Insipid (27 page)

“GOOD MORNING!” I
greet my parents as I waltz into their dining room dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, ready to continue a day of unpacking more boxes. I braved an early morning jaunt across the garden to my parents’ house to join them for breakfast since Chris had to leave early for work.

“Good morning to you, darling,” my mother answers, motioning for Concha to add another place setting right next to her. “How’s the unpacking going? Are you making any progress?” she asks as my father continues to pore over the newspaper.

I walk around the table to give each of them a kiss on the cheek. “It’s going,” I say as I take a seat and reach out for a cup of coffee. “I thought I’d stop by to ask if you wanted to drive out to Nordstrom’s this afternoon? I thought I’d check out their spring sale and could use the company.”

“Sure, I would love that.” My mother eyes me suspiciously. “But what are you looking for? It’s not like you’re going to need work outfits in the next few weeks at least. I thought you were going to take a break, sweetie?”

“I am. I just want to get out of the house.”

“Is everything okay?” My father’s attention is now focused on me as he folds the newspaper up and places it on the table in front of him. He leans over, intent on hearing what I have to say.

“I’m fine, don’t worry! I’m just a little stressed about moving in and all.”

“Everything okay with you and Chris?”

“Yes, why would you ask that?” I’m flustered by her uncanny intuition.

“Oh, I don’t know. Lucas Martinez called a few times and I told him that you still had the same cell phone number and to call you on your phone. I could tell that you weren’t taking his calls.”

“It’s all good. I forgot to tell him I was moving.”

“Forgot?” My mother laughs acrimoniously.

“Mama. I forgot. Let’s leave it at that.”

“Oh well. He’s a charming young man. Very determined.”

“Young is the word.” I smile at my father, who winks back at me.

The atmosphere turns silent as we casually turn our attention to finishing breakfast. We talk about my father’s business and the investments he has instructed his banker to transact for him in the past week. He always runs these things by me and I’m always happy to help and advise him about any new stock that I hear about. This week, I don’t have any suggestions for him. I’ve been out of the work force for one week and already I’m feeling out of touch.

The doorbell rings just as we’re finishing up our meal. Danilo reluctantly enters the room with a FedEx box and lays it on the empty spot adjacent to me on the table.

“Ms. Jade, this package came for you.”

“Hmm. Who is it from?” I ask as I pull the parcel towards me to examine it.

“Not sure, ma’am. It says MT Media.”

My parents turn to look at me and watch as I tear on the tab that opens the box. “Thank you, Dani. I’ll take it from here.”

Inside it is an envelope with a letter addressed to me. Attached to the letter is a white composition notebook, like the ones we used for school, except that the cover is pure white. Emblazoned across the front of the notebook are the words, “TOP SECRET AGENT NOTES.” Tears spring to my eyes as I remember the hidden meaning behind those words. The notebook contains only two tabs. One of them is “BEFORE JADE” and the other is “AFTER JADE.” The pages behind the first tab have been removed. In its place is a blank piece of loose leaf paper with “TO BE TOLD IN PERSON” written across the lines. I stand up from the table slowly, cradling the box in my arms, and bid goodbye to my parents. I walk back across to settle myself in one of the cabanas by the pool, and with shaking hands, I tear open the letter.

Dearest Jade,

I just couldn’t leave things as they were without explaining myself. For all it’s worth, I hope it helps you understand what happened in the last few months that prevented me from seeing you as often as I wanted to. While it’s true that my hectic travel schedule was mostly to blame for our lack of time together, I was also under extreme time constraints to complete the program that I entered into the weeks before I met you in Chicago last year. I had checked myself into an outpatient rehabilitation program, Jade. After Isabel Ailey left me to go back to her husband, I found myself spiraling out of control. I finally made a decision to check into a rehab facility to allow me to recover from my drug addiction. The terms of the outpatient program required me to check in each week. Chicago was an exception—I was given a two week dispensation due to the importance of completing the merger. Since then, I have never missed a session or appointment. I graduated out of the program two weeks ago and I believe that joining the program was the best thing I’ve ever done for myself.

While in therapy, my doctor suggested that I keep a journal. I haven’t told you everything about myself yet, but therapy helped me to understand that there were certain events in my life that I needed to deal with out in the open. Writing my thoughts on paper helped me understand the feelings and emotions that I had not only about what happened to me, but that I was currently going through as well.

So now, dear Jade, here it is. My Secret Agent thoughts about my Secret Agent life. I’ve always wanted my life to be an open book with you. Here are the final missing pieces of the puzzle. In giving you my words, I am giving you my heart.

Read my words, Jade. Know that I have felt the same way about you from the first day that we met.

I’ve taken a one month leave of absence from work and am staying in San Francisco, hoping that you will be willing to see me sometime in the near future. You will know where I am. I hope that you come and find me soon.

With much love,

I’M OUTSIDE THE
doorway of an imposing high rise condominium called Lake Point Towers situated right on the shores of Lake Michigan. It is one of the first investment properties he purchased years ago when his medical career was just taking off. Today, he calls it his home. The doorman greets me with a warm smile as he nods his head in the direction of the elevator. I calmly press the button for the 30th floor and am slightly disappointed at the speed at which it takes me closer to my destination. The long hallway leading to his place is tastefully bare, modernized and redecorated since the last time I was here.

She opens the door immediately after the musical chiming of the first bell. “Jade?” The look on her face isn’t surprising.

“Hi, Cara. Is he in?” I ask delicately. The waft of homemade cooking permeates the air.

“Jade, you’re not supposed to be here. The restraining order is still in effect, is it not?” She holds on to the door, allowing me only a small glimpse of the inside. Just as I’m about to respond, I hear his voice in the background. He stands right behind her with the same look of concern.

“Jade? What are you doing here?”

“Joshua. I was wondering if we could talk for a few minutes?”

He nods his head as Cara steps back to allow me to move in closer. “Sure. Cara, it’s okay. Let her in.”

He opens the door and I follow his lead, the sound of our footsteps dominating the silence between the three of us. The panoramic view of the pier is breathtaking. It doesn’t look at all like the place we furnished when we first put it up for rent. It’s homey now, warm and inviting. The sparsely decorated place has been updated with rich hues of brown and gold and red. There are no pictures of our family, no pictures of me. But every corner is decorated with colorful pictures of Cia.
She looked nothing like him and yet they shared a special bond that only fathers and daughters do.
We stop at the living room, where he motions for me to take a seat. I sit down on a brown leather couch directly facing a wall-to-wall bar complete with a sink and built-in wine coolers embedded underneath the immense granite shelves.

“Red wine?” He moves about the bar, searching for the right bottle of wine, reaching into the drawers to find a corkscrew. I watch him as he works his way back and forth. He looks good. There are lines around his eyes that make him look dignified, but not weathered. His hair has turned gray somewhat, more salt than pepper, thinner but not much different from what I remember. He hands me a glass of wine and takes a seat on the ottoman right across from me.

“You look great, Jade. You haven’t changed at all. What is it that I can do for you?”

“I thought I’d stop by to see how you are. I know you also received a final copy of the annulment last week.” I play with my hands, looking at his face for a reaction. He has none.

“I did. It’s just a piece of paper. We’ve been over for years. I get that now.”

I desperately try to change the mood of our conversation. “You look well, Josh. How’ve you been?”

“I’m well, thank you. Teaching at the university has really been a blessing to me. It was the best decision I’ve ever made.”

“I’m so happy to hear that,” I say.

“How are they? Your parents?” he asks with genuine interest, and we fall into more comfortable small talk.

“Dad’s supposed to be retired, but you know him. He still works out of the office a few days a week. Mom is busy with all her charity work. They’re in good health except for the usual ailments that come with age. Dad golfs a lot and mom walks on the treadmill a few days a week.” I laugh. “How about your family?”

“They’re all doing great. I see them every weekend for dinner. Mom is slowing down a bit too, and we think she has early stages of glaucoma, so we’re managing through that.”

“That will be us soon,” I say lightly, trying to elicit a smile from him.

He shakes his head good naturedly, but I can tell that his mind is somewhere else. “Listen, I’ve been thinking about you lately, wondering how you are. Are you still working at the same company? I heard you’ve been dividing your time between here and Frisco.”

“I actually moved into Mom and Dad’s place until I figure out what to do next. How are you and Cara? I’m happy to see that she’s moved in.”

“Yes, she’s still working at the hospital, but she sold her place to move in with me.”

I’m lost in thought as I look out the window towards the pier. The Ferris wheel, the Children’s Museum… these places leave us with so many memories of her. “I can never get enough of this unobstructed view.”

“I think of her every day. These places—they help me to remember.” He leans in towards me as he says this, his hands clasped together and resting on his knees.

I nod my head in agreement. “Josh, I guess I just wanted to see you, to make sure that you were okay.”

His eyes travel across the room and I twitch uncomfortably when I see that he’s looking at my neck. “Is it still there? The scar?”

“It’s better,” I reply, mindlessly toying with the scarf on my neck. “Lighter and less noticeable.”

“I am so sorry for everything that’s happened between us, Jade.”

“I know, Josh.”

“I’ve learned so much in therapy. At first, it was remorse over what I had done to you. And then it was anger at losing you and her in the span of one year. And now, it’s mostly just regret.”

“There’s nothing to regret. We had a good life, you and I. We did the best we could. And you helped me raise a wonderful human being. I’m filled only with gratitude for everything you did for me. I guess that’s what I wanted to come and say to you. I want to thank you for spending all those years of your life with me. And I’m sorry that it ended the way it did. It was so selfish of me to think that I was the only one who suffered a loss. You took care of us for nineteen years, and during the happiest times of my life with her, you were there too.”

“I appreciate your kind words,” he says sadly. “Jade, I can never take back what I did. I will live with that forever. But I now know what happened to me that night. Can we talk about it?”

“Yes, I think we need to,” I agree wholeheartedly. “I should have told you how I was feeling outright instead of keeping it all inside. But please understand, I tried to work it out. I tried to cast my feelings aside. I knew that you needed me as much as I needed you. I can’t explain it, but everything just shut down after we lost her.”