Insipid (17 page)

One more mile
, I thought as I walked briskly towards the corner of Bush and Taylor, resolved to do the uphill climb that awaited me just around the bend. My heart fluttered with excitement as I saw Chris step out into the street. Just as I was about to run towards him, I noticed a woman directly behind him. I watched numbly as she wrenched his shoulders and caused him to turn around to face her. She looked just like him—sun-kissed blonde hair, short and bobbed, her faded jean shorts matching the color of his eyes. She lovingly reached out to him as he gave her a quick peck on the lips and walked away. I turned around and ran as fast as I could in the opposite direction, thinking about the various scenarios to justify what I just saw. Surely, this was all explainable. At least, that’s what I told myself as I made my way back to the apartment.

I sat in silence on the bed and waited for him to arrive. I was too stunned to cook, too shocked to cry. Up until this point in my life, I had never been abandoned; everyone I loved had loved me back. I just didn’t know how to react. Chris didn’t return until two hours later. By this time, the sun had decided to take a rest for the evening. The room was dark; I sat motionless for more than an hour, staring outside the window at the pigeons and seagulls that paraded the dirty landing in front of me.

He opened the door and smiled warmly when he saw me. Was that relief that I saw in his face?

“Did the lights blow out or something? Why are you in the dark?” he asked cordially as he walked towards the bed to greet me. His mouth gaped open in shock as soon as he saw my tear-streaked face. “Jae, baby, what—”

“I saw you,” I whispered, pronouncing every word succinctly. “Chris. I saw you.”

“You saw me? Where?”

“A few hours ago. Leaving Connie’s Pizza.”

He didn’t say a word, but took a seat next to me on the bed.

“Who is she?” I asked, and my voice trembled, my ears shutting down at knowing what I was about to find out. I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear the answer.

“No one. A friend.”

“What kind of a friend touches you the way that she did?”

He sighed and took my hands in his. I will never forget the look in his eyes. They were absent, he wasn’t there. “Listen, Jade, it wasn’t going to work between us anyway. We can never have a future together.” His voice was calm and subdued, like he had been thinking this through for a while.

“Don’t. Don’t you dare put this on that again!” I yelled. I pushed his hands away and quickly stood up to leave. “I have never, ever, made you feel like you weren’t good enough for me. Nothing ever mattered to me, Chris, only you! Why would you decide this for us?” I jumped up and rushed towards the table to retrieve my purse. My insides were broken; I couldn’t see anything through my tears. I had no hesitation about holding back my emotions. I loved him so much, he needed to know that.

He watched me for a few seconds until I saw the sudden look of realization on his face. Somehow, he looked frightened. He knew that I was leaving him for good, that this wasn’t a game.

“No! No!” He screamed as he took two steps toward me, wrapping himself around me tightly, barely giving me any room to breathe and effectively stopping me from moving any further. “No, Jade, please. Please don’t leave. I’m so sorry! I was trying to replace you, to keep myself from falling apart, knowing that I would have to give you up!”

With all the strength left in me, I shoved him away with my arms. “Why in the world would you have to give me up?” I sobbed.

“Because I’m not good enough for you. All my life, I thought I would be able to play basketball. I never had a backup plan; no real prospects. Look at me! I’m not even good enough for them. And you. You deserve more than me.”

“So you sleep with someone else to prove that to me?” I choked the words out. I wanted him to say the right thing, to deny that anything ever happened. I would have forgiven him
. My life meant nothing without him.

“Yes.”

“The two pillows…” It all made sense then. The lack of time. The vacant eyes. Guilt. That’s what I had been too blind to see for the past few weeks. “The pillows,” I said again, my heart constricting each time I heard my own words.

“Jade. Please. Please forgive me. I won’t ever see her again. I’ll move away. I’ll live with you while you’re in school. I’ll get over this, accept things as they are. Please.”

“This is what you wanted, Chris. Congratulations. You sabotaged this yourself and now you’ve successfully pushed me away.” As I said the words, I knew that no other goodbye would ever be as painful as this.
An unplanned loss is somewhat easier than a conscious decision to walk away.

“Jade, please, I’m begging you.” He dropped to his knees in a praying position, tears dripping down from his face onto the blemished wooden floor.
You never notice the ground until you’re forced to look down upon it.

“I’m leaving my heart with you, Chris. From this day on, I will no longer have any use for it. I will never love anyone as much as I loved you.”

IT WAS ONE
of those days I decided to take off from work to get caught up on life at home. It wasn’t unusual for me to take a break immediately after a trip away from the family. As I sat by the kitchen counter checking my work emails, her sweet voice roused me from my thoughts.

“Hey, Mommy-o!” She bounded down the back staircase that led to the kitchen wearing a white polo shirt tucked into a plaid red and blue kilt that somehow seemed way too short for a school uniform. Her endlessly long legs were straight and perfect, her thick, lustrous hair neatly swept up in a ponytail.

“Good morning, my darling daughter. Aren’t you running late for class?” I slid off the counter stool and got busy making her breakfast.

She walked over to me to wrap her arms around my shoulders.

“Scrambled eggs and toast?” I asked as I kissed her on the forehead.

“Yes, please.” She turned around to make herself a cup of coffee. “It’s Open House Week. Seniors get to come in late today and we’re a half day, remember?”

“Oh, yes, I forgot. Is today the day we’re meeting for lunch?” I poured some half and half in her cup.

She took a seat on the barstool next to me. “Yup! I’ll meet you at 1:00 at Ciao Bella. The one right by Pyott Road.”

“Sounds good,” I respond. “How was your week?”

“It was great. We didn’t have any homework. Daddy gave me a ride to Paul’s house for a study group last Wednesday night.” She winked at me in jest. “I think Dad should attend my school functions going forward.”

“What? Why?”

“Because every time you show up at school, someone calls you a MILF. Josh Roberts and Steve Graus are the latest ones. They saw you last week when you went to the office to drop off my tuition payment.”

I rolled my eyes at her. “Not funny, Ci.”

“I’m serious, Mom! Paul was there and he asked me if I wanted him to beat those guys up. I just laughed about it. Fact of life. Hot mother.”

Time to change the subject. “How are things with the two of you?”

Her face lights up immediately, the warmth of her tone reminding me of the innocence of first love. “Great! He’s so busy with his practices and games but we’re doing okay.”

“Cia, he knows you’re going to Barnard in the fall, right?” I asked cautiously.

“Yes, Mom, he does,” she answered defensively, rolling her eyes at the same time.

“And?”

“He’s hoping to play for Cornell so he says we’ll worry about it when we get there. He’s in on conditional status—he’s missing a grade from History class.” She sounded confident, like this was a sure thing.

“Ah.” I bobbed my head up and down in understanding. She trusts him completely. She believes in everything he says. I’ve been there before; I know.

I watched her closely that morning. I don’t know why, but I noticed everything about her that day. The way she added three more cubes of sugar when she thought I wasn’t looking. The squeezing sound of the bottle as she lathered her eggs in catsup. Her perfectly shaped eyebrows. Her unlined eyes. Not a trace of makeup. My natural beauty. So confident, so secure.

“How was your trip, Mom?”

“Same old. I had to meet with three different clients while I was there, that’s why I stayed all week.”

Her facial expression changed suddenly and I could tell that her thoughts were focused on something else. “He played for Berkeley, right?”

“Who?”

“My real dad. Didn’t you say he played basketball for your school?” She pushed her chair closer to me.

“He did.”

“Yeah. I told Paul about him. He thinks it’s so cool that he has the same interest as my father.”

She’d always been inquisitive and insightful, so it was no surprise that she was asking me these probing questions. We spoke about him often. I wanted to dispel any doubts that she may have had about him, so I figured it was as good a time as any to press on. “Baby girl?”

“Mmmm?” she let out as she chewed on a piece of toast.

“Why the sudden barrage of questions about Chris? Are you okay? I know it has something to do with you turning eighteen—are you planning to do anything?”

“No,” she answered quickly, meeting my eyes. “I’ve just been thinking about him more. Like the similarities between Paul and him. And to be honest with you, I’ve been thinking of you, Mom.”

“Me? How? Why?” I asked.

“I want you to be free. I see it more and more. The way you have that blank look on your face, the way you are with Dad. I want you to be happy too. I’m old enough now to see things as they are. I think being in love myself, I just know and appreciate those feelings more.” There it was again. That look filled with so much contentment.

“Oh, Cia. I’m all right. I made a commitment to your dad and I’m sticking to it. Look around you. We are blessed with so many things. I have you. You’re all I need.”

“I’m going away this fall, Mom,” her tone was tough and admonishing, “and these blessings—a walk in closet full of purses and shoes—they’ve been your cover for so long. Those things can’t fill your heart up.”

“Oh, I know. But I have my work. And a nice car to drive long distances to see my daughter,” I teased lightheartedly.

“He adores you, you know. I know he has a temper, but he’s under so much pressure with the Chief position at the hospital and all.”

“I know, baby. I love him too. I do. Whatever it is you think you’re seeing, cast it aside. It’s all for the best and I couldn’t ask for anything more. We have a happy life. Now let’s continue this at lunch. You’re going to be late!” I kissed her goodbye and she bolted out the front door, leaving her wallet and purse behind. I ran right after her. “Cia! Your bag!”

“Oh geez, Mom! Thank you!” she exclaimed breathlessly as she ran out of the car to meet me halfway. I remember thinking at that very instant how much she had of her father in her. His long graceful limbs. His breeziness. Always fleeting in and out.

“I love you, sweetie. Have a good day. See you at one.”

“Love you too, Mommy. Later!” she squeaked as she stuck her arm out the window to wave happily at me while backing out of the driveway.

I WAITED FOR
her to meet me but she never arrived. While at the restaurant, my phone rang off the hook but I didn’t answer when the numbers came up unrecognized.

Four coffees.

A basket of bread. Two butters.

Tip, tap. Tip, tap. My fingernails on the table, playing a tune, drumming to a rhythm so discordant, Cia would surely disown me.

Thumping my feet. Admiring my new shoes.

Checking emails. Making phone calls. Noelle. The insurance guy. Leya.

Looking up Cia’s Facebook status for any hint of where she’s at.

Exactly two hours later, Joshua came flying through the doors, his hair disheveled, his face red from crying, his voice hoarse and gruff.

“Jade!” he barked hysterically as he pushed his way through the waiting crowd to reach our table. “Please, we have to leave now. It’s Cia.”

“What about her? Where is she? I’ve been waiting for hours for that girl.”

He turned his head to look away from me. My heart stopped beating. There wasn’t enough air in the world to fill my lungs. His eyes told me all I wanted to know.