Insight (22 page)

“Oh,
now
you’re interested in stopping things from happening.” His voice is thick with sarcasm and annoyance.

I reach out and slap his face with everything I have. “When they involve you and I together?
Yes
!” My hands both burns and aches with the force of my swing. I spin around and run up the hill to my house. All I can think is
get
away, get away, get away
…

TWENTY-ONE

Landon’s back at school, and he’s hiding whatever’s going on well. I’m already good at blending. I put all my skills into full effect. I’m quiet. I use my disappearing face. I look at everyone, but not at anyone. It sucks now that there’s people I talk to, and now that Landon is so close, but further away than he’s ever been.

Just that short amount of time when I had people makes my silent days that much more silent.

I know Landon
’s at baseball practice after school so there’s a short amount of time where I can be near the water.

I head there first. After my long walk home.

The sand is warm under my stomach. There must be some kind of sailboat race or regatta or whatever they call it going on. I rest my cheek on my arms stretched out in front of me. I love looking at the brightly colored sails as the boats navigate amongst themselves. The idea of moving over the surface of the water powered only by the wind feels incredible, ancient, powerful.

The small waves lap up on the beach and I’m blissfully alone. I take a deep breath of salty air. My black shirt soaks up the sun’s rays, which warms my body in a way I haven’t felt since last summer. Maybe I won’t feel broken forever. Just for now.

My phone rings. I’m reluctant to be pulled from my state of distraction, but check the ID anyway.

It’s Dad. The man I’ve wanted to talk to, but have been afraid to call. It’s just a lot to dump on a guy trying to save his fiancé
e
.

“Hey, Dad.”

“Micah?”

“It’s
my
phone.” I try
to
laugh like everything’s okay. It doesn’t come out right. I don’t think. My bare legs are stretched out over the sand. I dig my toes around in the warmth.

“I, uh, wanted to call you.” His voice sounds strange.

“What is it?” I’m immediately on edge, and prop myself on my elbows.
             

“Two things. One, your mother called worried about you.”

“The story’s too long to explain, Dad. But I messed up pretty bad.”

“The boy?” he asks, even though I’m sure Mom gave him the rundown
—or what she knows of it, which is almost nothing
.

“My fault. At least the start of it was. And then I ran into him, and…” I don’t want to relive that night.

“Well, he’s an ass if he doesn’t see what he’s missing.” It’s so
Dad
.

“Thanks.”
I rest my chin on my hand,
glad for the distraction.

“So, the good news, Micah. We saved her. Carol. I mean, she mentioned something about not feeling well last night, and I went down this list of heart attack symptoms and ran her to the hospital. She thought I was overreacting and crazy.”

“Carol.” My body’s suddenly weak.

“Yes, Carol.”

“Wow.” I let my head collapse onto the sand and rest there.

“She’s going to be okay, Micah.”

Together, Dad and I made something better. We
changed
it. “I’m so glad.” Only, I’m more than glad. I feel kind of powerful. I helped
change
something.

“I knew. That’s the point. Because we did all that research, I knew what to do. I don’t know how different the outcome would have been, but—” The line is quiet for a moment. “Thank you.”

“Yeah.” It’s all I can manage to get out. And maybe we didn’t change anything. Maybe she would have been fine. Maybe fate knew what would happen to her, and that’s what we saw. I just don’t know.

“We’ll be in the hospital today. They’re running
a few more tests, but she really is fine
.”

“So, what do you see now?” I ask.

“Our wedding.” The emotion makes his voice shake. “It’s a very good-looking young man you bring w
ith you. Light brown hair, hazel eyes.
I’m assuming he’s the one you saw your face from?”

I have no idea how I feel about Landon coming with me. Does that mean we work things out? Because right now we’re not even making eye contact.

“Are you sure about that?” I roll onto my back, pulling my knees up.

“I’ve touched her over and over, even recently. Do you
want
you two to be okay?” There’s nothing but fatherly concern in his voice now. It feels good. “Because I think you could be.”

“I don’t know.” It all feels impossible. At this point, we’ve both said horrible things. How do
couples
recover from something like that?
Especially when it happens just as they’re starting out?

“Well, visions aren’t perfect. All I know is what I saw.” Dad’s voice is so relaxed about the whole thing.

How
can he be so relaxed? We’re talking about Landon! Landon with the broken heart, and a smile that breaks mine. Landon who’s deeper and more profound than I ever expected. Landon who I miss more than I ever thought I could miss anyone. Oh. I miss Landon. Really, really, miss him. Maybe we will work together, and maybe the idea that I want to is enough.

“What do I do?” I ask. What do I do to get that back? Him?

“What?” he asks.

“Sorry, Dad. I don’t know where that came from. I can’t wait to see you.”

“I love you, Micah.” He breathes into the phone. “I just wanted to tell you.”

“Thanks.” I never thought Dad and I would be like this. “I love you, too.”

I hang up the phone and sit up. Is there even a possibility of Landon and I making up? I’m not sure. I think about our words to each other on the dock. How I slapped him, and how good it felt in that moment of anger and hurt.

Do I even
want
to put myself out there again?

Worth the risk
?

My heart aches at the thought of it. At how I’ve felt split apart since we yelled at each other. Twice. I pick up my flip-flops and head toward the house.

The deep green path is so much brighter in real light. Sunlight. I pause, the breeze is still cool though and as it hits my cheeks and neck, I break out in goose bumps. My eyes scan the trees as always.

“Are you out there?” I ask. “I don’t know if you’re a friend, an enemy, a reminder, or a figment of my imagination.” I stop and hear nothing but my breath. “Any chance you want to help me figure that out?” Nothing. Though, if I saw or heard something right now, I think the last threads of my sanity would probably snap.

“I helped my dad
. It felt good.” Talking feels good. Out loud. “His fiancé. I mean, I don’t know if we actually helped her or not, but it feels like it, and right now, that’s enough for me.” My eyes search through the trees,
but
I still see nothing.

A chill runs through me. That’s my sign it’s time to go in. I walk the rest of the way to the house rubbing my upper arms with my hands and staring at the path in front of me. Now that I’m no longer talking, and it isn’t my idea, I really don’t want to see anything. Even if it doesn’t exist. Or maybe especially if it doesn’t exist.

TWENTY-TWO

“I’m glad to see you looking a little more normal.” Mom’s smile is wide as she sets down the mail and walks into our small living room.

It’s been…well, I’m not sure how long it’s been. At least two weeks since Landon and I split.

“Dad’s fiancé
e
’s in the hospital, but she’s okay.” And maybe because I helped. Maybe.

“And that’s why you’re happy? I thought you liked her?” Mom’s brows came together in confusion.

Right. How do I explain this? “Well. It was a, uh, heart attack, and she’s okay, so it could have been a lot worse.”

“Right.” Her smile is back. “Well, I’m glad she’s okay then. And still surprised your father’s found someone.” She brushes my shoulder with her hand on her way past. “I’m off to find some pajama pants.”

Bright white, fear, black.

I suck in a breath, and panic sweeps through me again. What
is
this?

“You okay?” Mom half turns in the hallway.

“Uh.” what do I even try to say? “I forgot about an assignment.”

“You’ve really been acting funny, Micah. I’m starting to get worried.” Mom steps toward me again.

“I’m okay.” I nod, but my breath is still coming in all shallow. I pull her into a hug and see myself, and feel how I’m loved. Weird picture gone.

“Why don’t we hang out tonight? Maybe do a frozen pizza, movie night?” she suggests.

“Sounds great.” Anything for an actual excuse to ignore everything else for a few hours. And a reason for me to think about what I’m going to say to Landon before I attempt to talk. If I can do it.

All night I touch Mom over and over. Brush my leg against her as I re-shift on the couch. Use her shoulder as I stand up. Each time I see me or Ethan and feel how she feels for each of us. What does this mean? Am I broken? And what is the black and white picture? There’s no detail at all. None. I don’t even know if I can recognize it as being from Mom. But it has to be, right? Because that’s how they always are. But if it doesn’t stick around, does it count?

I don’t want to think about this. At all. I don’t want to be seeing things in the woods. I don’t want to see things I don’t understand—especially from Mom. Actually, I don’t want to see anything when I touch people. Ever.

Right now, all I want is Landon. I just have no idea how to make it happen.

***

“Would it be okay if I didn’t come home tonight?” Mom’s sitting at the table with a cup of hot chocolate in her hands. “I’ve been worried about you, but also I’d like to—”

“Fine, why?” I don’t want to hear what she wants to do with her time. I take a bite of cereal.  “And didn’t we already discuss this?” I brush against her on my way to the table. It’s all Ethan today. I wish the pictures of them kissing went away more quickly. At least there’s no mystery vision. And I’m getting almost used to the misery that comes with losing Landon. It just sort of follows me, along with the
stupid visions
I wish I could erase.

“We did already talk about it. But you’ve scared me.”

“Sorry. I’m okay, Mom. A few things just took me by surprise, that’s all.”
Landon and I fighting, seeing things in the woods, odd visions that I don’t understand…

“Are you and Landon…?”

“Not ready to talk about that yet.” At least I’m eating now. I take another bite of Cheerios.

“It’s not good to keep things inside, Micah. It’ll mess with your head.” She chuckles like she’s teasing. But I already know how keeping things inside will mess with your head. You’ll get in fights you don’t want to have. Feel anxious around the people you love most, and see things in the woods that may or may not be there. It’s awesome.

“I’m just going to stay up late, watch movies, and crash.” It would have been my plan no matter what Mom wanted to do.

“No wild parties?” She smirks.

“No.” I shake my head.

“I worry about how much of a loner you are.”

“Trust me. It’s better this way.” I have this great knack for really screwing things up.

She shakes her head and lets out a breath. “The side of you that’s like your father, I don’t understand.” She’s smiling, though. We’re okay.

“I’m glad about you and Ethan.” Now that I’m falling apart, Mom really needs someone stable.

“Me, too.” She leans against the sink, facing me. “I didn’t. I mean, I wasn’t looking for anything, you know?”

“I know.” I wasn’t either. But it found me anyway, and then chewed me up like I expected it would.

***

I ditch my movie night for a book,
The City of Ember
. It’s so full of hope. I’ve read it before, and I’ll probably read it again. But I know how it ends, so I’m bored. The house is filled with a silence I’m not used to, but I can’t think of anything that would tempt me to leave. Not fresh air, not the ocean. Anyway, alone in my house is not a good time to go tempting shadows in the woods.

I roll over in bed and turn on my small TV.
Ferris Bueller
, of course. It’s always on. I know how this ends too, but it’s just getting started. I set the timer for my TV to turn off in an hour and lie back down. Better. The house is no longer quiet.

There’s tapping on my window.

I drop to the floor, my heart pounding. Who is it? What is it? Why did I say it was okay for Mom to be gone?

“Micah? It’s Landon.” He’s half-whispering, half-talking.