Insecure in Love: How Anxious Attachment Can Make You Feel Jealous, Needy, and Worried and What You Can Do About It (14 page)

A good partner can help you become more of the person you want to be. Researchers Drigotas, Rusbult, Wieselquist, and Whitton (1999) identified and found support for this process, which they termed the
Michelangelo phenomenon
. Much like Michelangelo would, through sculpting, bring out the beautiful forms that he could see in a block of stone before him, a loving partner can bring out your optimum or “ideal” self and reveal this beautiful nature in you.

Theoretically speaking, the person best able to be there for you in this way has the attributes listed below. I offer this with the qualification that your needs might be met by someone whose traits don’t match parts of this list. That’s okay. This is only meant as a rough guideline—as something to consider (though to seriously consider) as you look for a potential partner or evaluate how well the person beside you is meeting your needs. With that in mind, you want a partner who is:

Securely attached and mature.
Because such people are comfortable with themselves and their connections, they are capable of being emotionally close, as well as wanting themselves and their partners to explore separate, personal interests. They are also able to reflect on themselves and their lives in an open, insightful, and emotionally connected way. This enables them to acknowledge their limitations and nondefensively admit to their mistakes—all without sacrificing a positive sense of themselves. Understanding that others are similarly flawed, they are able to readily forgive their partners.

An effective communicator.
Such partners are good at listening and sharing, which helps them to nurture and maintain close relationships. They can also effectively work through disagreements. In part, they have these strengths because they are generally good at identifying and managing their emotions—a definite plus as you try to connect with another person and work through the difficulties that will inevitably arise in an emotionally intimate relationship.

Appreciative of you.
It is not enough to fall in love. Because relationships are cocreated, they will make you happy in the long term only if your partner respects and values you—and works to express this in some way. Your partner must show an interest in getting to know you. And, although it’s a steep learning curve at first, the quest to know you better should never totally plateau. You will also be happiest and reach your greatest potential with support and encouragement to explore your personal interests.

A good fit.
It is important to enjoy spending time together. This generally means having at least some shared interests. But it definitely means enjoying activities together, even if that just involves having engaging conversations. Sharing, or at least respecting, each other’s values is very important for a long-term relationship. And the more those values affect daily life, the more important it is for them to be shared. For instance, disaster awaits when one partner is determined to have children and the other partner is absolutely against it. Or if one partner is committed to a nomadic lifestyle—say, a career as a traveling salesperson—the relationship will work much better if the other partner is supportive of that.

Ready for a relationship.
Your partner must be willing to make the relationship a priority. This means devoting time and giving attention to it, both when you are physically together and when you are apart. It also involves viewing sex and emotional closeness as two aspects of an intimate relationship that support each other. Finally, a potentially good partner will believe that you—as a couple—are responsible for each other’s happiness.

Again, it’s important to remember that you do not need to find Mr. or Ms. Perfect—which is good, because neither of those people exist. And you don’t even have to find Mr. or Ms. Perfect-For-Me. That can prove to be an unending search with the constant hope of finding a better person just around the corner. Rather, what you need to find is Mr. or Ms. Good-For-Me. I am not suggesting that you settle for someone you are not really happy with, but rather that you make sure you have your priorities straight. With that solid foundation, you’ll be able to accept a little messiness, or no interest in climbing a corporate ladder, or some other “fault” much more easily—and maybe you can even come to appreciate it. For instance, less-than-ambitious career aspirations might be a reflection of the value your partner places on relationships and other nonmaterial aspects of life.

One final caution: Don’t be too quick to move past a “nice-but-boring” date. As Levine and Heller (2010) note, sometimes people equate their attachment-related anxiety with the feeling of being in love. When someone is comfortable to be with and seems accepting of you, your attachment-related anxiety might not be triggered. So it’s entirely possible that the “nice person” you met might be a great fit for you—despite the lack of immediate “excitement.”

Exercise: Imagining Your Perfect Partner

Imagine walking along in some isolated area; you come upon an old wedding ring half stuck in the ground. As you pick it up and wipe off the dirt to see the design on it, out comes a genie. He has the very special power of being able to conjure up the partner of your dreams, or else to change your imperfect partner into that ideal. All he needs is your wish list for what you want in a partner. Think carefully before answering—your future depends on it.

To help with this task, make a written list. Include all the qualities you can think of—personality, way of relating to others, way of relating to you, information regarding parenting (for instance, desire to be a parent, number of children desired, or beliefs about each parent’s role), occupation, physical characteristics, lifestyle, priorities, and interests. Include your idea of how the two of you would enjoy spending time together.

The more detail you provide, the better. Of course, there is no genie (sorry!), and you will probably never meet anyone who fits everything on your list. But by doing this exercise, you will have a better chance of recognizing whether or not someone is a good fit.

Exercise: Imagining Your Perfect Relationship

The “right” partner can help you nurture greater security in yourself and your relationship, and also help you develop better relationship skills. But even if you could “order up” that person, doing so would not be enough to ensure a happy future together. You must also be part of creating it. So think about what assets you have that nurture a healthy relationship, and ways that you might change and grow—with the support of a good partner—to be better at nurturing one. As you do, remember that developing such a relationship will take time—both because developing intimacy takes time and because you will not be instantly cured of your insecurities. To help you think this through, consider these questions:

• How will it affect you to have a caring, attentive, faithful partner?
  
• How do you think this relationship will feel different for you, compared to what you felt in previous ones?
  
• What will be the
  first signs
  , both in your interactions and in how you feel, that it is better than previous relationships?
  
• What other small and big signs will you see along the way?
  
• As your attachment-related anxiety lessens, what will you do more of in this relationship? How will this be different from what you did in your previous ones?
  
• As your attachment-related anxiety lessens, what will you do less of in this relationship? How will this be different from what you did in your previous ones?
  
• In what ways will this partner and relationship help you to manage your attachment-related anxiety better?
  
• How do you imagine this new behavior on your part will feel different for this partner (as compared to what your previous partners likely felt in response to your old behaviors)?
  
• What will ultimately be different in this healthier relationship that is less burdened by your attachment-related anxiety?
  
• How will this relationship help you to maintain your newly found security?
  

Now,
slowly
read over all that you’ve written. Then reread it. Imagine it. Give it a chance to seep in. Allow yourself to have a sense of really experiencing it. Getting to know what this looks and feels like will help you know and feel in your heart what it is that you are really seeking.

Even with guidelines for what to look for in a partner, you might wonder,
How will I know when I’ve found someone who is just right for me?
It’s tempting to say that you’ll know her when you meet her. But that implies that you’ll experience something unmistakably distinctive, like hearing angels sing. This is
not
something you can rely on because people are often deceived by their biases.

Your struggles with questioning your importance to others or your worthiness of love can affect your relationships and choice of partner in a number of ways. For instance, it can put you at risk of not recognizing when close is too close. Your desire to have a partner or potential partner right there with you much of the time (as reassurance of his love) might make him feel uncomfortable, stifled, or controlled—especially if he is not feeling that same urge for closeness. Even if his need for closeness does match yours, consider whether you are feeling supported and encouraged in developing your separate interests—or whether you are giving up those aspects of yourself in exchange for the connection. You might also find that your insecurities prevent you from walking away when your partner is rejecting or overly distant. These are the kinds of situations that cause people to feel that they’ve “given up their power” or “lost” themselves in their relationships.

If you are someone who is more focused on your independence and the things you do than on emotional connections, your loneliness might be confusing—though it might also help motivate you to find a partner. You might choose someone who is similarly self-sufficient, but this will likely leave you feeling all the more alone; your respect for her self-sufficiency is not enough. On the other hand, choosing someone who is more interested in a deep emotional connection might leave you feeling uncomfortably close, and possibly critical of her neediness.

Fortunately, there is a way through this confusing mess, and it’s with compassionate self-awareness as your guide. By being compassionately in touch with your thoughts and emotions, and being able to reflect on the reasons for your inner experiences and behaviors—mentalizing—you are in a better position to separate potentially good partners from those who will cause you recurring distress. So think back to the insights about yourself that you’ve gained so far in this book. If you need to, review the exercises from chapters 5 and 6 to hone your compassionate self-awareness. With that perspective, look again at the exercises you’ve completed in this chapter about finding your “ideal” partner. This approach will help you a lot as you consider whether a particular person is right for you.

At some point, you might feel passionately about a new person and be almost uncontrollably driven to want to get close fast. But if this has been a pattern, slow down! Take note that diving in so quickly has not produced the long-term, healthy, happy relationship you want. It’s not that whirlwind romances never work out, but you increase your chances of success by giving yourself time—time to get to know the other person, and for the other person to get to know you.

No matter how well you click or how much you feel like you’ve “known each other forever,” true intimacy can never happen all at once. Remind yourself regularly that there is so much you
don’t
know about each other. To strengthen your patience, turn to other sources of support in your life—such as family, friends, and fulfilling and validating activities. Also, return to the self-kindness exercises in chapter 7 to help you. With a sense of acceptance and value in other areas of your life, you can lessen the pressing need to create an instant, perfect (so-you-won’t-be-rejected) love.

The process of trying to find a good partner is a lot like panning for gold. It can be exciting when you find something that sparkles. But you need to be cautious. If you mistake fool’s gold for the real thing, you will eventually find yourself alone and distraught. And in the meantime, you will have lost opportunities to find the real thing, and might become jaded about the possibility of ever having this kind of “wealth.” So learn to recognize and toss out any fool’s gold. Then you’ll be more assured that when you find love, it’s the real thing!

Be on the Alert for a Pursuit-Withdrawal Relationship

As I discussed in chapter 3, getting caught in a pattern of pursuit-withdrawal with an avoidant person is a common problem. And relationships defined by this dynamic are unlikely to leave you feeling happy, truly supported, or fulfilled. So pay close attention when you meet someone who:

• Displays an interest in you
  

BUT

• Does not seem to care about or attend to your feelings;
  
• Does not respect or want to hear about your thoughts or interests; or
  
• Dismisses your desire for closeness as being too needy.
  

Your gut might churn from the conflicting messages. This person offers hope of your
finally
being loved, but also supports your belief that you lack value or are unworthy of love. In response, you might feel compelled to try harder to earn the love and acceptance that you seek. But your efforts probably won’t work. The extra excitement that you feel is most likely not so much the happiness of having met your true love as it is anxiety about being rejected. And the other person’s need for distance will continue to leave you feeling rejected.

However, if you think there really is hope, talk directly with your partner about what you are thinking, feeling, and looking for. He might be willing to work with you on improving the relationship. You might also find that the problem lies more in your insecurities than in your partner’s behavior—in which case you need to focus on working through your issues. Go back to the exercises on developing compassionate self-awareness to help you with this. You can even enlist your partner’s support. In the end, though, transforming a relationship always takes two. If your partner won’t work with you (no matter who is responsible for which problems), I suggest that you try couples therapy. If that doesn’t work, you should seriously consider ending the relationship.

Exercise: Resisting the Pull of a Pursuit-Withdrawal Relationship

Even with good self-awareness, it can be very hard to leave and stay away from a destructive pursuit-withdrawal dynamic. People often feel a strong pull to prove their worth by continuing to try to make the relationship work. Or if they do walk away, they often feel the need to patch things up soon afterward, even if they don’t genuinely believe their partners have changed. When successfully reunited, they feel a relief-laced enthrallment of being loved by their partners again. But their struggles with feeling abandoned, rejected, or alone usually resume before too long.

So, if you decide that ending a pursuit-withdrawal relationship (whether it’s new or established) is the best course of action, you can help yourself a lot by developing a plan and making efforts that are informed by self-compassion.

Look critically at the relationship.
When your resolve to end the relationship or stay away from it weakens, remind yourself of your partner’s pattern of distancing. It will help you see that your partner is not really available for a close relationship. This is not a matter of your value, but rather of his issues. Think about it: Isn’t this what you would believe and tell a good friend in the same situation?

Remind yourself of how the relationship makes you feel.
Although being apart is painful after a breakup, it can help to remember that being together was painful, too. What hurts isn’t so much suffering the loss of love, but suffering the loss of the
fantasy
of having your partner emotionally there, supportive, and accepting of you. Remind yourself that your pain is understandable, but returning to your former partner will not alleviate it. In the long run, the only way to do this is to stay away.

Also, in the “Moving On” section of chapter 10 you will find two exercises that deal with this issue: “Is It Worth It?” and “Letting Go.” These will help you gain clarity on your decision to end your relationship and provide guidance on how to follow through with that decision.