It's Always Been You (10 page)

Ben didn’t know what they were, but he recognized the feeling as she lost herself in that workout.

He looked up at her now, her skin flushed and wet, her cheeks flaming red—either from exertion or embarrassment, he couldn’t tell.

“Sorry to interrupt your workout,” he said after an uncomfortable silence stretched between them for too long.

Her lips were parted as she struggled to catch her breath.

Uncertainty flickered over her expression. “I was done anyway.”

Forced civility.

She stepped off the machine, palming her iPod. Waiting silently for him to step into the breach and say whatever it was that he was going to say.

Ben breathed out. “I wanted to explain about Zittoro’s packet.”

A slight crease appeared between her brows but other than that, her expression remained impassive. “I’m listening.”

“Zittoro’s got problems. And I get that the army can’t fix those problems.” Ben clenched his fists, fighting for the right words. “I’m sitting on his packet to make sure he hits his thirty-six months’ time in service so he can qualify for his GI Bill.” Ben ground his teeth, wishing she would say something, do something. Show some sign of a human fucking heart. “He may never use it but we owe him that.” He cleared his throat. Met her gaze and hoped—prayed—that she would hear him out. “And I’m asking you not to tell the battalion commander.”

* * *

The words were hard for him. She could see the strain written in the tense muscles of his neck, the rigidity of his stance, that she wanted to smooth beneath her fingers. It was tempting, so tempting to reach for him.

She looked into his dark eyes and saw the quiet hope, the faith that it took for him to trust her enough to talk to her.

Ben Teague was not a man who trusted easily. She could see that now. And she wanted to know why.

He stood a little too close. His body was a little too warm. With that simple request, Ben had turned her damning indictment of commanders—of him—upside down.

She had judged him harshly. Unfairly.

All because of her own bias. She was supposed to be better than that. She’d based her opinion of him on another commander’s behavior in another unit in another time.

He stood there asking for her help, and she was at a loss.

She wanted to cross that divide, to bridge the chasm between them. She wanted to trust him. More, she wanted him to trust her.

Because she was so tired of being alone. Of standing and fighting the good fight with no one by her side.

Ben dragged his hand over his mouth, breaking the spell. “Look, never mind.”

“Wait,” she said quickly. She reached for him. Her hand closed over his upper arm, over the leading edge of that intricate black ink only hinted at beneath the cuff of his army t-shirt. “I was trying to think of what to say.”

He looked at her hand on his skin. He didn’t have his uniform jacket on yet. A simple omission but where their skin touched, heat radiated through her palm. She yanked back, releasing him quickly.

“A simple yes or no would have worked,” he said mildly.

Her hand tingled where she’d touched him. She rubbed her thumb against her palm. “But it’s not a yes or no answer.”

The muscles in his neck tensed. His eyes searched her face. “I thought it was a pretty simple request.”

“It was. But there’s more to it than just that.” She took a deep breath and hoped she wouldn’t screw this up. Met his gaze and summoned every ounce of her courage to step into the breach and ask this man’s forgiveness.

Ben frowned, his brown eyes locked on hers. Her pulse throbbed in her temple. Nerves tightened in her belly. “What does that mean?”

“It means that I made assumptions about what you were doing.” Olivia swallowed the bitter pill. “I owe you an apology.” It choked her but she swallowed it anyway, the biting realization that she’d been so flat out wrong. “I won’t say anything to the battalion commander.”

He didn’t relax. He didn’t say anything. His eyes searched hers. His lips were parted, just a little. And then she felt it. The sigh of relief. A slight sensation of air brushing over her skin as he breathed out deeply. That simple movement released every ounce of tension. The lines around his brown eyes lessened. His mouth softened.

He shifted then. His hand moved before she could realize what he’d done. His palm cradled her cheek, his touch soft, his hand gentle.

It was something so simple yet it rocked the foundation of the world beneath her feet.

“Thank you,” he said. His throat moved as he swallowed and lowered his hand.

She didn’t know if he’d meant to do it or not but her skin cooled without his touch.

She nodded in acknowledgment. “Next time? Next time just tell me what you’re doing?”

He offered a wry grin. “Maybe next time, you don’t jump to conclusions?”

“Yeah, that would be a good place to start.” Deep breath. “I’ve had bad experiences with commanders hiding things. I judged you based on my past experiences and I’m sorry.”

Ben lifted a single eyebrow, his lips quirking at one corner in that ridiculously sexy way of his. “You’re not wrong often, are you?”

“I try not to be,” she said, swiping her palm across her forehead. “When I’m wrong, bad things happen.”

He cocked his head at her. “Like what?”

She shook her head slightly, looking away, not wanting him to see the truth of the failure she could never atone for. “It doesn’t matter. But I made a mistake and when I make mistakes, I own up to them and try not to repeat them.” She draped her earphones around her neck and offered him a tentative smile. “Next time? Let’s confer properly without me jumping to conclusions.”

“I doubt there will be a next time. Not for something like this,” he said. A shadow flickered across his face. He licked his lower lip and her gaze locked on that simple, reflexive movement. “I’ve been looking through my packets. There are a lot of straight-up criminals that need to go home.”

“We’re scheduled for a legal sync meeting this afternoon with the battalion commander. We can do a quick huddle afterward to set up the next priority of your packets to start tackling some of them.”

Ben nodded and shifted his assault pack to the opposite shoulder. “Sounds like a plan. I appreciate it.”

There was cool formality between them now, but beneath the professional veneer something simmered. Something dark and hungry that made her want to lean in, to feel his touch again.

To let his fingers trace over her skin.

He held the door open for her as they walked out of the gym and started down the hall. “Thank you,” he said after a moment. “For letting me do this for Zittoro.” Something in his voice cracked and she was tempted, so tempted to reach for him.

She stopped near the locker room door. He stood a little too close and for once, she didn’t take a step away from the heat radiating off his body. She lifted her chin to meet his gaze. “It’s not the by-the-book right thing to do but I understand why you’re doing it.”

“You do?”

“Yeah.” She paused. Terrified that she was giving in to something unprofessional, that she was doing this because she was starting to look at Ben like he was someone who could be more than a coworker. Her own motives made her suspicious. Still, she stood too close. And made the leap of faith. “Giving him something tangible like his GI Bill to hold on to, even if he probably won’t use it, is hope. Maybe he can kick his addiction, maybe he can’t. But you’re giving him hope if nothing else.” She paused. She reached for him then, because to do otherwise was to admit to herself that she was a coward. She cupped the soft skin on his neck. Felt the prickle of stubble against her palm, the heat sear through her skin. “It’s a kind thing to do,” she whispered.

A strange emotion flickered across his face. “There’s not a lot of room for kindness in command,” he said softly.

She slid her hand down his shoulder, her fingers brushing over the cool fabric of his uniform. It was crisp beneath her fingertips, his muscles solid beneath her touch. She squeezed his forearm gently, then released him. Because it would have been too tempting to linger.

“Command is difficult. But there’s room for being just. And it’s sometimes more difficult to be just and easier to be cruel.”

Ben opened his mouth to say something then snapped it closed.

“What?” she urged. There was something in the way he looked, the flicker of fear in a confident man that drew her to push past her own barriers and misconceptions.

“I worry about that,” he said.

“What, being unjust?”

His jaw tensed and he looked away, down the empty hallway. “About being cruel.”

Olivia wiped her neck with the towel. She took a single step forward, her palm resting on his upper arm. “The fact that you’re worried about it is a good sign.”

Silence. Awkward and heavy. His arm was solid and warm beneath her touch.

He glanced at her then, his eyes dark with uncertainty and shaded in doubt. “This is the part where I’d normally have a snappy comeback. But I seem to lose my stride around you.”

She dropped her hand, because to leave it in place would take this conversation to a place she wasn’t ready to go. Not with Ben, not with anyone.

She smiled, grasping for something light and flip to ease some of the want pounding in her veins. The space between them crackled with heat, with electric energy. “That’s good. It means I’m keeping you on your toes.”

“You think so?”

She backed up, one hand on the locker room door. “I’m leaving now.”

“Hey.” She paused and turned back. He stood where she’d left him, his assault pack thrown over one shoulder. His eyes were dark, his mouth wide and far too beautiful. “Thank you, Olivia.”

She offered a light smile, knowing it was a mistake and making it anyway. There wasn’t room for her to feel this way. Not for Ben Teague. She had to work with him. “You’re welcome,” was all she said instead.

He left her there, holding on to the fleeting connection for as long as she could.

“Am I correct in understanding that you had two soldiers picked up from the police this morning?” Major Denis asked.

Later that morning, Ben stood in the XO’s office, biting the inside of his lip to keep from smarting off at the field grade officer. He had absolutely zero business questioning Ben about his company. Zero.

But First Sergeant Sorren had told him to play nice so he was trying to play nice. At least that’s what he kept telling himself. First Sergeant had threatened to lay his hands on Ben if he didn’t keep his smart mouth in check and Ben was reasonably certain that he did not mean it in a “heal his immortal soul” kind of way.

“Roger, sir.”

“Why didn’t you complete the proper paperwork?”

Ben fought down a smart-ass remark. “Because they weren’t arrested. They didn’t meet the requirements for the serious incident report.”

“That’s no excuse for not informing battalion.”

Ben sucked on his teeth and considered how to play this. He didn’t really need a confrontational relationship with the battalion executive officer but then again, what did he care what Major Denis thought? Denis had lost Ben’s respect a long time ago.

Ben wasn’t here to kiss his ass, or anyone else’s for that matter, and while his soldiers were guilty of going out and drinking and generally making asses of themselves, they hadn’t done anything wrong. Maybe in the lily white pure world of Major Denis, who’d never bothered to descend out of his ivory tower to the mud and muck and grime where the soldiers lived and worked and played. Denis had never lived with the men; he’d never walked patrols.

He’d spent his first deployment avoiding the war, hiding out on the FOB and always finding some excuse not to go out in sector. Now he was in charge of a combined arms battalion, trying to lead sergeants and officers who knew the truth about the kind of man he was and called him on it.

Ben had never judged anyone too harshly for what they did on a deployment but damn it, the war had been going on for eight years now and Ben was reasonably certain the only time Denis had fired his weapon was on a range. How the hell did that happen
as an infantry officer?

“I’m waiting for your answer, Captain Teague,” Denis demanded, interrupting Ben’s mental gymnastics.

“I informed the battalion commander, sir.”

“You think you should have thought about who else needed to know?”

“Yep, and I made sure my first sergeant told the sergeant major.”

Denis spit into the bottle on his desk. “You’re pushing your luck, Teague.”

“I’m doing nothing of the sort. I’m pushing you out of commander’s business, sir. You’re responsible for maintenance and supply, not my soldiers’ actions, adverse or otherwise,” Ben snapped.

He was going to have to go for another run before the day was over to get his temper reined in.

“Did it ever occur to you that if I’m asking you for information, the boss has already given me my marching orders?” Denis asked.

“And did it ever occur to you that if you step into commander’s business, that I would ignore you?” Ben said.

“Remember who you’re talking to, Captain.”

“Yeah, yeah, I got it,
sir
. Are you done pissing on my leg? I’ve got soldiers I need to take care of. Unless you need me to fill out paperwork for that?”

Denis slammed his hand onto his desk, scattering papers and knocking over the dip bottle. “Goddamn it, Teague, watch your fucking mouth.”

Ben offered a two-fingered mock salute as Sorren appeared in the doorway. “I’ve got to go.”

“Get your ass back here, Captain. I’m not done with you.”

“Sir, you’re not allowed to do anything with my ass. That would be a violation of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.”

Ben walked out, falling into step with his first sergeant as they walked down the hallway and out of the headquarters. He could hear Denis still yelling as they left the building.

“Did you have to go out of your way to piss him off?” Sorren asked after a while.

“I make a special effort with him.”

“Any particular reason why?”

“Our history is long and distinguished, but primarily because he takes pleasure in being a pretentious asshole and I just like to remind him that he’s not all that special.”

“That seems to be a trait common in the officer corps these days. Something about pinning on field grade makes all y’all’s brains turn to mush.”

Ben slapped Sorren’s shoulder with a grin. “Don’t worry, the same thing will happen to you when you pin sergeant major.”

“Nah, not me.” Sorren shook his head. “I’m probably retiring after this tour.”

Ben glanced over at his first sergeant, not bothering to hide his shock. “Why?”

They started walking back toward the company ops. “The army’s not the place for me anymore.”

Ben frowned and stuffed his hands in his pockets until Sorren glared at him and he pulled them back out. “Why do you say that?”

“I think I’ve reached max effectiveness as a first sergeant. I don’t think I’ll politic well enough to make sergeant major.”

“I’m sure if you hold your nose, you can kiss the right hairy ass to get picked up.”

Sorren grunted, clearly unamused. “It’s not about politicking. It’s about bringing our boys home from combat. And I don’t think I can do that at any higher level. If they’d let me stay a first sergeant forever, I’d do it.”

“The army’s changing, that’s for sure.” Ben cleared his throat.

“So I’ve got some bad news,” Sorren said as they entered the company. “Foster ended up getting himself arrested.”

“Ah hell.” Ben scrubbed his hand over his mouth. “For what?”

“He decided to get lippy with the cop. Who happened to be the father of the girl Foster’s seeing. That girl was the reason Foster got into a bar fight in the first place.”

“Lovely,” Ben muttered. “Well, let’s go get him.”

Sorren shook his head. “We can’t do that, sir.” He toed the door to Ben’s office shut behind him. “We’ve got to let him make his own bail.”

A warning tickled in the back of Ben’s neck. “We can’t just leave him there.”

“We can and we will. I’ve played this game before. When the civilians have them, we leave them there until the civilians either turn them over to us or they make bail.”

Ben couldn’t shake the unease that settled in his guts. It was nerves. He knew it was nerves and still, he couldn’t rein it in.

He couldn’t leave Foster in jail.

“I’m going to go visit him at least,” Ben said quietly.

Sorren studied him, his eyes filled with weariness and resignation. “I figured you’d say that.”

An hour later, Sorren pulled up to a traffic light, slowing his vehicle to turn into the Bell County parking lot. “We’re just going to make sure he’s not being mistreated, if there’s anything we can bring him and all that stuff.”

Ben nodded, not saying anything.

He’d done a lot of stupid shit over the years. Hell, a lot of it had been done with Foster in their wilder days.

But he’d never had to visit Foster in jail.

A thousand emotions rioted inside him, unspent anger and shame that he’d left his friend behind when Ben had taken up the mantle of command.

And now, when he had all the power in the world, there was nothing he could do. They pulled up to Bell County jail and went through the check-in procedures. Foster was brought out into one of the visiting areas. He was gaunt, his eyes sunken and hollow. His bones cut harsh lines beneath his skin. His fingernails were dirty and crusted and there were harsh black smudges beneath his eyes.

He looked nothing like the smart-mouthed gunner Ben had served with. Panic twisted in Ben’s guts. “What the hell happened to you?”

“Couldn’t really sleep last night, worrying about my virtue,” Foster said, trying to grin. “For a county lockup, there are some horny bastards in here.”

Ben rolled his eyes. “That’s not funny.”

“It’s a little funny.” Foster grinned but it didn’t reach his eyes. “Nice of you to finally come by,” Foster muttered.

“Sir. You will remember your military bearing,” Sorren corrected.

Foster jerked a thumb toward Sorren. “Where’d you dig this guy up?”

Sorren took a step toward Foster, who took a corresponding step backward, hands held up in supplication. “Whoa, there, big fella.” Foster glanced at Ben with a grin. “Someone needs a hug.”

Sorren made a noise deep in his throat and Ben laughed. “Stop picking at him, Foster. Jeez, I need you two to play nice together.”

“Did you come to bail me out?” Foster asked.

Ben sucked in a deep breath. “I can’t, man.”

“Nice,” Foster said. “The only reason I’m in here is because Monica’s dad doesn’t like me.”

“Maybe you should have made more of an effort to get along with her dad,” Sorren said gruffly.

Foster leaned forward, cupping his chin in one palm. “Sounds like someone is an angst-y dad. Someone’s daughter start dating?”

Ben glanced at Sorren. “You have a kid?”

The muscle in Sorren’s jaw pulsed, tight and tense. “Yeah. She lives around here with her mom.”

A slow smile spread across Ben’s mouth. “Oh, really?”

“Now is neither the time nor the place for this conversation,” Sorren said roughly. “And you need to mind your own damn business, smart ass,” he said to Foster.

“Oh, I can’t wait to post bail,” Foster said. “Life around the company is going to be so much more interesting now. You really can’t spot me the bail money?” he said to Ben.

The comment was light but beneath it was a seriousness. A very real edge. Being in jail wasn’t fun, no matter how much Foster was trying to make light of the situation.

Ben swallowed, the words bitter in his throat. “I can’t.”

“I’m not sleeping. I want to come home.”

“Do you have any family or anything to help with your bail?” Ben asked, memories twisting inside him, like a knife beneath his ribs. Seeing his soldier in jail—no matter how stupid the charges—grated on his last nerve.

And there was nothing he could do.

Foster shook his head. “I’ll see if I can’t line something up with one of the bail bondsmen,” he said. He looked up at Ben sheepishly. “Sorry if this got you in trouble with your boss.”

Ben shrugged. “It’s not my boss I’m worried about.”

Foster stood as one of the guards came in. “Time’s up. Hopefully, I can post bail soon.” He looked up at Sorren. “Nice to meet you,” he said with a grin.

“Oh, I can see you’re going to be incredibly fun to have around,” Sorren said roughly.

“I shall aim to please,” Foster said.

He shuffled to the door where the guard waited. Ben didn’t move, hating himself for leaving Foster there.

Foster paused, looking back.

And Ben saw it. The very real fear of going back into lockup. He swallowed the sudden dryness in his throat.

He hadn’t even been in command a week and he was already turning his back on the soldiers who depended on him. Foster tried to play it off but Ben could see the look of betrayal on Foster’s face as they left. It burned, deeply, that he wasn’t supposed to do shit like bail his buddies out of jail anymore. It felt like betrayal—because that’s what it was. It penetrated Ben’s sense of self and ate away at who he thought he was.

Already he was becoming what he feared. A man more concerned about accomplishing the mission than taking care of his soldiers.

And Foster was the first victim on that sacrificial altar.

He followed Sorren out of the county jail, his thoughts a million miles and a half a war away.

Which is why he ran straight into Olivia Hale.

* * *

“I’m noticing a pattern,” Olivia said dryly.

“Sorry,” Ben mumbled.

He was distracted, deeply so. There were dark shadows beneath his eyes and his mouth was pressed into a humorless, flat line. “I’m actually glad you’re here,” she said.

He frowned, glancing at his first sergeant. “That is a really strange thing to say in front of the county jail,” he said wryly.

She grinned. “Not if I need you to take custody of one of your soldiers.”

Relief washed over his face, raw and primitive. “Really?”

“Yeah. Bell County doesn’t want to hold Foster. They want to turn him over to us to deal with his case.”

“You realize there’s no case there, right?” Ben asked.

She lifted one shoulder. “I figured you’d say that,” she said. “But we’ll get all the paperwork together and see about getting him out.”

Ben licked his lips, pressing his mouth flat. “What’s the catch?”

Olivia exhaled deeply. “You’ll have to make the decision of whether to go forward with charges, for him getting into trouble off post.” She studied him carefully, watching his expression closely. “Think you can handle that?”

His throat moved as he swallowed. “Yeah, I can do that.”

It was a ridiculously long process to get a soldier out of jail but she was reasonably certain she’d never seen Ben relax more visibly than when Foster walked out a free man. She sat on one of the waiting room plastic chairs, reviewing paperwork while they waited.

Escoberra’s packet was on her lap. God, but this case was such a disaster. CPS hadn’t managed to get anything done.

It was going to drag out forever.

She glanced over at Ben. She knew how badly he wanted to believe in his platoon sergeant but the paperwork simply didn’t match up with Ben’s version of reality.

Escoberra
had
put Hailey in the hospital.

She turned the page, double-checking all the paperwork in the packet. She frowned. An awards citation. Tucked into the very back of the folder. Army Commendation Medal with V device for valor. Awards weren’t usually part of military justice packets. Not like this.

Olivia read the citation carefully, then turned the page for the awards form. Second Lieutenant Ben Teague had written the award.

Escoberra had been wounded in combat and Ben had been the officer who’d put him in for an award. An award for valor was a very big deal. Those didn’t happen often.

She read the write-up then turned it over.

It had been downgraded.