Insipid (37 page)

He doesn’t wait for me to finish. He shoves the box back into his coat pocket and backs away with a tormented look in his eyes that fills me with dread.

It’s over. He’s done.

“Run away again, Jade. Leave like you always do.”

I don’t move. This time I stay rooted in place. I don’t even blink. I belong here, with him.

“The driver is here to take you wherever you want to go. I’ll have someone pick up my stuff from your place. Good luck, Jade. I wish you the very best, always.”

I watch him walk away from me, yearning with all my heart that he stops to look back.

He doesn’t.

“YOU KNOW YOU
can stay with me for as long as you need to,” Leya assures me kindly as she pours me another cup of coffee.

I’m standing by the stove, making her a quick breakfast before she has to leave for work. It’s been a week since Lucas’ proposal and I’ve remained in town to give him time to return to San Francisco for his things. We haven’t spoken at all, although he has managed to speak to Leya a few times, mainly just to check on where I would be staying in the days following his departure from Chicago.

“Thank you for your offer. I’m hoping to wrap up things here in a few days and return home shortly after that.”

Leya leans against the kitchen counter, clasping her fingers around her oversized coffee cup. She looks at me with a slight smile on her lips, her eyes gentle and sympathetic, full of emotion.

I turn my head towards the living room, resting my gaze on a few things that remind me of my past. “How’s Jordan doing at school? Is she liking Iowa?” I ask. My chest no longer tightens when I see reminders of Cia. Jordan was her friend. I need to be cognizant of the fact that the loss of her wasn’t just all mine.

“Well, she met a boy, so she’s been coming home less and less. But Brent and I plan to drive up often for the football season. She thinks she might be able to find a roommate for an apartment close to campus.”

“They up grow so fast. How did the time just run away with all these years?”

Leya nods her head uncomfortably. I know she’s thinking of me. I change the subject immediately, but she’s still looking at me with pity. I don’t do well with pity.

“That night. You knew, didn’t you?” I dare to ask, knowing full well what her answer would be. I place the hot pan in a sink full of water before setting a plate full of eggs and toast on the kitchen counter in front of her.

She doesn’t answer for a while. I know it’s because she has so much more to say that she’s formulating the weight of her words in her head. She’s never been at a loss for sharing her opinions with me. This time, she wants me to take her seriously.

“I saw him, and then I saw you. And I knew.” Her voice starts to crack and then her tears fall softly, one at a time. “I’m really worried about you, Jade. It breaks my heart to see you like this. Why are you doing this to yourself? You know you love him. How else do you want him to prove his feelings for you?”

I want to answer her directly, but I don’t know what to say. I, myself, don’t understand what it is I’m looking for.

She takes my silence as her cue to keep going. “He has this effect on you that no other man has ever had. When I saw you that night, your face told me all there was for me to know. You had the look that being with him brings out in you. He’s the one you want and yet, you keep on with the denial, and this horrible self-inflicted sabotage.”

“You’re absolutely right.”

She looks at me in sheer surprise. “I am?”

“The way I feel about him just doesn’t make any sense. He comes from such a dark time in my life. I don’t ever want to go there again. Things that you can’t explain die a natural death. What if that happens? I need to heal myself before I can truly feel comfortable about loving someone else other than Chris. Or Josh. Or Cia.”

“That is the most ridiculously selfish thing I have ever heard! Chris, Josh, your parents, Cia, me—we all love you. We all want what you want. We all want to you be happy. You’ve definitely lost it if you think that we’re all just sitting around wallowing over what’s happened in the past two years. Take control of your life and run with it. Not away from it.” She holds nothing back about giving it straight to me. The tone of her voice is strict and authoritative. I can tell she holds no sympathy for anything I’ve just revealed to her. “Stop overanalyzing things, Jade. There has to come a point where you grab the bull by the horns and ride it out. Life will pass you by and before you know it, you’ll be left all alone.”

“Please understand, Ley. I need time to come to my own conclusions. Will you give it to me? Will you support me while I manage through this? I promise to make myself get better,” I am crushed by her lack of understanding, it moves me to tears.

Her demeanor softens instantly as she walks towards me and enfolds me in her arms. “Okay, sweetie. I understand. Take the time you need but promise me that you will eventually open your heart up to whoever makes you happy. There’s nothing sensible about falling in love. That’s the beauty of all this. I know you’re afraid to get hurt again, but Lucas is God’s gift to you for everything you’ve endured in the past two years. Welcome him into your life—he wants in, Jade. Let him in. Stop Running.”

I SIT IN
a booth at his favorite steak place across the river and wait calmly until I see his familiar, kindly face slowly approach our table. I invited him to join me for lunch on my way to O’Hare for a flight back to San Francisco the day after Leya and I had our conversation. I stand up immediately to greet him with a kiss.

“Hi, Father Mike. I’m so happy you could make it on such short notice.”

“Of course. I’ve been wondering how you’ve been,” he says lightly as I slide back into the booth and he takes the seat across from me.

I call for the server, who immediately takes our order for some drinks. We take a while to peruse the menus before he starts to ask me for an update.

“Your mother tells me that you recently had a marriage proposal,” he says offhandedly, as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

I laugh timidly, embarrassed to have to explain to him the outcome of that event. “Oh gosh, my mother! When did she call you about it?”

“She actually called me about organizing Cia’s next service. She told me about it when I asked her how you were.”

“Well, then you already know how it went down.”

“Jade.”

In the midst of our conversation, the server takes our meal order. I ask for a steak salad while he gives in to a 12 oz. New York strip. I try to change the subject for a bit. “How’s Joshua doing?”

“Very well, actually. He and Cara have been seeing Father Joseph for their pre-marital sessions.”

“Oh my! I’m so happy for him,” I gush, genuinely filled with so much joy at his news.

“They’re getting married?”

“Yes, seven months from now.”

“I’m so glad. You see? I told you he would find true love one day. Cara is really good to him.”

“And he is good to her. He loves her very much.” It’s a fascinating fact that this man always knows just what I’m about to say. “It’s okay that you’re relieved that he has finally found his peace, Jade. And it’s okay to wish the same for Chris too.”

I shake my head, keeping it down, refusing to catch his eyes. “I destroyed Chris instead of helping to rebuild him. I’m a liar and a cheater. My life has been one big joke.”

He reaches across the table to take my hands in his. “First and foremost, it was never your responsibility to fix Chris. You lost the most important person in your life. You sacrificed 19 years of your life for her. You are kind and loving and incredibly ethical—a wonderful mother, daughter, and wife. What went down in the past year doesn’t define who you are as a person. You’re allowed to make mistakes.” He gently holds my hands down when I try to pull away. “You’ve never been one to play the victim of life’s circumstances. And I know that you’re not about to start now. Take accountability for your actions, but move on at the same time. You’re lucky that it took months and not years for you to gain some clarity.”

I completely agree with his statement. “Yes, it’s funny but my head just cleared up as soon as I saw him in Mallorca. After I left him at the beach house, I fully accepted the fact that regardless of whether Lucas and I ended up together, what I had with Chris could never be more than a beautiful part of my past.”

“Now that says something, doesn’t it?” He starts to cut through his food as a sign that it’s my turn to talk and his turn to eat.

“I was hoping that we would figure things out together, but he’s so damn impatient.” I sigh wearily. He nods his head while chewing his food, urging me to continue. Lucas’ gorgeous face quickly enters my mind and I miss him so terribly. “Yes, yes. I guess it does mean something. And I’m so afraid that I’ve lost him.”

It doesn’t matter how much you have, how accomplished you are, how well put together your life is, or that you are loved by so many people. A heartache is a heartache is a heartache. Whether you’re 23 or 43, the tenderness in your heart whenever you hear his name, the time you spend each day living with your memories, the loneliness that you feel despite the love of those around you
—
these things don’t change. They remain the same.

He takes a swig of his cocktail before staring straight into my eyes. “Forgive yourself first and foremost. And then, let go of the past. It doesn’t mean that you have to throw away your memories. Keep them safely tucked inside your heart, but leave room in it to make new ones. If you find that you still want him after this, you will get him back.”

THERE’S NOTHING AROUND
the house that reminds me of him. And yet, I think of him every single minute of every single day. It’s been more than a year since I first laid eyes on him as he watched me from the corner of a conference room. It feels like eons ago since he collected his things and moved away, all the traces of our time together are gone.

I’m on a mission to let go of my past. I immerse myself in my father’s business affairs, I work and travel and piece together the remnants of my life by finding comfort in the solace that being alone now affords me. I call him when these moments of weakness overcome me. He doesn’t pick up the phone and I hang up without leaving him a message. I cry tears of remorse. Of bitterness. Of acceptance. I don’t even attempt to question why it is that he hasn’t tried to contact me. I know him well enough to understand that this is his way of trying to move on.

Leya tells me that Chicago has seen its last snow of the season and sends me snapchats of the slowly budding cherry blossoms. I make a mental note to call her in the morning. Sometimes, when I miss him, I call her instead.

Chris and I keep in touch often. He’s seeing someone, a publicist who’s been touring with the team for the past few months. He tells me that it isn’t serious. He tells me that he still loves me. And I tell him that I will always love him. Without Chris, there will be nothing left of my past. I hold on to him if only for that reason, although selfishly I know that saying goodbye to each other will be an inevitable part of our near future. Father Mike was right about the need for all of us to keep moving forward regardless of our incessant longing to cling to what we once had.