It's So Hard To Type With A Gun In My Mouth (25 page)

I think I've said this before but there is something really wonderful about starving in show business with your friends. You're all hungry and the chance to break through to the big time is exciting, it's like a carrot on a stick. It propels you forward. Vinnie pushed hard for this movie on so many levels. He liked the story, he liked the writing but mostly he wanted to produce this because he felt it has so much heart. And that was Vinnie; he had a heart as big as all out doors. He would sit with me for hours and tell me how sorry he was that this was happening to me but that we were going to turn lemons into lemonade with this movie.

Months pass. We take it to Henry; he is not in the position at that time to do anything with it. Vinnie is like a pit bull... finally someone at ABC reads the treatment and loves it. She calls us in. "It's not a story about paternity, it's a story about what makes a father."  The woman got it. She was bringing the script to the next level. Vinnie and I were thrilled. This was our big break. While we awaited a verdict from the next level the woman was fired at ABC and that was the end of the project.  Vinnie had spent months on it and could no longer spend any time and I, feeling that anything I could produce would be worthless, just let it drop.

YEARS PASS

Occasionally I see Vinnie socially but for all intent and purposes I lose contact with him. He had had some success with a few TV shows, nothing earth shaking, maybe children's programming but I'm not sure.

I had to be up at ABC for a meeting (unrelated to the movie) I was going on a casting call. I'm walking down the hall and I see a sign on the door. Vinnie DiBona so I go in. Vinnie is glad to see me. We sit and talk. He says to me, "Want to see my latest pilot?"  And he sits me down and shoves a video in the VCR. I watch and instantly know it's a hit. "Vinnie, this is a winner. I can feel it in my bones." " From your mouth to God's ears. I find out next week if we're picked up."  I spend some more time with him and we part. The name of the pilot.... "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS".

MORE YEARS PASS

Vinnie has become a powerhouse in Los Angles. I hear through the grapevine he's earning seven figures a month... a month. I had just come off writing a show for Fox called "TOTALLY HIDDEN VIDEO" and hear Universal was starting production on a new "CANDID CAMERA". The head writer from the Fox show was going over to Candid Camera, he asked me if I wanted to go with him. "Sure!" I had to meet with the producer... Vinnie De Bona. I walk into Vinnie's office and immediately notice the nameplate. Vin Di Bona. Ah. It begins. Vin and I meet and he's all business. It's like we don't know each other. I'm trying to find the old Vinnie but he's gone. In his place is a very successful producer who has a job to get done and he's trying to assess if I can do it. A few days later I learn I got the job.

CANDID CAMERA

I get to Universal on my first day and it's like a reunion. All the people from Totally Hidden Video are working here but there's a new guy, Max Mutchnick.  Max was young and balding. He was the kind of guy I liked to hang with, funny, hip, smart ... just a lot of fun to be around. I really liked him and looked forward to working with him.

Max had a cubicle next to mine. I would hear him on the phone talking to this one and that one about making this deal and that deal. I called him the little hustler. Max and I developed a love hate relationship we teased each other without mercy. He was balding; I have very long, thick hair. As a joke he would say to me, "You're old and it's over for you...". I would stick my head over his partition and say, "Yes, but can you do this?" And I would flip my head so my hair would bounce like a Clairol commercial. It would make him laugh.

Ok, so working on Candid Camera was a living hell. I used to call it Auschwitz with typewriters. It was a non-stop churning out material to be sent to producers in the field. The working conditions would have made Norma Rae spit blood. The office was filthy, they had ants and gnats, the a/c didn't work, it was noisy and crowded. Basically we were writing comedy in skid row. But in the back of my mind always was the idea that I was working on the show that Allan Funt had created. Allan was the warm, loving, sweet man that came into my living room every Sunday night. He and Derwood Kirby were a childhood memory that I cherished. As luck would have it I became close friends, and still am, with Randy Kirby, Derwood's son.

Anyway, we are informed that the writers are going to meet Allan Funt. I cannot tell you how excited I was. I'm going to meet my idol. Now both Randy Kirby and Joan Rivers had told me how tough Allan was. But I thought, "How bad could it be? This guy's like a father figure to the nation."

THE MEETING

We're all crammed into this small room at a restaurant in the valley. I'm seated right next to Allan. I'm in seventh heaven; he's an icon from my childhood. Max is seated across the table from me. Allan begins the meeting. "Ok, I've got a life vest here, what can we do with it?" And I say, "How about we do a fashion show where we get people to wear the vests." And Allan cuts me off before I can finish, "That's the stupidest effing idea I've ever heard. Where in hell did that come from? People we have to come up with better ideas than that stupid one."

I look over at Max, he's laughing so hard he can barely sit. He can't just burst out laughing so he's suppressing it.  I see Max struggling and I start to laugh but I'm seated right next to Allan and cannot be disrespectful. I can't laugh; I can't even show any emotions... I'm laughing so hard on the inside tears are filling my eyes. Every time I get control I get a glimpse of Max and we're off again. Max is sliding down in his chair with his hand over his face. I'm about to wet myself.

As the meeting progresses Allan is getting meaner and angrier with every suggestion but he's taken a particular dislike to me. I'm so beaten that I simply give up and become a child. It's now my goal to make Max laugh out loud during the meeting. If I'm going down, Max is going with me. Every time Allan looks away I make a face behind his back, he turns around I go back to normal attentive Steve. Max is watching and laughing.  I'm making faces, Max is laughing. Allan is ignoring me. I'm making faces. Allan is oblivious.  At one point I start to doodle... I draw the Dallas Book Depository with Allan in an open car. I shove it across the table to Max and another writer Nonie Breen.  Nonie sees the sketch and laughs out loud! All eyes turn to Nonie, she's pretty and Allan thinks she's laughing at something he said. He's pleased. Max and I are up for grabs.

The meeting ends and I say to Max. "I think that went well." And we're off again only now we're outside and screaming as loud as we can. Max did not let me live down that meeting. At the drop of a hat Max would bring up Allan's dislike for me. "We need to get a script over to Allan. Why don't we let Steve bring it?  Allan likes him."  It became common knowledge on the show that Allan hated me. He wouldn't meet with me again to Max's delight. Max would remind me daily of my banishment... I would flip my hair. I can honestly say that if it hadn't been for Max Mutchnick and Nonie Breen I would have lost my mind on that show.

THE END OF THE SHOW

I guess I was working there three or four months when I learned the show had been cancelled. Big surprise, it was a piece of shit... nothing like the original show and Dom Deluise was so wrong as the host it was not even funny... and it wasn't.  I had one last meeting with Vin before we closed down the office.  I said to him, "Vinnie, maybe now, with your clout, we can get "MEN CRY TOO" made. (The film I wrote about my divorce) " And he said, "Excellent idea. Here. Call my development person."

I called, had the meeting with the development guy. He hated the idea. Hated it. And I'm sitting there thinking, "Vinnie loved this idea when he was no one but now he's gotten so big he has
people who he can hire to hate stuff he used to like.  What the fuck has happened to my life?" 

There is so much bullshit in show business that if you lay it out on a football field.... You could grow dead roses. People, whatever your job is, where ever it is... go in and kiss your boss because if you think my job is glamorous and rewarding, I've got some Enron Stock I'd like to sell you.

POST SCRIPT

Nonie went on to play the Sister in "Late Night Catechism" and tours all over the country. Max went on to create and produce a little show called "WILL AND GRACE". I couldn't be happier for him. He's worked hard and deserves all his success. I will be working at a 7-11 in Little Rock and happy to get that.

JULY 21, 2006 -
MAC DAVIS

Right after the divorce my managers decided I must be kept working basically because I was calling the office and was depressing the shit out of the staff.  It wasn't so much they were trying to get me work as they were trying to save their own sanity.  My manager also managed Mac Davis, Mac was going on tour and needed an opening act. There was an opening at Hutchinson Kansas State Fair and I got it. Now this gig was going to be amazing. It was held on a racetrack and the stage was set up in front of huge bleachers. Naturally the tapes in my head began to play. "They won't like you." "I'm not country." And other assorted things my mother may have told me.

Right before I left to work with Mac, I had to do a TV show. I can't remember which one but one of the guests was Minnie Pearl. We were sitting in the green room and began talking I told her how nervous I was about doing the gig with Mac and she said, "Honey, they'll love you. Here's a joke you can open with." And she gave me the following joke:

"A man with eleven children goes to the county fair. He wants to see the prize stud bull but he doesn't have enough money because of all his kids. The ticket taker looks at his line of children... "Are those all kids yours?" The man says "yes". "Hell, wait here, I'll bring the bull out to see YOU."

Now this joke is not me. It's a joke and I don't tell jokes, I tell long stories... m
uch like I tell here but I thanked her and knew I would never use the material.

The week before we left I was wondering how I would get to Hutchinson, Kansas... it's not exactly a hub. I mentioned that to Nancy Henson, from my management office. Let me tell you about Nancy... ya know how I told you managers don't care and they're only out for their 15%... that was NOT Nancy.  She was the exception to the rule, a caring person. The day I found my son was not mine Nancy ran over to my house to sit with me. I can see her face in front of me as she just listened. I don't boo-hoo cry. Once as a child I saw the "ugly cry face" in the mirror and said, "Boy you look stupid." From that moment on I never ugly cried again. My crying is to look deadpan and just have tears streaming down my face. That's what I was doing with Nancy, just talking deadpan while tears streamed down my face. She just listened and was there for me... the only one from the office . I never forgot. There is a special place in my heart for  Nancy.

A few days later Nancy called me and said, "I've arranged for you to fly to Kansas with Mac in his private plane."  I was in shock; this just wasn't done. And she added, "Just be careful what you say to him... he's from Texas." In other words, his neck has been permanently painted red.

The day of the gig I drove myself to a private airport in Van Nuys. There were about seven people on the flight. Mac sat with a young lady who was one of his back up singers and I sat by myself.  We landed in Kansas and were picked up in Limos and taken to the dressing rooms, which were the men's room for the racetrack. Mac and I shared a room. I pace before I go on, it's how I get myself in the mental state to do comedy. I think this pissed him off. "Man, what the hell's wrong with you?" "Just nervous I guess." "Well cool it."  Thanks for understanding, I thought.

The show starts and I step out on the biggest stage I have ever stood on in my life. The audience stretched for as far as you can see to the left and as far as you can see on the right... and it goes back a couple hundred yards in tiered bleachers. Ten thousand people are sitting in the audience. Ten thousand! I begin "Good-evening ...evening...evening." Fuck, an echo... a nightmare for comedy.  It threw me for a second and then I remembered Minnie Pearl's joke and I told it. The crowd screamed. I have never heard a laugh like that before or since! But that huge laugh propelled me and gave me the courage to go on. I simply did my act as if it were the Comedy Store. They loved it and I got thunderous applause... I can still hear it to this day.

After the show I was more relaxed and Mac was a lot nicer to me. A lot of times the headliner won't talk to the opening act until they see what the opening act can do. Then, if they are good, the headliner warms up. That's what happened to Mac and me.  He said to me, "Why are you so nervous. You're good." And like a punctured vomit bag I told him the story of my son and my divorce. He just looked at me:

"Let me tell you a little story. Lunt and Fountaine were appearing on Broadway. The reviews came out and they were brilliant. The reviewers said, "Lunt gave a performance that will go down in theater history. His characterization will be remembered for generations to come. His lips are a little thin but he uses it to his best advantage in creating a real character with depth and history." And the reviewer goes on to rave and rave. Fountaine puts the paper down and said, "Congratulations, darling." All Lunt said was, "My lips are a little thin, huh?"  And then Mac looked at me and said, "Boy, in this business everyone cares about himself or herself. Nobody cares about what's happening to you.  How would you like to have your divorce in every newspaper in the country and have your best friend steal your wife?" (He was referring to his own divorce) Just go on and don't bore people with the details cause they don't care."   And at that moment I realized he was right... no one cared and I was going to have to change. It was an eye opener from a red neck.