Insipid (34 page)

But before every parting is a greeting. A “Hi,” “Hello,” “It’s so nice to meet you.” Sometimes it doesn’t mean anything, it’s fleeting and ordinary and routine, like the people you pass on a two way street, or the person who sits next to you on the bus. No matter the manner however, it signifies the start of something exciting, fresh and unfamiliar. If you truly stop dwelling on the goodbyes of your life, you will recognize that special “Hello.”

It comes in any form, on any day, at any time. And when it does, you will want to risk it all despite that impending departure.

Mine came in the form of a firm handshake, a lopsided smile, and deep, dark, angry brown eyes.

“YES, YOU HEARD
right. I’m in Spain. No, I just landed and am about to hop in a cab to find that doggone place.”

I’m on the phone with Chris, checking in like I’ve become accustomed to in the month that he’s been gone. He sounds happy and settled in his new life, loving his job and excited about exploring his new environment. He moved into a majestic home in Kahala, right by the ocean. The pictures he sent me boast of a sprawling 5,000 square foot home in a private beach front estate. It’s a rental for now; I think he’s finally coming to terms with the nomadic lifestyle that accompanies the career of his choice. I miss everything about him—his love, his protection, his face, his smell, his touch. I miss seeing my daughter in his eyes.

But I don’t miss the guilt that I harbored while we were together.

Two weeks after Chris left, Marissa called to see how everything was going. I didn’t tell her about Chris because I didn’t think that we were over. She was closing up the San Francisco apartment and thought I should know where her brother had gone. “His friends were worried about him sitting around San Francisco waiting for nothing,” she explained. “With all that temptation around him, they thought it would do him good to travel to Spain for some downtime away from everything.”

So here I am, in a taxicab, riding through the winding coastal roads of Port De Soller, a city nestled between valleys surrounded by a bay that opens up into the great wide ocean, on my way to see him. Lately, I’ve become the Queen of Impulse, but this has to top everything I’ve done in the past few months. I figure that seeing him one more time will surely bring resolution to the mess I’ve created. Something that I desperately need, as I attempt to tie up all the loose threads that have recently come undone.

The driver takes me up a steep hill to a white, cube-shaped house replete with a style that reflects an understated sense of contemporary Spanish architecture. The white cement walls are offset by tall windows with wooden shutters. A rooftop terrace with an infinity pool can be seen from miles away, and the sound of splashing water and children’s voices surprises me.
He’s not alone
, I conclude to myself, as I see three identical Porsche 911s parked side by side on the driveway.

I knock lightly on the glass door, hoping that no one hears me, wishing that I could use it as an excuse to turn around and walk away. Someone comes forward merely two seconds after I lift my fingers off the knocker. It’s a little person. An adorable brown-haired girl in a pink tutu and white ballet slippers, wide-eyed and excited about having answered the door all by herself.

“Hi,” I say as I kneel down and offer my hand out to her outstretched fingers. “I’m Jade. I’m looking for—”

“Are you Miss Universe? You sure look like her.” Her little voice brings me back to the past once again.

“Maddy, who is it?” a woman’s voice calls out from the hallway.

“Mommy, she’s so pretty. I think it’s Miss Universe!”

I stand up as a carbon copy of the little girl appears behind her. Bright, light brown doe eyes and flawless facial features—talk about Miss Universe. The mother gives her daughter an indulgent smile, then looks up in welcome.

I laugh uncomfortably as I hear another set of shuffling feet. This time, it’s a light-haired man with a cane in one hand and a chubby baby boy hooked under his arm. They make a striking couple. She takes the baby from him as he so naturally encircles his free arm around her shoulders and pulls her close.

“Hi,” he whispers tenderly in her ear.

“Hi,” she answers, lightly brushing her lips against his.

I want that kind of quiet love.

We all stay mum for a brief second until I nervously break the silence.

“I’m sorry. I think I have the wrong house. I’m looking for Lucas Martinez; this is the address that was given to me.”

“You are?” the woman asks, turning her head towards the man standing next to her.

“My name is Jade. I’m a friend of his.”

“You’re at the right place. I’m Isabel and this is my husband, Alex. These two little people are our children, Maddy and Jack.” She leans over to give me a kiss on each cheek. Alex does the same, while the sweet little boy giggles and kicks his feet in the air.

This is the woman who left him for her husband.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you all,” I reply, filled with awe at the love that’s clearly radiating from this extraordinary family. Such genuinely happy people; I can’t help but notice how they smile with their eyes.

And then, a familiar voice.

“Jade Richmond.”

I can see Leigh Taylor standing a few feet away from the door. He holds hands with a dark-haired beauty wearing a pretty white summer dress.

“Oh, hi, Leigh. My gosh. I’m so sorry to intrude on your family vacation. I didn’t even think to ask Marissa whether or not he was living alone.” I fish into my purse and pull out my card and a pen, scribbling rapidly with the aim of leaving as quickly as I can. I’m short of breath and fighting the urge to shed more tears.
Once again, I don’t find him.
“I’m staying at this hotel, if you would please just ask Lucas to call me when he can.”

Alex slowly walks away, leaning heavily on his cane as his left leg drags behind his right. I notice Isabel watching him lovingly until he is no longer within her view. She then takes my hand and leads me inside the home. The heavy wooden furniture provides a delightful contrast to the bright white interior of the house. There are no shades, and the large windows open up to the most spectacular panorama I have ever seen.

“He just went out for a run,” she says. “Please come inside and join us on the patio for a cup of coffee. He should be back soon.”

I nod my head absently and follow her through the living room, up a flight of stairs, and through sliding glass doors that lead to the outdoor pool and a large seating area. The rest of the family is frolicking in the water. I watch them with interest, remembering the delightful sound of laughter that filled the early years of my marriage with Joshua. Isabel motions for me to take a seat. No one else has followed us here. The two of us are left alone, and I have to convey what’s foremost on my mind. I have to know.

“Does it feel awkward—I mean, the fact that L-Lucas and you—with your h-husband and all?” I stutter through my words, trying my best not to sound offensive.

“Alex continues to take responsibility for that time in my life,” she answers easily, not the least bit taken aback by my question. “He sees that there was no emotional connection with Lucas whatsoever. It’s funny. Although we’ve all moved past that tumultuous year in our marriage, we will never forget it and the lessons we learned from it.” There is such a sweet calmness to her voice, to her demeanor. She’s the absolute picture of serenity. All of a sudden, I am jealous of her. I want her peace. “Why are you here, Jade?” she asks bluntly.

“I wish I knew.” I sigh, looking down at my hands for a moment and then affixing my eyes back on her. I feel an affinity towards this woman whom I’ve just met and who has a past with the man I think I’m in love with. She brings a sense of reprieve to this conversation. A small ray of hope that Chris and I can someday be good friends. “I just had to see him. For the past eight months, I’ve been consumed by thoughts of him, by feelings for him. I struggle to define them and selfishly, I’m hoping that seeing him will give me that clarity. I need to understand why I was willing to throw away something special in my life for a fixation that I can’t even begin to understand.”

I notice that the children are starting to get out of the pool and so I turn around, curious to see what’s prompting them to do so. I see Alex standing by the doorway, signaling to Isabel, and she immediately stands up to leave.

“We’re so sorry to have to leave you here. I’m going to bring you some coffee and then we’re all heading out to take the kids to the beach for the day. Lucas should be back any minute now.” She turns her head away to address the boy still in the pool. “Eddie! Time to go!”

I bob my head up and down, trying not to panic.
I’ll be fine here. I’ll wait.
I don’t want her to worry about me.
I’ll wait. He’ll be back soon and I can get everything off my chest.

She pauses with an afterthought and reaches out to lightly touch my right shoulder. “I hope you don’t mind my giving you some advice,” she starts out. “The past. Sometimes, we get so hung up about it that it prevents us from looking ahead. Trust me, I know what I’m talking about. The past can never be duplicated; nothing ever stays the same. But the mind, it tricks us into thinking that we can bring it all back if we try hard enough to do so. Let the past go. Hurl yourself into the future knowing that time waits for no one. Whatever that means for Lucas, don’t look back. Step forward no matter how much more comfortable you are with your past
. Trust in your heart because it places its trust in you.”

And then I am left with the deafening silence of an empty house.

I CONTINUE TO
sit and stare at my surroundings, swathed in the lull of the stillness. I can see Chris’ blue eyes in the reflection of the water, Cia’s purity in the stark white walls of the outdoor enclosure, my whole life depicted in the endless expanse of the mountainous view. I don’t think of him until I feel him next to me. I look up into those bewitching dark brown eyes.

“Jade?” He removes his earphones, shuts off his iPod, and steps away to grab one of the towels hanging on a rack.

“Hi.”

“You’re here? How did you know?”

“I went over to your place to deliver your Secret Agent book. Marissa told me.”

He removes his shirt and I do my best not to look in his direction. “Sorry, I’m a mess. I’m going to cool off. Be right back.” He walks away towards the outdoor shower, rinses off, and then dives into the pool. He goes from one end to the other and lifts himself out of the water to walk back towards me.

“You realize that now I’m too distracted to have a conversation with you.” I laugh, trying not to stare at the soaking wet Adonis in front of me.

He doesn’t find any humor in what I just said. “Why are you here?” He sits down on the ground right next to my feet, a puddle of water slowly gathering around him. “Is your fiancé with you?”

I shake my head. “I wanted to see you.”

“Now that’s a change. I already know your good news. You didn’t have to come here to rub it in my face.”

“Just like you didn’t have to come to my mother’s party uninvited.”

“Oh yeah, that. Huge mistake.”

I am taken aback by his declaration. That night meant everything to me. It stole away any chance I had of working things out with Chris and launched me into a world where nothing else existed but him. I realize that I can’t take much more of this. I can’t break down his walls and I’m done trying. I spring myself upwards without a word and quickly dart away.

“That’s it!” I hear him say loudly to make sure that I hear him despite the distance. “Run away again. That seems to be what you do best.”

“You’re a jerk!” I yell back as I boot it out of the house, down the steep, sloping hill, and out of his life.