Authors: Ronald Stephen
Tags: #Self-Help, #Motivational, #Relationships, #Love & Romance, #15 Minutes (1-11 Pages), #Parenting & Relationships, #Health; Fitness & Dieting
2. Our Male Programming
3. Is The Relationship Worth Saving?
4. Own up!
5. How To Rebuild The Trust
6. Rebuilding Tips
7. What Caused It?
8. The Apology
9. Key Points To Remember
This book is for the wives, and girlfriends who for one
reason or another had an affair and betrayed their
significant other. It wasn’t written with the intent to “beat
you about the head and shoulders” so to speak over your
betrayal. You’re properly doing that to yourself already.
It wasn’t written to provide insight for the purposes of
excusing your behavior. Although, we will need to explore
what prompted the affair.
It was written to give you useful tips you can use to get
him back. You cheated on him and you're desperate to
get him back and to trust you again. It can be done. As a
matter of fact, you can rebuild your relationship and
make it better than it ever was before. To do that
effectively though, you need to understand what happens
to a man when he is cheated on by his someone he
Little Tommy scrapes his knee and Dad says “big boys
don’t cry”. Most likely, little Tommy’s dad was told the
same thing as a child. We are taught from an early age
to be emotionally reclusive. This makes it all the more
difficult for him to process the news of your affair.
Years of this type of programming will limit his ability to
communicate his feelings effectively. It is hard for most
guys to open up the same way women do, even when not
dealing with an event as upsetting as an affair. This puts
the ball in your court. You are going to have to get the
ball rolling carefully, and systematically.
Another thing to remember is men measure their
success and failures based on accomplishments. Go to
college, get a good job, settle down with a good woman
who’ll love and respect him. This is the mental (and/or
written) check list of men in western as well as European
society. By betraying him, you are killing the dream. He
feels you have destroyed everything he worked for by
You’ve heard the male ego is delicate and sensitive. In
this area it certainly is delicate and sensitive. His pride
has been thrown into the garbage disposal along with the
expired milk and cottage cheese, and for a man; this is
an earth shattering experience. A slew of emotional
haunting thoughts are swelling through his head.
That last one may seem petty and juvenile but size is a
real concern for guys and it will cause him to wonder if a
lack of “meat” was the cause of the cheating.
Now your lover might not think so if he just found out
about the affair. Remember, his head is probably
swirling from the emotional thoughts previously
mentioned. You may need to give him a week or two to
process this new information. Don’t let his initial reaction
determine the direction of the relationship. There may be
some serious name calling, and insults hurled at you.
Unless he is the “wimpy” type, he is not going to be
agreeable to anything you want initially. No man with
any self respect would be nice to a woman who cheated
on him. I not saying this is the right or wrong attitude to
have, only that this is the way most guys react. Try not
to dwell on your feelings during this stage. Remember,
we are not the best communicators. Let him express his
feelings. He will need to delve through them to find out if
he really wants to be with you in spite of what you’ve
Now, if he was in any way abusive, you might want to
consider letting the relationship go the way of the dodo
bird. In fact, I highly suggest you cut him loose if that’s
the case. I realize some women tolerate verbal,
physical, and sexual abuse from their husbands for
years. I think any man who engages in this behavior is
not a man at all. He is a pig and deserves to be alone, at
least he stops being a pig. At any rate, if you truly love
him and want to be with him, then you should follow the
rest of the advice in this book to get him back.
On a side note, there is a particular circumstancein
which a man is willing to make an effort to make things
work with his cheating wife; and that is if he himself
cheated. If this is the case he will most likely keep his
transgressions to himself, but his own cheating will make
him more forgiving of yours.
The first and most crucial step is to take full responsibility
for your infidelity. Granted, the misbehavior was probably
brought on by some feelings of dissatisfaction on your
part. Perhaps you felt unappreciated and/or neglected.
Maybe he let the romance slip away over the years. He
might have stopped initiating love making. The male
testosterone level gradually decreases after age thirty.
This can result in a decrease of sex drive and an increase
in fatigue, causing a strain in the relationship. He may
have become bitter towards you because as time went
by, he feels his opportunities and “pie in the sky” dreams
have slipped away. Some guys tend to displace their
animosity, even when they are really mad at themselves.
Nevertheless, if you sought comfort in the arms of
another man, you need to take ownership of that
mistake. If you fail to do so, all the efforts you make to
fix the relationship will seem somewhat insincere to him.
Something is broken in your relationship. The sooner you
find out what lead you to step out, the better. You need
to be honest with yourself in this area so you can be
honest with your partner.
If you ever truly cared about each other, you can get that
spark back. No one can ever totally stop loving someone
that was truly in love with.
How he found out about the affair will have an impact
how furious he’ll become. If he found out without you
telling him, by reading a text you received from your
lover, or by reading an email sent to you, it will require
more work for you to fix things between you.
Finding out on his own will make it even harder to trust
you moving forward because he will be under the
impression you never intended to tell him about the
affair. Makes sense right?
If you haven’t told him yet, you may want to do so at this
time. I’ve provided some tips in the APOLOGY section of
this book. Don’t make excuses, just accept full
responsibility. Cheating is always the cheater’s fault. You
can’t say “you never want to talk, so I slept with Bob
from work”. You cannot combine an apology with blame.
It will blow up in your face very quickly, and a man will
interpret a statement similar to that as being theend of
Just because I don’t like to jaw-jack with
her every night, she steps out screws some coworker.
What a selfish bitch. Well, she can go back to him for all I
That is our thought process ladies. It is especially
hard to deal with if the man is the sole income earner.
Being the provider is something that makes us feel
purposeful and macho. When a man finds out he has
been working to provide for an unfaithful woman, it
knocks the wind out of him.
I understand you have feelings also, including Shame,
embarrassment, guilt. Nevertheless, you have to siton
your feelings for just a little while during the healing
This is most likely the most important chapter in the
book. You’ve probably heard men are visual creatures.
We get turned on by visual images every day. Well, you
can use this to your advantage, especially if you haven’t
officially broken of things with your lover. I suggest
ending your affair in the presence of your husband. Of
course, this should be done only after you have sincerely
apologized. You must be totally transparent from here on
The best breakup method is over the phone. I encourage
you to be distant and cold-hearted to you lover. Make it
abundantly clear the affair is over. Tell him he was one
big mistake and you want nothing more to do with him.
By all means, be nasty to him. If you really want to stay
with you man, this should be a “doable’ task. The
purpose of this is to make your husband believe you want
him and only him, and whatever caused you to have sex
with another man is no longer an issue. Do everything
you can to make it clear to him you have no other
“interests”. Now if for some reason you don’t wantto
breakup over the phone, you can use email or text,but
the phone is the best method. With the over the phone
method, your husband can see your expressions and
emotional states, and this will be a good benefit to the
If you use one of the alternative methods, be sure to let
your husband see all of his responses.Translucence is a
key ingredient here. Also, if your “lover boy” is a
coworker, be sure to keep your distance from him at
work. If this doesn’t work, transfer to another
department, or if necessary consider quitting your job.
This will really convince your hubby you are serious about
repairing your relationship.
There is one area however where you might not want to
be too fourth coming, the bedroom details. I can’t stress
this enough. Remember when I mentioned guys are
visual creatures? Telling him the details will create firm
haunting images in his head, images that will certainly
affect your progress in a negative way. You definitely
don’t want to tell him about a sex act you performed for
your lover that you have never done for your husband.
This will feel like spraying gasoline in your husband’s
eyes. Very painful! So unless you want to administer a
double dose of pain, don’t’ divulge the details, even if he
asks for them.
Now your husband is going to have his “radar” focused
on you. If he told you he forgives you, he will still keep
an eye on you. Even if your husband is not particularly
observant, trust me, he is watching you. Make the effort
to be extra considerate to avoid suspicion. Leave you cell
phone where he can see it when you’re around him, and
make sure it is not on silent or stun. Answer it in front of
him if you get a call. If it’s your former lover, tell your
husband. Don’t do anything to make him think you might
be having secret conversations. You might want to skip
going out with the girls, and working late for a while or
he might conclude you are meeting lover boy.
Also, if you try to force him to forgive you and quickly get
on with your lives, he will resent you even more and may
just give up on the relationship. He needs you to know
how badly you hurt him just as you probably would if you
were in his situation.
You've done one of the worse things imaginable, and its'
going to take time and effort from both of you to repair
it. There is no getting around
Don’t get upset with him because he isn’t putting the
past behind you all as quickly as you would like. There
are times when his resentment might agitate you. You’ll
feel desperate and silly at times during the reconnecting
period. This is only temporary. Things will get better if
you stick it out. Exactly how long it will take for you and
your man to get close again will depend on how hard you
both work at rebuilding the relationship. Most couples
take three or four years or so to achieve a genuine, solid
recommitment to each other. If he is the love of your life,
it’ll be worth the effort.
This section will help you address what pushed you over
the edge. Remember, this is not to excuse your behavior,
but more so to improve your awareness of your feelings
and how you react to your feelings. In the future, you’ll
be better equipped to handle your emotional states and
not let them cause you to cheat. A common reason for
cheating is loneliness within the relationship. Perhaps he
stopped making you feel special. This is typical in
relationships, whether there is infidelity or not. Maybe
your self esteem leaves a lot to be desired.
When you apologize, be sure to mention how he must of
felt to find out about the affair. Don't say something as
simple as "I know I hurt you and I'm very sorry."
Your apology will carry more weight if you say something
like, "You've always trusted me, even when we had our
spats and disagreements. You've always been dedicated
to our family. To find out that while you were working to
take care of us, I was with someone else, must of felt like
having your heart ripped from your chest." This will show
him you have been thinking about what you did, and
you're at least trying to understand his feelings.