Insight (6 page)

“Okay.” She stands with one foot in our apartment, and one on the porch.

“I’ll be fine, Mom. It won’t happen again.”
Please go inside and give me a few more minutes.

“I’m not worried about it happening again, Micah. I’m worried about why it happened this time.”

I’m scrambling for a safe answer. “Probably I’m just over-tired today.”

She doesn’t believe me. I know Mom well enough to know she doesn’t, but I also know her well enough to know she won’t press me any further. This is one of the benefits of being an only child. We’re close. And she trusts me. If it was important, I’d say something, right?

SEVEN

The whispers following Lacey’s death have calmed down. Her funeral was a week ago, and it began another new round of conversation, but it didn’t last long, and I ignored as much as I could.

I watch Landon go through the motions. I know I shouldn’t be watching him, but there’s something so much deeper about h
im than I think most people see—I felt it when I saw the ocean from him.
Or maybe part of me is wishing for my vision from him to be true. The one where he liked me. And that would be a stupid, stupid thing to wish for.

But still I watch him. Still the vision of me, from
him, puts me on edge. And
he
still
looks black.

***

When I step inside from school, it takes me a moment to process the scene in front of me. There are boxes littering the floor.

“What’s going on?” I stop as soon as I step inside. Mom’s packing up our apartment. How is she home at this time of day?

“We’re moving.” She doesn’t pause in her movements, taping up another box. “Ethan dropped off boxes a few minutes ago. You just missed him.”

“
Where
?” I don’t want to move. I love the ocean. I love the smell. I love our balcony. We haven’t talked about this
at
all
.

“Not far, just up the street. I got a second job that will give us a nice little house, with two rooms. No one will have to tromp through a bedroom to use the potty in the middle of the night.” She smiles, marks the box quickly, and begins to assemble the next.

“I don’t mind, Mom. I like it here.” My eyebrows pull together in confusion. Actually, maybe I’ll have to switch schools. Maybe it’ll be okay.

“Honey, it’s a great job.”

“You have a job.” I state the obvious.

“And I’ll keep that job. It’s just that the people offering the job are
in and out of town
and need someone on the property. I’m in charge of hiring the groundskeepers and stuff like that. Easy. We’ll still be on the ocean, and the house even has access to a small beach.” Her eyes are focused on the box and the few contents of our kitchen she’s sliding into it.

I’m only mildly appeased. I like our old balcony and the narrow stairs. “How did this come about? And why do you need two jobs?” Why do I have to face this much all at once?

Mom finally stops to look at me. “It’ll give us a free place to live, honey. A nicer little house than we’ve ever had. Ethan’s sister is married to Senator Michaels and they need someone else on the property. It was finalized last night when Ethan and I went out.”

I lean against the wall and let myself sag to the floor. Spots fill my vision. 

Of all the people in the school, he’s the one I’m
most
trying to avoid. “Mom. Please don’t do this. Their son goes to my school.” Us moving there won’t work for a few huge reasons:

One
. We’ll be on the same property as someone I go to school with and am trying to stay away from.

Two
. I don’t know how to let him like me, or how to like him without being terrified.

Three
. I watched his friend die and did nothing.

Which, actually bring me to number
four
. If he ever does like me, the whole Lacey thing would pretty much make him hate me forever.

“I know!” She smiles brightly. “Isn’t that fun?”

“No.” I shake my head. Even my lips are shaking. Does she not see how I’m reacting? “It’s not fun. He’s one of the rich, spoiled kids, Mom.” Dread starts to fill me. I don’t know how else to explain things to her. It would mean telling her what I see. I will the words to come. But they won’t.

She stops and rests her arms over the box. “I’m sorry, Micah. I know we always talk when an opportunity comes up, but this felt important, and it all happened so fast.”

“And you couldn
’t have warned me last night?” A
tear slides down my cheek. I wipe
it away quickly,
before she notices.

“You’ve been pretty quiet this past week. I’m guessing it has to do with Lacey, or you being more upset about our move than you’ve admitted.” She looks down at the floor. “Sorry.”

In this moment I wish I did
n’t understand so I can throw a fit. But I do understand
,
and I can’t. She’s doing her best. It was a fluke, seeing my face from Landon was a fluke.
But I still watched a girl die.
“Our house isn’t too close to the big house, is it?” Does my voice sound as horrible as I feel? Because I feel like screaming. But even that’s probably not enough of an outlet. I’ll just have to be better at hiding.

“The property is all trees on our side. We can’t even see their house from ours. And… We have full access to the dock and the beach.” She knows this will be the best part of the deal for me.

“I guess I get to help you pack.” My words come out in a resigned mumble, but my hands and insides still shake.

“There’s not much.” She laughs a little, trying to lighten the situation.

“I know.” I can so do this. I
will
do this. I have no choice. And even though I want to throw a fit. I can’t. I’ve lived with my mom long enough to know it won’t change anything.

***

We pull into the Michaels’ driveway. The large gate opens with a card mom has in her pocket. We go up a small hill and their house comes into view. It’s more modern than I expected with only a few small windows on this side. The rest of the windows must face the ocean. The main door looks to be at least nine feet tall. I hope I never have to go through there.

Mom pulls to the right, and the concrete driveway turns into a driveway with pavers in two even rows for the car tires.

Our new driveway is long, and I can feel some of the tension from being this close to Landon’s house start to slip away.

“Isn’t it magical out
here?” Mom asks.

The house is a bright spot in the midst of old, dark green trees. I can make out small pi
eces of ocean through the branch
es. And even though I don’t particularly like the forest—I always feel like I’m being watched—it really is amazing. I climb out of the car and see the path that heads downhill. We’ll explore the beach later. For now, I want to see our home.

The house smells like what I’d imagine in a grandparents’ house. There’s a faint smell of earth, and dampness, but it’s nice, clean. There’s a laundry and coatroom to my left and a door to my right. The door is on swinging hinges and as I push it open, it reveals a bright yellow and white kitchen with a small table in the center. I let the door go. The hinges creak and the door makes a clacking sound as it swings back and forth. Happy. The worn, wood floors are probably original, and I look forward to sliding around on them in my fuzzy socks.

“Your room is on the left,” Mom calls behind me.

I peak through the door on the right into a bathroom. Mom’s room must be at the end of the hall. I step into mine. The walls are a soft blue, which immediately relax me. I breathe in, and even inside, I smell pine. There’s a large row of bushes on this side of the house, but there’s also a tall cherry tree. The daylight casts shadows of its branches that splay across the blue walls. It’s even worth living next to Landon for. We’ll probably never see one another anyway.

“Pretty great, huh?” Mom stands in my doorway.

I nod, still unsure how I feel about the whole situation.

“Walk with me to the beach.” She gestures with her head away from my door.

I follow but keep a lookout for the people whose property we now live on. It’s a good thing I don’t mind being inside. I may need to hide out and watch for a while to make sure I don’t run into anyone.

She walks down the soft dirt path in front of me. I move slowly so I can look up. The branches of the large trees spread out far above me—a canopy of pine. The forest is dark and full of nothing but shadows and deep green. A flutter of movement makes me jump, but I know as well as anyone that the forest around her
e
has to be full of small animals.

I pause, trying to find the culprit, but see nothing.

“Micah?” Mom stops, and I realize she’s quite a ways ahead.

“Sorry.” I shrug. “Thought I saw something.”

And even as I follow her down the trail, my eyes scan the trees, looking for whatever made me jump a moment ago. It could be
anything
, but still I look.

The forest thins as we near the vast lawn that stretches from the house to the water. I look back up toward the Michaels’ house. It’s massive and practically nothing but a mask of windows I can’t see into.

“Impressive, isn’t it?” Mom looks over her shoulder at the home sprawled out behind us.

“Yeah.” I
exhale
.

At the dock the trail takes a sharp turn left. From here I can see a teeny, tiny strip of sand. No one’s here. Hopefully it’s empty like this a lot. I don’t even realize how much tension I carried with me down here until I let it go. No wonder I stared into the trees for so long—I’m seriously on edge.

“Okay, Mom? That is not a beach.” I point down. This is better. Joking with Mom is better than worrying about running into Landon.

“Oh come on.” She laughs as she walks down the steps they have drilled into the rock. “There’s sand.”

I follow her. “A teeny strip of it that disappears fifty feet that direction.” Into the rock and trees that touch the water’s edge.

“I never said it was a big beach.” She chuckles in front of me.

“So, Ethan set this up. Your boss and now…your boyfriend?” I start to lean to bump her with my hip, but then I remember that I don’t like to touch Mom as much as I used to.

“I… I don’t know.” But her blush gives it away. “It’s so scary putting yourself out there like that. I have no idea what I’m doing. He just got divorced. I just—”

“You
really
like him.” The twinges of jealousy are back.

Her eyes meet mine, almost like looking in the mirror. “I do. I just have to keep telling myself it’s worth the risk.”

Right. In my mind, there’s no such thing as
worth the risk
. “Good.” I’m still not sure if I like the idea or not, but again, there’s not a whole lot I can do about it.

“Are you still mad about the move?” She looks at me with apologetic squinty eyes.

I stop and look out at the water. Even on this grey day, I love it. “I wasn’t
mad
—”

“You were mad. It’s okay that you were mad. I just want to know if you still are?”

“It’s nice.” I begin to walk back to the stairway. “I understand. And if I can avoid the family, it’ll be perfect.”

Mom sighs. “How are you so anti-social?”

“Must take after my dad.” I smile a little to myself as I keep walking and hear Mom jog to catch up.

“You must.” She laughs and pats me on the back.
Flash of white, then black.
Nothing else
.

What is
that
?

I let her bump into me again to find out if I can see more.
Something I’ve never done on purpose.

Kind eyes, warm smile.
Ethan
.

And for the first time seeing his face gives me some relief. No bizarre white and black. My body and brain are exhausted. I wonder if there’s
any
way to get a break from this.

EIGHT

Someone knocks on the front door. It almost feels weird. Like it’s not our house because anyone from the main house could come by anytime. Mom’s gone, so I wait to hear another knock before getting up.

I slowly open our front door to see Steven’s
curly
hair, downcast eyes
,
and rumpled cargo khakis. “Steven?” What’s he doing here? How am I supposed to avoid him if he knows where I live? I look him almost straight in the eyes. He’s not all that much taller than I am. Or broader, for that matter.

“I would have called, but I didn’t have your number, and I know this is kind of weird, just showing up like this. I just wanted to stop in and say hi.” It comes out in a rush. His hands are shoved into his pockets.