clare every
time she dyed her hair another crazy color.

I
liked when Jackson suggested bands for me to check out because he usually told
me what he liked about the band or mentioned his favorite song or lyric and
sometimes explained how he interpreted the music.  When I’d listen, I’d try to
see if I could hear what he did. If not, I’d tell him what I thought of the
lyrics. When I’d suggest music to him, I always found myself anxious to hear
what he thought. It made me feel connected to him in some way.

He
never judged me, either. He never treated me like I was just a stupid kid. I
was his equal. We respected and understood each other, or at least that was
what I’d thought. Now I was beginning to wonder if it was all just a charade. I
wondered if any of it was real, or if maybe I’d just read too far into things.

After
“Breakaway” finished playing, “Since U Been Gone” started. I closed my eyes and
listened to the lyrics. The first few lines about starting out as friends only
to discover it was little more than make-believe hit so close to home.

Things
had started out so well between us. Through our talks on AIM, I felt like I’d
learned so much about him. It was easy to open up to him that way, and I was
starting to feel that way when we were face to face as well. Up until the
bowling incident, I felt pretty good not only about where things were going
between us but about myself as well. 

Now
I just felt nervous, hurt and angry every time I saw Jackson. The nerves came
from not knowing what to say to him anymore. It was as if we’d completely
disconnected, and every day it became harder and harder to bridge the gap.

Skylar
had poisoned my mind with her beliefs as to where Jackson’s motives lie, and in
my mind he had done little to contradict her. When he’d come around, he’d show
interest but his attention was always diverted as soon as Skylar entered the
picture. It was stupid, but it left me feeling abandoned and neglected. Even if
he had romantic feelings for Skylar, that was no reason for him to forget about
me.

I
kept telling myself I would be fine if Jackson wanted to date Skylar so long as
he didn’t disregard his friendship with me in the meantime, but deep down I
knew that wasn’t really true. The idea of Jackson and Skylar dating made my
stomach churn. I
knew if Jackson and Skylar dated it would never last, and I had no way of
knowing what kind of damage it would cause my relationship with him when it was
over between them.

Even
though I didn’t operate under the illusion that Jackson would ever fall for me,
I just wanted Skylar to go away so I could at least have my friend back. Tegan
kept insisting she thought Jackson and I were a real possibility as a couple,
but I just couldn’t see it. Without Skylar, it was a long shot, but with Skylar
in the picture, I was almost positive it was hopeless. Even so, I knew I could
settle for just friendship as long as Skylar wasn’t part of the equation.

I
knew it selfish and wrong, but I felt as long as Skylar was lurking around I
would always be competing for Jackson’s attention. It wasn’t like I couldn’t
share, but most of my life had always felt like a contest for consideration.
Even though it was usually negative attention, Skylar always got more of our
parents’ notice.

In
my mind, she was usually conceited and mean, but other people always seemed to
migrate to Skylar as well. Whatever face she presented to them would never work
with me because my perception of her was likely too tainted to overlook the bad
to see the good beneath. Sure, she had moments where she was relatively nice,
but those moments were so far and few between with me. 

As
“Since U Been Gone” continued to play, I noted all of the lines I could relate
to as I stared morosely at the ceiling. A couple more songs played. When “I
Hate Myself For Losing You” came on and I started analyzing how the song
pertained to me, I realized lying in bed, sulking and stewing over my anger and
hurt wasn’t going to change anything. I was being stupid, immature and
ridiculous. This behavior wasn’t like me. Yet, knowing this, I couldn’t seem to
make myself move.

I
listened to the rest of the songs, blinking back tears as I rolled to my side
and curled into the fetal position. I was so sick and tired of being angry and
upset. I knew it was useless calling Tegan to talk. I already knew what she’d
say. “The only way to fix this mess is to talk to Jackson about it.”

I knew
Tegan was probably right, but every time I looked at Jackson, I kind of wanted
to yell and throw things—namely at his head. If Skylar was nearby, those
feelings multiplied ten-fold.

Sadistically,
I couldn’t help but wonder what they were doing downstairs. Were they still
watching the movie or had Skylar put on the charm? If she had, then they were
probably on the verge of copulation on our parents’ couch. I half hoped one of our parents
would come home and catch them.

I
loved the idea of Skylar getting yelled at and grounded for weeks. Then, on
second thought, I realized grounding would mean Skylar would be home. I already
hated seeing her stupid face when she was home now. I couldn’t bear the thought
of her being around all the time. I prayed for the sake of my sanity that
Jackson and Skylar were still just watching the movie.

I
lay motionless for what seemed like an eternity until the album had played all
the way through. In the silence, I briefly considered getting up to put in
another CD, but I decided that required more energy than I possessed, so I
stayed still. Thankfully, I couldn’t hear Skylar’s annoying, high-pitch
giggling anymore. In fact, I couldn’t hear any other noises either.

Our
once humming household felt quiet and empty most of the time now. I was
beginning to grow used to it, but I wondered if I was the only one who still
noticed. I probably was since I always thought too much. I was beginning to
wish I didn’t. It would probably be nice to just switch off my brain for a few
hours and rest it before it exploded.

Slowly,
my eyes began to grow heavy. School was exhausting, and watching my sister sink
her claws into Jackson made my mind numb with anger. The only logical thing I
could do was sleep. I half wished I could just sleep it all away. Close my eyes
and escape the mess my life had become and when I woke up, it would all be
fixed. If only it worked like that.

As
I was drifting into sleep, a knock at my door startled me awake. I sat up
slowly, confused as to who it might be. I hadn’t heard them pull into the
driveway, but I hadn’t really been listening for them either, so it was
possible Luke or Dad had come home.

I
sat up, pushing my hair away from my face and yawned before I said, “Come in.”

As
soon as the door opened, I wanted to jump up, slam it shut and lock it, but
Jackson had already stepped into my room before I could even move. “Hey,” he
smiled as he looked around.

“Hi.”
I immediately felt self-conscience and the uncertainty was clear in my voice.
My room was a mess. There were clothes scattered across the floor as well as
several other items out of place.

I
watched as Jackson looked around the room, scanning my walls, surveying the
various posters before he finally looked back at me. “I like your room.”

“Thanks.”
I picked at my comforter, embarrassed.

Any
other time I probably would have been pleased that Jackson seemed to like my
room, but I couldn’t find the enthusiasm now. I’d never had a guy in my room
before—with the exception of Dad and Luke, who didn’t really count, and I would
have preferred my room not be a mess, so I was feeling a bit uncomfortable. It
didn’t help that I was still upset with Jackson for watching a movie we’d
discussed with Skylar.

“So
. . .” Jackson shoved his hands in his pockets and rocked on his heels.

“So
what?” Normally, I would have asked this in a teasing tone, but I was feeling
anything but playful. I didn’t feel like putting on the charade and acting like
I was happy. I was tired of doing that. I wasn’t going to pretend anymore. I
felt tired and angry and all around shitty, and I wasn’t going to hide it.

Jackson
walked over and sat down on my computer chair. “What’s going on with you?” he
asked as he rested his elbows on his knees and supported his head with his
hands.

“What
do you mean?” Okay, so maybe I was still being evasive.

Jackson
rolled his eyes. I noted they were more gold than green today.

  “Come
on, Silly,” he sighed. “You know what I’m talking about. You’ve been avoiding
me this week. Well, actually, for the last couple of weeks. I came by last
Sunday to check on you, and you said we were fine, but the next thing I know,
you’re running out of the room like there’s a fire.”

I
bit my lip and stared down at the comforter. I could feel Jackson’s too
perceptive eyes on me, but I wasn’t sure how to reply. Of course there were
about a million things I wanted to say to him, but fishing out the right words
wasn’t easy.

“You’ve
been avoiding me at school again,” he continued when I didn’t speak. “And what
was that the other day when I saw you in the hallway? I waved at you, and you
glared at me,” he said. “So, please, don’t tell me nothing’s wrong.”

I
glanced up at him. His gaze was still fixed on me, and I really wished he would
look someplace else. It was much harder to be angry with him when he was
looking at me with an innocent, confused expression on his face. I reminded
myself not to cave. All I needed to remember was to think of Skylar waiting for
him downstairs. Unfortunately, that was also the first thought I was able to
form into words.

“You
probably shouldn’t keep Skylar waiting.”

Jackson’s
forehead creased. “What?” It was the first time I’d ever heard him sound
annoyed. “Are you just going to completely ignore everything I said?”

“Ignore”
was definitely the wrong word to use because it only seemed to fuel the angry
fire burning within me. “Huh? That’s funny,” I scoffed. “Kind of like the pot
calling the kettle black, really.”

“Silly,
what are you talking about?” The crease in Jackson’s forehead deepened with his
confusion.

“Well,
you brought up the issue of
ignoring
stuff, didn’t you?” I replied. I
could hear the words coming out, but I sounded nothing like myself and I
couldn’t seem to stop. “I just find that really rich coming from
you
.”

Jackson’s
eyes widened, but the frown creases lessened slightly, and I could hear the
anger building in his voice as he asked, “Oh? Why is that?”

“Because,
Caption Oblivious,
you’re
the one that seems to forget
I
even
exist as soon as you see Skylar.” It felt so good to get the words out there,
but my heart was racing. Normally, I was terrible at any kind of confrontation.

Jackson’s
head cocked to the side and some of his anger faded while the confusion
remained. He combed a hand through his messy hair as he said, “I have no idea
what you’re talking about.”