Intimate (10 page)

“Sure,” she
replied, surprised and pleased by the invitation. Caleb was really going all
out with this new-and-improved-friend business. She glanced over at Baron. “It
was nice to meet you. If you’re still around, you should come to dinner with us
tomorrow.”

Caleb looked
decidedly displeased with this idea. “I’m sure he already has other plans.”

“No plans at
all, and I’m not about to refuse an invitation from such a beautiful woman.” He
slanted a mocking look over at Caleb. “Or miss the chance to hang out with my brother’s
old friend.”

Caleb appeared
to be muttering obscenities under his breath, so Marissa chuckled and made her
way to the door. “Then I’ll see you both tomorrow evening. I can’t remember the
last time I was so looking forward to dinner.”

She really was.

*
* *

As she was trying to drift off
to sleep that night, Marissa was bombarded by scattered images and sensations
from the last two days.

Crying in the
shower about her dad. Caleb holding her awkwardly and trying to comfort her. Caleb
stroking her hair as she fell asleep. Caleb smiling at her so warmly in his apartment.
Kissing Caleb in the kitchen last night. Kissing him today. Waking up with him
this morning. His arm draped around her. Hugging his arm to her chest. His hand
lightly fisted between her breasts. His arousal pressing into her butt. His
slow breath against her neck. The possessiveness of his arm against her. The
warmth of his body against her. The hardness of his erection against her.

Marissa gasped
and sat up straight in her bed.

She suddenly
realized why she’d had the recurring sick feeling since yesterday.

It had been so
long, she’d almost not recognized it.

Caleb had been trying to work up
a new performance piece for more than an hour now.

But instead of seeing
the sheet music laid on the desk in front of him, he was seeing Baron James’s
offensive eyes crawl over Marissa’s body earlier in the evening.

He was seeing Marissa
stare back at James, with curiosity and something else in her expression. Caleb
wasn’t sure what that something else was, but he definitely didn’t like it.

She’d almost
looked excited.

He snapped his
pencil in half. Swore under his breath and threw the pieces in the waste can
with the remains of the two other pencils he’d already broken in the last hour.
Then pulled another freshly sharpened pencil out of his desk drawer and tried
once again to concentrate on his work.

This was
becoming ridiculous. Laughable in a humiliating way. Surely one woman—a woman
he’d known for years—couldn’t disrupt his life to such an extent.

It simply had
to stop.

With some
effort, he managed to restrain his thoughts sufficiently to mark up one page of
the music. Then, with a resigned sigh, he put down the pencil and stood up.

It was after
midnight anyway. He might as well give up and go to bed.

Maybe for once
his sleep wouldn’t be haunted by confusing, provocative images of Marissa. With
parted lips. Passionate eyes. Dark hair spread out against his pillow. Back
arching. Hands raking against his skin. Naked breasts.

Maybe he
wouldn't think about her tonight.

Twenty minutes
later, he climbed into bed. His bed was huge, but no one had ever slept in it
but him. He’d always liked his space and met women at their places instead.

He tried to
clear his mind but still thought about holding Marissa on the sofa last night.
Sleeping with her in his arms. Thought about her tender eyes—her soft mouth—as
she kissed him in his living room, not so many hours ago.

Caleb’s body
reacted automatically to the memory, just as it had when she’d kissed him. Not
urgently, but enough to feel the familiar tug in his groin.

Suddenly, he
wished she were here now. In his bedroom. In his bed. He wanted her—in so many
ways.

Shifting
restlessly against the thick mattress, Caleb felt unexpectedly lonely.

After tossing
and turning for several more minutes and finding himself unable to fall asleep
or even get comfortable, he glanced at the clock. Almost one o’clock.

Automatically,
he reached for the phone beside the bed and dialed Marissa’s number.

As he heard the
first ring, he felt a rush of anxiety. What was he doing? She might very well
be asleep, and his calling her this late for no reason would startle and
confuse her.

He was about to
hang up, but she answered the phone after only one ring.

“Hello?” She
didn’t sound groggy, so Caleb hoped that meant she hadn’t been asleep after
all.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

He loved how
her voice softened as she said the one word.

Already feeling
better, he asked, “Did I wake you up?”

“No. I was just
lying in bed thinking.”

He forced
himself not to envision her lying in bed doing anything. “What about?”

There was a
very brief pause. “It’s hard to explain.”

“Try.”

The pause was
longer this time, and her voice was stilted as she replied, “Do you ever start
to think that what’s worked for you for years may not work for you forever?”

Caleb was
momentarily terrified that she’d found him out. That she’d figured out how he’d
been feeling for the last few weeks and was trying to find a discreet way to
address it. He replied vaguely, cautiously, “Sometimes. Why?”

Yet another
hesitation. He didn’t know if she was struggling to find the right words or
debating whether to answer the question. “I’ve been happy for the last five
years. I know some people are skeptical—they think I’ve been in denial the
whole time—but I’ve genuinely been happy and content with my life as it is.”

Caleb swallowed
hard, realizing at once what she was talking about. “I believe you. Are you
starting to question it now?”

“I don’t know.
But I don’t want to cling to my old decisions just because I made them years
ago. I don’t want to limit my options out of stubbornness or…or fear.”

Her words sparked
a flare of hope. If
his
feelings had been changing recently, then maybe
hers had as well. Maybe their friendship was mutually transforming, and it
wasn’t just some random insanity of his. “Has something happened to change your
mind?”

“No,” she
responded, unconsciously dampening his hope. “And I’m not even sure that my
mind has been changed. But, I guess…I mean…I’ve just been wanting something—I
don’t know—
more
. I’m not unhappy, just…I don’t know…I just…I don’t
know.”

He’d rarely
heard her so at a loss for words. He wasn’t sure if it was a good sign or not.
“You’ve always said that you could lift sex out of your life in such a way that
you don’t even miss it.”

“Yeah, but
sometimes it sneaks back in anyway.”

The thrill of
hope returned. This must be evidence that Marissa had been having sexual
thoughts recently. There was no other way to interpret her words.

Caleb tried to
contain his excitement—couldn't let himself get carried away quite yet. “Is
this something you want to pursue?”

He had been
right to temper his enthusiasm. Marissa’s response was like a bucket of water
on that irrepressible spark of hope.

“No.” Then
hesitated before she continued, “It’s not as easy as simply making a decision
anyway, but I just don’t want to close myself off to possibilities.”

“I don’t think
you should close yourself off to possibilities either.” Caleb shut his eyes.
Pictured her in his mind. Felt a swell of affection he didn’t quite know what
to do with. “You’re a generous, intelligent, beautiful woman, with so much to
offer. Don’t let your old fears define what you do with the rest of your life.”

As soon as he
spoke the words, he regretted them. Felt young and stupid—things he almost
never felt. And overly earnest.

Marissa didn’t
appear to find his response stupid, however. When she spoke again, her voice
was strangled, as if she’d been deeply affected by his words. “Thanks, Caleb. That
means a lot. You’ve been a really good friend to me lately.”

Caleb wasn’t
sure if he should be touched or frustrated by this reply. There was obvious
affection in her tone, but clearly she couldn’t imagine what he’d really been
thinking about her lately.

He wondered if
he should say something—now, when she was tender and open.

But what the
hell should he say?

“Marissa,” he
began. Then stopped himself, something like terror stopping the words in his
throat.

He was so
confused. Might as well be a horny, lovesick adolescent who was too scared to
make a move on the girl he wanted. Couldn’t help but despise himself for being
so pathetic.

“So tell me
about Baron James.”

Caleb actually
grunted in response.

This couldn’t
be a coincidence, her shifting the subject in this way. She’d been talking
about changing her mind about sex, and now she was asking about James.

Of course. It
all made perfect, horrible sense. It was why all these questions were coming up
now.

Her altered
feelings weren’t about Caleb after all—he was just her old friend, her
confidant, the person she turned to for advice.

That advice had
nothing to do with Caleb.

And everything
to do with Baron James.

He couldn’t
speak immediately. His throat literally closed up. As he stifled his
disappointment—although disappointment wasn’t really the word for it—he felt a
rush of hatred toward James.

He hated him.
Hated
him. Even though the man had been more of a friend to Caleb than his younger
brother, the James who was supposed to be Caleb’s friend.

Caleb had never
paid attention to James’s success with women—had never even given it a second
thought. It was just one of those things. Caleb had always been able to have
any woman he wanted, and he knew the same was true about James.

Except now
something was different. Because Caleb couldn’t have Marissa.

But maybe James
could.

“Caleb?” she
prompted, curiosity palpable in her voice.

“What do you
want to know about him?”

“I don’t know.
Whatever. How long have you known him?”

“For a while. I
told you—I was friends with his brother, Steven.”

“What happened
to his brother?”

“There was some
big family fight, and he just fell off the map. I have no idea where he is now.”

“Why were you
acting so territorial earlier when Baron was flirting with me? Is he an
asshole? An ax murderer? A creepy stalker type who lurks in the shadows? Does
he have multiple wives in cities around the world? A harem in his basement?”

Caleb tightened
his lips, not at all liking where this conversation was going. “He gets
around,” he said obliquely, answering part of her question and speaking nothing
but the truth.

“I’m sure he
does. Like someone else I could mention. But is he dangerous or something? You
seemed more militant than usual in discouraging his attentions to me.”

“He
could
be dangerous,” he said carefully. Then felt guilty—because James was genuinely
a good guy. “But, no, he isn’t in the habit of hurting women.”

“Hmm,” she
murmured, sounding disgustingly intrigued.

Unable to take
the suspense anymore, Caleb finally voiced his fears. “Are you interested in
him?”

“Of course.”
She made it sound so matter-of-fact—so obvious—that he felt like he’d been
slapped across the face. “Talk about a man of mystery. Baron James has more
layers than an onion. I’m dying to peel some of them away.”

“Just remember,
once you peel back the layers of an onion, you’re left with nothing but tears
and foul-smelling hands.”

She laughed irresistibly.
“Very clever. I’m really looking forward to dinner.”

Caleb couldn’t
say the same. “Maybe I should just stay at home then.”

“Wow. You really
are
grumpy tonight. Why did you call me if you’re just going to be
snotty?”

He’d been
hoping she wouldn’t remember to ask him that. “No reason,” he lied. “I didn’t
realize it was so late.”

“Oh. Well, I’m
glad you did. You distracted me enough from my weird ponderings that maybe I
can actually go to sleep now.”

“Then go to
sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Thanks again
for last night.”

“You don’t have
to keep thanking me for that. It wasn’t like I did anything extraordinary.”

“It was
extraordinary to me.”

Caleb felt a
swelling pressure in his throat. “You’ve done a lot more than that for me over
the years.”

“Still,” she replied,
not letting him shrug it off. “I’ve been thinking that maybe I don’t tell you
enough how glad I am that you’re in my life.”

Caleb didn’t
like this. It was too earnest. Too open. Too intimate. “Me too,” he mumbled,
hoping that was enough of an answer for her to let it go.

There was a
smile in her voice when she replied, “Okay. I’ll stop being so mushy now. Try
to get some sleep yourself.”

He was pretty
sure there wasn’t much chance of that tonight. “I will.”

“Liar. You’re
probably planning to practice all night. Are you in bed yet?”

“Yes.”

“So go to
sleep.”

“I will.”

“Do you need
for me to sing you a lullaby?”

“Marissa.”

“All right. All
right. I’m hanging up now. I’ll see you at dinner tomorrow. And Baron, of
course.”

“Of course.” He
clenched his jaw. “Good night.”

“Good night, Caleb.”

As he lay in
the dark and stared at the ceiling, he tried to reassert control over his mind.
Clear it of thoughts about Marissa and James. Rid it of all these overwhelming
feelings and desires and needs.

The world
usually just fell into place for him—without his exerting much effort.

Which made it
all the more infuriating that, for the first time in so many years, Caleb
couldn’t have the one thing he wanted.

*
* *

It was almost six o’clock when James
strolled into the lobby of the Caleb’s building the next evening. He was
dressed in dark colors and expensive tailoring, and he seemed to have made an
extra effort with his appearance.

Caleb sneered
when he saw him.

James arched
his eyebrows. “Glad to see you too. If you don’t want me to come to dinner with
you and your luscious friend, just say so.”

“I don’t want
you to come to dinner.”

“Tough. You
weren’t the one who invited me.”

Caleb forced
himself to ignore his irrational jealousy and concentrate instead on
priorities. “I’d rather you not mention your jazz band idea to Marissa.”

“Why not?”

“Do I need to
give you a reason?”

“If you agree
to it, you’ll have to quit your job and start traveling again. You don’t think
this is something she’d like to know?”

 “I haven’t
agreed to anything yet. You just proposed the idea yesterday. I’ll let her know
when she needs to know.”

James gave him
an impatient look under dark eyebrows.

“She worries
about me. I don’t like her to worry if there’s no reason for it. And, at this
point, there’s no reason for it.”

“So you’re
keeping this a secret for
her
benefit?” James’s voice conveyed heavy
skepticism.

“Would you care
to explain that question?”

“It just sounds
more like a back-up plan to me.”

“What is that
supposed to mean?”

“You were
always like this. Just like Steven. Always keeping a back door opened in case
what you really wanted didn’t pan out.”