Jackson's Dilemma (31 page)

‘May we come in?’ said Tuan.

‘Yes, of course, I’m so glad to see you, come into the drawing room. Why you’re quite wet, do just drop your coats and umbrellas in the hall. Yes, yes, come in.’

They came in, dropping their gear, and followed Benet into the drawing room. He noticed that they were both smartly dressed. The trio now stood beside the fireplace. Benet murmured, ‘It’s so cold today, I might as well light a fire.’ Then he said in a business-like manner, ‘Well, tell me your problem!’

‘Oh, Benet — ’ said Rosalind. And suddenly her eyes were filling with tears.

‘My dear - ’ Benet thought, it’s trouble, oh what a
nuisance,
some catastrophe, bad news about Marian, to be unloaded upon me, or something to do with Rosalind, why does he bring her here, they don’t know each other -

Tuan put an arm round Rosalind’s shoulders. She was now mopping her tears. She said, ‘Benet, dear, listen, Tuan and I are going to get married!’

Then, holding each other, they both went into peals of joyous laughter.

Benet was so amazed that he stepped back with his mouth open. He was about to say ‘Who are you both getting married to?’ Then in the next instant he had seized upon Rosalind who was relinquishing Tuan, and kissed her ardently, and then came Benet and Tuan’s embrace, and the laughing and the talking and the holding onto each other, and then they all sat on the sofa, one on each side of Benet and talking all at once.

‘Oh I am so glad, so
glad
!’ He was taking Tuan’s hand.

‘Oh thank you, thank you,’ Tuan cried, then, ‘Oh I mean, can I, Benet, I am so sorry, I am half mad, I can scarcely believe it’s true — ’

‘It’s true, it’s true!’ cried Rosalind. ‘You are the first person we have told! Oh Benet, I love you so much, you have been a father to me, please now will you always be a father to us both, and we’ll be just in the Register Office and you will be with us, you will won’t you, oh if only Uncle Tim were here, you are great, and Tuan is great, and we are now and forever, and we thank you so much — ’

‘Thank you for telling me first,’ said Benet. Turning to Tuan he thought, how young they are, and how tall and
noble
Tuan looks, like a Highland Chieftain, oh may they be happy! ‘You will be so happy,’ he said to them, ‘I bless you - I won’t tell anyone, I expect you would like to break the news yourselves.’

They had not thought about that, but said yes, they would like now to tell some of their friends, they would be having a little quiet secret wedding in a Register Office, and they would like him to come and perhaps just one or two others.

Benet was just wondering whether they knew about Edward and Anna when they cried out themselves about how wonderful
that
was. ‘And of course Marian and Cantor are getting married,’ said Rosalind, ‘they are so happy, we have been talking to them on the telephone, and Mother is going over to see them, and then coming here to see us, and
she
is so pleased and she sends love to you by the way — ’

Benet looked at them. He had gazed at Rosalind ever since she was a child. But Tuan, he realised, he scarcely knew at all. Now they were looking at each other and Benet thought, how handsome they are, and Ros with her soft golden hair cut above the shoulders and Tuan with his thick dark curly hair reaching down his neck, surely he is a
good
man, a lovely kind gentle man, she has chosen well - but what a surprise, and of course they would be penniless, Tuan has no proper job and Rosalind has no job at all! Her mother is a very uncertain quantity, she may be bankrupt by now! Of course I shall help them, I hope they will let me! He looked into Tuan’s mysterious dark eyes and into Rosalind’s pure blue eyes and wondered what their children would be like. Only after they had gone he realised he had not offered them a drink.

 

Benet did a lot of walking fast round the house and exclaiming and talking aloud to himself. What was to become of all these weddings? Nothing but surprises; he had expected Marian to marry Edward, then he had wondered if Rosalind might marry Edward, he had never expected Anna to appear from France, or Marian to go to Australia or young silent Tuan to seize hold of Ros. He had refrained from asking Tuan about his parentage, he must find that out. He was worried about Bran’s hostility but hoped that it would pass. Would he, Benet, be invited to Australia? Would he become an intimate at Hatting Hall? Would Bran confide in him and love him? Would they all ask his advice? Or would he be quietly set aside? All these were instantaneous wandering pains. And now the most accusing of all. Rosalind had begun to say something about Jackson - but Tuan had somehow swiftly checked her.
He
must not be mentioned. Benet did not think that they had any news of Jackson - but they had intuited his, Benet’s, shame, his helpless desire to recover what now would never be found again.
Remorse.

 

Benet had considered returning to Penndean that evening but now it seemed to be too late. He went into the kitchen and ate some oddments standing up. He felt sick of himself and ready to weep. His pleasure in the forthcoming weddings had faded, they might even fill him with resentment. Pictures of his childhood began to rise up, how rude and unkind he had been to his father, how he had really not loved his parents at all. Things had gone wrong for him early in life, he had made them go wrong, he had even failed Uncle Tim, he had never really understood him, he had derided him and bossed him about. Such a great man - and Benet had ignored him. Now he, Benet, was suddenly useless and old. Had he ever enjoyed happiness, did he know what it was? The wind had gone down and the rain had ceased. He decided to leave the house and do his penitential walking outside. There was already a twilight over London. He put on a warm coat and a cap and began to walk at random, suddenly remembering a game he had played in childhood,
Getting Lost in London.
He had not played it, he recalled now, more than once or twice, since it was deemed to be dangerous! Benet was now ready for danger, for lostness. He set out from Tara, walking at first at random and attempting to lose himself. Soon however he found he was, after various circular wanderings, arriving at Earls Court station. He thought, this is no good, I’ll go
right into the centre.
He took a train as far as Leicester Square, where he emerged, finding it raining again. By this time however he had discovered a new idea. He thought I must be in a
really different place
- somewhere like Brixton or Kennington or Clapham or Lambeth or Morden - places I have
never visited,
places unknown and far away, where I can
really
get lost. He went back down the escalator, and hurried along the corridor indicating Northern Line. As he reached the platform a train was coming in. The front of the train was marked MORDEN. He leapt on. His heart was beating fast. Getting Lost in London. He sat down and looked up at the railway map. Almost at once he saw EMBANKMENT. Next station but one. He had a brief period in which to reflect. Even then he hesitated, and rushed out just as the doors were closing.

Outside, Benet’s crazy London game was over. It was not that he felt ‘better’. He felt sick and frightened. He felt like a criminal who, prior to execution, is taken to the place of the crime. He began at first, leaving the station, to scuttle about, running away up Villiers Street towards the Strand. He reached the Strand, crossed the road, nearly being run over, and began to walk aimlessly along the pavement, looking into the windows of shops, in the direction of Waterloo Bridge. He paused for a while however outside the Adelphi Theatre and began slowly to make his way back. He stood still for a short while, then pressing through the crowds, crossed the road again. Here he walked cautiously down one of the streets parallel to Villiers Street, looking at the house where he used to live and where Jackson had first spoken to him. He felt a curious impulse to knock at the door. In fact he knocked, but no one answered. He walked down as far as the garden which ran beside the river, then returned into the evening rush. He went back to Villiers Street, then stopped at the Arches and walked a little way in. He returned and stood upon the pavement, streams of men and women, hurrying, brushed past him. He stared a while at passing faces. Then he walked back down the hill toward the station. Underneath the railway bridge two men and a woman were standing. As he approached, the woman held out her hand to him. He fumbled in his pocket for a pound coin which he gave to her. He thought, why am I not like that too. And then, why do I think such thoughts, why am I here, oh God forgive me, except that I don’t believe in God. He went into the station, intending to take a train, then stood looking out onto the Victoria Embankment. Just beyond was the Thames. He observed the thick stream of traffic and waited. Then he found himself standing at the foot of the steps leading up to the railway bridge; automatically he began to mount. Why was he doing this, he felt so tired and so senseless. At the top of the steps he paused. He thought, I am nobody now. He was the beginning of nobody. Now it was dark. The Thames below was full and quiet. It was dark on the bridge, a lit-up train rattled past. Benet turned to go down, then changed his mind and set off slowly toward the other side. Near the centre of the bridge a man was leaning upon the rail, looking down the river in the direction of Waterloo Bridge. Benet stopped, then moved on. The man turned to him.

 

Later Benet, looking back, wondered how he had remained upright. He also thought, or imagined, that Jackson’s face was in some way lit up. He kept on walking until he was close to Jackson. Nearing, the hideous idea occurred to him of simply passing by, with a nod, or with a calm stare ahead. How this had occurred to him seemed later incredible - certainly it was not contempt or hatred - it was
fear.
He thought, suppose I speak to him and he just ignores me. He stopped a short distance away from Jackson, who had now turned towards him and certainly recognised him. Benet thought, I shall speak, then pass on. He came a little closer, then paused. He said, ‘Jackson.’ This alone, this alone perhaps, was all that would be expected of him, all he would be allowed to offer, before he passed by in silence. Stumbling, he went on however, ‘I’m sorry.’

Jackson, turned now towards Benet and leaning against the railing of the bridge, said nothing. Very close to them another brightly lit train rushed by. Then silence against the hum of the city.

Benet, wanting, needing now, to say just one more thing, then slink away, said, ‘You have been very kind to us-to me-I am very sorry.’ He had by now noticed that Jackson was wearing shabby clothes such as he had worn when Benet first met him.

As Jackson still said nothing, Benet felt he was being dismissed, he could not simply stay there uttering feeble servile remarks, his misery in any case was making him speechless. He had now to decide whether he was to walk on, past Jackson, or walk back again the way he had come. He began to turn back, then decided to go forward.

Jackson said, ‘Wait a minute.’

After this he turned from Benet and looked away down the river towards St Paul’s.

Benet waited in silence.

Jackson, turning back, said, ‘Why are you here?’

Benet said promptly, ‘Looking for you.’

Jackson reflected on this, nodded his head, then turned away again towards the river.

Benet, wondering if this were a blunt dismissal, or seeking for something to keep the conversation alive, said, ‘Have you got another job?’

Jackson, turning toward Benet, and now leaning with his back to the river, gazed at Benet and said nothing.

Benet, blundering on, said, ‘Then I suppose you’re here for-like when I first met you - ?’ This was an even more tactless remark. Benet at that moment was overcome by something in Jackson’s look, his stare, his untouchability. He wanted to say something about this, but of course it was impossible. Jackson was, naturally enough, trying to get rid of him. He thought of saying that he would be very glad to employ Jackson again, only this too was impossible! He said, ‘I am sorry that I wrote that letter to you, I repented it very soon after - then I couldn’t find you.’

‘That’s all right,’ said Jackson. He continued to look at Benet but in what now seemed a rather bored or dreamy manner. He was waiting for Benet to go.

Benet, reduced to total misery, was finding himself unable to continue the conversation. He thought: I shall never see him again.

At that moment a burly man appeared suddenly beside them out of the dark. Benet thought:
this is his friend!
That is the end! Then it was clear that the man was asking for money. Benet instantly produced two pound coins and gave them to him. The man, who appeared to be grateful, murmured ‘Thanks,’ then disappeared. Benet wished he had given him more money. Jackson had not moved.

Benet said suddenly, ‘How terrible. I wish Uncle Tim were here - ’

The unexpected mention of Uncle Tim made a change of atmosphere. Why did I say that, Benet thought. Keep up your bright swords! Are we at war then - or what? He was suddenly conscious of being terribly hungry. He said, ‘Look, let’s go and have something to eat.’ What a mad thing to say! He thought, of course he won‘t! He just wants to get rid of me.
Oh God, I won’t ever see him ever again
- but it
can’t
be like that. He said, ‘Jackson, you
must not
be angry with me, please
forgive
me - after all -’

Jackson detached himself from the bridge. He said, ‘Let us walk, anyway.’ They began to walk back towards the station.