Authors: Shuvom Ghose
Tags: #humor, #army, #clone, #war, #scifi, #Military, #aliens, #catch 22
"Well what do you want me to do about it?"
He just frowned and stared down at his plate, eating.
"Look, Zaz, we'll stop by Three-Spot on the way back."
He just grunted at me.
I finished eating what my knotted stomach would allow and on the way out, we walked by the leader of Second Chance Squad as he stood admiring their skulls. He was a tall blond with a short prison crew-cut, tattoos on both forearms and a nasty scar across his cheek. The nametag on his fatigues said "Grant."
"Nice job," I said through gritted teeth. I couldn't look up at Yellow-Sun's hanging skull.
Grant sighed in satisfaction. "We're just trying to do our job, same as you. Get back home as fast as possible."
That made me pause. "They told me your entire squad was pulled from military prisons. Why the hell would you want to hurry back to that?"
He smiled at me, his scar rippling. "They promised us full pardons. But only if we won the war against the spiders. Quicker we do that and get back home, the quicker we get back to our lives again."
Zazlu and I were giving each other a look. "And what was your life, back home, exactly?" he asked.
"I was a Marine Scout sniper. Two of my boys were Delta Force. A couple British SAS. Got a couple of Navy Seals and West Pointers, too."
"No fucking way," I said.
"Hey, if I was being sent on a god-forsaken bug hunt," Grant laughed, "I wanted the best of the best beside me."
I sized him up, ending my look in his blue eyes. "And what, exactly, were you in prison for?"
"Hitting a senior officer." And he said it with a smile.
I saw Hector and Samson lead three other Immortals into the cafeteria, their eyes turning predatory when they saw us. I looked back at Grant, talking as I backed towards a door. "There may be a faster way to get back home and get your pardons, but without all this-" I pointed at Yellow-Sun's skull, "unnecessary bloodshed. We should talk about it sometime."
Grant gave me a serious look as I was leaving. "We should."
Zazlu and I discussed Second Chance Squad as we walked to the Holding Area. There was a lot of potential there. I ordered Zazlu to start exploring it.
The same BlackShirt as before was guarding Three-Spot's room, but Zazlu approached him first, there were smiles, pats on the back, and after something small exchanged hands between Zaz and the guard, we were let in.
Three-Spot was curled into a tight ball in one corner. And his food bowl was half-empty.
Oh, Three-Spot, you didn't!
"It was too cold, Group of Trees." His gravelly voice was weaker than I remembered it. "I could not resist, even though I knew it was poisoned."
How bad is it?
"It is moderately painful. But getting worse. I feel my stomach will reject the food and empty itself. Then I will only be forced to eat more."
Don't eat any more! We'll get you something else!
Zazlu looked at me. "How?"
The door opened and Inspector General Himenez walked in, smiling, perfectly dressed and shaved as always.
"Lieutenant Forrest, Lieutenant Mohammed," he said, "I happened to be watching the feed of this room's security cameras from my room and noticed you two enter. So I decided to see what the excitement was about." He smiled at me. "Especially since General Oakley ordered the guards to let no one but the science staff inside."
I saw Zazlu tense up. We had just burned one of his BlackShirt contacts. That guard wouldn't be doing us any favors again.
"I was the one that captured this prisoner in the first place," I said. "I wanted to see what they were doing to him."
Himenez was nodding. "That is understandable. I read the report about his capture during my wormgate trip here. That was quick thinking on your part, with the Halon. I also have been reviewing the recordings of the cameras in this room."
He put his hands behind his back and stared at Three-Spot. "The way this one holds himself, the way he looks at his food and his visitors, I'm coming to think they're actually far more intelligent than we first believed."
That sent chills down my spine.
"Actually, this one just sits motionless, staring at the walls most of the time," I said. "Just like a cow. I wouldn't give him too much credit."
Himenez nodded, still looking at the spider. "Perhaps." He rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "I also noticed that, every few days, these cameras experience a glitch to their audio and video, recording only static for three to five minutes."
Oh shit.
"And every time those stretches of static occur," he continued, "you or one of your Infinity Squad Lieutenants have recently passed the security cameras in one of the two halls leading to this room." He turned his smile to me again. "Do you like staring at cows, Lieutenant?"
Even though my pulse was pounding in my ears, I managed to say, "There are a lot better things to stare at on this side of the base than some spider. That hot blond radio operator, for one."
The bureaucrat chuckled. "Yes, that is true. I'm having her reassigned to an administrative role back at the Pentagon, by the way. I've concluded she's too much of a distraction to have around a forward operating base." He looked up at the corners of the room. "I also put in an order to upgrade these cameras. We can't have security systems shorting out at random."
He indicated the door. "Now, if you don't mind, I'm sure you've got important business to attend. The scientists who will enter in a second do. I've ordered them to accelerate the prisoner's torture schedule. We need to learn much more about this enemy. And how to hurt him."
The spider's voice entered my head as I was leaving. "Bunch of trees! The Wrestler says he has lightning snakes in his backpack! Could I have them now?"
No. I'm sorry.
"Why not? I can smell them!"
I'm sorry! The third human is an enemy. We cannot act in front of him.
"But my hunger! The poison!"
Look, I'm sorry! We'll be back soon.
With a sick feeling to my stomach, I let Himenez usher us out the door.
Three hours later, Dakota was shaking her head. "No, I couldn't get a thing out of him. Just some polite, bland answers and after about three minutes he politely ended the interview."
"What?" Juan scoffed. "Did you do that thing, you know, with your-"
"Yes, I did
the thing
," she said, giving her boyfriend a stare as she pulled down the hem of the shortest skirt I had ever seen her wear. "But he didn't look. At all."
Juan couldn't believe it. "What! Is he gay or something?"
Dakota's lips were a tight line. "No. He's just very... disciplined."
I crossed my arms. "Yeah, we're coming to realize that. Butcher, how about you?"
Dakota was in a short skirt, heels and crisp white dress shirt with a few strategic buttons undone. Next to her stood Ann-Marie, in her usual pressed fatigues, combat boots and semi-auto strapped to her thigh.
"He's like a boa constrictor," Ann-Marie said. "He's patient, methodical, and he captures his prey by slowly cutting off one asset after another until they make a mistake or suffocate under the pressure. He's been on 22 investigations for the U.N. Security Council and succeeded on all of them. He's a stickler for details and cross-checking records, he has ultimate authority to recommend punishment in any case he brings forward and has recommended multiple life-sentences 5 times. His main goal is to make the execution of the war more efficient, but he has a secondary charge of reducing corruption, and he's free to pursue anyone and any case he finds. He served two years mandatory service in the Spanish army, Logistics
and
Sniper training, and he has a sister and two nieces back on Earth."
She smiled at Dakota. "And I didn't even have to shave my legs."
"But you do shave your legs, right?"
"Shut up Juan." I turned back to Ann-Marie. "Butcher, that's great, but how to we defeat him?"
She was shaking her head. "He's like a force of nature. You don't defeat a tornado, you just survive it."
"Great."
"But the brain slugs, on the other hand," she said, "are the deadliest enemy on this planet, have few defenses and are all contained in one area. We can take them out right away and then batten down the hatches to survive Himenez."
I looked at Zazlu. He nodded.
"Okay," I said. "Here's what we're going to do..."
I checked out ten flamethrowers from the armory, and the desk sergeant mentioned how it was weird that no squad other than Infinity ever asked for them regularly. Except for the Second Chancers. Zazlu procured ten hazmat suits from somewhere, and because Steve wouldn't shut up about it, we salted the outsides of them.
Then Zazlu and I went to see Jinx about a trip.
"Guys, I can't," he said after we pulled him away from his card game in the back of the hangar.
That was unusual. "Jinx," I said, "it's
us
."
"I know, but... it's that Inspector guy. He's locked everything down, so that we have to have an authorized mission code before Flight Control will give me permission to leave. I can't even rev the engines on my bird without a code!" He looked genuinely torn up about it.
"Fine," I sighed. "Where do we get the code?"
"TacOps."
"Great."
Since I had already burned my bridge with Flores we sent Ann-Marie in alone to get the approval. She came out ten minutes later.
"The results are mixed," she said. "I got the code. We've got an authorized mission to enter the other two cave systems."
"What's the bad news?" I asked.
"We have to take the Immortals with us. Oakley's directive, remember? That we're not allowed to leave the base without another squad accompanying us. They have reminders posted over all the walls in TacOps."
"Did you try to get one of the other squads?" Zaz asked. "The Second Chancers?"
"Yes I tried," she said, looking annoyed. "The Seconds went out yesterday, the Omegas are going out tonight. It's Immortals or no mission."
I shook my head. "Fuck. But I'd still be in charge, right?"
"Yes. Comms is going to be listening on the radio. If Hector gives you any trouble, you have authority to remove him immediately."
"Fine. We'll have Hector guard the choppers and Zazlu plus the Immortals guard Hector while the rest of us firebomb the slugs back to the Stone Age."
It turned out Hector was as eager to get going as us. His squad was already waiting in the hangar, huddled near the helicopters, by the time we had gotten all of our hazmat suits hidden in our backpacks and strapped our flamethrowers on.
"Good to be working with you again," Hector said as soon as all our implants were set to the same channel. "I'm eager to see what surprises the rest of the caves have to offer. To further our war effort."
"I bet you are," I muttered. "Squad! Mount up!"
Flores only gave us codes for the automatic piloted helicopters, so that he and Himenez could track exactly where we went and how long it took. All ten of Infinity Squad got into two waiting helos at the front of the line and the ten Immortals got into two at the back. We took off without incident.
About five minutes in, Hector raised us on the radio.
"Hey, Lieutenant Forrest! Sir!"
"What, Hector." I didn't have time for his shit. This was only the second or third time most of our privates had been out in the field. And we were going against brain slugs. I was worrying about how to keep them from freaking out and tearing off the hazmat suits when they got claustrophobic.
"This is about how high we were when I rolled myself out of your chopper, huh?"
"We're not talking about that now. Keep this channel clear."
"I just wanted to tell you I didn't have any hard feelings about that. I got one more death mark but hey, war is hell, right?"
"That's fine. Thank you. Over and out."
I could hear the smile in his voice and it made my skin crawl even before he said it. "All I'm saying is: have a nice flight."
And then the rotors of the helicopter behind us blew off.
"NO!" I screamed, looking out the side. That was the one with the privates! Telson, Harper, Delton, Finch and Steve! All in their birth bodies! "NO!"
Hector started chanting as I watched my men fall to their death. "First to kill, first to die, first to hear the bullet's cry!"
Then the rotors of our helicopter blew off, and I felt the sick sensation of dropping faster and faster. I gripped the seat, watching the ground rush towards me and prayed that the fall killed us before the flamethrowers exploded.