It's Now or Never (21 page)

I looked down at our hands entwined, our bodies as close together as they could possibly be without actually touching, and I wondered how that had actually happened. I couldn't remember our hands finding each other. The underlying tension between us was palpable. There could be no mistaking the signs.

‘Alex, we shouldn't be talking about this now. This is our godchild's christening. Look, people are making a move to go back to the house. We should go.'

He put a hand onto the small of my back and guided me through the grounds of the chapel before we joined the alleyway that ran the short distance to Tom and Angie's house, walking together in silence.

When we reached the cottage we found the house festooned with balloons and ribbons, and inside in the open plan living area Angie's imposing pine dresser was overflowing with pink wrapped presents and gift bags, the happy sounds of laughter ringing out from all around. On the dining room table the most wonderful buffet had been laid out and bottles of pink champagne stood ready to be cracked open.

With glass in hand and suitably filled, I mooched around the room catching up with people, some I hadn't seen since the wedding. I had a chat and a giggle with Gladys and Betty, had another cuddle with Liberty which felt slightly more comfortable this time and had an extended hug too with Angie, who seemed to have taken to motherhood with inherent ease. Yet I supposed I should have realised it was an inevitability that Alex and I would find ourselves together again, irresistibly drawn to one another like magnets, huddled beside each other on the small sofa at the front of the house, nestled into the bay window, the warm sun caressing our backs.

‘Can I ask you a personal question?' Alex said, turning to me with serious intent in his eyes.

I gulped.

‘Yes, of course, what is it?'

‘Are you seeing someone else?'

The directness of his question took me by surprise and I took another sip of pink champagne to fortify me.

‘No,' I said, equally directly.

‘Okay, good. It was just I wondered about you and that guy from work, is it Matt? I thought I'd check. Didn't want to be stepping on anyone's toes.'

‘No, nothing like that.'

‘Okay, good,' he said again, and I couldn't help noticing that he actually looked relieved, very relieved. ‘So give it to me straight, Jen? What is that you don't like about me or us? I know there's something stopping you, holding you back from getting involved with me. I've sensed that from the beginning and I just wish I knew what it was because then I might be able to do something about it. Do you see me just as a friend and nothing more, is that it? For me, every time we're together is incredible. I thought that first night after the wedding was amazing, but then last time when you stayed over, it was even better. Don't tell me you didn't feel that way too?'

‘Oh, I don't know,' I said, looking away.

‘Don't lie to me, Jen. I could tell by the way you looked at me, the way your body responded to me in my bed that you weren't faking it. Have you forgotten about that?'

His arm was curled round the back of the sofa and the proximity to the promised delights of his body was tantalising. How could I possibly forget what it was like to share his bed. It was like nothing I'd ever experienced before. If I was just able to put enough distance between me and Alex then maybe I'd have the smallest chances of forgetting I'd ever met him, but every time I saw him it just rendered my defences even weaker.

Thank god we were in Angie and Tom's living room or else I'm sure we would have dispensed with the talk and just fallen into each other's arms. The electricity between us was hard to ignore, but I'd always known instinctively that I wanted more than Alex was ever able to offer me. Hadn't he told me as much?

‘You and me, we could have such a great time together. Let's go out. As a proper couple. I promise you it doesn't have to involve any more extreme sports. Not if you don't want it to, that is. Although, I quite fancy bungee jumping. What do you reckon?'

‘Absolutely no way. Never in a month of Sundays. I think my adventurous gene has been fully satiated now, thank you.'

He laughed, a mix of fondness and frustration clouding his eyes.

‘Okay, I get that, but there's plenty of other stuff you and I could do together.'

He was playing with my head, teasing me, tempting with a future that I hadn't even allowed myself to consider.

‘Alex, you and I are different people. I like you, you know that and I really enjoy your company, but we want different things from life.'

‘Ha, that's exactly what I mean.' He picked up my hand, giving it a squeeze, an imploring look on his face. ‘You're overthinking things. How can you possibly know what I want from life? You've never asked me. I want to see you. Isn't that enough? To have you as part of my life. Not just meeting up at weddings, christenings and funerals.'

I shrugged a laugh.

‘We have spoken about it! You've told me you don't do serious relationships. Three months and you're moving on. Last time I saw you, when you told me about Clare, you were warning me off. Telling me I shouldn't allow myself to be hurt in the same way as she was. I get it, Alex. I'm fine with that. Honest, I am.'

‘You're clearly not, Jen, and that's what this is all about, isn't it? I don't think you've been hearing me properly. I wasn't warning you off, quite the opposite. What I was trying to explain to you last time was that most of my relationships haven't moved beyond the three-month mark, but that's not a conscious decision on my part. I don't keep a calendar, marking the days off until a certain date and then walking away. It happens organically, a natural parting, more often than not a mutual thing between two people.'

I raised my eyebrows at him.

‘Well not always mutually, but sometimes,' he added, with a killer smile. ‘That didn't happen between us, Jen. The more I saw of you the more I wanted to see you. But every time we seem to get close you take a few steps backwards. I'm too old to be playing games, second guessing what you may or may not be feeling. I want you in my life, Jen. Isn't that enough?'

‘Oh, I don't know,' I sighed, my gaze travelling round the room, anxious to escape from the intensity of his scrutiny. I hadn't expected this conversation today.

Was he right though? From the moment I'd met him I'd had a preconceived idea about the sort of person he was, based mainly on what Angie had told me, but partly on some assumptions I'd made myself. It had been difficult not to. In his expensive Italian designer suit, shiny shoes and highly groomed appearance, he cut quite the picture of the type of man your mother warned you to avoid: smooth, polished and sophisticated, a million miles away from the guys I usually met.

I quickly learnt he was an ex-trader who was now the owner of an art gallery. He drove a smart sports car and seemed to live the high life enjoying expensive wines and restaurants. According to Angie, he was a commitment-phobe who'd left a string of glamorous girlfriends in his wake. All in all it painted a pretty convincing picture to me of someone who was undoubtedly intriguing, but probably best avoided if I wanted to keep my heart intact. If anything, in the time I'd got to know Alex better my opinion of him hadn't really changed at all.

‘It wouldn't work out between us, that's all.'

‘Tell me why not?'

‘Why not?' I sighed, much louder than I'd intended and a couple of people turned to look at me so I made an elaborate show of turning the sigh into a not very convincing yawn. ‘Well because I'd fall in love with you and then you'd break my heart and run off with some lovely lithe gorgeous creature leaving me heartbroken.' I waved my arm with a flourish hoping he'd pick up on the lightness of my tone, but as I heard the words hanging in the air, I realised I'd probably just nailed my concerns right there.

‘Jen, if you're ever going to love someone ever again you're going to have to open your heart to that sort of risk. That's what being in love is all about. You do make yourself vulnerable. But don't you think some risks are worth taking?'

I shrugged. Trouble was, I suspected Alex offered a much higher risk value than most other men.

‘It might surprise you to know that since I met you I've not been on any other dates. Not one. And the only reason for that is because I haven't wanted to. The only woman I've been interested in seeing is you.'

‘Oh,' I said, nursing the stem of my champagne flute. ‘Really?'

‘Really.'

‘Hmm. What about the owner of those silver teardrop earrings then? Have you not seen her again either?'

No sooner had I said the words than I regretted them. Alex didn't owe me any explanations, but those damn earrings had haunted me from the day I'd spotted them, taunting me with all their silver shininess.

‘Okay, that was unfortunate and I'm sorry you had to see those. I can imagine how they must have made you feel.'

It was heartening to know that Alex knew exactly what I was talking about.

‘I'm not going to make any excuses. It was someone I met, someone I spent the night with, but that was long before I'd even met you. It was just a one-off. I didn't see her again, well only to return the earrings. But I'm telling the truth when I say there hasn't been anyone else since I met you. To be honest, I haven't wanted to see anyone else.'

I shrugged, grateful that the mystery of the earrings had been resolved but hating myself for having needed to ask.

‘I know you've been hurt in the past, Jen, but then so have a lot of other people. Sometimes you have to pick yourself up again and decide what it is you actually want from life. And finding love always involves an element of risk. I know I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life avoiding getting close to someone just in case they hurt me at some unforeseen date in the future.'

Now it was Alex's turn to sigh.

‘I can't tell you what's going to happen another three months down the line, or in six months' time or a year. Who knows? It's just as likely that you could run off with your tango instructor and end up breaking my heart but that doesn't stop me from wanting to be with you now.'

‘I don't have a tango instructor.'

‘Yes, but you might have one in a year's time. And then where will I be?'

I laughed, feeling slightly ridiculous and reprimanded now by the gentle coercing tone to Alex's voice.

‘The thing is, Jen, I'm not a clairvoyant. None of us can know what the future has in store for us, but I reckon some things are worth taking a chance on and I would hope that you might think that we, you and me, are worth that chance.'

I pondered that thought for a moment. The heat of the sun on my back was much more insistent now and, aided by the restorative effects of the pink champagne, I'd felt the muscles in my back and neck relax into the contours of the sofa. I'd wanted to change my life and I was beginning to do that in certain areas of my life. Maybe it was time to take a chance too in my personal life.

‘Ah,' I stuck my finger in the air, hit by a moment of blinding realisation, ‘but you see, I knew there was a good reason for me not to trust you.'

He screwed up his face at me, the unasked question all too evident in his features.

‘You told me when we first met that you had special psychic abilities. Don't you remember? You looked at my palm and told me you could see my whole future laid out in front of me. Are you now saying that was all an elaborate charade just to get me into bed,' I said in mock outrage.

Alex dropped my hand and tipped his head back, his gaze landing on the ceiling. He inched himself back along the sofa putting some distance between us.

‘I do remember that! And the note I wrote to you. And, from memory, everything I put in that letter I would still stand by today. But sometimes you have to give fate a helping hand and if you're not prepared to do that, Jen, then there isn't really much more I can say.' Frustration tempered his words.

‘I've tried, Jen, really I have, but if you don't want this, us, then however sad that makes me, I have to respect your decision.'

He stood up and I felt a disproportionate amount of disappointment swelling in my body.

What was he doing? Where was he going? I wanted to grab him by the arm and pull him down next to me again. This conversation was only now beginning to get interesting.

‘Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to find that gorgeous goddaughter of mine again for one of her lovely cuddles.'

Chapter Twenty-Three

The calls and texts from Alex stopped in the weeks following the christening and while I'd mentally prepared myself for that eventuality, I was surprised by the depth of my regret and disappointment I felt at not seeing his name light up on my phone,at him not being there – a small shining light in my life, offering a beacon of hope, anticipation and hugely enjoyable sex.

I was still busy temping, making plans for the future, helping Gramps with some important and time-consuming shopping, redecorating my flat, but in amongst all the busyness there was still a sense of loss for something that I hadn't even realised I'd had.

I thought about Alex all the time, wondering if I hadn't been a complete and utter fool by not heeding his words and giving a chance to our fledgling relationship. I suspected he wouldn't be mooning around, wasting any time on wondering what I was doing or who I was doing it with. He wasn't that type. He'd laid down a pretty good campaign, had given it his all, but had known when to walk away when he thought there wasn't a hope.

‘Jen, darling, are you here? Or are you off with the fairies? This is my first night out since the baby was born but I'm wondering if I might have been better off staying home with Liberty. She certainly would have been more entertaining company.'