Innuendos (It Had 2 B U Book 1) (28 page)

“It’s called a broken heart, Max. I’m sorry that it’s taken you almost eleven years to finally get one, but news flash, they suck and hurt like a bitch.” She kisses the top of my head. “I love you, Max. Remember, how that old saying goes . . . If you love something, let it go. If it’s meant to be, it will come back to you. You let Breezy go, now give her some time to return.”

“I hope you’re right, Mom, because this broken heart shit is for the birds.”

She pats my shoulder as she leaves the room. “It will get easier, Max. Trust me.”

When she’s gone, I break down. It’s been forever since I’ve cried, and today I’ve done nothing but cry. Losing Breezy has been horribly emotional for me, and honestly, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to bounce back from this.

Breezy is my light. Losing her is like walking through a heavily wooded forest in the middle of the night, with a clouded moon and no flashlight to guide me.

I simply don’t believe that I will be able to get her back—not when she loves Travis and not me. She probably doesn’t even care that I’m gone.

It’s the last thought I have for the night. Thinking about Breezy not caring about me being gone is the only thing that keeps me from completely losing it. As long as I keep thoughts like that in my head, I won’t die. I won’t emotionally lose it. I won’t mourn the loss of the love of my life or the loss of my best friend, and I simply won’t love her anymore.

Right . . . I don’t even believe myself anymore.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Breezy

It’s been two whole days without Max, and I haven’t moved. My phone has died. My heart is broken. The only time I get up is to go pee. I know Travis has tried to get a hold of me, but the only person I want to talk to, walked out on me two days ago.

I’ve found a comfortable spot on Max’s floor, right where his bed used to be. I actually think it’s where he slept.
Though, I can’t be certain.

Max’s floor has a lot of odd stains. I shudder to think about what a black light would do in this room. The fluorescent hot spots would be enough to make a forensic lab scientist runaway screaming. His floor smells like Doritos and musty feet. It’s not pleasant, but in this room, I feel close to Max. It doesn’t feel like he’s gone, even though it’s barren and void of any furniture.

I haven’t let Hifflesump go since I came in here. He’s like my life line—a memory of a happy time with Max. We were seventeen. We went to the state fair, where Max won me Hifflesump after playing fifteen rounds of balloon darts. Thirty-five dollars later, I was the proud owner of a teal blue hippopotamus with an overbite. He went from a stuffed animal reject, to my favorite possession. Hifflesump usually sits in my closet, but after Max left, I rescued him from the depths of his prison and brought him out for comfort. It helps, but only a little.

I’ve somehow convinced myself to eat something.

As I’m walking back from the kitchen, there’s a fierce pounding on the door. My heart leaps, because for a second, maybe even a minute, I have a glimmer of hope that it’s Max. I soon realize that he has a key and would just walk in. I’m definitely not dressed for company. I smell like death warmed over and feel even worse. The sheath of crackers in my hand is about all I can keep down without vomiting. I’m so depressed that the thought of eating makes me sick. Even drinking water barely stays down.

I slowly make my way over to the door and weakly open it. There stands Travis: his tie is undone, his hair is messed up, and he looks completely wrecked with worry. The moment he sees me, his hands fly around me.

“Baby, what’s wrong? Are you sick?” He asks, pushing me into his chest.

“I don’t exactly feel well,” I mumble.

“Your work said you called in Tuesday, but they haven’t heard from you in the last two days. I’ve tried waiting in the lobby for you, and then I realized you weren’t coming to work. Georgette said you’ve been playing hooky.”

“Georgette can take a flying leap into an ocean filled with man-eating sharks for all I care. That whore needs to die.”

I think Travis finally smells me, because his nose crinkles and he pushes me away. “Jesus, baby. Have you bathed at all?”

“No, I haven’t.”

“Come on, I’ll run you a bath. Where’s Max? Isn’t he home to make you feel better?” The mere mention of Max’s name makes me lose it again. Anytime I have ever been sick, Max has always made me feel better: making me soup, force feeding me crackers, swaddling me in blankets, and putting ice packs on my head to null my fevers. He even holds my hair when I throw up, so I don’t get vomit in it. Max has always been able to make me feel better. Now he’s gone and the whole reason I feel like shit in the first place.

“Please don’t say his name,” I cry.

“Why? Did he leave?”

“Yes, he told me he was moving out and disappeared.”

“That’s great,” Travis remarks. When he sees my miserable face, his smile fades. “Baby, don’t you see? He moved out so we could move in together.”

“Travis . . .” My voice trails off.

“Think about it. We both want a new start. How awesome would it be if we were both living under the same roof? I could rub your feet after work, and you could walk around naked while cooking me dinner. It would be absolute perfection.”

Flashbacks of taunting Max in my apron while handling hot buns permeate my brain. Those buns are still on the oven—rock hard and not even touched.

“Travis, maybe you should go. I’m not feeling like company today.”

“Nonsense, I’m here to make you feel better. Let’s get you all cleaned up. You smell like rotten feet.” Before I can protest, he picks me up and carries me into the bathroom. He turns on the faucet for the giant Jacuzzi tub, that I’ve only been in once, and starts filling it. He squeezes in some Lavender scented body wash he finds on my shower shelf, and soon the entire tub is filled with yummy smelling bubbles. Carefully, he removes my clothing. If I were any stronger I would protest, but right now I’m so weak. I can barely lift my hand. Once he has me completely naked, he lifts me up and places me in the tub. He then gets undressed and enters the tub with me.

In my head I’m yelling for him to leave. His hand circles my waist, and I’m pulled against him. It feels good to be held right now, and all of the protest my mind is screaming relents to the emotional Band-Aid that being in Travis’s arms brings.

He begins washing me. Taking the bottle of body wash and squeezing it on his hand, he runs the soap across my body. The slippery slope of my breasts is met with the softness of his un-calloused fingers. Max’s fingers, though rough and a little scratchy, did things to my body I didn’t think were possible. I feel a sense of peace warm over me when Travis’s hands work their way across my body. In my mind, I’m back three days ago, when Max was touching me this way.

Why am I thinking about Max again?
He walked out on me. I’m the one who said I didn’t want a relationship, and yet here I am wishing it was Max’s hands washing my body clean. I need to stop thinking about Max. I need to get over this emotional emptiness I feel without him.

Carefully, I turn over and straddle Travis. His erection pushes into my thigh. I close my eyes and banish all thoughts of Max away to focus on the man I agreed to be in a relationship with. It’s not fair to blow off Travis because of Max’s departure. I need to stop being such an emotional zombie.

Travis’s hands grab my ass. “Hold on baby, before we do anything.” He leans over the tub and the water sloshes onto the floor. He grabs the very tip of his jeans and pulls them up until he can reach his wallet. Quickly he pulls out a condom and rolls it on himself. The minute he slides inside me, all my feelings of guilt come rushing back. Having Travis inside of me instead of Max, feels wrong. I put my hand on his chest to stop him, but instead of letting up, he slams into me again.

“God, I missed how it feels to be inside of you.”

“Travis, stop,” I say tears flooding my eyes. “Please, I can’t do this right now.”

He slams into me again. “Baby, come on it’s been months since we were last together. I’ve missed how you feel, and how well I fit inside of you. I love you, Bree. I’m ready for this to go to the next level. Move in with me.” He grabs my hips and begins slowly working me over the top of him. Every movement feels wrong and intrusive. I push against his chest again to try to get off him. He must think I’m trying to please him, because he pulls me back down on top of him.

“Yes, Baby, just like that. Ride me like you used to.”

“Travis we need to stop. This doesn’t feel right. I’m not feeling well.” My stomach gurgles in discomfort. Guilt is eating me alive inside. That emotional hole Max left me with is swallowing everything inside of me.

“Baby . . .” He doesn’t even finish his sentence before I’m hurling crackers all over the wet floor. He immediately releases me, and I jump out of the tub, running over to the toilet. The little bit of food I’ve eaten in the last three days wretches from my stomach. With it, all the emotions of Max leaving me, finally come to life. Without Max I’m miserable. No amount of affection from Travis is going to cover up the emptiness I feel without Max here.

Travis gets out of the tub, grabs a towel, covers his mouth, and runs from the bathroom. “Sorry,” he squeaks. “I don’t do vomit.”

My hair falls into the toilet, and I miss the feeling of Max’s hands when he holds my hair behind me to keep it from getting dirty.

After twenty minutes of dry heaving, I finally leave the bathroom wrapped in a towel, and find Travis standing in the living room fully clothed. He frowns when he sees my pale skin and hangs his head. “I’m sorry. I should’ve listened to you when you said you weren’t feeling well. I got so excited about being inside you again, that I got a little carried away. Can you forgive me?”

“Travis, I think you should go.”

“No, I want to help you get better. I’m going to run to the store and get you something to settle that stomach. I’ll be back.”

The minute the door closes behind him, I slowly make my way to my room, pull on a pair of pajamas, and immediately retreat back to my hole of despair.

I must’ve fallen asleep because I feel someone shaking me.

“Breeanne, wake up. What are you doing in here?”

“Max?” I whisper.

“No, it’s Travis. Come on, Baby, let’s get you to your bed.”

“No, don’t touch me. I’m fine right here.”

“Baby, you can’t sleep on the floor like this.”

“Just go away, Travis. I’m perfectly fine right here.”

“Breeanne, I know you’re sad, but you can’t lay in here wallowing in your grief. Come to bed with me. You’re sick; you need warmth, not the cold floor. Besides, it smells like feet in here.”

“Travis, I told you once already. I’m staying in here. This is my house, and I will sleep where ever I want to. If you don’t like it, you know how to use the door.”

Travis grunts in protest and jumps to his feet. “Fine, if you want to stay in here like a crazy person, then go for it. I’m going to go sleep on the couch.”

The minute he shuts the door, I’m on my feet, locking it behind him. I don’t want any more interruptions. I don’t deserve to feel good or loved or wanted. I deserve to be sad and lying on the cold floor thinking about Max and how I drove him out of my life.

That’s what I deserve and that’s exactly what I’m going to do.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Max

It’s been six whole days since I moved out of my house with Breezy. Six whole days since I last saw her. Six whole days since my        heart broke in two. I’ve been an emotionless zombie since then. I’ve been working overtime, so I won’t think about her, and drinking heavily every night so I won’t dream about her. The only thing I haven’t been able to bring myself to do yet, is fuck someone else to get her out of my system. Girls have hit on me at the bar, but the temptation isn’t there like it was before. I’m afraid if I do anything with anybody, it will wipe Breezy completely off me, and I just can’t bring myself to let her go.

“You look like shit,” Maggie exclaims from the treadmill.

I’m so proud of her. She’s lost a total of thirty pounds in the last couple months. She’s looking healthier. With the two best trainers in the business helping her, she’s well on her way to a healthy weight for herself. Dashawn is so into Maggie, it’s not even funny. He barely leaves her side. Why he’s not here today is beyond me

“Thanks, Maggie,” I mumble.

“Well, it’s true. You look like death’s younger, hotter, brother. You need to snap out of this funk you’re in. It’s damaging my workout,” she grins.

“Sorry,” I grumble.

“Did you tell her how you feel?” she asks.

“Yes. She still chose him.”

“You two slept together, didn’t you?”

I look up at her with tears in my eyes. How can she tell? Is it that readable on my face? “Yes,” I whisper.

“Aww, Max. I’m so sorry. Was it bad or something? Is that why you left?”

“No, I left because I made love to her.” A single tear drops down my cheek, and I wipe it away before the other men in the gym see me crying like a bitch.

“I’m not following.” She cranes her neck and waits for me to answer.

“I’ve never made love to anyone before, Maggie. I’ve had sex. I’ve fucked, but I’ve never made love. The only girl I have ever loved is Breezy. Being with Breezy was like being with perfection. It felt right, like my dick was made for her. I didn’t use a condom either. I always wear a condom. With Breezy, I didn’t care if I got her pregnant. I didn’t care about the risk. All I wanted was to feel her.”