Invincible (33 page)
Authors: Reed,Amy
And I don't want to. The world is complicated and painful, but it is still a place where toes can wiggle in sand, where people can love each other enough to tell them hard things, where people can be forgiven. The only thing that can ever be counted on is change, transformation. I have been transformed. I can be transformed again.
I miss them. I miss them so much. Stella, Caleb, you are being turned into sand. The world is rubbing against you and turning you into something new and small and precious. It's a miracle, all of it. My feet, my legs, my lungs, my heart. My memories of you. The love inside me, lapping against my ribs.
I know I am high, but this feels like clarity.
I don't want to be that girl, that tragedy, that statistic. My life is worth more than that. I lived through cancer and I'll live through this, whatever this is. I will stop burying my fear in the sand. I will say I was wrong. I will tell everyone I love themâMarcus, Mom, Dad, Jenica, Kasey, Will, everyone. I will stop pushing them away. I will accept help. I will stop fighting. I will be still. I will let myself be transformed again.
I text Marcus:
I'm sorry. Meet me at the beach. I love you.
I walk to the edge of the water and throw the rest of my pills in.
My feet are alive with the pain of sharp rocks digging in. But this pain will make my skin strong. I will build calluses. Someday I will be able to run across the beach.
I take off my shirt and throw it behind me. I pull off my pants. I look at the scars on my hip, my leg. I will have them for the rest of my life. They will always be there as a reminder of what I survived, of how hard I fought. Every time I look at them I will remember to be grateful. I should
not have survived, but I did anyway. And I cannot waste that. I cannot take it for granted. It would be an insult to Stella and Caleb. It would be an insult to their fight.
I step into the water and gasp at how cold it is. I know it's dirty, tainted with agricultural runoff, city storm drains, and industrial junk, but still, I feel cleansed as I walk farther in. The cold water makes my thoughts and senses sharp. It washes away my pain and all the stupid things I've done, all the hurt I've caused the people I love. It washes me and makes me new so I can start over. I wade in deeper and my body shudders. Is this what it feels like to be reborn? I lay on my back and let the water hold me. It can break apart rocks, but it can also cradle me like this. We can be so many things at once.
I am suspended and full of peace. I look at the sky, at the great blue-and-white blanket, and I feel safe. There is a place for me under this sky, a place for me in this world. And as soon as I'm finished floating, I will start figuring out where I belong. But the floating feels so good. The clouds are down pillows, falling, falling, lighting upon my body, my face, my nose, myâ
No, this is not what peace feels like. Why can't my feet touch the ground? Why can't I breathe? Why does my body feel so numb? Why is it not doing what my brain wants it to? Why are the clouds that are supposed to be in the sky in my head now?
The pills. In the cab. I took so many pills.
I try to swim. I kick and flap my arms. I am such a good swimmer. Sandy the physical therapist said I am such a good swimmer. But I am not moving. The shore is no closer. Why does it feel like something's pulling me down? My lungs are full of cold. Which way is the shore? Which way is the sky and the earth and the water and all of the things that are supposed to hold me?
I hear someone, a voice. A sound like birds, like angels.
Stella, is that you?
Marcus, where are you?
I see the sky through moving glass. I am slipping. I'm falling in slow motion. I'm a feather on the wind.
The world is so beautiful; I didn't see it until now. All of my friends and family, both here and gone, all of them, beautiful.
Everyone, I'm sorry. I'm going to make it up to you. I'm going to make my life worth something.
Stella, keep singing. Stella, I'm listening.
Marcus, I'm waiting for you. Let's start a new kind of adventure.
Are these your arms around me? Why are you screaming?
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love
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Evie's and Marcus's stories continue in book two,
Coming in Summer 2016
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Thank you, as always, to my fearless agent and tireless cheerleader, Amy Tipton.
Anica Rissi, my brilliant editor and collaborator, who gets me like no other. Thank you for believing in me all these years, and for taking me with you on this new adventure. It is an honor to have been chosen.
My husband, Brian, who keeps me sane throughout this crazy business. Thank you for keeping me grounded, and for helping me keep an eye on the forest when all I want to do is inspect every little tree. Thank you for holding my hand during the part where I thrash around and want to give up.
My daughter, Elouise, who gives me a reason to do everything.
Very special thanks to the following:
Cheri Gillies, friend and nurse, for sharing your knowledge of pediatric oncology, prescription painkillers, cancer treatment, hospital jargon, and all things medical.
Melinda Krigel, Media Relations Manager, Children's Hospital & Research Center Oakland, for your generosity and enthusiasm in helping me with this book.
Suzanne Berks, Child Life Oncology Specialist, Children's Hospital & Research Center Oakland, for taking the time to meet with me and discuss the amazing work you do.
And a big thank-you to everyone who dedicates their life to healing children. The depth of your hearts astounds me.
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AMY REED
was raised in and around Seattle, where she attended a total of eight schools by the time she was eighteen. Constant moving taught her to be restless, and being an only child made her imagination do funny things. After graduating from film school, she earned an MFA in writing from New College of California. Amy currently lives in Asheville, North Carolina, with her husband, daughter, and a well-loved dog. She is no longer restless. Find out more at www.amyreedfiction.com or follow her on Twitter @amyreedfiction.
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Beautiful
Clean
Crazy
Over You
Damaged
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Katherine Tegen Books is an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers.
INVINCIBLE
. Copyright © 2015 by HarperCollins Publishers. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
ISBN 978-0-06-229957-4
EPub Edition October 2014 ISBN 9780062384850
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