Insipid (20 page)

“Jesus Christ! What am I doing? Oh my God! Jade!”

Let me go, Josh, it’s okay. I’m craving sleep. I’m just so exhausted.

I WOKE UP
feeling like I had just been run over by a truck. I floated in and out of consciousness, but my eyes felt so heavy that it took a great effort for me to lift up my eyelids. I kept them closed despite hearing voices all around me. My nose was uncomfortably itchy and when I weakly reached my hand over to touch it, I found that it had been casted. My other hand was held by someone else sitting close by my bed. I couldn’t remember where I was or how I got there. There was a burning pain between my legs that seemed to dissipate as long as I held them close together. As time went by, the voices around me, although somewhat muffled, became clearer.

“Mr. Albin, the police report is complete except for a statement from your daughter as soon as she regains consciousness.”

“I don’t want anyone speaking to her until she is well enough to do so,” my father said sternly. “Her physical injuries will speak for themselves. I want that bastard put away forever!” His voice was filled with so much pain. I knew that he was crying. “It kills me to think about what could have happened if Mr. Wilmot hadn’t rushed over to check on her.”

“What did the medical report say?” the voice continued.

“Multiple lacerations on the face and neck. Tissue injury of the neck, broken shoulder blade, broken nose. Rape.”

My mother let out a shrill cry and I heard my father’s heavy footsteps move to the side of the room where I assumed she sat. As they spoke around me, the hand that held mine squeezed tighter.

Slowly, I mustered all my strength to open my eyes. He was looking right at me, the man who has holding my hand.

“Jade? Frank, I think she’s awake!”

I glanced around to see my mother and father rush to my bedside.

“Jade! Thank God! My baby girl!” my mother cried. “Don’t move, don’t.”

I pointed weakly to the remote control and motioned for them to adjust it so my head was slightly elevated.

“I’m okay,” I whispered softly. My throat was on fire. I spoke in a breathy whisper. No voice. “Where is he?” Flashes of what had transpired ran through my mind, the pain in my chest becoming more pronounced as I tried to process everything.

“Don’t talk, honey. It’s okay. It will all be okay. We’re here,” my father assured me.

Everything went black before I could do anything else. By the time I reopened by eyes, Chris was the only one sitting next to me. I heard the soft, heavy breathing that told me he was asleep. I crept my hand over to where he rested his head and stroked his hair. He lifted his forehead but kept his chin resting on the mattress.

“You still have a lot of hair,” I whispered. He chuckled lightly and closed his eyes as if savoring the memory. I always loved touching his hair.

“Hi.” He smiled. “I’m so glad you’re back.”

“Now that my parents are gone, will you tell me what happened?”

“Okay. Where do you want me to start?”

“How—” I covered my throat. It hurt so much to talk. “How did you get to me?”

“I called to let you know that I had just arrived in Chicago. I had a meeting with another construction company the next day and wanted to check to see how you were doing. I feel horrible, Jade. I know it was my phone call that set him off.”

“No, it wasn’t, really. I was trying to explain how I had been feeling that night. He was already angry by the time he picked up your call.”

“I rushed over right after he hung up the phone. By the time I reached your house, the ambulance was on the way. He was kneeling right next to you, freaking out about what he had just done. He didn’t contest anything. He told the police exactly what happened.”

“Where is he now?”

“Undergoing psychiatric evaluation at St. Alexis. Your father seems to think that he’s going to be committed. The stress of what happened to your daughter plus the alienation of your marriage could have caused him to have a nervous breakdown.”

“I’m not pressing charges. A large part of it was my fault.”

“No, Jade. He’s the only one who’s responsible for what he did. He nearly killed you.”

“I wanted to die. To be with Felicia.”

“No. You’ll get through this. I’m here now. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll see you through every step of your recovery. She left you here for a reason. It’s time to start living for yourself. I promise you, you’ll be happy again someday.”

I didn’t register what he said, still vacant and unaffected. “I’m so tired, Chris. I just want to sleep.”

“Rest, my love. I’ll be right here when you wake up.”

I closed my eyes, still holding onto his hand. Where did my heart go? I had lost two people in my life and all I wanted to do was close my eyes and vanish.

“Pajama, pajama, pajama,” I can hear my mother chant. “That’s what you would say, Jade, when you were five. You thought closing your eyes made you invisible. You would repeat those words over and over again whenever you were upset about something.”

“Pajama, pajama, pajama.”

CHRIS REMAINED WITH
me for another week as I recovered in the hospital. It took an argument between us for him to finally agree to head back to San Francisco to tend to his business. My body was taking longer to recover from the damage of the assault than anticipated. I sustained multiple bodily injuries including abrasions and bruises on my neck. I was told that it may take years for them to disappear due to the broken blood vessels caused by the pressure that was exerted when he choked me. The mark of his fingers almost resembled a ligature mark, something I was told was common to the trauma of strangulation. My neck was swollen due to internal hemorrhaging. My vocal cords were almost ruptured. My left shoulder and my nose were in casts. I underwent physical and psychiatric counseling and attended a rape support group while I was at the hospital.

I held no hatred for Joshua. Only pity. He loved me so much, and he did what he could to make me love him back for almost twenty years.

As the weeks went by, I felt strong enough to begin the process of healing. Until a few days ago, I hadn’t been able to return to our home. My father had purchased a two bedroom condo on Lakeshore Drive to ensure that I had a place to stay after being released from the hospital. I wasn’t well enough to fly to San Francisco, although my mother tried to move mountains to get me to yield to her desperate pleas. I was in contact with Joshua’s mother, as I held no ill will against him (or her, for that matter). I just wanted to put this behind me and move on with my life.

I went in through the garage like I always did and slowly made my way around the house, an overwhelming feeling of being loved surrounding me. This was the home where we raised the most amazing little girl. I will always want this house to remain as a testament to the love we had as a family. I will never forget what Josh had done for us. He was her father, he was my husband, and he was my friend.

One hour later, I found myself sitting in the middle of her room surrounded by everything she had accumulated in her very short life. The ringing of my phone quickly postponed the tears that had just begun to form in my eyes. I broke out in a smile as soon as I heard his voice.

“Hey. Are you at your house? Is everything okay?”

“Yes. Concha is here with me. My mother sent her to Chicago to care for me for a few weeks. We’re going through Felicia’s stuff. I think she was a closet hoarder.” I held the phone away from me for a quick second, intent on hiding the sound of my sniffles.

“Oh God. Really?” He snickered. “Why does that sound so familiar?”

I blush as the memory assails me. “I thought I’d do a little at a time. I’m going to leave most of her things as is, but wanted to just pack up a few of her pictures to take with me to the condo. Paul had also asked for a couple of her things.”

“Sounds like a good idea. Aside from that, how are you doing? Are you okay?”

“As okay as I can be, I guess. I miss her so much.” I paused to lighten up my tone. “I’ve started running on the treadmill. Really slow for now and only one mile, but it felt great!”

“Baby steps, Jade, okay? Promise me you won’t go overboard.”

“I promise,” I said as I weaved through the piles of Cia’s clothing on the floor.

“Good girl. I’m going to try to take a few days off to see you next week. Will that be okay?”

“You don’t have to, Chris. I know how busy you are. I’m really doing fine. Concha is fattening me up with her adobos and empanadas,” I argue.

“I want to. I’ll call you once my schedule is more certain.”

“Okay. Thank you for checking on me.”

“Take care, Jae. I’ll call again tomorrow.”

“You’re the only truth, that I ever knew,

Like the stars we burn forever.

So listen when I say to you,

‘I’ll be there, you’re not alone.’

When the sun turns into shadows,

When you call and no one’s there.

When the lights go out inside you,

I’ll be there, you’re not alone.”

“When the World Breaks Your Heart” by The Goo Goo Dolls

THE LOSS OF
my reverie is marked by the conductor’s gentle nudge on my shoulder. “End of the line, Miss. Boy, I wish I could sleep as deeply as that!” he chides as he watches me rub my eyes and glance at the empty seats around me.

“Sorry, I must have really been tired from working late last night,” I make the excuse as I gather up my things. The guy sitting next to me must have thought I was a basketcase - crying, laughing, constantly moving in my seat. I stand up, embarrassed and resolved to find another car to sit in tomorrow. I take a taxicab to the marina for my planned morning run, pulling out my phone from my purse as the driver careens through the dizzying lines of traffic and pedestrians on Wacker Drive. I see a few missed calls from Lucas and finally a text message:

Lucas:
It has been a while without hearing from you. What is going on? Please answer your phone.