Infraction (7 page)

“How do I know I can trust all that?”

“I’ve never made you any promises, because that would be confirmation of the feelings
I wouldn’t allow myself to have. So I buried them.” He picked up my hand and placed
it palm down on his chest over his heart. “As cheesy as it sounds, this changes now
because I’m promising you – my heart is yours.”

My brow scrunched together. “Not all of it.”

Sadness washed over his features. He couldn’t deny it.

C
HAPTER
6

W
e lay there for a while, me absorbing everything, Nathan taking in my answer. I scratched
at one of the scabs on my thigh and looked down. My legs were hairy and had bothered
me all week. It shouldn’t have, but what else did I have to think about after I was
done counting the dots on the ceiling? It hit me that I was home now; I could bathe.

“Nathan,” I began, breaking the silence. “I want a shower.”

I turned to look at him, and he nodded. “Okay.”

Climbing off the bed, he moved to my side and picked me up, carrying me into the adjoining
bathroom. Once there, he sat me down on my good foot, careful not to bang my bad leg
on anything before stripping me of my clothing.

“Hold on to my arms.”

It was then I got my first good look at myself in a mirror.

Just when my bruises had finally disappeared, I had a whole new horrifying set.

My face was just as bad off as I thought. Black and blue had turned to yellow and
purple and covered the left side of my face from where I’d hit the glass window. Part
of my hair not far above my ear was shaved off to get the area around the laceration
on my scalp cleaned and stitched. My arms also held varying shades of bruise, darker
around the countless number of stitches that held my skin together. Not too much longer
until those came out.

My focus moved to the other figure in the mirror. Nathan was stripping, and my eyes
went wide. I was about to ask him what he was doing when I recalled the state I was
in; I wasn’t going to be able to shower on my own.

It was the first time I’d seen him without his clothes on in nearly a month, and I
hated to think about how much I wanted him right then. It was like his body was calling
to mine, and mine was desperate to answer, as always.

Perhaps I shouldn’t have felt that way with all that had happened, but I still felt
the pull to him. I was such a mess, my mind and heart both having two different opinions;
the push and pull was exhausting.

Once we were both naked, he helped me to sit on a stool that had been brought in.
I didn’t ask because I noted a few new items around that, when I thought about it,
were all to help me in some way.

He pulled some rubbery looking thing over from the counter and began stuffing my casted
leg into it, being as careful as he could.

He looked up at me and smirked at my expression. “This will seal off your leg so no
water gets into your cast. You really don’t want that. Trust me.”

“Oh. Okay.” I sounded stiff and off to my own ears, but I wasn’t sure how else to
respond. I hadn’t even thought about something like that, and he had it ready to go
whenever I was. He had planned everything out for my arrival home. I didn’t know how
to react to something I wasn’t used to, but it did make my chest clench.

He moved to the shower and turned it on to warm it up. Tears prick at my eyes. I wanted
to wrap my arms around him, feel his lips on mine, and forget the last month had even
happened so we could go back to how it used to be.

I was lying, and I knew it. I wanted to know everything he had told me, the honesty
he displayed. The man in front of me was not the man I had known a month ago.

I took in a deep breath.

“Lila?” I looked up at him; a tear escaped and slid down my cheek.  His face twisted
in pain as he walked over to me. “Come on, the water will feel good.” He bent down
and carried me into the shower.

I was grateful for the first time that my shower had a built in bench, because I was
already exhausted from the previous ten minutes. He sat me down, the spray hitting
me all over right away. It felt so good to have the water running over my skin. I
felt cleaner already, just from the spray drenching me; it was the cleanest I’d felt
all week.

Nathan grabbed the handle on the removable shower head and I placed my hand on his,
directing where the spray would go. After a while I kept it over my head and let it
fall down my body, my muscles relaxing; the tension rolling away with the water.

He soaped up a washcloth with my body wash, but before he connected with my skin I
pulled it from his hand. He looked down at me, startled.

“It’s the only independence I have at the moment,” I said, explaining the need to
do it myself.

He nodded in agreement. “Sorry, I got a little carried away.”

I scrubbed my body as clean as I could, making several passes. All the movement left
me winded and he didn’t want to hand me my razor, but when I pleaded, he relented.
I couldn’t stand being furry any longer.

I was drained by the time I was done, the most physical activity in over a week I
had participated in. Nathan hung the shower head back up after wetting my hair again
and grabbed the bottle of shampoo. He applied some to my hair and sat down next to
me.

His fingers tangled in my hair, working up a good lather. My eyes closed, and I moaned
a little; I always loved my hair being played with. He was careful on my stitches
and avoided that area of my scalp as best he could.

The movement of his hands stopped, and my eyes opened again to find him pulling the
shower head back down to where we were sitting and began rinsing the suds out.

I looked up to him and found him studying my face. One of his fingers reached up and
lightly traced the outline of my fading bruises.

His eyes met mine, and in the depths I could see everything. His pain was on display
full force after our conversation. Had my bruises brought his memories and fears to
the forefront? Tears welled in his eyes before one spilled down his cheek. He leaned
forward and rested his forehead on mine.

My hand reached up to comfort him; his stubble was coarse beneath my fingers. He clenched
his jaw then dipped farther down.

For the first time in over three weeks, I felt his lips against mine. It was soft,
yet hungry and full of a familiar fire.

Too much. The feeling was too much, and I had to pull away.

He nodded in understanding, but it didn’t keep the pain from showing.

A few minutes and a dose of conditioner later, we were done. I hadn’t felt so good
or clean in over a week.

Nathan exited the shower and came back with a towel wrapped around his waist and one
in his hand. He helped me stand and began drying me off a bit before carrying me back
out to the stool in front of the mirror where he removed the blue rubber boot from
around my cast.

Sure enough, the cast remained dry.

He finished drying me off and toweling my hair before taking me back into the bedroom
and laying me down on the bed. He located a fresh set of sleep shorts and tank top
and helped me into them.

His eyes lingered a bit on my skin, but that was all. The normal aggressive, sexual
beast was kept away, and all that remained before me was a broken man.

He arranged the pillows to where I was comfortable again, then left to get me a fresh
glass of water and my next dose of meds for which I was happy.  I was getting accustomed
to being in pain, but the medicine helped take the strong edge off and left a lingering
dull ache.

I noticed every move he made, every conscious decision to make me more comfortable
to sleep.

Such a simple act, but I could
feel
it.

A tear rolled down my cheek, and then the bed shifted with his weight. He was next
to me.

“Are you okay? Do you need more medicine?” he asked, his fingers wiping away the salty
droplet.

“I’m okay, just…rough day.”

He nodded in agreement. We laid there for a few more minutes, gazing at one another.
It wasn’t uncomfortable, just new. Before, if we were in a bed together, we were tangled
together, but now there was an invisible wall. A barrier that kept our bodies’ will
at bay.

The effects of my medical cocktail began kicking in, and I let out a deep yawn.

“It’s getting late,” he noted, taking that as a cue. He stood and stretched, leaning
down and kissing the top of my head. “Goodnight, Lila love.”

I stared at him as he turned and walked to the doorway; my chest constricted at the
thought of him leaving.

“Wait!” I called out to his retreating form, my hand reaching out to him. I couldn’t
stand to watch him walk away from me again. “Please,” I said in a whisper. “Don’t
leave me.”

He stopped in his tracks and turned toward me, his expression a combination of hopeful
and frightened at the same time.

“I’m just going next door, Honeybear, to sleep in your guest room. I’ll leave the
door open so all you have to do is call for me, okay?”

Tears filled my eyes, my bottom lip quivering. I hurt, I was tired, and he was leaving.

Panic rose in his features at my distress. “Oh, no, please don’t cry. I’m right here,
baby, I’m right here.” His hand reached out to stroke my hair.

I wasn’t ready to forgive him, and I wasn’t ready to let him back in, but I couldn’t
stand to not be near him. The other room was too far away.

Why couldn’t the drugs take away the pain in my heart, as well?

C
HAPTER
7

I
awoke warm and in pain, struggling to gain a full breath. There was a squeeze around
my chest constricting me even further. I opened my eyes and turned to find Nathan’s
closed ones in front of me. His arms were wrapped around me, our legs entangled. We
had both drifted in the night, our bodies not fighting the pull as they crawled to
find each other.

“Nate.” I was quiet as I tried to rouse him. As much as I loved being wrapped in his
arms, it hurt to breathe and my bladder was screaming at me, as well. “Nathan, I need
to go to the bathroom.”

My chest tightened over the fact I needed help doing such menial tasks, but I couldn’t
walk yet, even on crutches.

He made a cute noise before snuggling further, mumbling something I couldn’t understand.
“Nathan.” I tried again, this time stroking his cheek, hoping my touch would stir
him.

His eyes fluttered open and a lazy smile spread on his face. “Mmm, Honeybear.” His
voice was sleepy and he snuggled in again, his eyes closing.

His movement caused a surge of pain to shoot through my chest. I drew in a sharp breath
and cried out in pain, my eyes screwed tight.

That got his attention and his eyes shot open, staring at me in horror. “Oh, shit!”
he exclaimed before releasing me. “I’m so sorry!”

His hands were frantic, but gentle, as he assessed me like adrenaline was running
through him in his panicked search of my body. Mumbled apologies slipped from his
lips, but I couldn’t get him to look me in the eye so I could tell him to stop, that
I was all right.

He ran into the bathroom and came out with the first aid kit. I twitched, wondering
just what the hell he was planning on doing with it. Before I could even ask he left
the room again, returning with a glass of water and a handful of my medication bottles.

It was past ridiculous. “Nate!” He jumped, startled at my reaction, his movements
ceased. “What the hell are you doing?”

“Umm…you’re hurt.”

“I hurt anyway, but I cried out because you squeezed my ribs. Once you stopped, the
pain lessened to its ‘normal’ level.”

He stared at me, and I watched the wild look leave his eyes and his breathing calm.
He kissed my forehead before returning the items he had gathered back to their rightful
places.

After a bathroom break, he made up some breakfast, instant oatmeal, and we ate in
the bed while watching the morning news. Once we were done eating, he returned our
dishes to the kitchen and climbed back on the bed with me. We flipped through channels,
settling on a marathon of some reality show.

We lay there, side by side, watching as they went through outbuildings and homes,
yards and estates, searching for unknown hidden treasures. The entire time I felt
Nathan’s eyes on me, and every once in a while his fingers would gently run down my
cheek, against my arm. Goose bumps formed and fire burned in the wake of his touch.

It was strange how comfortable I was with his touch in that moment even after everything
that had happened between us. Was it because I finally knew without a doubt I was
in love with him? I swallowed, and my eyes drifted to his hands on me. My heart fluttered
and my skin warmed at his touch.

I wanted to launch myself at him, straddle his hips, and sink down on his perfect
cock. His hands grabbing me, teeth biting my skin, the need I always felt pouring
out of him. My body was desperate for the connection with him that I hadn’t felt in
almost a month.

A muscle twitch reminded me how such antics would not be good as pain shot down my
leg. Also, my fears and insecurities about Nathan reared their ugly heads, and the
feeling retreated. As much as I wanted the comfort of his body, we weren’t ready for
that yet.

After a few hours and a nap, Nathan turned to me with a mischievous grin.

“What?” I asked, knowing that face meant trouble.

He held up the
Jane Eyre
DVD. “The doctor cleared me; I’m all healed from my lobotomy. I’m more than happy
to watch it with you.”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “You know, it’s a chick flick. You might need another lobotomy
to get through it.”

He smirked at me. “We’ll see about that.”

He got off the bed and popped the DVD in. There was a small buzz of excitement running
through me. It always happened when I was about to watch it, but there was something
different about watching it with Nathan, the man I loved.

I was surprised when an hour and a half later Nathan was still awake; in fact, he’d
been enraptured by it.

Erin stopped by that afternoon to drop off some homemade enchiladas and stayed to
play a board game with us. Something other than television was wonderful. I lost focus
about halfway through and ended up napping through the remainder. Erin won, though
Nathan was not convinced she played fair.

I woke up a while later to Erin sitting on the bed next to me. Her focus was on something
in her lap. She was working with large needles in her hand, and yarn to her side:
knitting.

“You know, Lila, I’m here for you if you need to talk. I’m hoping we can be friends,
so I’m here not only for my idiot cousin, but for you.” Her head rose and her eyes
met mine. There was nothing false in her eyes; no acting. She was sincere and straightforward.
No games, no gimmicks.

“Where’s Nathan?” I asked.

“He had to run a few errands. It’s just you and me.” She smiled before her attention
moved back to her project.

My mouth opened, and I spoke without meaning to. “I’m scared.”

She looked back up and gave me a small smile, her fingers moved to brush a lock of
hair behind my ear. “I know, sweetie. Baby steps. You
will
get through this. I know it’s rough now, but you can lean on me for support – Nathan,
George, Sarah, Teresa, Caroline, Andrew, Trent, and Darren – all of us. You’re not
alone anymore.”

I froze at her last sentence. “What do you
know
, Erin?” Her brother-in-law was my therapist, and I knew about doctor-patient confidentiality,
but I began to worry.

Her brow scrunched and she shook her head. “I don’t know anything. All I know is that
Nathan said you have no family, besides Teresa and her husband.”

I sighed in relief. I didn’t like people knowing the hell I grew up in, because I
couldn’t stand the look of pity I always saw in their eyes. I got out, away from them;
from
him
. I went to college, graduated from law school, and had a nice job. I had become something,
even when most of the time I still felt like nothing.

I took a deep breath, a bad idea when my ribs cried out in protest. Erin’s words and
the sharp pain sparked a memory I was unable to stop from surfacing. It was sudden…
I was lost.

My body shook as the memory of each hit, each kick, each pull of my hair, and each
slap and punch to my face flashed into my mind. The snap and crunch of my broken bones
and the painful breathing they created.

I was unguarded, the memory assaulting me, completely taking over my entire body and
mind. I couldn’t get free of it.

“Lila!” Nathan’s voice called out, and I was back. “Are you okay? Talk to me.”

Nathan was there. I didn’t know when he’d returned, but his hands were holding either
side of my face, his expression frightened and worried. I couldn’t answer his question
because I didn’t know.

Then I noticed wetness from my tears streaming down my face. I glanced over to Erin
and saw the fright in her eyes as well, tears also flowing freely down her cheeks.

I pulled Nathan closer, hiding my head in his neck while I tried to calm down. What
had I said, what had I done, for Erin to wear that look?

It took a few minutes for me to settle, and I pulled away from his warm embrace. His
thumbs brushed my tears away.

“So,” I began, wanting to pull the attention away from me and whatever had happened.
“What did you get?”

Nathan regarded me for a moment, checking to make sure I was really okay before grabbing
the bags. “Well, I picked up a few television shows I thought you might like, as well
as more movies. And I also picked up a Wii game system and about a dozen games to
help keep you occupied. We can’t keep watching Jane and Mr. Rochester.” He winked
at me.

I stared up at him in disbelief. “That’s a lot of money. You already bought me a movie.”

He shrugged his shoulders. “Something to keep you entertained, take your mind off
things. Plus, it can be therapeutic.”

I didn’t buy his reasoning, but was happy to have something fun to do while bedridden.
Nathan smiled like a kid on Christmas when I asked him about the games he bought.
He was so excited, but competitiveness reared when Erin started trash talking him.

Nathan grumbled about Erin cheating on their last game, while a sly smile crept up
on Erin’s face. “He’s a sore loser.”

Nathan handed me my next dose of meds, and an hour later I was out again.

Nathan was still carrying on about Erin’s cheating ways even hours later. She did
not play fair during their game, and I was awoken by name calling and elbow jabbing.
She did make fantastic enchiladas, though.

We spent all of Saturday and Sunday in my bed watching a myriad of movies Nathan picked
up. He must have bought fifty movies to keep me occupied.

Teresa and Sarah made their motherly presence known on Sunday, bringing more food.
It seemed they both thought I would starve to death in Nathan’s care. Neither stayed
very long, as both would be spending a lot of time with me during the week.

I watched as Nathan interacted with both his mom and Teresa. There was no pretense
or act—just a guy talking with his mom.

He was joking around with them, mostly with his mom, about food and cooking. According
to her, Nathan was not to be trusted in the kitchen, though I think he’d improved
since the days of his mother’s memory.

The entire time they were there, and even after, he was touching me: soft caresses
and light squeezes. Small little gestures that added up to my being unable to deny
what he wanted, which was to be close to me.

At one point, he threw his head back in laughter at something, and I stared in disbelief.

Nathan was a different man than he was before my accident. I began to believe his
words that he was altered. He never complained about any of my requests or needs,
but carried them out. He mentioned a newfound respect for his family in all they’d
done for him in caring for me.

I awoke after a nap on Sunday curled into Nathan’s side. I attempted to retreat, to
separate us by rolling on my back. Pain shot through my ribs and my leg. I tried not
to make a sound, but it was no use.

Nathan’s eyes snapped open at my noise, and he sat up. His eyes locked onto the clock,
then he jumped up from the bed and ran to the kitchen. He returned a short moment
later with a fresh glass of water and my next dosage.

“Why didn’t you wake me?”

“I was just repositioning. I was fine until then,” I explained.

His fingers brushed my hair back. “I wish I didn’t have to go to work tomorrow.”

“Your mom and Teresa will be here. I’ll be well taken care of,” I said to reassure
him. His brow scrunched, and I had the feeling he didn’t like my answer.

We spent the remainder of the day playing a few games, nothing too exerting, and watching
more movies.

The next morning the alarm went off, and I groaned as I attempted to silence it before
realizing it was on Nathan’s nightstand. He rose, picking up a groggy me on his way
to the bathroom. I wasn’t quite awake and nuzzled into his neck, my hand clenching
his t-shirt. I might not have been with it, but he was correct in thinking I needed
to use the facilities.

He returned me to the bed afterward and resumed getting ready while I fell back asleep.
I felt his lips on my forehead a little later, along with the next dosage of meds.
I was getting really tired of all the drugs, but I knew they were needed.

“My mom is running behind, so I’ll stay until she arrives.”