Insecure in Love: How Anxious Attachment Can Make You Feel Jealous, Needy, and Worried and What You Can Do About It (12 page)

Self-awareness requires patience. It must occur at an optimal level of tension between newly developing awareness and old perceptions of yourself and your partner. Otherwise, self-verification will override your new awareness, whether it be thoughts, feelings, or mentalizing.

So, remind yourself of this. Think, journal, complete the exercises in this book, talk with your partner, and share with other trusted family and friends. Above all, persist in your exploration of new ways of connecting with your own experience and with your partner.

Chapter 7

Becoming consciously aware of your biases about yourself and your partner is not an easy process. The discomfort it causes can trigger you to automatically seek reassurance by turning from your growing awareness back to your old biases—those insecure patterns of attachment. For instance, you might become more self-critical or distrustful of your partner. So to help keep your growing self-awareness on a more positive course, you will want to develop self-compassion along with it.

With self-compassion you will be more inclined to view yourself and your partner in a realistic yet positive light; to trust that your partner will be there for you; and to feel good about your self-worth. For example, it can help you resist the tendency to view yourself as unlovable—even if your partner ends your relationship (it may be that she doesn’t love you, but that’s not the same as your being unlovable).

Psychologist Barbara Fredrickson’s research on positive emotions (2001) suggests that the effects of self-compassion generate greater attachment-related security. Her research-based
broaden-and-build theory of positive emotions
basically states that positive emotions increase (or broaden) the pool of thoughts and actions that come to mind in any given circumstance. This helps people in the long term because these diverse options can be used as personal resources to be drawn on later. For instance, when children play, they are developing friendships, nurturing their creativity, and learning more about what makes people tick. This play puts them in a better position to cope with new situations or problems in the future. As an adult, your socializing can help you to feel good about life and can provide connections to people who can be supportive, emotionally or pragmatically, if necessary. In these ways, positive emotions help you to develop the resources to be more resilient, to feel better about yourself, and to trust more in others.

In nurturing positive emotions, self-compassion opens people up to curiosity about, and desire for, even more positive experiences—including in their relationships. The good feelings also encourage people to search for positive meaning in their experiences, even the painful ones. All of this leads to growth.

For instance, consider Amy. Her preoccupied attachment style kept her feeling unworthy of love and unable to truly absorb the caring of others, leaving her less hopeful about finding a partner and stuck at home alone all too often. However, as she developed self-compassion, she could comfort herself as she struggled. This opened her up to doing more things that made her happy—such as socializing more with a few close friends, taking an online class, and even joining a singles hiking club. She met a man in the club who was also clearly uncomfortable in his own skin—something Amy could really sympathize with. She felt good about her ability to comfort this man, something she could not have done if she had not experienced similar emotional struggles.
And
she recognized this as the beginning of a potential relationship!

In this chapter, I will discuss how you can actively nurture self-compassion by building your abilities in the aspects of self-compassion laid out by researcher Kristin Neff (2008): self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness (all discussed in chapter 5). I will begin with the latter two aspects, which propose a helpful attitude and perspective that you can bring to your life. They can also, in turn, help you build up the first aspect, your self-kindness. As you will discover, these three areas overlap a lot and can often be thought of as different aspects of the same thing; so many of the exercises can fit into more than one category.

One of the most painful emotions that a person can have is to feel disconnected and of little or no significant relevance to anyone else’s life. If you struggle with attachment-related anxiety, you can probably relate to this (or the fear of this) all too well. Feeling like part of a greater humanity is a psychological lifeline that keeps people connected and gives them a sense of meaning. With it, they sense that they have value just for being. They can understand themselves and others because they are all cut from the same cloth, so to speak. If you doubt this applies to you or have difficulty really feeling it, then try the following exercises.

Exercises: Practice Generosity and Compassion

You can express and enhance your sense of common humanity by being generous and compassionate toward others. When you give from the heart, you are connecting with that other person’s experience, while reinforcing the common sense of humanity between you. With this in mind, try one or both of these exercises:

Include kindness as part of your daily focus.
It can be very helpful to make a commitment to act in a kind and generous way as part of your everyday activity. Choose to take the opportunities that arise for this. For instance, hold a door for someone or offer to help out a friend or neighbor.

Schedule kind and compassionate acts into your life.
You might want to schedule volunteer activities. You can arrange to help out on a regular basis at a food pantry, school, or hospital. Check the Internet for other options—it’s filled with opportunities to help others.

Offered with an open heart, such acts can provide you with a sense of meaning and a positive sense of yourself and others, as well as helping you to develop self-compassion.

Exercise: Discover the Value in You

Believe it or not, you are a gem among gems. True, not all gems are the same. They differ in many ways, such as their color, durability, and shape—but they are all beautiful. They are often even loved when they’re whole, uncut, and unpolished. And so it is with people. Though their characteristics differ, each and every one is precious—even you.

Not convinced? Think of it this way: Imagine entering a nursery filled with infants. They differ in size, coloring, facial characteristics, activity, and whether or not they have hair. They might be crying or feeding or just in the middle of their other important job—filling their diapers. Now look at each and every child. Which one is not precious? Ridiculous question, right? Given that they don’t
do
anything of value, then their value must come from their very essence. And you, just like every other infant, came into this world with that same precious essence. It is a part of you—even if you have forgotten (or never learned) to recognize and tap into it.

Now imagine children on a playground. Just as with the infants, imagine pointing one out as not being precious or worthy of love. This just wouldn’t feel right. Even if there were a child off to the side, perhaps shy or afraid, you would feel some sense of compassion for his struggle because you sense his value.

Exercise: Be Your Own Best Friend

One good way to develop self-compassion is to leverage the compassion you already feel for others (especially loved ones in your life) and the common humanity between you. To begin, focus on a trait or experience that you have criticized yourself for. It may be something that has made you feel embarrassed, ashamed, different (and not in a good way), or “bad” in some other way. Now imagine that someone you care about is in the same situation. How would you feel toward that person? What would you think of him or her? Chances are that you would be more understanding and naturally compassionate.

While you cannot force yourself to have self-compassion, you
can
consciously think about how you would respond to others in your situation. If your reaction is to be compassionate, this might help you to question your self-criticism and consider being more compassionate toward yourself. The more you practice taking a self-compassionate perspective, the more familiar it will become—hopefully leading you to actually appreciate your thoughts, feelings, and actions, and to respond in a more self-compassionate way.

As I explained in chapter 5, mindfulness is being conscious of your here-and-now experience with a full acceptance of it. Maintaining this perspective helps you to feel secure—much like the attuned and accepting parent helps his or her child to feel secure, especially in times of distress. And just as a secure child can metaphorically carry his emotionally available parent with him throughout life as a mental representation, mindfulness can help you provide this same kind of image for yourself. With it, painful emotions may still be painful, but you will be able to tolerate them better. You’ll be less likely to compound your pain by fighting against them—getting angry with yourself for feeling upset, for example. Also, by watching your mind work, you’ll gain a better understanding of yourself (which I discussed earlier as “mentalizing”). This will make you more open to self-compassion. So, as a mindful person, you will feel a greater sense of stability and insight about yourself, as well as a greater sense of happiness and well-being.

Mindfulness can benefit your relationship by helping you to respond in a more secure way to your partner. Rather than getting caught up in a chain reaction of thoughts and emotions related to your insecurities, you can stay grounded in the present while also being able to observe your experience with some perspective. As a result of this greater self-awareness, you’ll be less likely to perceive a rejection from your partner (or potential partner) that isn’t there—or to at least recognize when you are manufacturing it. You will also have more insight about your partner’s experiences and motivations.

For instance, you might discover that your partner avoids asking you about your day because he fears that you will vent anger at him—not because he doesn’t care. And you will be more likely to become tuned in to his real messages that you might not otherwise have been conscious of (particularly nonverbal ones, such as a look of concern as you walk in from work). By being aware and grounded in this way, you can truly “get”—not just intellectually understand—your partner or date, an essential step in developing intimacy.

Integrating Mindfulness into Your Life

If you wonder whether mindfulness and meditation really are helpful, rather than just a passing fad, you may find it convincing to learn that their benefits have been established by numerous scientific studies. According to an article in the American Psychological Association’s professional magazine,
Monitor on Psychology
(Davis and Hayes, 2012), empirical research has shown that mindfulness can effectively reduce rumination, reduce stress, increase the ability to focus and suppress distractions, lessen emotional reactivity, increase cognitive flexibility (opening people to different ways of thinking about situations), enhance self-insight, increase compassion, and decrease psychological distress. While this can sound like a magical elixir peddled by some snake oil salesman, the research is all there to support the claims; and it’s mounting steadily. If you are looking for a catch, it’s this: mindfulness cannot be swallowed as a pill; it takes practice.

You can practice mindfulness—truly being in the here and now—by informally being mindful during your day. As Jon Kabat-Zinn (1994) suggests in his book
Wherever You Go, There You Are
, your mindfulness practice can be as simple as asking yourself at different times, “Am I awake now?” It can also be taking a moment to absorb your current experiences—thoughts, feelings, and sensations (for example, the smell of the room you are in, the feeling of your body on the chair—or, in my case right now, the sense of my fingers on the computer keyboard).

You can also choose to meditate: more formally setting aside time each day to practice mindfulness—it could be ten minutes, twenty minutes, an hour, or even longer, one or more times a day. Many people think that they can’t meditate because they can’t concentrate well or they get bored sitting still. However, this is based on a misunderstanding. You don’t need a quiet mind, nor do you need to rein in your thoughts and force them to be still. Rather, mindfulness meditation involves paying attention to your experience, distractions and all. To maintain this perspective, rather than get pulled into the fray of their mind’s activity, people begin with the practice of returning to some anchor, such as their breath.

The following exercises offer a way of learning some basics of mindfulness. The first two exercises introduce mindful breathing and mindfulness of other bodily sensations. Then a third exercise builds upon the first two, developing a mindful awareness of emotions. Later in this chapter, in the “Self-Kindness” section, a loving-kindness meditation exercise helps you to more directly nurture compassion.

Exercise: Breathing Mindfully

What can be more natural than breathing? Most of the time, it just happens. It happens while you are thinking and feeling and doing, and are generally distracted with the “contents” of your life. But if you get lost in all these activities, you can rely on your breath to be there as a neutral experience. It can help guide you back to the present moment and anchor you there.

To breathe mindfully, simply close your eyes or lower your gaze. Then shift your awareness to your breath. Follow the flow of your inhale through to its natural end. Note the pause at that point. Then follow your exhale to its end. There is no need to breathe more slowly or deeply, or to change your breath in any way. Simply keep your awareness on what your body is doing naturally. You might feel your chest or belly go up and down with each breath. On your inhale, you might notice a coolness in your nostrils or at the back of your throat. Whatever sensations you feel, just keep your awareness on them.

Maintaining awareness is simple, but not easy. Your mind will undoubtedly wander. The Buddhist description of this as “monkey mind” captures it well. Your mind is naturally restless and uncontrollable, jumping capriciously from one experience to the next. Once you see this activity, make note of it. Then choose to bring your awareness back to your breath. You might say something like, “I don’t need to think about that right now. Instead, I want to return my awareness to my breath.” Then gently do it.

Practice this each day by occasionally bringing your awareness to as few as one or two full breaths. Or you might decide to try it for a few minutes. You can also schedule one or two times daily to do it as a more formal meditation, sitting or lying in a comfortable position for fifteen or twenty minutes. Just as with exercising, it is important to start slowly and work up to your preferred practice—otherwise, you may find it too challenging and won’t keep it up.

Exercise: Embodying Your Body

In addition to bringing mindfulness to your life through awareness of breath, you can bring yourself into the here and now by focusing on your bodily sensations. Choose a simple activity to be the object of your focus, such as showering, cutting vegetables, or walking. Then follow the directions below—paying close attention to the flow of your sensations.

For the purposes of this exercise, let’s say you choose to walk mindfully, which is often done as a formal meditation. If you do this informally, a good time for it might be when walking from your car to your office, or while taking a stroll in your local park. However, you might find it easier to remain focused on your awareness of sensations when you are at home with no place to go and with no one watching—while say, walking back and forth, or in circles. Although you can do it at any pace, it can be helpful to walk very slowly (something that might make you self-conscious in public). Do this for ten minutes or longer—though there is no required length of time for this exercise, you will gain more if you challenge yourself in this way.

Orient yourself.
Take a moment to bring your attention to your body, really feeling the position of it. Consciously let go of other concerns and acknowledge your intention to be mindful.

Focus awareness.
Walk slowly enough that you can stay with every movement in your walking. Feel the muscles in your leg as you raise and then lower it. Attend to the soles of your feet as you gently put down your heel and then the rest of your foot. Feel how the weight of your body shifts onto that foot.

Note when you are distracted.
When you become aware of being distracted by other thoughts, simply make that observation to yourself.

Gently refocus.
Decide to let go of the distraction and return your attention to your sensations of walking.

As you do this exercise, keep in mind the marvel of being able to walk, of how your body is able to carry you. Be appreciative of being able to walk—something that not everyone can do.

Exercise: Mindful Awareness of Emotions

Choose a time when you feel an emotion that is relatively mild in intensity. (You can later work up to meditating on stronger feelings.) Follow the steps below, but be aware that this is not a linear process with a finish line of being comfortably connected with your emotions. Instead, you might make progress one day or one moment, only to find yourself slipping back into more disconnection or distress at another time. Also, you might get a handle on emotions related to one area of your life, only to find yourself struggling more in another area. All of this is a natural part of life. But by learning to approach your emotions more mindfully, you will have a way to reconnect with them and to feel, once again, at home with them—and with yourself.

Anchor yourself in your breath.
Given how easy it can be to get swept away in a wave of emotions or distressed thinking, it’s important to know how to stay grounded and balanced. Meditating on your breath is a perfect way to do this. Your breath comes naturally, is life-sustaining and comforting, has its own rhythm that is easy to observe, and is always with you. So begin by doing the “Breathing Mindfully” exercise earlier in this chapter. Then remain seated with your eyes closed or lowered through the rest of this exercise.

Bring awareness to your body.
Emotions are based in the body, so it is very helpful to connect with sensations in your body. Bring your awareness to the bottom of your feet, noting any sensations there. Then slowly bring your awareness up through your body to the top of your head. Make special note of any tension or unpleasant sensations. Rest your awareness there.

Identify your emotions.
You may notice that particular emotions seem to emerge from, or be related to, these unpleasant sensations. If you can, label these emotions. This will help clarify your experience, but also give you some distance. Move your attention to an emotion that seems particularly strong. If it becomes too intense, return your awareness to your breath. Once you feel calmer, shift again to your sensations and emotions. Stay with them until you no longer feel distressed by them, or you feel you have done this enough. The goal is not to get rid of your feelings, but rather to experience them in an accepting way.

You might find it helpful to complete the “Identifying Your Emotions” exercise in chapter 6, either before doing this one or concurrently with it. You can also practice this during the day to help clarify distressing feelings and to loosen their grip on you.